Chapter 22
Itook a long bath and scrubbed myself clean the day of the wedding.
Roderick and Peter had gone off to sell more pixie blood, so it was just me and Lochlan getting ready to attend the wedding.
The whole town was abuzz with the news of the prince’s marriage, and the excitement was catching.
I spent a painfully long time getting ready, though there wasn’t much I knew how to do and simply felt like I wasted a great deal of time staring at myself in the mirror, trying to feel comfortable without my chest bindings in place.
The dress I’d bought fit well and had a high enough neckline that I wouldn’t be anxious. Beyond that, I felt like I stared while time ticked by, trying to figure out how to look more womanly but found myself at a complete loss on how to make that happen.
My hair was too short to style in a fancy updo, but I’d bought a few hairpins and tried twisting my short hair back in several different styles.
I almost wished I’d bought a wig, but they were in short supply and I felt like I wouldn’t be me if I wore a wig.
I had covered up who I was for so long that I wanted one night free from disguises.
I had scrubbed my face but didn’t have any makeup and had no idea how to use it anyway. But I practiced walking with smaller, more ladylike steps, sitting with my legs crossed, and though I felt utterly ridiculous, tried those softer, more feminine facial expressions in front of the mirror.
Anytime I felt foolish, which was often, I pictured the faces of the men I’d seen looking at a woman they loved.
It was worth it to make a few concessions if Lochlan would look at me that way, even once.
Each time I thought it, I felt like a traitor to my former self.
Gil would never have wanted any man’s attention, but perhaps Jillian would.
The dress made my legs feel exposed and bare, much colder than when I wore my comfortable breeches, but I pivoted to look at my body from all angles.
The dress helped me look more like a woman, but my hands were still rough and chapped, and even without binding my chest, I barely had any curves to speak of.
I might’ve felt disheartened, but the look on Lochlan’s face when I came out of the room drove away all doubt.
He didn’t speak for several seconds. His expression wasn’t quite the one of sappy adoration that I’d seen on the face of Tinkerbell’s husband or the man I’d seen in the street, but at least he seemed impressed.
“You took Peter’s suggestion after all,” Lochlan said. “You don’t have to. You can come as you normally are.”
“I don’t mind,” I said, uncharacteristically shy. “I thought it would be interesting to get dressed up. I’ve never done that before.”
“It looks good,” Lochlan reassured me. “But now you’ll need to wait for me because I feel underdressed in comparison. I didn’t realize this was actually going to be a date.”
My cheeks burned white-hot. “It’s not…I didn’t mean…” I spluttered. “I just don’t want to be recognized.”
“I’ll be back in a few minutes,” Lochlan said, disappearing into his room.
Despite the fact that I’d been hoping for it, I couldn’t decide if I liked this attention or not.
He had noticed me, that much was obvious.
And he was trying to look extra nice too.
Did he want to look nice for me specifically, or just to match me so we fit in at the wedding?
Was he hoping I would compliment him just as much as I hoped he would compliment me?
This was possibly a terrible idea. As intrigued as I was by the notion of romance, I had no confidence in my ability to actually handle a date.
What if the evening went poorly? We might ruin the friendship we’d already built.
I supposed that wasn’t the worst thing in the world.
Then I’d leave and carry on with my original plan.
What if the evening went well? My insides clenched. Would Lochlan try to kiss me? Would he expect me to act feminine and girly all the time?
I changed my mind. It wasn’t just a possibility that this was a bad idea. It was most certainly a bad idea. I took two steps back toward the bedroom, almost convincing myself that I should change back into my regular clothing, but then Lochlan came out.
His hair was neatly combed and he wore a dark suit that made his hair and eyes look an even deeper shade of brown.
“You look nice,” I blurted out, then immediately second-guessed myself. Should I have said handsome instead? Or should I not have said anything at all? I cleared my throat and glanced away, suddenly fascinated by a loose thread on my sleeve.
Lochlan paused, then a small, crooked smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. “Thank you. So do you.”
My heart gave a most unhelpful lurch.
“Are you ready?” He stepped closer, offering his arm.
I looked at it stupidly for several seconds, then my heart nearly leapt out of my throat when Lochlan gently took my fingers and guided my hand into the crook of his elbow.
A strange noise escaped my mouth and I flinched away. I couldn’t just hold his arm. It felt so wrong. I might be wearing a dress, but I wasn’t ready to hold his arm and be escorted along like some fine lady.
“Something wrong?” he asked, looking slightly hurt.
I cast around for an excuse. “What if Peter and Roderick see us?”
He put his arm down. “Right. Of course. Sorry. I thought… Never mind. We should just go. It’ll be almost a two-hour walk.”
I nodded.
We stepped out into the early afternoon and firmly kept our hands to ourselves.
The air was starting to cool, and sunlight cast shadows onto the forest path as we began the walk to Berkway’s castle in Avalon.
At first, I was painfully aware of every movement I made, from the way my steps sounded on the path to the way the unfamiliar skirt brushed against my legs with every step.
After a few minutes, Lochlan let out a quiet breath. “You’re thinking hard. Care to share?”
My insides clenched. “Just thinking about my mother. If people from Ebora are at the wedding, they might know her.”
He nodded. “We’ll find out. I have a few friends who are supposed to be there that I could ask. Is that all that’s troubling you?”
I fidgeted. “I’m not used to being like…this.” I gestured at the dress.
“I think you can handle being a girl. For what it’s worth, I think you make an excellent girl, whether or not you wear dresses.”
“Thank you,” I muttered. “It’s easier to be Gil than it is to be Jillian. No one pays attention to boys like they do to girls.”
Lochlan’s gaze softened slightly. “You’re right. I pay attention to you differently now.”
My steps faltered before I forced them steady again, staring straight ahead.
It was rare that I couldn’t find something to say.
As Gil, I’d always managed to joke and act casual.
Being Jillian felt like too much pressure.
I glanced Lochlan’s way and he smiled easily.
How could he be so comfortable? I felt like I was going to fly into a thousand pieces.
“Are you sure you’re all right?” he asked. “You seem a little flustered. You really didn’t have to dress up, you know. Would you rather go back to change?”
“No, it’s just…it’s just…” As hard as being Jillian was, I was afraid that if I was only Gil, Lochlan would only ever see me as a friend. I swallowed. He wouldn’t laugh if I told him, would he?
“I just wanted you to notice me,” I confessed, head down. “I want you to think of me as a girl, but I’m not very good at being a girl.”
“Trust me, I’ve been noticing you for weeks. And to be honest, I was rather hoping you’d notice I’m still a man and not just a girly co-conspirator who knits.”
“I noticed plenty,” I said rather shyly.
Maybe this wasn’t such a bad idea after all.