WITHHOLDING
After leaving Duke’s place, I returned to my condo, which felt less like home and more like a storage space for the museum of artwork and miscellaneous souvenirs he and I had collected during our travel abroad. It felt like the earth had swallowed the sun, leaving me behind in a land of nothingness. Obscurity. Darkness. It shrouded my world and turned what was once vivid and vibrant into a monotonous mix of black and white with few gray areas.
There was no escaping him. His presence dwelled in my home, in the apparitions at the spa, in my favorite restaurants. We weren’t broken up. I never said those words. I just– fuck . A host of shit had since risen from that evening together after the run-in with Julie— Mya . Whatever.
That bitch seemed far too delighted to have ruffled my feathers. “ Give me a few seconds of your time. I’ll tell you all about it. ”
What the fuck did she mean? What needed telling? Confusion and frustration did a cha-cha slide in my mind.
Myaquanna .
What the hell was he thinking marrying her?
Annoyance aside, giving myself space away from the situation granted me the necessary time to truly feel all my feelings. Feel and release. No compartmentalization. Duke could use a lesson or two in somatic therapy to aid in his bottled feelings as well.
I was livid. Not because we’d run into his ex-wife. Not because of what she said. But because his old drama was creeping into my world. Our world . The world we’d created for ourselves full of passport visas and new adventures. We deserved a chance at romance, absent the theatrics. Duke needed to handle that shit.
There was so much I didn’t know.
“ Knowing a person’s romantic history can be enlightening. Especially in a new relationship. ”
Robyn was right. I needed a thorough review of Duke’s past to ensure it didn’t interfere with our present.
I didn’t know when the hell I’d see him, but whenever that time came, new boundaries would be erected, and changes would be made. Wherever we’d go from here, Myaquanna’s ass couldn’t come.
One week later.
Pacing the living room of Sadie and Supreme’s home, my fingers raked through the messy bun atop my head. With most of my friends unhappy and single, I sought the advice of my happily married sisters-in-love. Taking relationship advice from a single person with little relationship experience never settled with my spirit.
After the whole Juliette or Mya thing at Duke’s place, putting space between us seemed the best course of action. And while I’d granted myself ample time to feel and release, I hadn’t come any closer to a resolution about how to move forward.
Involuntarily, I missed him. We’d grown accustomed to each other’s presence. More often than not, I was at his penthouse than my own home. Being at my condo now left me with mismatched feelings, as if I didn’t belong in my own home. The sting of his absence had been unprecedented.
He’d called me the following evening I left the penthouse, asking if I wanted to talk, but mismanaged thoughts held my tongue hostage. I had nothing to say at the time. I couldn’t tell if I was upset with him or his ex. Choosing silence allowed me to sort those feelings appropriately without lashing out at the wrong person.
“ I’ll reach out to you when I’m ready to talk .” Vaguely, I’d offered the text. Seven days later, I still hadn’t followed through on that promise. The breaking of said pledge left my heart in a vacuum. I missed my man.
“What more is there to say, Reni?” Sadie propped her legs up on a footrest and sat back in her seat. “He told you everything, right?”
“Yeah, but—”
“Do you want to continue the relationship?” Tori asked.
“I don’t want it to end. I just don’t need this nigga’s past knocking on his door or spilling into our relationship.”
“Too late for that,” Sadie mumbled, sipping a cup of mint tea and palming her swollen belly.
“Had I known about all this, I would’ve—”
Tori scoffed. “You would’ve what? Didn’t you say he told you what he did on the first day you met?”
“Yeah, but—”
“Ain’t no but . Willful ignorance, Reni. Where were your follow-up questions? That was a red flag he freely offered. Where was the due diligence, boo?”
“He’s a good man, Savannah,” Sadie tossed the line from Waiting to Exhale .
“What is it that you want from this thing you’re doing with him? If not marriage, what is the end goal? Have you discussed any of this with Duke?” Tori asked on a heavier note.
“No.” Breathing heavily and ignoring her former questions, I plopped down on the sofa beside her and popped a salmon crustini bite into my mouth. The savory notes of smoked salmon paired well with prosciutto, crème fraiche, and a pinch of caviar. Even the rich bitch hors d’oeuvres didn’t hit the same under emotional malnutrition.
“Aren’t you supposed to avoid seafood?” I asked Sadie, changing the topic.
“Girl, leave me and my smoked salmon alone. These babies are developed enough not to be affected by a bit of fish. Carry on,” she waved me on.
“We haven’t had a discussion,” I confessed once my mouth was clear of food. “I want forever. That’s my end goal. Someone I can spend the rest of my life with on my terms and not society’s.”
