Chapter 34 #2
Nikator was more than capable of killing her—she had always known that.
It didn’t make the bitter taste in her mouth easier to swallow.
She stared at the opening of the bag with the various nuts and dried fruits on display.
She picked at the dried peaches and ate them quickly, hating the way her eyes stung.
She was stupid for becoming excited at the prospect of him remembering her favorite foods or having a reaction to her naked body.
What did it matter if he would be the one throwing her at death’s doors?
“He’s going to kill me,” Biyu whispered, searching his face for a reaction. She didn’t know what she expected—maybe that he would show some guilt over it, or that he would change his mind—but Nikator’s cool expression didn’t change. “Nikator, he’s going to kill me!”
He sighed. “You don’t know that.”
Her mouth dropped open and she gaped at him for a few moments.
“Are you serious? Drakkon Muyang will kill me! He’s brutally killed everyone who’s stood in his way and who’s ever betrayed him.
Why would he spare me? He’ll probably make an example out of me!
He already killed Yat-sen.” Her throat tightened at the thought and she squeezed her stinging eyes shut.
“You both are traitors.” His words came out snappish, harsh, and void of any warmth. “You will simply be judged for what you did.”
“You don’t care?” She tugged the drawstring of the bag closed and jumped to her feet. “He’ll kill me and you’ll just … hand me over?”
“You don’t get to pretend you’re the victim when you orchestrated his murder, princess.
” He spat out her title in a mocking tone.
She could feel the trembling of rage through their bond; it grew and waned, as if he was struggling to control it.
His face twisted with a frown. “You used me for your plan to kill the man who raised me. You put all of us in danger. And now you’re pretending like you’re a victim in all of this?
As if you played no part in manipulating and stabbing everyone in the back? Stabbing me in the back?”
“I understand I’m not the victim and I did wrong, but I just wanted to be free, Nikator! Can’t you see that?”
“You tried to kill him, princess! You could have run away and kept your hands clean! You could have avoided me, you could have—” He walked around the horse until they were a mere foot apart.
His hands clenched together and his jaw tightened.
“You could have handled it so differently. You keep saying that you did it for your freedom, but you didn’t have to resort to violence, murder, or manipulations. ”
Tears stung her eyes and she hated how right he was.
She had thought that she needed to kill Drakkon Muyang in order to achieve complete freedom, but she could see that she had been wrong about so many things.
He wasn’t entirely a villain, and he was better than her father had been.
Despite all the wrong he had done, she wasn’t in the right for wanting to rip him away from his wife, from the Peccata, and from everyone who cared for him.
“Oh, don’t fucking cry now.” He scoffed as a tear rolled down her cheek.
A pained look passed over his face for a split second, but it was replaced by fury.
He shook his head in disgust. “Everything between us was a lie. You used me. You … lied to me, princess. You made a fool out of me. Were you secretly laughing as I spilled the truth to you? As I told you everything you wanted to hear?”
She flinched. “No, Nik, I didn’t—”
“Don’t call me that,” he snapped. “You lost that right.”
“Nikator,” she began again, voice trembling. “I’m sorry. You have to believe me that I didn’t want to hurt you. I … I messed up. I’m sorry for hurting you.”
“Save your breath.” His nostrils flared with every forceful breath and his hands curled into fists. “I should have never trusted you when I knew—I damn well knew—you were trouble. That you couldn’t be trusted. And like a fool, I fell for it all.”
“You have to believe me when I say I’m sorry.
” More tears ran down her face and she stepped forward to touch him, but he stepped back stiffly.
Her hand hung in the air for a moment and her face crumpled.
“Nikator, I didn’t want to betray you. I wanted us to be together.
I wanted—no, I still want that. I want to be with you. ”
His teeth ground together, jaw clenching. “Don’t lie to me like that.”
“I’m not lying!”
“You’ve always been a liar. Why am I still surprised?”
“I’m not lying.” She broke the distance between them and took hold of the front of his shirt.
She clung to him, pleading, “Nikator, I’m so sorry.
I didn’t want to hurt you. I was wrong—I was so wrong.
I thought that I had to help Yat-sen kill Drakkon Muyang so that we could be completely free.
I thought it would be better to put Yat-sen on the throne.
