Chapter 26 #3
“I realized I’d made a fucking colossal mistake pretty much as soon as I left your apartment that night, but the thought of turning around freaked me out, too, ’cause I knew I had a problem when it came to trusting people, and I couldn’t just switch that off, even if I’d wanted to.
I thought about what you said, that I should talk to someone other than Dom. So, I did.”
“You talked to a therapist?”
“I talked to two.”
“Two?!”
“The first person figured out that I was dealing with something called betrayal trauma, so then she referred me to a colleague who specializes in treating it. He’s been great.”
“Betrayal trauma,” Simone repeated, mulling over the words. “What is that, exactly?”
“It’s basically when your trust is violated by someone really significant in your life. In my case, by two really significant people. It can show up in a bunch of different ways, like emotional dysregulation.”
“Yeah, that tracks with our first few meetings.”
“No kidding.” He laughed softly, then sighed. “Another big way it shows up is with trust issues in relationships.”
“Yeah, that tracks, too.” She nodded slowly, thinking about Ryan’s behavior in the five months she’d known him through this new lens.
It all added up. “And it definitely didn’t help that while you were dealing with that, I was over here going through a whole identity crisis.
” They both chuckled, easing some of the tension between them.
“Luckily, I was able to join this support group that’s been super helpful.
I can’t tell you how nice it is to have friends who are bi, who can totally validate what I’m going through. ”
“It sounds like you’ve come a long way,” he said sincerely.
“I have.” She turned to Ryan with a tentative smile. “It sounds like you have, too.”
Ryan lifted the foot that was closer to Simone.
She panicked that he was going to get up and walk away for some reason, but instead, Ryan shifted so that he was straddling the bench, facing her.
The sight of his legs spread open like that stirred the desire deep in her core.
Even after all this time, she still wanted him so badly she ached.
“Simone,” he said, and she couldn’t resist the urge to be closer.
She swung her own leg over the bench, so that now they were face-to-face.
Eye-to-eye. Heart-to-heart. “I didn’t just come here tonight to apologize.
I came here because I want to try again.
I’ve wanted it from the second I walked out of your apartment, but I refused to waste your time until I knew for a fact that I could be the kind of partner you deserve.
Because, Simone, you’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. ”
“Oh, Ryan…” she whispered, but trailed off because he looked like he had more to say.
“We’ve both been through hard shit, but you’ve been through a kind that I’ll never have to experience, and I don’t know how I’d handle it if I did. And somehow, you still show up for everyone else with a smile. Like a delightful fucking sunflower.”
Right on cue, Simone started to smile.
“I felt worthless for a really long time.”
“Oh, Ryan, that’s not—”
“I know it’s not true,” he said emphatically, “because I met you. You reminded me that I’m good at what I do. That I should actually be proud of myself once in a while.”
“More than once in a while.”
“Thank you.” Ryan shifted closer to her on the bench, narrowing the space between them.
“I’ve come so far from the person I was six months ago.
When you first met me, I was this heartbroken wreck.
I hated myself and anyone who wasn’t miserable like me.
Then you came along—you and your chipperness,” he teased, “and you showed me that I was worthy of being happy. That I was worthy of love.”
He moved even closer. Their knees touched, and the sparks sent a fire roaring through Simone’s body.
“You made me a better person, too,” she said.
“Six months ago, I was this insecure ball of anxiety. All I ever did was twist myself into knots to make other people comfortable. I didn’t care how badly it hurt me, as long as it kept the peace.
I reached the point where I’d twisted myself so many times that I lost sight of the real me.
I forgot that I could be confident—that I could be brave. With you, I found myself again.”
Cupping her cheek with his callused palm, he gazed into her eyes. “I love you,” Ryan whispered.
“I love you, too,” she said, and kissed him.
SIMONE AND RYAN WALKED HAND IN hand up the porch steps and into the brewery, where Seth and Claude were boldly kicking off karaoke with a rendition of “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart”—interpretive dance moves and all.
“You’re going to make me get up there, aren’t you?” Ryan asked.
“Oh, don’t pretend you don’t love putting on a show.” She nudged him playfully in the ribs. “Maybe you should sing ‘Pony.’ ” He snorted with laughter, and she patted him on the arm. “Don’t worry, I’ll buy you an IPA first.”
They made their way over to the bar, where Dom took one look at their entwined fingers and grinned at Simone for the first time all night. “Now this is what I was hoping to see!”
Simone narrowed her eyes at him teasingly. “This whole time, you knew he was going to show up, didn’t you?”
Dom looked at Ryan. “Did you tell her that you saved the whole fundraiser?”
Simone rounded on Ryan. “It was you.”
“He sent me a screenshot of your Instagram post, asking if there was anything I could do to help,” Dom said.
“I was following along with all the updates about the event,” Ryan admitted. “I was planning to come support you no matter what.”
Simone’s heart swelled.
The evening went by in a happy blur, but Simone tried to soak in as much as she could.
Her brothers performing a Celine Dion ballad with a truly impressive level of commitment; her niece Cecilia bonding with Loonie; Dom hitting it off with one of Simone’s support-group friends; Ryan telling Glen that he’d spoken to people at the private school where he’d been doing his latest project, and that they might be interested in partnering with Loving Minds on some kind of youth mental health initiative.
At this last piece of news, Simone genuinely thought her heart might explode.
“I really can’t thank you both enough,” Glen said, a hand on each of their arms.
Simone shook her head. “I think we’ve all helped each other in our own ways.” She caught Ryan smiling at her, and she smiled back.
Glen must have clocked the exchange, because he smirked before turning to Simone. “I’m curious, now that you’re a free agent, would you ever consider nonprofit work?”
“Wait.” Ryan looked confused. “Are you not at the Rainbow Museum anymore?”
Simone smacked her forehead and laughed. “Oh my God, I’ve been so distracted, I forgot to tell you: I quit.”
“She put that toxic asshole in his place,” Glen added proudly. Simone blushed.
“Holy shit,” Ryan said. “Sounds like I should say… congrats?”
“Absolutely,” Glen said, patting Simone on the back.
“I never liked that guy,” Ryan said with a shake of his head. “Honestly, I was happy to be out of there, too.” His eyes found Simone’s, and he lowered his voice. “Except that it meant I wouldn’t get to see you.”
When Ryan excused himself to grab something from the dessert table, Glen sidled up to Simone and spoke in a knowing whisper. “Now, is it just me, or am I detecting a vibe between the two of you again?”
She grinned. “I took your advice.”
“Oh yes?”
“About soaking in every last drop of love. We talked tonight, and we decided to give our relationship another try. We both figured out what was holding us back last time, and now I think we can make it work.”
Glen grinned back at her. “I’m proud of you.”
“I’m proud of me, too.”
Beyoncé’s “Love on Top” started to play, and someone tapped the mic to get the audience’s attention.
Simone and Glen looked over—and found Byron getting ready to sing.
“This next one goes out to a man who always puts my love on top.” He spotted Glen and pointed at him.
“Baby, you’re the one I love.” Simone and everyone around them cheered.
While Glen moved closer to watch the performance, Ryan wandered back over with a glazed donut for them to share. “Guess what flavor it is?”
She considered the beige icing. “Caramel?”
“Try again.”
He gave her half. She smelled it—and beamed at him. “Maple?”
“That’s the one.”
“I’ll try not to get icing on my nose this time.”
“If you do, I’ll lick it off.”
She feigned shock. “Ryan Foley offering to eat icing off my face? You must really love me.”
“I really do.”
They tapped their maple donuts together like they were toasting with champagne. “Happy Pride,” she said.
Ryan leaned down and kissed her. “Happy Pride, Simone.”