Self-portrait (Entertainment #2)

Chapter One Carden

Carden had never done a self-portrait before.

He stared at the canvas and then at himself in the mirror.

Pale skin, pale pink lips, light blond hair, nearly white in fact.

His natural hair color too. It was all so.

..bland. Sure, people told him often enough he was pretty, ethereal even, but when he looked into the mirror, he saw washed out and pale.

That probably had more to do with him than with others or reality when he was honest with himself.

He rubbed his neck, stared for a moment longer into the mirror, and the ghost stared back at him.

It was no use. He abandoned his self-portrait and went back to what he liked painting best: naked men and vibrant flowers.

There was joy in that, and they even sold sometimes. Not for much, but every bit helped.

◆◆◆

“Your men came out on national—internet,” Carden said and winced.

Adam grinned at him. “Yes, they did. You wanted to say "television," didn’t you?”

Carden waved it away. “Doesn’t matter. I just mean that your men are good men.

” Not like his ex. Kevin was a manipulative, abusive bastard, and Carden was glad that—fuck.

He knew it was better for him to not be with Kevin, but Kevin had provided for him too.

And now he had to do it all himself. It was harder than it should be.

He didn’t actually like being a starving artist. It sucked.

“Don’t,” Adam said.

“Don’t what?” Carden asked from Adam’s soft sofa.

Adam’s apartment was so fucking nice. Yes, he helped paint it and all, but it was Adam who made it a home.

A welcoming home. Carden’s little studio was shitty.

First, it was minuscule and cramped; second, it was bland; and third, it didn’t even have big windows, which he could use as an artist. And hell, only one of them opened.

He didn’t even have the energy to do something about it anymore.

Since he left Kevin three months ago, he had been sleeping at his friends’ places until he had found the shitty studio.

He hated it with a passion. There was nothing in it except a bed, a dresser, and his painting supplies, and it still felt like he had no room to do anything.

He missed their apartment, except it was never their apartment.

It had always belonged to Kevin. He hadn’t cared that his name hadn’t been on the lease back then.

“Don’t think about how much better you liked your apartment and how much you miss all the nice things Kevin used to do for you, the paints and canvases he used to buy you. You know he did it just to manipulate you.”

Carden rubbed his arm; the bruises that used to be there were long gone, of course, but it was a good reminder that Kevin had been mean and violent too.

Oh, he could be such a sweetheart. Especially after things between them got physical.

Well, not between them; Carden had never hit him.

Now thinking back on that time, he maybe should have.

Should have repaid that first slap in kind.

But he hadn’t. He had been too shocked that Kevin would do something like that.

Carden had never been slapped before. It was humiliating.

It had taken everything in him not to start crying.

Fuck, not thinking about that anymore. The man and that part of his life were in the past. And deep down he knew that a nice apartment and financial security weren’t worth it.

“I know,” Carden said and leaned his head against the backrest of the sofa.

“I know I’m better off without him.” He knew that.

He really did, but sometimes he missed having a soft bed and someone to bring him tea and cook him dinner.

Someone who would take him out and buy him new canvases and watch him paint.

“Good, and if you need a reminder, then I will be here. Day and night. Doesn’t matter.”

“Except when you’re getting kinky with your men,” Carden said, grinning.

Adam sat next to him, and Carden turned his head to look at Adam. “Anytime, even if I’m getting kinky with Sebastian and Chris.”

“That’s just bad etiquette, Adam. Even I know that. You don’t abandon your sub when you’re in the middle of things.”

“We don’t use that word,” Adam replied.

Carden nodded but didn’t ask if it was because it made Sebastia or Adam uncomfortable. Probably Adam. Sebastian seemed like a man who had his shit together. It helped, of course, that he was a gorgeous TV star in a hit series about superheroes and older than Adam.

“Besides, Chris would be there to take over for me,” Adam said, looking at him like he was fragile. Sometimes Carden felt fragile. Like he was made of spun glass, but not when he was with Adam, because Adam was a rock. Solid. He didn’t want to worry his friend more than he already did.

“I’m fine. I just like pretty things, and I miss not being able to buy pretty things because money is an issue right now. What with me paying my own rent and utilities.” He sighed. “Really, don’t worry about me. I’m looking for a part-time job; maybe it will pan out.”

Adam kissed his temple. “You’re doing great on your own.”

