42. FORTY-TWO
FORTY-TWO
When Gray first told me about his fear of quicksand, I thought he was being dramatic.
Like I told him, we don’t live anywhere near the desert.
But that’s exactly how it feels. I’ve stepped into this illusion of solid ground, only to realize too late that I’m stuck with no way to relieve myself of the inevitable pull, tugging me down.
Alex has exhausted all of his resources and contacted everyone there is to contact.
I was positive this entire endeavor would turn out to be a lost cause until Gray’s face fell.
Genuine fear blasted through his irises, the color draining from his cheeks.
He knows Xavier somehow—the fact he does is infuriating and terrifying.
Having a threat this extreme hanging over the both of us isn’t one to fuck around with.
I know that.
The part of me that still longs for my dad’s approval is itching to warn him, to beg him to take care of the problem before it evolves into something neither of us can combat.
But then I remember I can’t.
I’ve allowed myself to dig this hole so deep that even poking my head above the surface is putting a target on everything hiding within it. How I’ve strayed from my original task—how I’ve taken in a man off the street and am falling for him.
I scrape my nails through my hair, gripping the ends and tugging.
Sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if I had never pursued Gray.
If I left him that money and never came back.
It’s self preservation making me think this shit.
Because I know what would’ve happened to him, it’s my own ass I’m trying to save now.
What good is keeping all these secrets if someone like Xavier has access to them?
An eternity passes before Gray comes back into the exam room. The nurse escorting him mutters that the doctor will be in shortly. He waits until the door clicks shut before rushing me. His hands come to my chest, palming the muscles while searching my face.
“Xavier is bad news,” he says carefully. “Like really bad.”
“I’ve gathered as much,” I sigh. “How do you know him?”
He squirms under my stare. “Ray and Dan get their supply from his guys. Xavier is pretty hands-on, so I’ve…seen him around.”
My eyebrows fly into my hairline. “Dan? Who the hell is Dan? And supply as in drugs? ” I whisper the word.
“Yeah,” he nods, cheeks darkening. “Dan is…well he…”
“Who is he, Gray?” I’m trying to control my temper, but it’s proving impossible. The question is barked so loudly he flinches.
“Ray and Dan are kind of rivals, but not. They both technically work for Xavier, keeping to their respective areas. Dan is the one who…had me beat up.”
“You said it was Raymond.”
“The other time…before.”
Nostrils flaring, I band an arm around his back, pulling him flush against me. I close my eyes, forcing myself to remain calm while pressing my forehead against his.
I can’t control anything.
I can’t make this Dan person go away any more than I did Raymond. Alex simply put in an anonymous call, banking on the possibility the man still dabbled in his old ways, and his shitty motel room was raided. All the product got snatched up by the police, and Raymond is currently sitting in a cell.
And then it dawns on me.
You fuck with my investments, I will open the door hiding all those ugly secrets.
“Fuck,” I rasp, clinging to Gray harder. “Fuck!”
The sharp knock on the door has me biting my tongue to keep from screaming.
Perry walks in, and I release Gray. While he reviews the X-ray results, I promptly check out, reliving every decision I’ve made since following Gray out of that gas station.
The entire reason I was even there was to see outside of the box—to determine if the community gave a fuck about politics—cared enough to make a change.
Plenty did, but not enough to get to the voting stations, not enough to follow along and see what officials were suitable for the job versus already there.
A broken system is what I discovered.
And I’d been so stressed over the possibility that I would have to do something about it.
That I’d have to be the person to swoop in and save the day when I can’t even save myself.
It all seemed so hopeless, and then I saw him.
I could save someone, even though I knew it wasn’t my job or responsibility.
Everything about Gray reminded me of what I feel inside, but now I think that’s just what I wanted to see.
He’s so much stronger than I ever could’ve hoped to be. A fierce resilience that’s kept him alive this long, no matter the odds stacked against him, whereas I would’ve crumbled at the first inconvenience.
Everything that’s happening is proof of it.
If he were me, I think he could handle this with a level head on his shoulders. He’d stand up to whoever tried to cross him, daring them to try it. Even if he couldn’t win, even if failure were on the horizon, he wouldn’t back down.
I glance at him as he listens to Perry rattle on and on about his leg.
He listens, thumb in his mouth, and those pretty blue eyes bounce back to me.
Worried, I’m sure. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt this helpless before—this weak.
The smart thing would be to do what Alex said.
Take him to the shelter, let him go, and allow him to continue bettering himself.
But Gray is the only thing I can count on while everything else falls apart.
And because I’m weak and selfish and overall a piece of shit, I don’t do what is right.
God, I don’t think I’ve ever have.
“What are you going to do?” Gray asks after we leave the office.
His leg healed in record time, and his brace is no longer needed, but Perry advised him to take it easy. I’ve ignored Alex's last three texts demanding I let Gray go and instead focused on what I can control. “Consider his offer,” I say bluntly.
Xavier has yet to give me one, but I told Alex to schedule another meeting this morning.
I have too much to lose even to pretend that I have other options.
At this point, if Xavier wants OAT, he’ll most likely get it.
And with that, comes telling my dad. I’m scared shitless to let him know.
But I’d rather keep his reputation intact.
Twisting in his seat, the belt digging into his neck, Gray scowls at me. “Seriously? After what I told you? Hunter, he’s a fucking drug lord!”
“I don’t have another choice.” My voice is tight, mirroring the constriction in my chest. “And without proof, I can do nothing.”
“You have the proof! Me!”
