54. FIFTY-FOUR
FIFTY-FOUR
Snow crunches under my sneakers.
The chill bites into my cheeks as I lick my chapped lips. Despite the thick sweatpants and hoodie, the cold breezes through the fabric like I’m naked. I don’t know where I’m even going, only that I need to be as far away from this place as possible.
Wicked pain pierces through my chest with every step taken, serving as a permanent reminder that this is my fault.
All I had to do was keep my distance—keep my feelings separate—and I wouldn’t be this fucking hurt. The truly pitiful thing about it all is that I believed him. I believed Hunter wouldn’t do this to me.
After all, he didn’t fit my depiction of evil.
Because in this world, people do shitty things for good reasons.
What some might view as malicious, others know is purely survival.
We all are trying to get through life in this fucked up world the only way we know how.
It’ll look different depending on who you are.
Even though I realize Hunter fits into that line of thinking, I can’t make excuses for him, either.
He lied to my face. I let him fool me with all the shit I swore up and down didn’t matter to me anymore.
I've gone without hot food, soft sheets, a roof, and clean clothes for years. I don’t need it. But I got used to it again.
More than just the material bullshit, I got used to him.
I learned to need him more than anything else. His company, his rare smiles, and secret nerdiness. I grew accustomed to playing house, helping him find joy, and our shared pleasure. Unlike most people, Hunter never shied away from opening up to me, and I wanted to do the same.
So why the fuck did this happen? How come I’m the one internally bleeding?
Holding my arms while futilely trying to keep some of my body heat, I stop at a corner, unsure which way to go. Not for the first time since I left, I take my phone out to see if he’s called or texted. I don’t know what I expect him to do…come after me?
Sniffling, I tuck the phone back into my pocket and cross the dark street.
Back to square one.
I’ll need to figure out how to get back home. I hope Dan and his gross minions don’t find out I’m back, and maybe I'll see if Tammy will let me crash at her place. It’s unlikely since I’m fresh out of pain pills to sell, and One Tooth Ray is in jail, so I won’t be able to bring her any pot.
Frustration quickly swells in my chest as the pressure of it all presses down on me from all sides.
My legs move faster before breaking off into a run.
I pump my arms, tears burning behind my eyes, and when I get to the long stretch of road that must lead out of this place, I scream.
It explodes out of me. I skid to a halt, palm my face, and scream again.
And again. The trees around me blur, each belt of my lungs releases white puffs from my mouth, and something inside me dies.
I double over, holding onto my knees while a vicious sob rips me in two.
You knew this would happen. It was always too good to be true. You are so desperate for someone to love you, and no one does. Love died with your parents, Gray. It doesn’t want you anymore.
Somehow, I make it to the weird town that Hunter and I had breakfast in all those weeks ago. The diner doesn’t make me feel anything. I’ve gone numb.
It’s the early morning hours; the sun is starting to rise in the east. I park my ass on the bus stop bench, and pull out my phone. The battery is at 63%, so I’ll have to turn it off soon. I check my texts even though I don’t have any. No surprise there.
My fingers are so cold that the touch screen takes a few tries to register that I’m touching it.
I open my email and my dry eyes widen into saucers.
Tremors shoot down my arms, vibrating the device in my palm.
I could’ve sworn my notifications were on, but apparently they weren’t.
The email is from a warehouse where I applied to work.
They want me to come in for an interview… tomorrow.
I suck in a harsh breath, then another.
Surely I don’t have anymore fucking tears left in my ducts, but a few drops manage to well. I wipe them away quickly and power off my phone. I can’t show up to a job interview like this.
I don’t even have socks on.
The urge to scream again is strong. I’m so fucking angry at myself—at everything—that I shoot off the bench and storm over to the gas station on the opposite corner. It faces the diner. Fuck that place.
This early in the morning, I doubt anyone will even be awake enough to stop me. I don’t do shit like this, but I’m over caring. I’m done trying. What’s the point anyway? No matter what you do or how hard you try, there will always be something or someone shoving your face down into the dirt.
I creep inside the convenience store and spot the older man behind the register. He’s asleep.
The damn door bell didn’t even startle him.
I keep my steps light and quick, hurrying to the back of the store to where they keep the liquor.
Grabbing the first bottle I see, I stuff it into the waistband of my sweats before pulling my jacket over the bulge.
When I look back at the sleeping attendant, I steal a few bags of chips on my way out.
Pockets overflowing, I slip back out and hurry to get away.
