Chapter 9
Chapter Nine
If Marcus was still in town, she hadn’t seen him.
The only problem was she couldn’t decide if she was happy or mad about it.
Ugh…what is wrong with me?
It was Thursday afternoon and Billie was finishing up for the day. The idea of going home and soaking in the tub sounded like absolute bliss.
Taking her apron off, she tossed it in the breakroom hamper before washing up. Grabbing her purse, she was about to walk back through the kitchen when Jade came to find her.
“Okay, don’t freak out, but…he’s here,” she blurted out.
“He’s here? He who? Marcus?”
“Yup! Mom’s out there waiting on him, but he’s kind of looking around like he’s…well…looking for someone. I’m guessing you.”
“That doesn’t seem likely,” Billie told her. “And if he is, it’s probably because he doesn’t want to see me. I’ll just hang out back here until he’s gone.”
“Oh. Oh, okay. That’s probably best.” Smiling and nodding, she turned and headed to the door. “I’ll let you know when the coast is clear.”
“Thanks.”
The kitchen was spotless and everything was wiped clean. With nothing to do, she took out her phone and scrolled through Instagram and all the baking accounts she followed, hoping to find some inspiration. When Jade walked back through the door a few minutes later, Billie figured it was safe to leave.
“He asked for you,” she said, seemingly unsure if this was a good or a bad thing.
“Why?”
“I don’t know, Bill. I didn’t ask. All I know is that he seems pretty set on staying.”
“Didn’t you tell him I wasn’t here?”
“At first, but then I kind of let it slip that you were back here, so…”
“You know what? This is ridiculous. I’m a grown woman and he is simply my ex. Plenty of people run into their exes and don’t hide, so…fine. I’ll go out there and see what he wants.”
“Okay, okay…do you want to give me some sort of signal? You know, like you can do something, and I’ll know to come and save you.”
“You’re sweet, but I’ll be fine. I’ve survived walking away from him multiple times—mostly in the last month. What’s one more, right?”
Before she could take a single step, Jade hauled her in for a fierce hug. “You are the bravest person I’ve ever met. Be strong.”
When she pulled back, she murmured, “Okay.” But then she stared at the door for a solid minute. “Just like ripping off a bandage.”
Head held high, purse and phone in hand, she walked out to the counter and…froze.
His normally pristine hair was a little askew. His jaw was covered in an almost full beard, and he was dressed casually— looking better than a body has a right to. It was a very un-Marcus look, but it made him look even more appealing.
And more like the boy she had fallen for so damn long ago.
Shaking her head slightly to clear it, she stepped up to the counter. “Hey.”
His smile was hesitant, and she could tell he was nervous.
Yup. Very un-Marcus like.
“Hey,” he began. “How are you?”
“Fine…”
“Good. That’s…that’s good. Um…I don’t know if you heard, but my dad had a bit of an accident and I’m staying with him for a little while.”
Billie shrugged. “Okay.”
His eyes went a little wide. “That’s it? Just…okay? I thought you’d be surprised or impressed that I was doing this.”
Another shrug. “I already heard you were in town, so you’re not telling me anything I didn’t already know. As for being impressed?” And yet another shrug. “It’s what normal people do, Marcus. You’re not going to get a gold star from me.”
“I wasn’t asking for a gold star…”
“You used to mock me for wanting to help my family,” she reminded him. “So…I honestly don’t know what you expect me to say here.”
For a moment, he stared at her, frowning.
Now he looks like his usual self…
“Anyway,” he went on. “He’s not mobile, he’s more than a little needy, and he seems to have an endless appetite. He asked me to come in and get him some cake.”
“Okay.”
The huff of annoyance was typical Marcus, and she was kind of enjoying this exchange. Let’s see how he enjoyed being on the receiving end of…whatever this mood was she was in.
“Can we maybe talk someplace a little more private? Cora already rang me up, but I’d really like a chance to talk to you.”
“What for?” she asked wearily. “How many times are we going to keep doing this? We talk and then we don’t. We kiss and then we’re done. We have sex and then you leave.” Behind her, she heard Cora gasp and then Jade reprimanding her for it and had to keep from laughing.
