Chapter 38
Sawyer
Morgan.
It’s the only thought in my head. Everything else falls away. Memories don’t flash in front of my eyes. I don’t think about everything I regret, everything I still want to do. My life, at its end, isn’t my focus.
Hers is.
I know I’m hurting her with how hard I pin her to her seat, but I need to keep her safe. It’s the only thing I need. It feels comical, my arm against the weight of the world heading for her soft heart, as if I could possibly defy the laws of physics and nature.
But I’ve seen the laws of physics and nature defied before.
I’ve seen Kennedy in my living room while her ashes rested in a box in my bedroom, my possessions moved without my ever having touched them.
My car tire exploding, my garden cleared overnight, my house destroyed by an earthquake without a fault line.
There are forces stronger than the laws of nature. I’m determined to be one of them.
I have to be. I can’t lose someone else. I can’t lose her. Not the girl who makes me feel alive. The girl who brought me back from the dead.
I hold on tight, staring down our fate, then—
It passes through us.
I blink, focusing my sight on the road in front of us. There’s…nothing. No car careening into us, no car behind us. The road is suddenly, completely empty, only our headlights breaking through the dawn.
In seconds that feel like hours, I become aware of my body. My heart thuds painfully; my lungs shudder. It’s like I’ve been running full speed and told to stop in an instant. But nothing feels stopped.
Except, I realize we’re slowing. The pedal has traction again, and I press it down, pulling to the shoulder.
My vision is still blotchy with panic as I flip on the hazard lights and unclench my aching knuckles from the wheel. I realize my right arm is still holding Morgan. It feels like breaking something in me to let her go, my body still convinced the danger will hit any moment. I don’t know if I can.
Her face is too pale for me to look at, but I force myself to. I need to make sure she’s okay. Her breath stirs the strands of her hair against her lips. The sight devastates and heals me. She’s fine. Frightened but fine.
Shakily, I remove my arm and turn to Zach.
“What the fuck?” I demand. My voice is low with fury.
“You could have killed us. What if I’d swerved into the divider or flipped the car trying to turn?
That was completely irresponsible.” Terrible what-ifs crash into my brain, leaving Morgan crushed in hundreds of horrible ways.
My pulse thuds in my jaw. I feel like I can taste my own heartbeat.
The fear means I’m alive, I remind myself. I’m safe. Morgan is safe. But it feels like an illusion. Like those headlights. Every second of every day, tragedy lurks nearby. I can’t believe I let myself forget it.
Zach doesn’t look guilty, though I know he’s the one to blame. “I had control of the wheel the whole time, just like the brakes. You were never in danger,” he says, cavalier.
“It’s not okay.” My temper rises now, unfreezing me.
“No back-seat paranormal driving. What if we’d had heart attacks?
You can’t terrify us to get us to do what you want just because this might be your last day with us!
” I shout. I’m picking up momentum. We didn’t crash the car, but I’m still ready for collision.
“We don’t just exist to amuse you. We’re your friends.
Start acting like you fucking care about us. ”
I’ve never yelled at Zach before. I hate that I’m doing it now, on this day. But I owe it to our friendship to be real. I can’t just hide my hurt so he goes peacefully. What would that leave for me? Only anger that will never fade.
“I do care,” Zach fires back. “You think I did that for fun? You think me trying to get you to stop fighting for one day is out of selfishness? I won’t even be here tomorrow. I have to make sure you two knuckleheads will be okay.”
Emotion cracks his voice. He swallows, his eyes filling suddenly with unshed tears.
“You already have a reminder of how fucking short life is in the car with you right now.” He hits his chest. His unbeating heart.
“A literal ghost! And yet still you’re wasting your precious, limited time arguing when you could be doing…
anything. Making the most of the time you’re lucky enough to have left! ”
I’ve never seen Zach so upset. Sad, yes. Frustrated, sure. But he’s scared. Maybe fear isn’t a symptom of being alive after all. Maybe it’s a sign of love.
I feel my anger fade as my pulse slows. I glance at Morgan.
Zach is right. I don’t want to waste time with her. I already lost one love. Zach’s stunt was reckless, but so is living. We’re never truly safe. I should live every moment like headlights are bearing down on me.
Morgan draws a shaky breath, her first movement since the car stopped.
She doesn’t look at me. Instead, she twists in her seat belt to face Zach.
“We’re not wasting time,” she says, her voice steady.
“Sometimes arguing is important. It’s part of living.
Being here is…messy. It’s imperfect. We’re going to screw up, and we have to work through it when we do. ”
Her eyes flicker to me for just a heartbeat. “Fighting is making the most of our time here,” she says defiantly.
I feel my breathing even. Her words weren’t particularly kind.
They weren’t declarations of love. They weren’t apologies.
Still, I feel comforted by them. It’s like what I was just thinking regarding Zach.
How it wouldn’t be right to the memory of our friendship to let him fade away without giving us a chance to work past my anger first.
Maybe living every moment like it’s our last doesn’t mean pretending nothing matters. It means pretending everything matters.
If we want to have any kind of future together, we have to fight. If we’d just wiped away the awful things we’ve said to each other for Zach, then when he’s gone, we’d be left with something that might look like love, might sound like love. But it would be hollow, intangible. Only a shade.
Zach seems to consider Morgan’s point with a level of thought I don’t often see from him.
He blinks his tears away. “That’s fair,” he says finally.
“It’s just…I need some indication that when I’m gone, you won’t just cut each other out.
I don’t want to have been the only thing bringing you together.
I don’t want to go if that’s the case, but I doubt I’ll have a choice.
” He looks suddenly older. Like someone who’s lived a whole life.
“You sure you don’t just want us to ruin the Perfect Weekend for you?” I ask, summoning playfulness.
Zach smiles softly. “With your arguing, you have a decent chance. But then I’d just be here forever pestering you until you make up. I’m pretty sure Morgan would desecrate my grave or something.”
Morgan laughs. The sound soothes everything in me.
“How about this?” she says. “We promise not to ruin the Perfect Weekend with our arguments. We’ll pick them up after you’re gone.
That way, you can go knowing that at the very worst, Sawyer and I will see each other again if only just to fight.
That is, if Sawyer agrees.” She turns her gaze.
Life fills my lungs. I smile. “It’s a date, Morgan.”
Our eyes lock. The moment stretches. Color returns to her cheeks once more. Rose red.
“You both said some seriously messed-up shit,” Zach says happily, nodding as he thinks this over. “You definitely have a couple more rounds in you.”
“Definitely,” Morgan replies, still looking at me. She winks.
I pull my gaze from her, afraid of just how much I want to make the most of this moment. Not now, I tell myself. Later. I will defy any laws of nature that prevent a later.
When I restart the car, my hands are steady. I merge back onto the freeway, my heart pounding for a different reason now. I cherish every beat.