Across the street, a few cars pull into the diner, and I spot a car I recognize.
Narrowing my eyes into slits, I pull the bottle of…
wine out of my pants and crack open the top.
I take a swig and watch the car park. When the short, blonde gets out, pushing up his thin glasses and yawning, I take a big gulp and walk in the opposite direction.
Of course, he’d send his assistant. Hunter is too cowardly to come after me.
Maybe he really doesn’t give a fuck.
I chug the wine and walk off the sidewalk into the neighboring trees.
The alcohol is already hitting my system, clouding my thoughts, and I am thankful for it.
I don’t want to feel anything or wonder how I’ll stay warm tonight.
And the last thing I need is to think about who Hunter will get to replace me.
I know I deserve better, but fuck…this hurts.
Before I know it, I’m sitting in the snow with an empty bottle.
I close my eyes, too numb and warm to care that my pants are soaked.
The security cameras at that gas station might’ve caught me stealing, but I don’t care about that either.
What’s one more mark on my record? Maybe I won’t have to worry about anything if I'm in jail again.
I’ve already been assaulted, so I’ll be prepared for that, too.
A horrible, bitter laugh slips free, and before I know it, I’m hysterical.
“I was going to say something sarcastic, but this is just plain heartbreaking.”
My eyes slowly open at the sound of the voice, and I growl when I see Alex standing over me. “Fuck off.”
“Frostbite is a real thing, you know. Your fingers look pale.”
I glare at him. The longer I do, the more my stomach twists. The last time I saw Alex, I was so worried about Hunter. I trusted this stranger just to make sure I got to him.
Where is that sentiment from Hunter?
He should be standing there, not his assistant.
Something like a whimper squeaks past my lips, and I fold my arms tightly around my middle.
“Go away, Alex. I’m fine.”
The man doesn’t go away. Instead, he crouches, mumbling something about freezing his nuts off, and places a delicate hand on my knee. “Between you and me, I’m proud that you left his ass.”
“Huh?”
“Hunter needs to figure out his shit. And he had no right dragging you in the middle of it, honey. Trust me on this, I warned him.”
“Yeah, well, a little too late for that now.” I jerk my knee so he’ll stop touching me.
Alex respects my space and stands. “Can I take you anywhere?”
“Are you going to tell him?”
Scoffing, he pops his hip out and inspects his fingernails. “He already woke me up at this unholy hour, and I’m pretty sure I don’t have a job. So, no, I won’t be telling him shit unless he finds a way to keep paying me.”
I nod, and the motion instantly makes my head spin. “Yeah. Um. Okay. Whatever.”
“That’s not a location.”
Through the wine fog, I happen to remember Doctor Perry giving me some pamphlets, but I threw them away.
I wonder if I can swing by and get them still.
Maybe one of the shelters will have some clothes I can wear for an interview.
Maybe I don’t need to throw it all away because Hunter broke my heart.
“Do you know Doctor Perry’s office?”
“I do,” he says with skeptical eyes.
“Take me there.”
After forcing me to eat some greasy drive-thru and pound a water bottle, Alex left me outside Doctor Perry’s clinic.
He offered to stay with me, but I need to do this alone.
Besides, I don't need him to babysit me. I’m feeling mildly hungover and exhausted, but I still hover my thumbs over my phone screen, debating what to say.
I know it doesn’t matter, and Hunter is a lost cause. If he really cared, if he ever loved me at all, he would’ve come after me. Even though I was angry and hurt, deep down, I wish he had fought for me harder. If he came after me, I probably would have listened.
If he just…held me and swore we’d figure it out, I would have believed him again.
But he didn’t do any of it.
He let me go, which means he never wanted me to stay in the first place.
What I don’t get, though, is why. Why would he do this to me?
I have a job interview tomorrow.
I delete the words and take a breath.
Why didn’t you come after me?
No, that’s stupid. Delete.
I let my head fall back against the brick wall of the building and bite my trembling bottom lip. My eyes swim with stupid tears as I look down at his name.
Why did you give me the opportunity?
I hit send before I change my mind, then turn off the phone. As soon as it slides into my pocket, Doctor Perry rounds the corner from the parking lot. He raises a brow at me, and I reply with a lame shrug.
“Hey, Doc, do you have more of those pamphlets?”
The good doctor must see the writing on the wall because his kind eyes soften further. “I’m glad you asked, Gray. I have plenty. Come on in.” He keys the lock to the front door, and I follow him inside.