Chapter 31
LUKE
Scheduled for ninety minutes, the meeting runs over two hours, mostly because, at the end, Ezra and Alaric pepper Derek with a million sensible questions I can’t think to ask, seeing as my anxieties are entirely focused on Neil. He’s not let go of my hand during the entire meeting.
“You okay?” I check at the end, when Alaric and Ez have Derek cornered by the coffee urns. Ez even has his phone out, taking notes.
“Honestly? A bit overwhelmed.” Neil rubs the back of his neck as he glances across at his friends. “It’s a lot. But in a good way.”
“You have some amazing mates.”
“Yeah. I…uh…don’t really know what to do with it. I’m…I feel in shock. For months I’ve thought I’d lose the business, be generally side-lined. And now I know that’s not going to happen, I feel…knocked off my feet.”
Alaric wraps Derek up in a bear hug. Ez is balancing his third mug of tea with an armful of pamphlets. “They’re big personalities, aren’t they? Good to have on your side.”
“Yeah.” Neil’s face is a picture of exhaustion.
“Fancy a walk in the fresh air?” I suggest.
“Yeah,” he sighs, relieved. “I just need to thank Derek first. And maybe get the dates for when the meetings start up again after the Christmas break.”
Paddington Rec isn’t far away. On a Saturday afternoon, the park is teeming with folks making the most of the crisp and sunny wintry spell: dog walkers, footballers, families congregating over at the play area.
We head for the quieter side, sauntering aimlessly around the empty cricket pitch where the grass is a little too long at the boundaries, the centre crease covered with tarp for the winter.
A semi-circle of wrought iron benches frames the front of the closed pavilion; we choose a dry one and, with Neil’s arm around my shoulders, huddle close.
“It’s going to be weird knowing what things around me look like—this cricket pitch, for instance—but one day only seeing it in my mind.
” Neil tips his head back to gaze up at the pale blue sky.
“The world will still be here, but I’ll have nothing but the version of it I remembered.
I’m trying to get my head around that, only it’s too big a concept to grasp. ”
“I can’t imagine how that must feel,” I answer truthfully.
“No, I don’t think anyone can, except for the people in that meeting. Maybe I should ask one of them.”
He’s quiet for a moment, tracking a couple of wood pigeons flitting in and out of the trees. Playfully, he nudges me. “At least I’ll always picture myself as young. I’ll turn grey and never know.”
“Alaric will point the grey hairs out to you, have no worries about that.”
“Yeah. Whatever.” He huffs a laugh. “I’ll still be punk as fuck.”
I don’t doubt it for a minute. The pigeons land on the cricket pitch, pecking and circling each other, heads bobbing as if they’re old friends enjoying easy companionship.
“Did Alaric ever tell you,” Neil asks, suddenly, “what I said to him before I passed out in the hospital?” His hand reaches for mine. “Or did he tell you and you’ve forgotten?”
Forgotten? Not in a thousand lifetimes. “Totally slipped my mind,” I tease. “You’re going to have to remind me.”
“Can I kiss you first?”
“You don’t normally ask.”
With a breathy laugh, Neil leans his forehead to mine.
I close my eyes, letting the park and the people behind us spin away.
I feel the sensation of his mouth before it happens, a ghostly brush of cold lips, a tentative tongue.
I thought I’d already had the perfect kiss, our very first, outside the cinema.
But Neil’s lips are like a thriller movie with a twist; I think I know where the kiss is going and then his mouth curves, a breath catches, and suddenly it’s something else—deeper, more layered entirely.
“I love you, rash whisperer,” he says when he eventually pulls away.
“Head over heels.” He brings my hand to his mouth, kissing the knuckles one by one.
“In fact, there is not a head over heels in the world that covers how fucking comprehensibly I’m head over heels with you.
” His lips are gentle enough to make me shiver.
“And maybe you don’t know yet if you could ever love me like that.
I think you could, given time, but I’d understand if you don’t want to.
Because who wants to saddle themselves with a guy who’s soon not going to be able to navigate his own way from the Tube station, or read the specials menu in a restaurant, or notice when he’s got snot hanging from his nose? ”
Warmth blooms in my chest, sudden and dizzying. When I open my eyes, his beautiful caramel ones are waiting for me, clear and steady. Eyes crammed full of love and understanding and maybe fear too. But also full of stars and sunshine and hope, no matter what his future holds.
Neil’s asking who’s going to be there and love him for the little things. The quite mornings, the late evenings, the films, the routine meals, the shared box of Maltesers.
“Me,” I answer, and it’s the easiest answer to any question I’ve ever been asked. “I love you like that already.”