Chapter 3
Kaden
“I know how heavy and daunting it can feel taking this first step into therapy, but I’m really glad you decided to come in today, Kaden,” Dr. Carroll says gently, her soft, reassuring voice doing nothing to calm the nerves inside me.
I sit at the edge of a beige couch, my head bowed as my palms slide back and forth over my thighs in slow, anxious passes. It’s my first therapy session, and I’ve already imagined ten different escape routes—one of them involving jumping straight out the window, four stories down.
But my fear of heights, and the grim thought of dying a failure and a coward, were the only things stopping me in that moment.
“Before we begin, I want you to know that this is a safe space for us to understand how you got here, and how you can move forward. If it’s alright with you, can I ask what prompted you to book this session?”
I look up at my new therapist seated across from me, her expression soft and attentive.
Her legs are crossed, her spine straight, a notepad resting lightly on her lap.
She looks to be in her early fifties—perhaps mid, but it’s the subtle confidence in the way she carries herself that tells me she’s heard just about every problem this world has to offer, and that very little could shock her anymore.
Letting out a heavy sigh, I lean forward and rest my elbows on my knees.
“Honestly? It’s a mix of a lot of things. My affair, my divorce, my relationships, my job… my whole life really. Everything feels like it’s falling apart, and most days, I’m just trying to stop myself from reaching for a drink before the day has even begun.”
She nods slowly, jotting a few words on her notepad, her pen moving smoothly and quietly as she keeps her eyes on me. “Can you tell me what’s been hurting you the most?”
I clear my throat. “All of it. Betraying my wife, then staying with the woman I cheated on her with, only for that relationship to end horribly. I thought I hit rock bottom after my divorce, but it was finding out that the baby I helped raise since birth with my affair partner wasn’t even mine at all. ”
Dr Carroll nods again, her expression gentle and empathetic. “That’s a lot of loss in a short amount of time. I can imagine how that would’ve been very painful for you. But let’s slow it down for a moment and talk about what led to the breakdown of your marriage?”
My eyes fall shut as the memories cut through me like a freshly opened wound, dragging me back to the exact day Skylar left me without warning, leaving behind nothing but a single letter.
In it, she explained that she’d known about my affair for weeks and wanted out of our marriage.
Her final demand, that I never contact her again, only deepens the ache still lingering in my chest.
After a few minutes of trying to steady my breathing, I finally summon the courage to open my eyes and speak.
“I had a six-month affair with my wife’s best friend.
She found out by going through the burner phone I used to contact her friend.
While she pretended not to know, she was actually secretly planning her escape.
Then, one night after work, I came home to find her, and all her things gone.
She had left only a letter explaining what she’d discovered and her intention to file for divorce. ”
“Looking back on your actions, what do you think contributed to the choices you made?” Dr. Carroll asks.
“At the time, I justified the cheating by telling myself I felt invalid and unworthy in my relationship, that I was forever trying to prove I deserved someone like my wife. I was so consumed by own insecurities and selfish sense of entitlement, that I constantly felt weak and less of a man around her. But what I failed to see back then was that my wife never made me feel unworthy at all. If anything, she accepted me exactly as I was. She loved me unconditionally. And that’s the hardest part to live with now—I betrayed the one woman who had always shown me nothing but kindness and respect. ”
“It sounds like you’ve gained a lot of clarity into your actions and the role your insecurities played. That’s a crucial part of processing this experience. When you reflect on the affair, what do you think you were seeking from your relationship with the other woman?”
“As awful as it is to admit, I craved the attention she gave me. She made me feel important, desired, confident… worthy. I could list every ridiculous, self-serving reason, but the truth is, all it was doing, was just feeding my ego. I was chasing a life that only served my desires and needs, and Lucia met those perfectly.”
“How so?” Dr. Carroll asks, placing her pen on the notepad and reclining slightly in her chair.
“I thought she understood me—my fears, my insecurities, what I needed. I shared things with her I’d never told Skylar, and so did she. We ending up connecting over that. I kept going back, and in the process, I became the one thing I swore I’d never be—a lying, selfish, manipulative cheater.”
“Thank you for being honest about that, Kaden. It takes a great deal of courage to speak those things aloud. What I’m about to say next, I want you to reflect on it carefully, okay?”
I nod, wordlessly.
“What you did in the past doesn’t have to define who you are now. I get a sense that you don’t want to be that person anymore. Am I right?”
“Yes,” I nod again. “You are.”
“When you think about the reasons you continued to cheat, how does it make you feel now?”
“I feel utterly disgusted and ashamed with myself. I was too arrogant, too self-absorbed, wanting the freedom to indulge my desires without giving up the security of my marriage. It was completely selfish and manipulative. I was so wrapped up in the thrill, by the feeling of being admired and worshipped, that I ignored the pain I was inflicting on my wife, and the life I was destroying. It sickens me to my core that that was who I was back then.”
“Recognising the harm your actions caused your wife reflects deep remorse, and that is essential when you’re committed to change and personal growth. What was it like for you after your wife left?”
“I was miserable—depressed, completely hollow inside. All I wanted was her to come back home. To show her how deeply sorry I was, and to prove I would do anything to earn her forgiveness. I thought about her every day without fail, even after I moved in with Lucia.”
“Let’s explore that a bit more. How would you describe your relationship with Lucia after you and your wife separated?”
“Toxic would be the best word to describe it,” I chuckle dryly.