But I was wrong. Please, forgive me. You have to understand—”
“You’re smarter than that, princess.” He didn’t push her away, but remained deathly still, his gaze burning with hatred. “You didn’t have to resort to any of this. And now you’re playing the part of guilt and regret? I don’t believe it for one second. You just want me to let you go, don’t you?”
“No, that’s not—” She tried shaking him, her sobs breaking from deep within her. “That’s not it! Don’t lie to me and tell me you don’t feel something between us?”
“Am I supposed to feel something before or after you stab me again?”
“I didn’t stab you!”
“Metaphorically. But how about we make it literal too?” He whipped out a dagger from his thigh strap and flipped it until the blade was pointed down.
He thrust it into her hand and wrapped her fingers around the hilt.
His eyes glowed with animosity. “Stab me, princess. I know you want to. Do it and run away like you always do.”
“Stop!” She sobbed and tried pulling her hand back but he didn’t relent. He twisted her hand with the weapon until the edge was pressed against his heart. She didn’t want to hurt him, but he was practically shoving it closer. “Stop, Nikator! I don’t want to hurt you! Please!”
“You have hurt me, princess.” He released her hand and the dagger slipped to the ground. A conflicted look passed over his features at the sight of her weeping, but he turned his away. His hands fisted and unclenched. “I thought … I thought we had something.”
“We did,” she cried, shoulder shaking.
“No, we didn’t.” Nikator grimaced. “We didn’t have anything. I was just another cog in your plan.”
“That’s not true.”
He stared at her long and hard, his gaze tracking over the tears streaming down her face, to her lips, her nose, her eyes—as if he wanted to imprint her expression into his memory.
His mouth parted, then closed, and his face tightened.
She could feel a deep sadness through their bond for a split second, before he capped it up and away.
“I loved you,” he whispered.
Biyu’s breath caught in her throat and the world seemed to freeze in that single moment. The breeze ceased, the tree branches stopped swaying, and even the stream seemed to quiet. Her heartbeat thundered in her ears.
“Nikator,” she began, voice hitching. She stepped forward, but he halted her with his hand. The distance between them remained charged.
“I loved you. I should hate you in this moment, Biyu. I should hate that you betrayed me. That your revenge was more important than what we had. That you lied to me the entire time. I should resent you for it all, but you know what I feel?” For once, he let down his guard, his face no longer shuttered.
She could see the heartbreak written all over him.
The sadness reflected in his eyes, the way his shoulders were pulled taut, his wavering voice.
“I feel like you’ve stabbed me through the heart.
I feel rage like I’ve never felt before. I feel … like a fool.”
She could feel it all through the bond. The pain. The bitterness. The fury.
He’d loved her.
The admission made her want to break down into tears all over again, because it was past tense.
He didn’t love her anymore. But also … he had loved her?
When they were together—he loved her? In those moments, there was love between them?
It shocked her down to her core that he was capable of feeling that way toward her.
But then the moment shattered as she realized she had ruined it all.
“Nikator,” she said, blinking away the tears. “You can feel my emotions through the bond, can’t you? Can’t you feel my sadness? My regret?”
“Over getting caught?” He shook his head. “Princess, of course you’re angry and sad that I’ve caught you.”
“No, that’s not why.” She hated that he refused to believe her, and yet she could understand it too. She hadn’t built a foundation of trust and truth between them; instead, it was all a lie. “Use your magic and see into my mind. Isn’t that what you do to your victims? You take a peek—”
He reeled back like she had slapped him. “I don’t use that on people I care about.”
“Why not?”
“It’s invasive. It’s … a method of torture.”
“I don’t mind. You can look into my mind. You can see that I’m telling the truth.”
He turned his face away, exhaling deeply. “I can’t, princess.”
“Why?”
He didn’t answer immediately. Only stared at the distance, schooling his expression, and when he looked back at her, she could hardly see the pain and grief. She only saw a man carved with indifference. “Because I am afraid of what I’ll find.”
“Nikator! If you just—”
“I would rather never know the truth,” he said quietly.
Out of all the things he could have said, that was the last she’d expected from him. He was a ruthless warrior, a blade forged with violence and rage, a man of steel—and yet he was afraid of what was in her mind. What she thought of him. What she’d been planning with him.