Chapter 28
TARA
I’m halfway through my third packet of ramen, absently swiping left on Tinder while Rory makes questionable relationship choices on my TV. My phone buzzes with another message from
Rob
I actually snort noodles up my nose. His profile pic is of him rock climbing so I guess it makes sense.
Below that there’s
Pete
Hey, ima just be open here, I’m only DTF. Recently single and cba with small talk.
I check Pete’s profile. Hm. He’s sort of cute. In a jocky kind of way. Maybe I should just sleep with Pete and be done with it.
Pete
Oh, and I live with my mom so we’ll have to get frisky at your place.
Nope to Pete.
“Oh my God,” I mutter, switching to my conversation with
Tom
So basically I’m revolutionizing the social media landscape with an app that’s like Uber but for finding other people’s cats to pet
Isn’t that just breaking and entering?
No no, it’s disrupting the traditional pet ownership paradigm. I’m looking for investors actually...do you want to see my deck?
I’m about to explain why breaking into houses to pet cats isn’t a viable business model when someone knocks. I ignore it, too invested in watching both Rory’s relationship spiral and Tom’s impending arrest.
My phone buzzes again.
Pete
hello? Are you down?
“God, I’m going celibate!” I groan, just as another knock comes.
“Go away!” I yell, pulling my blanket fortress tighter around me. “Whatever you’re selling, I don’t want it!”
“Not even quality best friend time?”
I freeze, noodles halfway to my mouth. No. It can’t be.
“Alex?”
The door opens - because she still has her key - and there she stands, California tan and perfect hair, taking in the disaster zone that is my apartment. And me, in my pajamas at 2 PM, surrounded by instant ramen packets and empty ice cream containers.
“Oh honey,” she says softly.
I look down at myself - wearing Alfie’s shirt that I definitely shouldn’t have kept, hair in a messy bun that’s more mess than bun, probably with mascara smudged under my eyes from crying through the Luke and Lorelai breakup scene.
“This isn’t... I mean, I was just...”
“Having a moment?” She drops her bag and crawls into my blanket fort, somehow making even that look graceful. “Want to tell me what’s going on? Because your texts have been weird lately, and then Freddie mentioned something about you and Alfie—”
“There is no me and Alfie. Not anymore.”
“Okay.” She settles in beside me, stealing some of my ramen. “Start from the beginning.”
So I do. I tell her everything - the fake dating, the family dinners, the way he’d look at me when he thought no one was watching. The kiss that started it all, and the ones that followed. I leave out the part where he made me orgasm so hard I nearly passed out.
“Wait. Tara. I know you,” Alex narrows her eyes. “You slept with him didn’t you?!”
I groan and bury my face in a pillow. “Maybe.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“Tara Hawkins, do not hold out on me. I flew across the country for this conversation.”
“It was...” I search for words that won’t make me sound completely pathetic. “Kind of amazing? Like, mind-blowing, earth-shattering, possibly ruined-for-all-other-men amazing.”
“Details. Now.”
“Alex!”
“What? I’ve been stuck in California listening to old men talk about climate policy. Let me live vicariously through your hot scientist hookup.”
I throw a pillow at her, but I’m laughing for the first time in days. “Fine. It was... intense. Like he knew exactly how to touch me, how to make me feel...” I trail off, remembering his hands, his mouth, the way he’d look at me like I was something precious.
“And now?”
“Now nothing.” I stab at my ramen. “He made it pretty clear we’re done pretending.”
“But you weren’t pretending, were you?”
“Doesn’t matter. He’s got his research and his CalTech dreams, and I’ve got...” I gesture at my sad noodle collection.
“Gilmore Girls and conversations with weirdos?”
“Don’t judge me.”
“I would never.” She steals my phone, scrolling through my matches. “Though we need to talk about your standards. This guy’s bio just says ‘Here for a good time.’”
“I wasn’t going to actually meet any of them,” I admit. “It just felt... I don’t know. Like I should be moving on?”
“From the guy you’re clearly in love with?”
“I’m not—”
“Tara.” She gives me that look that means she’s about to deliver some hard truths. “You’re wearing his shirt, eating sad noodles, and watching the episode where Luke and Lorelai break up. You’re not fooling anyone.”
“He’s the one who ended it!”
“Because he’s an idiot who probably thinks he’s protecting you or some other noble bullshit.” She pauses. “Is he coming to your birthday thing?”
“Probably not.” I try to sound like I don’t care. “We’re not exactly talking.”
“Because you’re both stubborn idiots who clearly make each other happy but are too scared to admit it?”
“Because he didn’t trust me! With James, with his family, with any of it.” The words burst out before I can stop them. “He just decided what was best for me without even asking what I wanted.”
“And what do you want?”
I stare at the TV, where Lorelai is making the same mistakes I am - pushing away someone she loves because she’s scared and hurt and too proud to admit what she really wants.
“I want him to have trusted me,” I say finally. “To have talked to me instead of shutting down. To have...” I swallow hard. “To have fought for me, I guess.”
“Maybe he still will.” Alex squeezes my hand. “But you might have to fight for him too.”
I think about Alfie in his lab, probably buried in research, building walls I don’t know how to break through. “Maybe it’s better this way. Cleaner.”
“Since when do you like things clean?” She gestures at my apartment. “You thrive in chaos. It’s one of your best qualities.”
Despite everything, I laugh. “You’re supposed to be on my side.”
“I am on your side. Which is why I’m telling you that you’re both being idiots.” She rolls her eyes. “Now, are we going to wallow properly or what? Because I brought wine and face masks, and you clearly need both.”
I lean my head on her shoulder, inexplicably close to tears. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too.” She pulls me closer. “Even when you’re being stupid about boys.”