“I’d like to apologize, Billie,” he said, sounding sincere, but she wasn’t buying it.
“You’ve done that too and then seem to instantly regret it or you find something else to get mad at me over. Seriously, Marcus, we need to just stop and let this go.”
“I don’t think I can.”
Now it was her eyes that went wide. “I…I don’t…”
“Just…five minutes. Please.”
Glancing over at Jade and Cora, they were both smiling and nodding.
Good grief.
“Fine. We can grab one of the tables. Do you want some coffee?”
“Um…”
“There are plenty of empty tables in the romance book section!” Cora suggested.
“And I’ll bring you both something to drink!” Jade added.
Billie glared at them both before stepping around the counter and motioning for Marcus to follow her. Sure enough, the tables in the romance section were empty and the one in the corner was her favorite because it offered the most privacy. After she sat down, she looked at him expectantly.
“I’ve done some hard thinking the last couple of weeks,” he began slowly. “And this time, I really did have an epiphany. Actually, it’s come to my attention that I have a tendency to react instead of listen.”
The snort was out before she could stop it, but she didn’t apologize for it.
“You’ve known me for most of my life, Billie. You know my strengths and my weaknesses. Those haven’t changed. You also know exactly when I changed and why. The thing is…it’s been so long that I don’t know how to…how to go back and stop being that guy—the one who’s mad at the world and expects everyone to fall in line with what I want.”
“Maybe take the stick out of your ass…” she mumbled, but immediately knew her snark wasn’t helping anything. “Sorry.”
“You’re not saying anything I haven’t heard before,” he admitted with a low laugh. “All I know is that I want to try. There’s no one else who knows me like you do. We were friends for a long time before we started dating and…there’s no one else who I’d want to do this for.”
“You need to do it for yourself, Marcus, not for me.”
Shaking his head, he reached across the table and took one of her hands in his. “Don’t you understand? I want to be a better person for us. You and me. I want to be the person I was when we met. I want to be the man you fell for.”
Her stupid heart kicked hard at his declaration. She needed to be strong, otherwise he’d have her heart wrapped around his little finger in no time.
“We were kids. None of us are the same as we were back then. We change, we mature, we…we experience life and learn how to become the people we are now. No one expects you to go back to being the goofy, studious guy you were in high school. And I don’t think you could, no matter how hard you tried. You should be proud of everything you’ve accomplished and who you’ve become.”
“Do you know what hit me earlier today?”
She shook her head.
“I’m going to die alone.”
“Marcus, come on. That’s a bit dramatic, don’t you think?”
He was already shaking his head. “No, I don’t. I was standing there thinking about how I don’t want to end up like my father in a house that needs too many repairs and being cared for by my children. And that’s when it hit me. I don’t have kids. I don’t have anyone. If anything were to happen to me tomorrow, I’d be alone.”
Squeezing his hand, she offered him a smile. “You have family. You have friends. And you’re not going to die tomorrow, so…relax.”
“We don’t know that. Tomorrow’s not promised, Billie. I think we all know that. If I don’t make some changes—if I don’t…you know…pull the stick out of my ass—that’s my future. Dead. Alone.”
Oh God…
“What are you saying, because…I feel like you’re looking at me to be the answer, and I’m not. I can’t walk this crazy path with you again. It’s too painful.”
Tugging her hand slightly, she could see the desperation in his eyes.
“Here’s some coffee for the two of you!” Jade said, putting two mugs down on the table. “And I took the liberty of bringing a banana chocolate chip muffin for you, Marcus. And Billie, I grabbed you a slice of the lemon pound cake.” Smiling at them both, she added, “Enjoy!”
It was a great distraction, but it didn’t change the fact that they were dealing with a very delicate situation.
“I know I’ve hurt you, and I need you to know how sorry I am. For all of it. I never should have walked out of that hotel room the way I did. I should have listened to you, and I should have tried to put myself in your place. It was really shitty of me to belittle what you’ve been doing. You’ve made a life for yourself, and you seem genuinely happy.”