Tori and Saint had recently celebrated a decade of love together. With pleasure, I watched them mature and grow with one another. I was much younger than them, but I remember the day my brother brought Tori to our parents’ home. Where Tori was once young and fiery, she’d relaxed in the ease of eternity with my brother. She’d relaxed in the ease of femininity. She was still fiery, but she was soft. My brother was to blame in part.
I wanted that. Craved it even. It needn’t look like what they had. They weren’t idols by far. Simply put, I wanted something of my own. I wanted that with Duke. I thought I had it with him, but having the safety and authenticity of such a connection required no skeletons of the past resurrecting themselves.
No fucking Julie or Myaquanna . Whatever the fuck her name was.
“When do you plan to call the man? You can’t make progress with him in his corner and you in yours,” Sadie offered. “You know you want to work things out. It’s obvious he does as well.”
“I know ,” I sighed. “I guess it’s time, huh?”
“Girl, stop punishing that man and go give him some. I couldn’t hold out an entire week from Saint,” Tori tittered.
“Me and Supreme don’t withhold sex,” Sadie added. “You’re better than me.”
“I wasn’t withholding .”
“So what were you doing exactly? How many days did it take for you to unravel your thoughts?” Tori probed.
“Two. Maybe three.”
“See? Withholding . Couldn’t be me. I’d be helplessly sliding down—”
“Tori! Saint is my brother,” I fussed, covering my ears.
“My bad. Just know, we keeps it spicy over here. Mad or not, we fucking.”
Eyes darting between Sadie and me, Tori cleared around her mouth of vegan bites. I knew she had more to say. It was coming in three… two…
“That’s not cute what you’re doing to that man, Reni. You call yourself chatting with us for advice. Advice, I might add, that you don’t need while that man is mere feet away from his ex-wife. Couldn’t have been me. I wouldn’t have left his side. I’d be squirting up and down Gray’s halls and marking my territory. Those fucking thoughts would’ve been untangled right in bed, legs spread, head tipped, back arched…”
“ Tori !”
In unison, Sadie and I scolded her with laughter. She had a point, though. The bulk of my week had been restless, depleted of sleep, and replete with need for a honey-hued, bow-legged man sporting a well-groomed beard and semi-gray goatee.
In the comfort of my home, I stripped down to nothing, showered, and stood in the foggy mirror. My cocoa frame was oiled to perfection, exactly how Duke liked it. Fucking glistening .
As the steam of the shower dissipated, I eyed the traditional barbells sported by my pierced nipples. Turning toward my jewelry box resting on my vanity, I skimmed through a host of nipple rings, locating the fourteen-carat D hoops I’d bought with Duke in mind.
After switching out the barbells for the hoops, I skipped panties, pulled on a knitted dress, a furry bucket hat, and furry ankle boots. Grabbing my wool trench and car keys, I prepped myself to brave the minutes of cold it would take to make it to my vehicle in the parking garage and warm my car.
Inside the car, I seesawed between calling Duke before I came over and simply showing up. Opting to be an adult and protect my peace, I took a deep breath and dialed his line. The heat from the AMG blasted against my cheeks, relentlessly warming me. Absently, I shifted the gear into reverse, utilizing the backup camera to maneuver from my parking spot.
Duke’s line rang out, leaving me to contemplate returning upstairs. The chill of an empty bed was unconvincing and further discouraged the thought. H.E.R.’s sweet and warm vocals careened me out of the backup plan as well.
“ It’s about time we’re makin’ up.
The times you wasn’t with me wakin’ up.
Lyin’ if I said I didn’t miss your touch.
I needed to, I needed to.
Needed to distance myself from you.
Oh, just to know you are the truth.”
It was settled. Depressing the gas pedal of the AMG GT, I eased out of the parking garage, making the twelve-minute drive to Gray Hotel .
A montage of billboards, bright lights, and business signage peppered Love Blvd. Breezing past Sin , I recalled the insults on Thanksgiving from my brother toward Duke. We still weren’t speaking. An entire relationship had been fractured in defense of Duke.
All of this can’t be for nothing.
Making a left on Desire, I crept away from the hustle and bustle of Love Blvd. Frantic, my nails tapped against the phone’s screen. A second call was placed to Duke as I neared Gray Hotel . Again, he didn’t answer. Pulling up to the valet under the hotel’s elaborate porte-cochère, I exited and grabbed my ticket.
Was he out of the country ? Was he with someone else ? Maybe he’s sleeping. Or maybe he’s just ignoring me .
Untamed, my thoughts danced across thousands of synapses. The nervousness I felt nearly made me about-face to return in the direction I’d come. Standing center in the hotel’s lobby, those thoughts of doubt came to a screeching halt upon noticing her .
Myaquanna Juliette Stepford.
Clinging on the arm of some handsome man, she didn’t notice me as the pair eased by and out of the hotel’s door. This bitch was blissfully booed up, and I was miserably alone and away from Duke. Senseless , I berated myself. Without delay, my feet swiftly led me down the hall and up the hotel’s antiquated elevator to the penthouse floor.
