Chapter 38 #2
“What do you mean?”
His fingers stirred the bath water absently; his eyebrows furrowed together, lips sealed shut.
A thousand words seemed to pass between them.
Her heart tightened like a vise and she could hear her own insecurities.
About how she wasn’t smart enough, pretty enough, or decisive enough.
How she was too anxious, too dithering, too useless when it mattered.
Did he similarly think those things about himself? That he wasn’t good enough for her?
Just the thought itself was unfathomable. He was confident, powerful, intelligent, fun, perfect in every way.
“Nikator, what do you mean by that?” She wrapped her hand around his fingers. When he still didn’t speak, she brought his hand up to her cheek and placed it there, leaning against his palm. “Please, what do you mean someone like you?”
He pulled back, letting her hand fall back into the water. Suddenly, he was closed off once more. “Maybe it’s best if we have this conversation while you’re dressed.”
She blinked, staring down at her bare body.
The bubbles had mostly dissolved, but she didn’t see why it mattered too much.
He had seen it all before, and yet his gaze roamed over her body hungrily, as if he hadn’t just caressed that body an hour prior.
As if he hadn’t trailed his hands over every inch of her.
Darkness swirled in those rich sapphire blue eyes.
He ripped his attention away almost forcibly, a shuddered breath releasing from him in a hiss.
“Get dressed. Let’s go outside to talk.”
He jerked up to his feet, walked over to the door and hung there for a moment, his rigid back turned to her.
She quickly slipped out of the bath, dried herself off, and threw on the dress she had picked out.
She didn’t bother wrapping her hair into a bun, or doing it intricately.
She let it hang over her shoulders, where it dampened her clothes.
“I’m dressed.”
He nodded stiffly and yanked the door open.
The cool evening air wafted within the stuffy room and he walked through it without waiting for her.
Biyu sighed and followed behind him until they were out on the street.
They slowly made their way down the narrow streets of the village.
The night enveloped them in inky shadows, repelled only by the silvery sheen of moonlight.
“Nikator.” She hugged her elbows to her slight frame, gaze drifting to a blood splatter against one of the houses. “What did you mean in there?”
A cold breeze shifted over them. He paused and glanced over his shoulder at her. His eyes blazed with life, with something dark.
“I’ve been thinking about it a lot, about our roles in all of this.
” He turned so he was now fully facing her.
“You were only with me because you had no other option. You’re a beautiful woman with a kind heart.
I, on the other hand, am a tool for destruction.
My whole life has prepared me to be a monster, princess.
But you … you were always meant to be more than that.
You deserve to be free. To truly witness the world.
You deserve more than to be chained to me.
I am just another form of punishment, another form of imprisonment, for you. ”
She was already shaking her head, her hands fisting. “No, you’re not. You’re more than that—”
“You’re confusing infatuation with … with love.
Of course you think you love me. You had nobody else to talk to, no other man to spend time with you, to say sweet words to you.
You clung to that. We never had equal footing—how could we, when you were a prisoner and I was not?
It’s not fair for you to be stuck with me.
” He raked a hand through his hair, pain shuddering through the bond and searing her chest. She approached him, her hand raised, but he stepped back so there was still a distance between them.
She fell short a few feet away, his rejection burning.
He continued, “You’re right. I did you wrong. I should have done more for you without you having to ask. I should have been the first to break your chains. You were not wrong for wanting more out of life than imprisonment.”
“Nikator—”
“I’m a wicked man, princess. I should have been the first to break your chains and instead I … I tightened them and tossed the key. For that, I am truly sorry.”
This time, he didn’t bar his emotions from her, and she could feel the full force of them through the bond. Pain, rage, sadness—all of it was wrapped around one another, mingling and surging. He was speaking the truth; he truly did think he was undeserving of her.
“Nikator, that’s not true. I love you—”
“I never planned on sending you back to Muyang.” He pulled out a folded piece of parchment and held it out to her.
“The plan was to send you away to another country. Vita was going to assist you and get you settled in somewhere. You’d be in hiding for the rest of your life, but that’s the only option, considering you betrayed Muyang.
Even if he wants to forgive you, he can’t.
It’ll ruin his image. Make him look weak. So he has no choice but to kill you.”
Confusion made her eyebrows pull together and she took the paper from him with trembling hands.
It was a note from Vita, outlining the steps he needed to take to get to the border between Huo and Sanguis.
Her heart thundered in her ears, blood rushing.
He was planning on smuggling her out of the country.
“Why—” Her throat tightened and she looked up at him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
He winced. “It’s pathetic of me, but your betrayal hurt.”
Her throat constricted and her mind rewound to all the moments she had flung insults at him for being horrible enough to send her to Muyang, for not doing enough for her—when this entire time, he had been planning on helping her. When he had planned to go against the man he was loyal to. For her.
“Why are you telling me this now?” she whispered. “And why would Vita help me? She doesn’t like me and she … she knows I betrayed Muyang.”
“She’s my sister.” He said it like it was so simple, and yet she could see the strain written all over his face. “She knows you’re important to me, so she was willing to help, even if it means going against what Muyang wants.”
“Nikator, why—” Tears welled in her eyes.
He hadn’t been planning on sending her to the emperor for her execution.
