Chapter 6
6
Esani
S ix Months Later…
I had no clue why I was doing this. I had the perfect man at home, and yet, here I was, lying in bed next to Marc after allowing him to fuck me every which way from Sunday.
The truth was I knew why I was doing it. I wanted to sabotage what we had because of my mother’s warnings to never fall in love. It turned out after Kwame and I’s first date, he became everything a girl could dream of. He catered to me, took me places in and out of the bedroom, treated me as if I were a fragile antique doll, and did things that neither Marc, Chris, or Solo could ever do. He got to my heart.
I honestly didn’t know how he was able to do it, but he did it, and because of this, I was running away from it. I fell...hard. But I couldn’t allow myself to show it. Shania had robotically programmed into me the importance of never letting a man break my heart. It worked because I was trying to find a flaw in Kwame. I tried to catch him up with those women on the board of the basketball league or even with his assistant Gina but couldn’t catch him doing anything. I knew I was sabotaging our relationship because I felt myself falling in love with him.
It wasn’t easy keeping Solo, Marc, and Chris a secret. I had to buy a whole new phone just for them because all three of them constantly blew up my line. The shit was becoming exhausting trying to satisfy them so I wouldn’t lose them if this thing with Kwame didn’t work out, and I couldn’t forget having to hide them from Kwame. The shit was becoming so hard and stressful, but I had to keep it together before I lost my damn mind.
“What’s wrong with you, baby?” Marc asked. I guess he noticed that I wasn’t being a fake loving girlfriend anymore.
“Nothing,” I replied, getting out of the bed and heading to the shower. I turned on the water and stepped inside once the temperature warmed up. As I lathered my body, I felt Marc get in behind me. I slightly rolled my eyes because I wanted to shower in peace.
“What can I do to make you happy, E? What can I do to be the only one you want or need?”
“What are you talking about, Marcus?”
“I know about the other guys, ma. I’m not stupid or mad, but I want you to stop fucking with them. I want to be the only man in your life. I can give you whatever your heart desires if you just let me. I know I’m on the road a lot, but you know I always take care of you,” he said, kissing the nape of my neck.
“I think you’re only saying this because you know you got bitches in those other states, so please, spare me.”
“Esani, what the fuck are you talking about? I don’t fuck with other bitches because I never have time to. When I’m not on the field, where am I and what am I doing? Either on FaceTime with you or here at home blowing up your damn line so I can get my day in with you!” he yelled. “I can’t keep waiting for you to come around, baby. It’s either you want this with me, or you don’t. I don’t want to have to share you anymore. You’re perfect, and you treat me like a king, but I know you’re probably doing the exact same thing to those other niggas, and I’m jealous.”
Okay, this shit was getting too intense. I rinsed myself thoroughly then slowly turned to him.
“I care about you a lot, Marc, but I’m not ready to settle down yet, baby. I’m only twenty-eight and still want to explore my options. You are good to me...I won’t lie about that, but if you’re talking about love and marriage, then maybe it’s time for you to move on. I’m just not ready for that,” I half lied.
Marc didn’t say anything, but he nodded and placed a kiss on my forehead.
“One day, Esani, you’re going to look for love, and it won’t be available. No one waits forever, baby. Every day that you deny yourself of fully committing, you’re selling yourself short, and you’re going to find yourself lonely and regretting that you never took that leap.”
He stepped out of the shower after that, and I closed my eyes and lowered my head.
He was right.
* * *
“I honestly don’t get why you’re messing around on Kwame anyway. He’s literally been treating you better than those other nigga’s you fuck with on any given day. He even gave you the money to open up another shop on the Eastside. Like, girl, what are you even thinking?” Tania fussed as I lifted the gate to open up my shop.
I rolled my eyes while unlocking the door. We had come a little early to do inventory before my other stylists and clients came in.
“You’re never going to get it, Tania.”
“I guess not. I get ya moms taught you to be savage, but you’re playing this all wrong. Her old school teachings got you stressed the hell out.”
I frowned as I set my bag on my station. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“It means instead of you letting these men know from the jump that you’re emotionally unavailable, you’re out here giving off the illusion of being faithful and true. That shit is dangerous, and it’s going to get someone’s feelings hurt in the end.”
I sat in my chair and rubbed my temples. As much as I didn’t like what she was saying, she was also right. This was twice in one day someone told me how wrong I was, and it came from the two people I actually cared about. Marc’s confession scared me and gave me the push I needed to end things with him, Solo, and Chris. I hadn’t even thought about the other men I was messing with once Kwame started to become serious with me. And to be honest, they weren’t thinking about me too much either. It was the other three that I couldn’t stop seeing, and it was wrong to play Kwame like that. After the night of the basketball game, I knew I had fallen in love with him. Kwame was everything I never knew I needed. I had even began ghosting my mother because I already knew she would sniff out the love inside of me and ruin things between me and Kwame somehow.
I shouldn’t have allowed her to get in my head. She damaged me to the point that it was becoming natural to spend time with Solo, Chris, or Marc when Kwame had to go out of town or work late. We had been house hunting because he was ready to move in together and had been talking marriage a lot. That scared me too. Shania was wrong about Kwame. I could feel and see how genuine he was and how much he adored me. However, I always reverted back to her teachings, and it was fucking me up in the end.
“Listen, Esani. I’m only telling you this because you’re my friend, and I love you. I don’t want to see you hurt or want you hurting anyone else. Yeah, men do stupid shit all the time, but when you got a real one like Kwame, you don’t fuck that up…no matter how your moms taught you to be. Unlearn that shit before it’s too late.”
“You’re right. I’m done with cheating. It’s exhausting to have to fight against my feelings for him. Sex with Marc was so bland. The whole time we were fucking, I was thinking about what to cook Kwame tonight for dinner.” We both laughed.
“Sad!” Tania yelped. “Well, you may as well start calling them niggas now. I like Kwame for you, and I don’t want you to mess that up, especially now that DeAngelo and I are getting serious.”
“What happened with you and Dallas?”
“Girl, Dallas is out here planting his seeds all over the earth. I found out his ass has five baby mamas!”
“Not five! Lawwwd. See? That’s why I be skeptical about these men.”
“Yeah, but I have a good feeling about Kwame. I can see he makes you genuinely happy. Them damn dimples be deep as hell in your cheeks when you’re with him. I love him for you.”
I blushed slightly and nodded. I couldn’t agree with her more.
“I am very happy. I-I think I love him, Nia.”
“I know you do, friend. Don’t mess this up. Please. For your sake and for his.”
“I promise I’m done.”
“Good. Now, let’s get to work before our clients arrive.”
I stood and walked around my station, giving her a hug.
“I love you, babes.”
“I love you more, toots.”