“Physical evidence,” I tell him, getting on the highway. “As it stands now, your word against his wouldn’t hold up very well.”
I hear the mistake the moment it comes out of my mouth.
His face drops. “Because I’m some homeless dude and he wears a suit,” he snips. “Always the fucking suits.” Defiantly turning his face towards the window, he chews his thumb and leans away from me.
“That’s not what I meant, and you know it.”
“It goes without saying. I’m broke and he’s rich. I’m nobody, and he’s somebody. Power comes with status, and he’s well above me. Doesn’t matter that I’ve seen him or know where it all goes down.”
That catches my attention. “You do?”
“Duh,” he deadpans but doesn’t look at me. “The scum tend to stick with other scum.”
“Cut that out,” I bark, reach over the center console, and rip the thumb out of his mouth.
He growls, shooting daggers at me with his frosty glare, but I’m not deterred.
On this, I’m standing my ground. “Not once have I ever implied, said, or made you feel like scum. Your situation is the fault of a flawed system—nothing more. Stop degrading yourself.”
“At least I have the balls to call it like it is! You’re going to just bend over and take it, man! Why?!” He wiggles his hand free, and I let it go, not wanting to crash.
With both hands back on the wheel, I chew my cheek, hoping the sharp pain will help ease some of the pressure in my chest. “What do you have to lose?” I whisper, not bothering to hide the way I feel.
When he gasps, shocked that I dare say something like that, I add on, “nothing. It’s all been taken from you, right?
Now you have nothing stopping you. Endless possibilities, paths, and choices are right at your fingertips.
You could be anyone or anything. I don’t have that. ”
I wish I did.
“I have nothing stopping me?”
“Correct.”
“That’s not the way I see it. If you go away, everything will stop me. The only way I have any possibility is with you . And you’re determined to make sure that never happens. Don’t you see it?”
I glance at him.
“You might be the stepping stone I need to get across the water, but if you take that away, if you push me off, I’ll drown, Hunter. I’ll fucking drown.”
Blowing out a rough breath, I lift my right hand off the steering wheel and take his left one.
“You need to be the rock for both of us, alright? You can’t let some fucking psycho come in and take it away.”
“What do I do?”
“Fight. Stand up for yourself. Don’t let anyone make you do what you don’t want to.” He lifts our laced fingers and kisses my knuckles. “You have to fight.”
The reverent way his lips brush over my skin, the raw plea in his voice, sends a calming wave over me. I don’t want to lash out at him, and I certainly don’t want him caught in the middle of what I can only assume will be war.
For someone as young as he is, Gray is incredibly wise and insightful. He views things on a completely different spectrum, spotting all the areas shaded by my insecurities and fears.
I’ve let the possibility of my secrets coming to light cripple me.
I’ve let some stranger walk into my office, walk into my domain, and threaten me—and by extension Gray.
Someone precious to me. Someone I intend to keep my promise to, however that may come to pass.
Is my father’s acceptance more important than the man beside me?
My heart says no, but I’ve never followed my heart.
Maybe it’s time I started.
First, though, I’ll need Gray’s help.
“Would you be willing to show me where Xavier meets with Dan and Raymond?”
Surprise lights up his eyes before he nods, leaning over to kiss my cheek. “I’ll show you whatever you want to see.”
The ‘hang out’ is nothing like I expected.
Snapping pictures on my phone, I get the address and the cars parked outside the house, and then drive off.
It’s just your run-of-the-mill residential area, with everyday people going about their lives.
But according to Gray, the inner walls hold nefarious individuals dealing in drugs, bodies, and even the occasional weapon.
At the helm, Xavier sits. I don’t think he was there—none of the vehicles screamed arrogant prince—but we aren’t lingering to find out.
Since the house was back in Gray’s hometown, it takes a little over two hours to get back to my house.
The entire drive, we talk about everything other than what we just did.
I think it goes without saying that he’s proud of me—that I’m taking matters into my own hands and not cowering behind Xavier’s threats.
I don’t know what I’ll do with the pictures yet, but having them only adds to my rising confidence.
It gives me a semblance of hope, a chance to control the situation before it escapes me.
We pull into my garage, and I kill the engine.
For a few moments, we sit in silence. Gray starts to nibble on his thumb, and I see the tell for what it is.
That habitual chewing indicates various things, but right now, he’s got something on his mind.
I roll my head along the rest, waiting for him to cough it up.
“Are you going to make me leave?” he whispers.
“Of course not.” Despite what Alex says, I won’t just abandon Gray. I don’t care if he might be better off. The man beside me will never view it that way. He’ll take it as rejection, and it’ll destroy him.
“What if things don’t work out with Xavier? What if he makes good on his threat?”
It’s not something I want to entertain, but I understand the reason he’s asking.
Truthfully, if push comes to shove, I’ll have to do serious damage control with my dad. I’ll have to come up with yet another lie, fabricating everything Xavier could use against me into something believable. It’s just slander…
I wouldn’t be able to stand there, shoulders back with a proud, raised chin and own it.
I can’t. I don’t have it in me.
“I’ll figure it out,” I say. “I always do. The good news is that he doesn’t know about you, alright? You’re safe. There’s no way he can connect you to me.”
He nods a little, then peeks at me through his hair. “As soon as I get my GED, I want to try applying for a job again.”
“We’ll make it happen.” I smile for his benefit, knowing he sees right through the facade but returns one. “I’ll see about getting your birth certificate and social security card this week, too.”
“Thank you.” He leans over to press a quick kiss on my lips.