While armed with the keycard Duke had given me for entry, I halted at the door, offering to knock instead. Never had I been a presumptuous bitch, and I damn sure didn’t want to walk in on him with someone else. Trepidation anchored me in place, and fear snaked its way up my limbs. Seconds passed before I heard footsteps approaching. The pressure of weight pushed against the door as he utilized the peephole. Finally, he opened up.
Dressed in nothing but boxers, he stretched and yawned. His bare chest, a surfboard. His ripped arms, a paddle. The morning wood sported between his legs reminded me of what I’d missed for an entire week. Even on soft, he was capable of touching his thigh. Dragging my eyes away from his groin, I managed a single syllable.
“Hey.”
Rubbing his lids, he cleared them of sleep.
“What’s up?”
“Can I come in?” Motioning to the bowels of the penthouse, my eyes whisked to the interior.
“Come on.”
Stretching the door wider, he allowed me entry. The undeniable contact of his eyes skimmed across my body as I eased past.
Detouring to the kitchen, Duke filled a glass with tap water while I shed my coat and hung it near the front door. After having his fill, he set the glass aside and finally spoke more than two words. “What’s up with you?”
“I’m here. How are you, Duke? What have you been up to these last few days?”
“I just got back from spending a few days in the gulf.”
“Oil rigs?” Inching closer to the quartz counters, I braced my weight. Duke’s eyes surveyed the length of my body, from the furry ushanka hat to the matching wooly mammoth boots.
“Yeah, oil. It’s been a long week.”
“I didn’t mean to disturb your sleep. I was hoping we could talk.”
“Okay.”
As he stalked toward the living room, I followed behind. Stretched across the sofa, he relaxed his head against a pillow and closed his eyes. The lull of the overhead ceiling fan aided in calming my nerves as I gathered my thoughts.
“You aren’t going back to sleep on me, are you?”
“I’m tired, Bee, but I’m still awake. Go ahead. Talk .”
Evasive, my words were. Words I’d rehearsed and studied prior to my arrival. Maybe it was his seductive physique, the velvety tone of his voice, or the commanding way he said “talk,” but my head was a mess. Only one set of words didn’t come with confusion. No chaos. No delusions. Just truth.
“I love you, Duke.”
“I love you, too, Serenity.” Almost instinctively but not robotically, he returned the confession.
“I don’t want anything or anyone coming between us.”
“Likewise,” he said, finger combing through his goatee and stifling a yawn.
“Is there anything else I need to know about you and your ex-wife?”
“Hmm. Let me think.”
Seconds passed.
“What do you want to know?”
“Anything you haven’t told me. Even if it’s insignificant. Full disclosure.”
Covering his arm over his face, he huffed.
“That’s a lot to disclose.”
“The important things. Things that can affect us ,” I clarified.
“There are videos .”
“What videos, Duke?” I was trying to be patient. Trying not to allow frustration to take the driver’s seat. That went out the window . Tattooed into a grimace, my facial features revealed my annoyance against my efforts.
“I fucked those women to get back at her and sent her videos. That night at Genevieve was one of them. I was in rare form back then. It was impulsive.” His eyes were trained on the ceiling while he lived in his regret.
“Why did you leave this part out of the story when you told me about it a week ago?”
Finally, his gaze shifted. “Shame. I was embarrassed. I’m too old to be doing shit like that. It was a weak moment. Weak moments . I’m not proud of it.”
Okay . I opened my mouth to thank him for his honesty, but he started talking again.
“She wouldn’t be here without the monthly alimony checks she receives. Mya ain’t got no fucking job.”
Shit like that could keep you from ever wanting to wed. Ever wanting to wed again, in his case. Old feelings of envy came hard and fast, reminding me why I despised Mya. Hated the bitch. She didn’t deserve him. She didn’t deserve his money. She didn’t deserve to remain a part of his life, siphoning undeserved funds from his pockets. She was his past, weaseling her leeching ass into his present. Fighting for relevancy.
I wasn’t mad at Duke for the past week, I’d finalized. It was her. She’d pulled me in and siphoned my ass too. Foolishly, I’d granted her undeserved energy when she should have been paid dust in attention.
Removing his arm, Duke sighed again. Left and right, his head shook as if to clear it of sordid memories. “Mya never loved me, Bee. She wanted a man she couldn’t have and settled for me because I was the one with deeper pockets. That much will forever be clear.”
“You loved her, though.”
Silence. The language of God. It reigned just as my words. Silence spoke so loudly when truth entered the room.
“Doesn’t matter. She married for status. I married for love. Look where it got us.”