“I am.” Nodding, she repeated that. “I truly am. More than anything, I like who I am now.”
“I want to feel like that. Help me. Please. I need your help.”
How many times had she dreamed of him talking to her like this? Admitting that he needed to change was something she never imagined she’d hear from him. But could she trust herself—trust them—to not fall into old patterns?
Or bed?
“Please,” he begged again.
Stalling, she carefully pulled her hand free and picked up her coffee. Fortunately, Marcus did the same, and they spent a few minutes focused on their food.
“I don’t know what I can do to help you,” she finally admitted.
“Let me spend time with you. Let’s be friends again. I want to learn more about what you’ve been doing with your life. I want to see where you live. I want to see your family. And maybe we can try having dinner together again without it turning into a disagreement.”
“It was a fight, Marcus, and it’s the way things have been going since you came back.”
“I know, and I take full responsibility. Just…tell me you’ll give me a chance.”
It would be so easy to say yes.
It would be a little less easy to tell him no and walk away.
But that second option would be out of spite, and she wasn’t that kind of person. She liked to believe she was fair.
“Are you the only one taking care of your father?”
“We have a nurse that comes for four hours in the morning to help get him out of bed and showered, and she does some exercises with him. Then another nurse comes in the evening to help him get ready for bed and help him with whatever else he needs.”
Nodding, Billie already had an idea in mind, but she wasn’t sure if it was the best idea. Taking another chance with Marcus could be emotional suicide, but so could walking away.
“What time does the evening nurse come?”
“Six. How come?”
“Why don’t you come for dinner tonight and we can talk some more?”
His entire face lit up. “Really?”
“Don’t…don’t get your hopes up. It’s been a long day, and I’d really just like to go home and relax.”
“I can pick up dinner if you’d like.”
Smiling, she said, “That would be wonderful. Thank you.”
Finishing their cake and muffins, they made plans to see each other later. When they stood up, he leaned over and placed a soft kiss on her cheek. “Thank you.”
“For what? I still think this isn’t going to go any differently than our last interactions.”
He grinned. “Well, that last interaction was incredibly satisfying.” Pausing, he winked. “And I’m choosing to think positively. And I want you to know that I promise to be open to everything and to be better about listening.”
It was pointless to argue. Only time would tell.
“Then I guess I’ll see you at six.”
He kissed her cheek one more time before clearing their table off. “I better get this cake home to Dad. I’m sure he’s frantic by now, waiting for it.”
“Tell him I said hello and if there’s anything special he wants, just let me know.”
“I will. Thanks.” He smiled at her and her knees went a little weak.
And there go all my defenses.
This time he walked away, and she watched him go. At the exit, he turned and waved with a boyish grin, and she swore he definitely chipped away at the wall she had put around her heart after their last meeting.
Please don’t let this be another mistake…
Standing on Billie’s front porch holding a pizza—because there was seriously nothing great in this town to get for takeout—left Marcus feeling foolish. If they were back in D.C., he would have ordered all of her favorites from the Mandarin place she used to love so much, or perhaps hired a personal chef to make them a chilled seafood tower and grill up two perfect steaks.
“Instead, I’m holding a cardboard box with grease stains. Awesome.” Letting out a breath, he knocked on the door and waited.
“Pizza! Yes! How did you know that was what I wanted?” she gushed as she invited him in. “Have you ever just…you know…craved something for dinner because you couldn’t stop thinking about it?”
He had a feeling he’d come off sounding like a snob if he mentioned the seafood tower and personal chef, so he simply smiled and nodded. “I do. Honestly, I wasn’t sure what I should get. Some foods just don’t travel well for takeout. Max and I have gone to the steakhouse and the café, but the food at both places is way better when you’re dining in.”
“What can I get you to drink? Beer? Wine? Soda? Sweet tea?”
“Um…” Before he could answer, she was handing him a beer and watching him as if waiting for him to turn his nose up at it. Instead, he smiled and accepted it. “The perfect choice with pizza, right?”
“Color me surprised. I would have thought you’d choose the wine.”
“Like I said, it just pairs better.” He took a pull of the beer and had to admit, it tasted good.
