Chapter 32 #3
But His Majesty had killed Yat-sen; that fact remained.
Though, as much as it pained her, she could see the justification behind it.
Especially now that his wife was pregnant, he likely wanted to eradicate anyone who posed a threat to himself, to his rule, and to his growing family—and Yat-sen had tried to kill him. And so had she.
He would be ruthless with her. She knew that as a fact.
Her emotions were confusing and conflicting, and she didn’t know what to believe anymore.
“Nikator,” she whispered. “I … I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
He flinched, like the words burned him, and then narrowed his eyes at her. “Don’t lie to me.” There was an uncharacteristic tremor in his voice, but it quickly steeled itself with his next words. “You did what you had to do—what you believe you had to do.”
“And what would have happened otherwise? Would you have rescued me from my fate, or would you have stood by while I continued to suffer in silence? Would you have allowed His Majesty to marry me off to Wu Jian?” She blinked rapidly to keep the tears at bay and had to stare up at the star speckled night sky to hold herself together.
She exhaled shakily. She hated the pain, the aching, that was so obvious in her tone.
She hated how weak and small she sounded, and she hated that she couldn’t conceal her emotions from him—or from the bond like he could.
“I was tired of always being a prisoner. I wanted true freedom. Running away wouldn’t have granted me that.
I needed to ensure that no one would ever chase me down.
You have to understand! You wouldn’t have rescued me.
I know it. You … you hated me for a long, long time.
I couldn’t trust you—I … I still can’t.”
The rest of the words she wanted to share caught in her throat.
She twisted the edge of the blanket. He continued to stare at her blankly from across the fire, watching her with those gleaming sapphire eyes of his.
She usually loved to see the mischief that lay there, the steel, the glimmer that told her he was admiring her—but all of that was gone.
It was back to how they used to be; only a hard glint remained, like he didn’t even know her.
When he remained silent, her voice broke again. “Well? Please say something.”
“You already decided in your mind that I would do nothing for you. You didn’t even think to ask me, because you thought I didn’t care.
You still think I’m a fucking monster, princess.
” The light in his eyes faded and only darkness swirled in the depths of his void-like eyes.
“You made your choice and it didn’t include me. I was just an obstacle … no, a tool.”
He was partly right—she didn’t think he would do anything. But how could he blame her for that when they had been enemies for so long? The implication hung in the air and she tightened her hold on her blanket. “Are you saying that you would have done something?”
“Of course I would have helped you!” He pounded a fist on his chest—on his heart. Rage simmered beneath the surface of his barely controlled mask. She could feel it radiating through their bond, visceral and volatile. “I would have set the world at your feet if only you had asked!”
“Why do I have to ask for your help? Why couldn’t you have just given it?”
“Because I didn’t know you were working on a timeline!
You didn’t say anything to me. I was going to ask Muyang if he could—” He cut himself off with a head shake, his lips curled back.
“You didn’t even think that I would do anything for you.
And you still think I hated you? I’ve told you time and time again that I’ve never hated you and you still don’t believe me. ”
Biyu couldn’t hold back the tears that rolled down her cheeks.
He watched the tears with a stricken expression, turning away sharply.
Was what he was saying true? She would have been freed if only she had asked him?
It made all of this sound so futile. Her resistance, her struggles, everything she and Yat-sen had gone through.
She had made a mistake in trying to kill Drakkon Muyang, but it was too late for apologies now, because even if he wasn’t entirely an evil man, he was vicious when it came to his family. And she had threatened it.
But more than that, Biyu mourned the relationship she had severed. Her heart broke into a million pieces and she hated how horrible she felt in that moment. She kept talking about how everyone was such a monster, but she was the biggest one.
She hadn’t even realized Liqin was carrying years of trauma and pain caused by their evil father. She hadn’t thought to reach out to her. She hadn’t ventured to think that maybe her sister’s ire toward the world was deeper than just being imprisoned.
She hadn’t even thought to ask Nikator for his help. She had written him off as her enemy since the beginning.
She had thought of Drakkon Muyang as a wicked man when it was clear that he loved his wife, their unborn child, and the Peccata. He held his allies close, but she’d chosen to ignore that. She’d chosen to ignore that by killing him, she would have been putting all of those people in danger.
Biyu was the monster.