Part of his heart still lived with his ex-wife. He wouldn’t say it, but I could feel it. She’d been granted a portion of him he had yet to recover and possibly never would.
“I hate her.” Impulsively, I spoke the feral thought. It was one of many. Looking in my direction, he wordlessly probed for further details.
“Who, Bee? Mya ?”
“The woman who stole some of your light. It’s not hers to have.”
“I agree, baby. I agree.”
I heaved once and blinked twice.
“So, call it back. Don’t allow her to triumph while you lug these bitter emotions around.”
“I don’t give a fuck about Mya. The woman I want is sitting across from me.”
“That may be true, but why does it feel like you’ve given her the upper hand in your healing?”
His shoulders rose and fell.
“I sold the house. Too many fermented memories of what happened that day. This setup at Gray’s was supposed to be a temporary living situation, but I enjoy living here. I have fewer liabilities than I would with a house. I didn’t expect to cross paths with her again.”
“Would you ever consider moving?”
“I was considering buying this fucking penthouse until I discovered Mya is a resident on the floor below. I am moving, Bee. I’m not certain where, but I don’t want to be this close to her. Don’t need her in my business. Don’t want to be alerted of hers.”
While his reason made sense, it still seemed tied to her. Still, she was affecting his life despite moving on with hers. I thought about the man I witnessed Mya clinging to prior to heading up the elevator. Tucking the thought somewhere distant, my attention returned to a restful Duke.
“Can I see the divorce decree?”
“Tomorrow.”
My moment of silence caused him to open his eyes and turn toward me. “Is that okay? I don’t feel like riffling through documents in the closet right now.”
“Yeah. It’s fine.”
“Maybe you could teach me some of that somatic release stuff. Help me get this debris away from me… From us .”
“I don’t mind.”
I did it for your sorry-ass ex-wife. Why not you ?
“I’d do anything for you, Duke.”
That shit was frightening. I’d never experienced this level of dedication to a man. My thoughts scrambled to locate a way to be rid of Mya. Some of them were unthinkable .
Duke’s gaze could liquefy snow. Again, those warm brown orbs traveled the expanse of my body. Sitting up straight, he said, “It’s been a hellish week without you.”
“Likewise, baby. I missed you,” I confessed.
Sitting up on the couch, he raked through his goatee. “You ain’t acting like it. I ain’t get no kiss, no hug, no booty rub…”
“Because we were talking.”
“Are we done now? Can I bend you over and slide in it? Can I grip your waist while you ride on it?” Bedroom eyes crept up my thighs. Duke was burning for me just as much as I was for him.
Wordlessly, I rose, clearing the space keeping us separate in no time. Straddling him on the sofa, we kissed like unfed souls at a buffet.
Hypnotizing, Duke’s tongue was. Warm and sweet, dipped in the unique flavor of him, I greedily sucked against his invasion. Paired with the scent of toasted vanilla and bergamot, the soft, feathery sensation of his beard against my skin, and the light pressure of his lips, he felt—he smelled—he tasted like heaven.
Dipping his head, he palmed my breasts, nipping each through the fabric of my dress.
“I like this. These boots. That hat. This tiny ass dress,” he growled, lifting the fabric covering my ass to reveal bare skin.
“No panties? You knew you were getting this dick tonight, huh?”
Biting my bottom lip, I stifled a smile. “Mmh hmm.”
Reaching between us, I grabbed his dick and steered it toward my center. Duke’s hands went toward my neck, which he caressed. With a firmer grip, he whispered, “Slide him in.”
Lifting slightly, I guided his length inside. A deep, unbidden sigh was freed as he filled me. Seven days was far too long to be without his touch, his voice, his taste. Tori and Sadie were right. Never again would the mistake be made. Slowly, I began to rock against him. Clutching his shoulders, I gradually eased into a steady bounce.
“I missed you. I missed this dick .”
“What took you so fucking long,” he gritted.
Thrusting upward, he took over the rhythm, orchestrating my movements and slow destruction. Whimpers and whines were emancipated from my throat. Duke’s fingers slid inside my mouth, silencing my love cry. Hungrily, I sucked as he continued to slide into me without mercy.
Our passion stretched to ardent stares, whispers in my ear, nibbles against his neck, interlocked fingers, and tingles up my spine.
Relentless strokes caused us to shift from the sofa to the floor. Pleasure galvanized my core, seizing my senses and threatening to erupt savagely. Duke squeezed my ass cheeks, steadily laying slaps against each. Uncontrollably, I whined as pleasure took root. My head fell forward into his chest as the electrifying sensations rose and abated with my peak.
“Take this dress off. Keep the hat on,” he growled. Undeterred and full of vigor, the man could fuck through multiple orgasms.
Assisting me in getting naked, save for the furry boots and hat, Duke gently gripped my neck.
“Get up, baby. Hands to ankles.”