“Let’s sit down before dinner gets cold,” she told him, walking over to her kitchen table.
Following her, he glanced around. There was nothing modern about the house. It was very basic, with the traditional decor and the afghan draped over the sofa. Actually, the decor reminded him a little of his father’s house—only Billie’s was a one-story, three-bedroom, two-bathroom house, just like every other house in this neighborhood, whereas his father’s was a two-story. It was very cookie-cutter, and nothing at all like the sleek townhome they had lived in back in D.C.
“I like your house,” he said as he sat.
“Liar,” she replied with a laugh. “Your face is very expressive, Marcus. I could tell how unimpressed you were as you looked around.”
“It’s just very different from what I thought you liked.”
Shrugging, she opened the lid on the box and served them each a slice. “I bought it a little over five years ago and kept telling myself I was going to do all kinds of upgrades. The only problem with that was how much I hate living in a mess. So if I gave in and did it, I’d have to live somewhere else while the construction was going on.” Another shrug. “It was just easier to embrace it.”
Nodding, he took a bite of his pizza. It was probably hard for her to financially afford to do the upgrades, and she was too embarrassed to admit it. Poor thing. He doubted small-town bakers made a lot of money. It boggled his mind when he thought about all she gave up to come back here—she was making more money than he was. Billie was one of the most brilliant financial analysts he’d ever seen. She had a way of following the trends and knowing what stocks to buy, when to sell, and her clients loved her for it. She made a lot of money for them and for herself. He figured she had a nice savings account when she left him, so maybe she’s been living off of that to keep her going.
“You mentioned investing in other businesses here in town. Is that something you enjoy doing?”
“To be honest, it all started because I hated seeing Jade struggle. She opened Books & Beans and had a great plan, but her ex’s mother was running a smear campaign against her. It was awful and she just couldn’t seem to catch a break. She needed some financial help to have an advertising budget and get the word out. So, between me and Levi, we were able to give her a little boost.”
“Because Levi does…”
“Oh, he’s in advertising. He’s kind of outstanding at it. It was a crazy coincidence that he came home at just the right time. Once we dealt with the smear campaign—thank God that didn’t last too long—there were just things I saw that she needed, but she couldn’t afford. So, I offered to invest and it’s been mutually beneficial.”
“That’s great! I’m sure she appreciated the help.”
“She did, and I got to have a front-row seat to her and my brother falling in love.” She sighed happily before taking a sip of her beer. “Hard to believe he was the first one of the four of us to get married.”
Their eyes met and he saw how flushed her face got. It was on the tip of his tongue to remind her that she could have been the first of her siblings to get married, but he decided against it.
“Then there was Ashlynn,” she went on. “She got laid off from the hair salon she was working at and had always dreamed of opening one of her own. The town was going through a bit of a renaissance thanks to the ski resort reopening, and there were a lot of old buildings that were suddenly getting renovated. She obviously didn’t have the money to do it on her own, so I cosigned with her, but unlike Books & Beans, I’m a total silent partner with the salon. I help her with the accounting part of it, but otherwise I’m completely hands-off.”
“Nothing with Chloe?”
Shaking her head, she reached for a second slice. “She’s a kindergarten teacher. I always donate to her classroom wish list, but other than that, I’m just there for moral support.”
“That’s nice.” But as soon as the words were out of his mouth, he had to wonder how much of what she did was reciprocated. And because he couldn’t help himself, he had to ask. “It sounds like you’ve helped them all in different ways.”
He caught her chuckle as she asked, “But…?”
Because she knew him so well. “But…what have they done for you?”
“It’s not a competition, Marcus. No one’s keeping score.”
“So then nothing,” he commented. “You give and give and give, and they do nothing for you. Doesn’t that bother you?”
This time, she sighed. “Remember earlier when I reminded you of why this wouldn’t work? You turn everything into a jab against me or my family or…”
“You’re right,” he quickly interrupted. “You’re totally right. I can’t help but be curious, Billie. Believe it or not, I worry about you. I’ve always worried about you. You give so much of yourself, and I can’t help but wonder if you have anything left for yourself.”