He cared for her. The broken pieces of her heart began stitching back together, but there was a heaviness there that weighed them down to her belly.
“Why are you telling me this now? You should have told me from the beginning.”
“You stayed with me when you didn’t have to. You … deserve to know what will happen next. Where we’ll go. You deserve to have the choice to leave if you want to make your own path. I don’t want you to be a prisoner anymore.”
“Come with me,” she said quietly.
He was already shaking his head. “I told you already; you deserve better.”
“Don’t tell me that!” She balled her hands together and a cool gust of air blew over them. Like nature itself agreed with her. “You don’t get to tell me what I do or don’t deserve. You can’t—you can’t tell me that you’re undeserving of me. I am not a child who can’t see that you’re perfect for me.”
The sad look in his eyes remained. “Princess, you can’t think properly because you’ve been stuck in the same prison for years. When you go out in the world and start living your life, you’ll reframe things and see everything differently. The bond we share is … it’s not healthy.”
“No, no.” Biyu hated his words; how could what they shared be anything but beautiful?
She’d been a prisoner in her home, but she was more than capable of understanding who was good for her and who wasn’t.
She loved him; why couldn’t he simply believe that?
Why didn’t he believe that love could be enough for them?
That they could experience life together and figure things out?
“We can go to Sanguis together. We can … We can be together, Nik. I love you. We can make it work!”
“I’m sorry, but I can’t go with you. I have a place in the palace, and … I know that you need to live, princess. You need to experience things. Your perspective will change with time and you’ll eventually see that this is the right decision.”
“That’s not true!” she snapped, tears welling up.
She tried blinking them away, but the chill of the night only made her eyes sting even more.
“Don’t condescend to me that I don’t know what I want, or that you know better what’s in my heart.
You are my heart, Nik. You are the one I want to be with. ”
“Princess—”
“Stop calling me that!” Her voice turned shrill and she closed the distance between them in three strides.
“You think I don’t understand that you call me by my title because you want to distance yourself from me?
You know that I’m Biyu. Your Biyu. When I’m with you, I’m not a princess of a dead dynasty.
I’m simply Biyu. So call me by my name!”
Nikator opened his mouth to speak, but she could see that his decision was made. He wasn’t going to come with her. He stood by his words. That she didn’t know better than him, that he was too much of a monster for her, and that she would do better without him.
Biyu grabbed the lapel of his tunic and tried shaking him.
“Listen to me! I know what’s in my heart, Nikator, and it’s you.
It’s always been you. And it’s not because—because I had no one else around me.
There were always people around, Nik, but no one is like you.
No one makes me smile like you. No one warms my heart like you.
No one’s presence makes me feel safe like yours does!
I love you. I love you so much that it hurts to think of you.
So please don’t say that I don’t know what love is. I do.”
Nikator touched the side of her face tentatively, his thumb brushing over a stray tear. His shoulders slumped forward and he suddenly looked exhausted. “I hate to see you cry, Biyu.”
“Then come with me. Please.”
He released a weary breath. “I’m sorry, I can’t.”
“Nikator.” A half-sob strangled her and she pounded his chest with closed hands. Her body shook with frustrated tremors. “I don’t want to go to Sanguis without you. Can’t you see that we belong together?”
“And can’t you see that I’m trying to do the best for you?
” He took her chin in his hand and studied her face with a look of longing that pulled on her heart.
He drank in her image like it would be his last. “I promised myself when I left to find you that I wouldn’t be too drawn by you, that I wouldn’t touch you and make you change your mind about betraying me.
But … but I couldn’t hold myself back, and I hate myself for that.
I don’t want to draw out this infatuation you have with me.
I love you, I always have, but you need to live your life without me.
It’s breaking me to have to let you go like this, but I know that this is for the best. Please don’t make this harder. ”
“What can I do to convince you otherwise? That I truly do love you and that this isn’t some stupid infatuation?”
His hands fell to his sides. “I’m sorry, Biyu. We don’t belong together.”
“Be selfish, Nikator, for once!”
His jaw tightened. “I’m being selfish by even being here. When you betrayed me, you knew that you would lose me, so why are you trying so hard to have me now?”
“Because—” She didn’t even know what her thought process had been like, but she had known that their relationship would be ruined once she betrayed him.
He was telling the truth, for sure, but the theoretical didn’t match with reality.
“Because I thought I would be fine without you. But I lived out there for a week without you, and life just seemed so dull. Even though I had gotten the freedom I had wanted, I wasn’t happy with it!
I realized that my happiness was with you.
Those days—those nights, especially—when we were together were some of my happiest moments. I want that again, Nik.”
“I’m sorry, Biyu. I can’t give you what you want, but I’m giving you what you need.”
“Don’t condescend to me! I know what I need, and it’s you!”
He backed away. “I can’t go with you.”
“Nik, please.”
“I’m … I’m sorry.” He turned away, and before she could repeat herself louder—like that would be enough to convince him—he simply walked away.
She sank down to her knees, sobs wracking over her body and her heart cracking further. She loved him. Why couldn’t that be enough? Why did he not believe her?
Burying her face in her hands, she wept and wept.
Maybe this was what she deserved after all.