“After we moved in together, everything just went from bad to worse. We argued almost every day, even over the smallest, most ridiculous things. She was constantly irritated with me, like everything I did frustrated her to no end. I know now it was because she knew I was still in love with my ex-wife, and that made her jealous and bitter.”
My gaze drifts to the window as I recall the moment my life began to unravel.
“Intimacy became a way to release our anger and frustration, but it never solved any of our issues. I started drinking more and avoiding coming home early. We were basically tolerating each other, but neither of us wanted to end the relationship. That was until I found out she had cheated on me, and that the baby I thought was mine wasn’t.
” My voice catches and cracks as I utter the last sentence.
“I can see how emotionally taxing it has all been for you. How have you been coping since you found out about the betrayal and that the baby wasn’t yours?”
“Well… I’ve developed a pretty unhealthy relationship with alcohol as you could probably tell already.
” I chuckle, trying to mask the shame of the sad, pathetic person I’ve become.
“I’ve always wanted to be a dad. It was the one thing I knew in my heart I’d be really good at.
When Lucia became pregnant, it filled me with so much joy.
And after the baby was born, I honestly thought things were going to get better from then on. I was over the moon.
“But the moment I discovered she wasn’t mine, I felt my whole world collapse all over again. I’ve been struggling to process it ever since. Drinking became the only way to numb the pain, the only way to stop myself from thinking about how pitiful my life had become.”
Dr. Carroll nods, her demeanour calm and attentive.
“You are certainly not alone in experiencing these feelings, Kaden. It’s not uncommon for people who have gone through a significant loss to turn to alcohol.
In our sessions, we can work on finding healthier ways to cope.
But looking ahead, I want to know, what kind of person do you hope to become one day? ”
I slump back on the couch, exhaling a sharp breath.
“I want to be someone I can actually respect and be proud of. A man who’s honest, reliable, trustworthy, and capable of loving someone unconditionally without possessing them, like I did with Skylar.
I want to work on my insecurities so that I can be the kind of person who makes better choices and treats the people I care about with the love and respect they deserve. ”
“That’s a powerful and meaningful goal to strive for, and completely achievable if you’re willing to put in the work. Before we explore the next steps, can you tell me if your drinking has started affecting other areas of your life?”
“Yeah, it has. My relationship with my best friend, and most recently, my job. I’ve been staying with Jason for just over three months, and he’s seeing firsthand how fast I’m spiralling. I know it worries him, and it hurts knowing I’m the cause of that.”
Seeing the constant pity and disappointment on his face pierces me with unbearable shame. He was the one person I never wanted to let down, and yet, I failed him spectacularly.
“As for my job, my employer has already issued a final warning for my lack of performance—one more fuck up and I’m done. And if that happens...I don’t know what I’ll do. I know I deserve everything that’s happening to me, but at the same time...it’s slowly killing me.”
Dr. Carroll’s pen begins to move quicker across the page. I find myself wondering what she’s writing about me on that little notepad—whether she’s already pieced together just how broken I really am, and that I might be one of those rare cases that’s simply beyond fixing.
“Anyone in your position might feel like there’s no way forward.
That’s something we’ll work through together in our sessions.
But I want you to understand something, okay?
Feeling like you deserve to suffer what’s happening to you is the shame and guilt speaking, not the truth.
If we were to focus on one area first, where do you feel the most urgent need for support? ”
I hesitate for a moment, thinking it over. There are far too many issues to pin it down to just one. Yet if I had to choose, there is only one that I continue to struggle with, even to this day.
“I guess I’d like to start with how I can cope with the guilt of betraying my wife…
ex-wife, and the grief of losing her and my marriage.
It’s this constant ache in my chest that never wants to leave.
The worst is when all the memories—good and bad, come flooding back.
Whenever that happens, I find myself reaching for the bottle again. ”
Dr. Carroll nods, her pen moving once again as she jots things down on her notepad.
“It’s always hard admitting these things out loud, but it’s also where healing truly begins.
The emotions you’re feeling—the guilt, the grief, the shame, and the regret—is a sign that you’re no longer the person you used to be.
In our sessions together, we’ll work on some exercises that will help guide you towards becoming the person you want to be moving forward. ”
I lean my head back against the backrest, staring blankly at the ceiling as a long sigh slips out of me. “Do you think it’s too late for me?” I murmur softly.
“For that marriage, maybe. For your life. No. You’re here. You’re showing willingness. That’s all that matters. We can work on the drinking. We can build healthier coping strategies. And we can explore how you want to show up differently in the future—with relationships, work...everything.”
“I’d really like that,” I say, my voice almost pleading. I glance back at Dr. Carroll, letting the mask slip just enough for her to see my vulnerability. “I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want to feel something other than this constant disgust and self-hatred.”
She offers a warm, gentle smile and nods.
“And that’s exactly what I’ll help you with.
Just remember, you’re not expected to fix everything overnight.
Today, the goal was to simply show up to your session, which you did, and that means you haven’t given up.
” Dr. Carroll says before glancing at the clock on the wall.
“We’ll pause it here for now. I know it wasn’t easy to share everything you did, but I want you to acknowledge the effort you made to be open and honest with me. That in itself is a huge step.”
I nod and manage a small, genuine smile, the first I’ve offered today.
An hour ago, I came in anxious and scared about the thought of spilling my problems to a complete stranger, yet somehow, I’m walking out feeling a little lighter.
If there’s one thing I’m taking from this session, it’s the clarity that I never want to become the person I once was, and that maybe, just maybe, there’s still some hope for me after all.