It wasn’t a lie. He’d always felt like her family expected too much of her and he never once saw any of them do anything for her in the same capacity.
For several long moments, she didn’t say anything, but when she let out a long breath, he almost felt like he needed to brace himself.
“I don’t expect you to understand this, but…they give me unconditional love.” Her voice was soft and her expression one of total peace. “I never have to explain myself, they’re always there when I need them, and the things they do for me are out of love. Ashlynn does my hair, gives fashion advice, has helped at Books & Beans whenever we’ve needed her, and is the one who reminds me not to take myself too seriously.”
He wanted to remind her how she was half owner of the salon and her sister should do her hair for free…
“Chloe is the voice of reason when I get upset over things. She’ll make a huge batch of soup or a casserole and bring it over just because she was thinking of me. She is my moral compass when I’m angry or upset over anything, and my biggest cheerleader no matter what I’m doing.”
Fine. That was nice, but…
“Now, my brother is a little more complex. He was out of the picture for a lot of years and I used to get super annoyed about it. Then he came home after getting fired, and…he was lost. He came to live with me and I realized just how much we didn’t know each other. Levi will do anything you need—from moving furniture or mowing the lawn when he sees I haven’t gotten to it, or offering to come and pick me up when a dinner date turns into a disaster.” She winked.
“It wasn’t a disaster,” he reminded her. “We salvaged it. Sort of.”
“You get what I’m saying, though, right? We don’t all show our love or support in the same way because we’re not the same people. When we learned the truth about why our father walked out on us, we banded together. Naturally, I couldn’t just fall in line with the rest of them, but…I’m getting there.”
“Wait…what happened with your father?”
Waving him off, she picked up her beer. “That’s a story for another time.” She took a sip before studying him. “What about you, Marcus?”
“What about me?”
“You’re here taking care of your father, but…for how long? And what’s in it for you? Because I know you’re not here out of the goodness of your heart.”
Again, he didn’t take offense. “I’m here because Max asked. He’s been handling everything where Dad’s concerned and he told me it was my turn. It’s not the greatest reason to be here, but…he was right. The plan is for me to stay for two weeks and then head home. At that point, we’ll reevaluate the schedule with the nurses based on his mobility.”
“And his other health concerns? Things seemed very grim when you first came back.”
“He was neglecting himself—wasn’t eating, was dehydrated because he wasn’t drinking…now that someone’s there with him every day making sure he’s doing those things, he’s getting better. I’m hoping once he sees how good he feels, he’ll remember to take better care of himself.”
Nodding, she continued to study him. “And then what happens?”
“What do you mean?”
“Do you come back to visit more? Do you invite your dad and Max to visit you? I mean…it’s two weeks and the first week is almost over. Are you counting down the days or are you genuinely going to change the way things have been?”
He took a sip of his own beer before replying. “Fair question, and that’s what I was getting at when we spoke earlier. I don’t know how to change. It’s not just as simple as saying it. Every word I speak, everything I’m doing, it’s like I have to stop and think first because my initial reaction always seems to be wrong.”
“I think that’s only partially true. You’re good at your job, and I know you can think on your feet when it comes to finances.”
“Not so much with people,” he admitted with a mirthless laugh.
“It’s not going to happen overnight either. It’s going to take time, so…you have to be patient.”
“Also not a strong suit of mine.”
Right now, his patience was hanging on by a thread because as much as he wanted to be sitting here talking with her, he wanted to make love to her even more. He wanted more of what they shared at the hotel, and he wanted it to end with neither of them yelling or storming out.
“Tell me what you’re thinking right now,” she softly demanded. “You’ve got a weird look on your face suddenly.”
Another small laugh. “If I told you, dinner would be over.” Glancing at her across the table, he knew he’d piqued her curiosity, but he also knew she was stubborn enough not to ask.
The impish grin on her face was adorable and damn if he didn’t want to lean over and kiss her. She whispered his name, and he took that as a good sign until…
Suddenly, she straightened and gave her head a brief shake. “Earlier you said you wanted to be the man I fell for, and…that’s not going to happen. I’m sorry.” Then she seemed to realize how that sounded. “I’m not saying that you can’t change and go back to being that guy, but if you’re thinking in terms of you and me? We’d never work.”