Carden laughed. It was a fucking lie, and they both knew it. Adam was doing great. Adam had a job he loved that paid well, he had a contract for the next season, he had hooked up with not one but two gorgeous actors, and he was exploring his kinky side too. Adam was in love, and he had it made.

Carden hadn’t had sex since he and Kevin broke up. Which was fucking sad and needed to be rectified.

“Maybe I need to go dancing,” Carden said.

“Excellent idea,” Adam replied. “I haven’t been dancing in some time either.”

“Urgh, no,” Carden said and shoved Adam gently.

“No?” Adam asked with a grin.

“No, you will bring your boyfriends, and you will be disgustingly happy and hot, and I will be depressed seeing you three making out on the dance floor. So no. I will go alone.” He grinned to take the sting out of his words. He was not jealous of Adam. He wanted his best friend to be happy.

“Are you sure?” Adam asked.

“Yes, I am. Maybe I’ll let someone take me home too.” Because there was no way he would take anyone home to his shitty studio.

“Good luck then?”

Carden laughed. “Do you think I need it?”

“No, Sebastian said you are lovely.”

“Lovely,” Carden replied. Sebastian Winter was probably referring to his looks. He knew he had lucked out there. Objectively speaking, he was good-looking. All that paleness did it for a lot of people, but lately Carden thought he looked washed out and bland. Like a ghost.

He wasn’t fabulous like Adam with his black hair and piercing blue eyes, the sparkly nails, and lip gloss. Wasn’t someone who looked like a rock star god when decked out in leather and lace.

“Lovely,” Adam said with emphasis. “Not only your looks, you. He talked about you.”

“I will thank him for that compliment the next time I see him,” Carden replied. Not that he had much hope of seeing a lot of Sebastian or Chris.

Adam got up and looked down at him. “What?” Carden asked when the scrutiny got to him a few moments later.

“I’m going to feed you,” Adam said

Carden gasped, fake outraged, because Adam’s cock was right there; he just had to lean in, not that he ever would. He and Adam had never had feelings for each other that way. “You have two boyfriends, Adam!”

Adam rolled his eyes, ignoring his theatrics. “Pasta fine with you?”

“Are you going to make me chop things?”

Adam cocked his head and studied him. Carden wondered what he saw. Adam had always been good at reading people. “No. You can just sit here and do whatever while I make us dinner.”

“Thank you, Adam,” Carden said.

“Don’t mention it.”

Carden knew that Adam meant it.

◆◆◆

“Citizen Clash are playing at Insider ,” Pearl said. It was an unseasonably warm day, so they were sitting outside. People were throwing them looks. Pearl soaked it up like the sun. Carden would rather be inside the café so he could hide from the sunshine and the smiling people alike.

He had heard about the band but couldn’t connect a song or a face to that band name. “Okay?”

“You said you wanted to go dancing,” Pearl replied, taking a sip from her iced coffee.

“Yes, I did.” It had been two weeks since he first mentioned it to Adam and then to Pearl. So far nothing had come of it, and it was Carden’s own damn fault. He knew that.

“So, you, me, Insider this Friday.”

“Are they famous? Should I know about them?” Carden asked.

She gave him a look and threw her dark brown hair over her shoulders. She liked to do that for dramatic effect. “They are on their way there, and we’re so lucky they are local. Born and raised right here in our city.”

“Local?”

She sighed. “Do you know nothing about punk rock anymore, Carden? When did that happen?”

“I never knew anything about punk rock, Pearl. I think you are confusing me with someone else.” Someone cool and hip.

“You are coming with me,” she said. “I have a spare ticket.”

“How do you have a spare ticket?” Carden asked. “Did someone blow you off?”

“Who even would dare?” Pearl replied with a grin.

“Did you get two tickets so you could blackmail me into coming with you?”

“Would I do that? Am I that evil? Do you need to be blackmailed into having a good time now?” she asked.

Carden nodded. “Yes, yes, you are.” Fuck, he needed to be blackmailed into having a good time. It was pathetic.

“It’s for your own good.” She finished her coffee and stood. “I’ll see you on Friday. Wear something cute.”

“To a punk rock concert?” Carden asked, bewildered.

“It’s at Insider ,” Pearl threw over her shoulder as she walked away from him.

Well, still. It wasn’t like you wore your cute clothes to Insider either. He could say no. He could fake an illness on Friday. Carden had no obligations whatsoever. Except Pearl was worried about him. And he told his friends he wanted to put himself out there again.