Chapter 14 #2
“No,” I say quickly. “I... I like it. Most people’s eyes glaze over when I talk about this stuff.” I pause, then admit, “I’ve never actually brought anyone here before.”
“Well, I won’t probe much more then.”
I narrow my eyes.
“Did you really just make a probe joke?” It takes all my will not to make a probe joke of my own.
She’s quiet for a moment. “Thank you for sharing it with me. This will definitely help sell our story tomorrow - ‘How did you fall for him?’ ‘Oh, he showed me his secret stargazing spot and taught me about constellations.’” Her tone is light, teasing.
“Very convincing,” I manage, trying to match her tone even as something twists in my gut. “Though maybe leave out the part where you made terrible space probe jokes.”
“Hey! That joke was stellar.” She bumps my shoulder. “Get it? Stellar?”
“And this is why we’re only fake dating.”
The words tumble out, and Tara tenses slightly beside me. Fuck. I’m the one who set these boundaries, who keeps reminding us both this isn’t real. I have no right to feel gutted when she plays along.
“Right,” she says softly. “Just practicing for tomorrow. Though I have to say, you’re making it easy. Taking me stargazing, teaching me about constellations... If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were actually trying to sweep me off my feet, Spencer.”
“Just being thorough, like you,” I say, falling back on our usual banter even as my thumb traces patterns on her palm. “Got to make it convincing for my family.”
“Very thorough.” Her voice has that edge that makes my skin tingle. “Anything else I should know? For show, of course.”
“Of course.” I shift closer, telling myself it’s just to point out another constellation. “I secretly prefer moons to planets. Don’t tell anyone,” I whisper.
She turns to look at me, and in the starlight, her expression is impossibly soft. “Good thing, because I prefer astronomers to planets.”
Don’t, I want to say. Don’t make me want this for real. Instead, I clear my throat. “You should add that line tomorrow. Very convincing.”
“Right.” She looks away.
We fall into silence, watching satellites drift overhead. Her hand is still in mine, and I find myself tracing constellation patterns on her palm, pretending I don’t wish this was real.
Freddie finds me in the kitchen at 3 AM. He’s probably just finished FaceTiming Alex, which explains the dopey smile he tries to hide when he spots me.
“Hey, good morning,” he says, grabbing water from the fridge. He doesn’t question why I’m up late; he’s used to it. My sleep schedule is unpredictable and there’s been plenty of times like this over the last few years.
I grunt in response, focused on my coffee. My thoughts about Tara won’t shut up long enough to let me sleep.
“Or goodnight?” He settles across from me. “You know, normal people actually sleep sometimes.”
“You’re awake too.”
“Yeah, but I was talking to Alex.” Bingo. “What’s your excuse?”
“Work.”
“Right.” He studies me for a moment. “Nothing to do with a certain blonde who keeps showing up here?”
My hands tighten on my mug. “Don’t.”
“Come on, man. When’s the last time you were actually interested in someone? Like, properly interested?”
“I’m not interested in anyone.”
“Bullshit. I’ve seen how you look at her with longing for the last two years when you think no one’s watching.”
I stare into my coffee like it might save me from this conversation.
Because how do I explain that most people just..
. don’t register? That I’ve spent years watching my parent’s loveless marriage, watching Drake marry for status, watching every relationship in my world become some fucked up agreement?
That I don’t want that. I don’t want to do that to anyone, especially Tara.
“You know the guys used to think you were into guys,” Freddie says casually. “First year, when you never showed interest in anyone.”
I shrug. “Wouldn’t matter if I was.”
“No, it wouldn’t.” He takes a drink. “But that wasn’t it, was it? You’re just selective.”
“I don’t like most people,” I admit quietly. “Never have. There’ve been... a few. Guys, girls. Nothing serious.”
“Because you didn’t want serious or because you were afraid of it?”
The question hits too close to home. I think about the handful of hook-ups in my past - quiet arrangements with people who understood discretion, who wanted nothing more than physical release. Safe. Controlled. Nothing like the chaos Tara brings.
“I’m not built for it,” I say finally. “Relationships. Love. Whatever. The Spencers, we don’t... we can’t...”
“Can’t what?”
“Feel things. Not properly.” The words taste bitter. Everything’s a contract. A power play. Even with family.
“That’s bullshit and you know it.” Freddie’s voice is sharp. “I’ve seen you with me. With Troy. Hell, even with Ethan when he’s being an idiot. You care plenty. You and Tara literally took the blame for his mistake, risking your own expulsion.”
“That’s different.”
“Why? Because it’s safe? Because they can’t hurt you?”
I don’t answer, but he must see something in my face because his expression softens.
“Look, I get it. Your family’s fucked up. But that doesn’t mean you have to be.”
“You don’t understand.” I stand, needing to move. “Every Spencer marriage for generations has been a business arrangement. Every relationship a strategic move. What if that’s all we’re capable of? What if I try and I just... can’t? What if I hurt—” I cut myself off and take a deep breath.
“Hurt Tara?” Freddie finishes quietly.
I turn away, unable to handle his knowing look.
“Maybe you’re right,” he says finally, then pauses. “You know, it took me two years to get my shit together with Alex.”
I look up, surprised by the change in tone.
“Two years of pretending I was fine with just being friends. That I didn’t want more. I mean, I wasn’t very good at pretending. I was lying to her, and to myself.” He settles back into his chair. “Want to know what I was really afraid of?”
“Enlighten me.”
“That I’d mess it up. That I’d hurt her. I kept thinking – what if I’m not good enough? What if I fuck up the friendship? What if I break her heart?” His laugh is self-deprecating. “Sound familiar?”
I say nothing, but my silence is answer enough.
“You know what I figured out? Yeah, maybe I will hurt her sometimes. Maybe she’ll hurt me too.
That’s kind of part of the deal when you actually let yourself feel something real.
” He leans forward. “But you know what’s worse than maybe hurting someone?
Never giving them the chance to choose if you’re worth the risk. ”
“It’s not that simple—”
“No, it’s not. But man, I’ve never been happier than I am with Alex.
Even with the hard stuff, even with her being in California right now, even knowing we might not work out in the end – I wouldn’t trade what we have for anything.
” His eyes meet mine. “And I almost missed out on all of it because I was too scared to try.”
“That’s different,” I protest. “You and Alex... you’re normal. You know how to—”
“To what? Love properly?” He snorts. “Dude, nobody knows what they’re doing. We’re all just trying our best not to fuck it up too badly. The difference is some of us actually try.”
I make a noise, between a grunt and a scoff. I want to defend myself, but I can’t. I’ve never tried. Never let myself.
“Maybe you’re right,” he continues softly.
“Maybe you can’t love like normal people.
But from what I’ve seen of ‘normal’ people?
Most of them suck at it too.” He stands, heading for the door.
“At least, you care enough to be afraid of doing it wrong. And for what it’s worth?
The way Tara looks at you? I think she’d rather have you try and maybe mess up than never try at all. ”
He leaves me with that, and I stare at my now cold coffee. I think I’d have rather run into Ethan.