She was shooting them down before they even had a chance, but what did he expect? And honestly, maybe she was right, but didn’t they deserve to at least try to find out?
As if reading his mind, she gave him a sad smile. “I’ll never move back to D.C. and be a corporate woman again. Are you saying you’d give all that up and move back to Sweetbriar Ridge?”
Damn.
The nervous laugh was out before he could stop it. “I guess…never say never, right?”
“Are you referring to me leaving or you staying? Because that’s the deal-breaker and we both know it.”
Desperation was clawing at him because now that they’d come this far—breached the barrier of all the angry years apart—he wasn’t ready to let go. Unfortunately, he knew it would be a cold day in hell before he moved back to this hick town. So where did that leave them?
He chose his next words carefully. “I’d still like to spend as much time as I can with you, Billie. If you believe that I’m only here for two weeks, then…what have you got to lose? What if we take the time to get to know each other again and then see where we stand?”
Reaching over, her hand rested on top of his. “I’m never going back to that life, Marcus. Ever. You have to accept that.”
For now, he would. But the woman he knew and loved thrived in that environment. This life she created was a safe space, her comfort zone. In the back of his mind, he had to wonder if she truly was as happy as she said, or if maybe she missed the way things used to be. Maybe if they both went back and had better communication skills and he acted more like a partner than a dictator—and God did he hate how that wasn’t an exaggeration—things could be different.
His free hand covered hers. “I’m not walking away, Billie. Not without a fight. I let you leave once, and I regret that I didn’t come and fight for us.”
“It wouldn’t have mattered. At that point, there wasn’t a thing you could have said to change my mind. I was so broken that I went into protective mode. Hell, I didn’t even come home for almost a month after the breakup. I needed time to be completely alone to evaluate my life and what it was I wanted.”
Slowly, he released her hand. “I…I had no idea. I just thought…”
“This wasn’t what I thought I wanted either. It wasn’t until I spent a few weeks with no demands on my time and could actually hear myself think that I decided to come home.”
“Was coming back to me even an option?” he asked solemnly, knowing he wasn’t sure he wanted to know.
“In those first few days, I second-guessed myself a hundred times. When I left, I knew I had hit my limit. You weren’t going to change. If I went back, I was going to get caught in the same pattern. It was killing me, Marcus. I felt like I was losing myself.” Pausing, her head lolled back briefly as she sighed. When she met his gaze again, he saw the unshed tears. “I truly love myself now. The life that I know you want—the life you want for us—it would destroy me.”
The worst part was that he knew he could see that now.
At least…now he knew it. Back then, when she used to tell him how stressed she was or how much she hated how things were going, he blew it off and took the tough love approach. He just thought they were so similar that she would just power through and be fine.
“I was suffocating you,” he murmured. “You have to know I didn’t realize it. I just…”
“You were so focused on this…this life that you thought was the answer to everything, that you closed your mind to anything else.”
Well…damn.
“So, where does this leave us?”
“We can be friends, but…that’s all I can offer you. Anything…romantic wouldn’t be fair to either of us.”
Swallowing hard, he pushed his plate away, his appetite gone. This really wasn’t how he envisioned the evening going. Leaning back, Marcus raked both hands through his hair.
“Well, this was way more enlightening than I thought it would be. I appreciate your honesty.”
“I learned to speak up for myself and say exactly what I mean.” She smiled sadly again. “I can thank you for that.”
“I envy you, Billie. You were brave and knew when to walk away, even when you didn’t know where it was going to lead, but then you followed your heart.” Ducking his head, he took a moment to compose himself because he was feeling oddly emotional. “I just always thought it would lead you back to me.”
She was on her feet and awkwardly crawling into his lap. They clung to each other and it was almost brutal in its honesty. He smelled her shampoo, felt the warmth of her body, and he never wanted to let her go.
Of course, he knew he’d have to eventually.
But for right now, this would have to be enough.