Chapter Twenty-Three - Blaire
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Blaire
I tap my foot nervously on the floor of Reese’s Jeep as we drive home. How the hell did I go from looking for love to this ? And what even is this ? Was that a sex show that I just put on, or was it a statement of intent?
I need to clear my head.
At least I know the coast is clear at Rile Ranch for the time being. Briggs had texted before the, uh, show? Is that what we’re calling it? Anyway, he said that he had played dumb with Patricia and she seemed to believe it.
As soon as we park in the driveway, I hop out of the car. I give Reese an awkward ‘thanks’ before heading to the camper.
“Blaire-” he starts to say as I walk away.
“All good! It’s just that I told Lacey I’d meet her at the camper to work on it.” I say as I wave bye to him and pick up my pace. It’s only a small lie. I texted her frantically on the car ride home and asked if she could meet me. Luckily, she has the day off and agreed .
When Lacey arrives, I’m sprawled out on the bedroom floor of the camper with papers splayed all around me. Gram made good use of this camper and there’s documentation spreading over about 50 years. Old maps and brochures have handwritten notes all over them. Some of the notes are from when my mom and my Aunt Lou, Lacey’s mom, were little and mark things like ‘good restroom for diaper changes’. Others include notes about which venues she performed at, including things like ‘creepy club owner’ and ‘made 100 bucks’. It hits me that she left me much more than a camper when she left me this, but a personal history.
“I thought you were supposed to be cleaning this place up?” Lacey clears a space on the floor next to me and sits down cross-legged.
“I couldn’t throw any of it out. Not without seeing if you want any of it.” I take a deep sigh. It’s so much stuff, but it all feels valuable.
“Maybe we make some kind of book of all of it? That way you can move it out of here at least.”
I nod. It’s a good idea. I guess I don’t actually need to go through all of it, but I guess I’m looking for some kind of clue.
“Why do you think Nan wanted me back here after she died? Like what’s the point of all this?” I ask as I hand her an old Polaroid of our moms in their early teens. They’re perched on barstools with bright red Shirley Temples in front of them. Despite the sugary drinks, neither of them looks very happy.
Lacey turns the picture over, looking for any more information, but nothing is written on it.
“Well, she gave me all her money, likely because she knew I needed it,” she says, handing the picture back to me. “So…”
“So I need an old camper van with a mysterious quest to fix it up?” I laugh as I open up another envelope of photos .
Lacey shakes her head. “Maybe she thought you needed a tether. Something to remind you of your roots.” She takes a deep breath and leans back. “Or she really wanted you to end up with one of the Rile brothers. She really had a soft spot for them.”
I sigh. “No pressure, just our grandmother’s dying wish.”
Lacey laughs. “Well, you’ll know when you finish it up. Who knows, maybe she just wanted to mess with you.”
We sit in silence for a few moments, sifting through the papers. I want to talk more about the Rile brothers, but for some reason I can’t bring myself to. I feel like I’ve only talked about myself with her since I’ve been back.
“Are you happy, Lace? I know you don’t mind working at the diner, but is there anything else you want? Anything I can help you with?” I offer.
She looks at me for a long moment until I start to get uncomfortable in the silence.
“I don’t know how to say this, B, but,” she takes a long breath. “You always assume that other people have it worse off than you. Sure, you’ve got all the money in the world, but did you ever stop to think that maybe it’s me who could do something for you?”
I open my mouth to defend myself, but I don’t know what to say.
“I am happy. I have a good group of friends. I have real love with Johnny, who I’m going to marry the second he graduates from law school. I’ve got a purpose in life with my diner. And most importantly, I’ve got no big regrets.” She takes a deep breath. “Listen, I’m not trying to offend you, but I’m just wondering if you can say the same? To any of it?”
I fidget with Gram’s charm around my neck nervously.
No.
I can’t say the same to any of it.
“You know why I really think Gram wanted you back here?” She continues, her voice shaking with emotion. “She thought you needed a good humbling. Happy people don’t just disappear and barely contact the people who love them. Because who can be happy with themselves after doing that?”
Tears brim in my eyes because she’s right. And the shame that’s been locked inside me, slowly eating its way through my psyche, comes bubbling up in thick acid in my throat.
“Lacey, you have to understand,” I start, my voice is thick with emotion now. “I was so angry.” I wipe tears away. “My mom-”
“You don’t think I went through shit with my mom?” She says. “Both of our moms somewhere along the line got real messed up. But that doesn’t mean we have to be.”
Tears are streaming down my face now in a steady rhythm. Lacey wipes away her own tears.
I think that she’s going to get up and leave, but instead she pulls me in close. “Oh, come here. I’m sorry.” She says, a shuddering cry breaking through both of us. “That was really harsh. I just missed you. And I didn’t understand why you just disappeared. And I’m a little mad too.”
I pull her tight. “You’re right.” I inhale through my mouth, my nose thick with snot. “Everything you’re saying is right. I came here because I was so damn unhappy in my life. I drowned myself with work the last five years, so I didn’t have to face myself. Because I have nobody to blame but myself.”
We’re silent for a moment as Lacey rubs my back, comforting the slight sobs that still wrack me.
“You know the good thing about that, though?” She says, still holding me close.
“No,” I laugh through my tears.
“You’ll also be able to thank yourself when you make your life something you’re proud of. I know you can do it, Blaire. And I’m here for you when you don’t think you can.”
The dread that was hanging over me lifts enough for me to take a long steadying breath. Lacey’s words give me hope. She still believes I can make a good life for myself. That I’m not a lost cause.
“Lacey,” I say with a snotty nose. My head is still burrowed into her shoulder.
“Yes, B?” she says, still stroking my back.
“I think I’m in love with the Rile brothers. Like not one, but all three of them.”
I feel her body lurch under me. A laugh.
“Oh, I know, B baby.” She says with a giggle as she continues to stroke my back. “I’m just glad you finally can admit it to yourself.”
“I was never fooling anyone, huh?” I say, resting my cheek on her shoulder in defeat.
She shakes her head, very clearly signalling no. “You weren’t. But the good news is that I’m pretty sure they’ve spent a long time being in love with you, too.”
“I don’t think that’s true,” I say, defeatedly. “It’s all sex with them.”
“I think you all have your walls up pretty high. And that maybe sex is the only little trap door that lets you through.”
“Is my vagina the trap door?” I sit back up, wiping my tears away with a laugh.
“For Rile boys, it certainly is,” she grins back at me.
Her face grows more serious. “They’re good guys, Blaire. I’ve known them my entire life. I don’t think they see you as just some sex object. Maybe you need to believe yourself that you’re worth more than that. You deserve to be loved for who you are and them telling you that won’t make a difference until you believe it.”
I shake my head. “Thank heavens one person in our family came out sane. And I’m not talking about myself. ”
She pulls me in close again. “I still have hope for you, Blaire Evans.”
And I wonder if the blooming feeling in my chest means that I just might agree with her.