Chapter 17
So the night isn’t good, and the morning is even worse. I’m still churning with that same angsty energy, but it’s coupled now with guilt.
I never should have let this thing happen with Ben. It’s messed up everything. Destroyed our partnership.
Blown up my entire life.
During morning updates, I’m in such emotional upheaval that I’m snippy in a way I rarely am. I have to apologize afterward.
My people aren’t particularly bothered and easily accept the apology, but it makes me feel worse than ever, like I can’t even function the way I’m supposed to.
The way I have to if I want to lead this fight.
I know it’s coming, so I’m not surprised when Ben corners me afterward, catching me as I’m on my way to walk the perimeter.
“Don’t even say it,” I tell him, trying to keep my voice controlled and thus sounding cold rather than annoyed.
“You don’t got any idea what I’m gonna say.”
“Yes, I do. I’m behaving badly. I’m snapping at people. I’ve been thrown off my game and need to get it together again.”
“No.” He’s giving me that same disapproving frown. The one that makes me feel worse. “That’s not what I’m gonna say.”
Blinking up at him, I ask, “Then what were you going to say?”
His expression softens as he stares down at me. The transformation floods my heart with warmth. “I was gonna say you’ll feel a lot better and be able to act normal if you let me… give you what you need.”
I gulp, hit with a sudden hot flash. “What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean.” He tilts his head down and speaks in a soft, thick drawl. “You need to let me help you feel better.”
My pussy clamps down in excitement at the sound of his voice. “Ben, I told you—”
“I know what you told me. But I’m tellin’ you that your problem right now is that you’re holdin’ out for no reason. What the hell do you think I’m askin’ for here? I’m not lookin’ to offer a life of domestic bliss. We were havin’ a good time fuckin’, so why the hell can’t we keep doin’ it?”
This isn’t what I expected. At all. All the intimacy that developed on our trip was threatening to drown me, and I thought Ben might be wanting to pull me down under the waves all the way. But he’s not.
He’s not.
“You said our fuckin’ couldn’t get in the way of our job here, but look at what’s happening. You not fuckin’ me is what’s gettin’ in the way.”
My body is throbbing now—with growing excitement and desire and need.
Need.
But I fight through it so I can say, “That’s some ego, assuming my mood is because you haven’t given me a good fuck in twenty hours.”
“It’s not ego. I know you better than anyone in the world.
You know I do. And you’re in a bad mood right now because you want to fuck me but you’re trying to compartmentalize that side of you away.
But it doesn’t work like that. The only way you can be who you want to be is to be all of you.
Even the part of you who really wants to fuck me. ”
In a different situation, I might have gotten a good laugh over this particular conversation, but right now I’m fighting lust to a degree I’ve never experienced before. I’m almost shaking with it. I have to clench my hands into fists at my side. “I don’t… I’m afraid it isn’t smart.”
“And I’m tellin’ you it is.” He’s very close to me, but he hasn’t touched me yet. “The smartest thing you can do right now is let me fuck you real good.”
I gulp. “Are you… are you sure?”
He frowns. “Sure about what?”
“Sure that… that that’s all you want?”
Something odd happens to his face. Like a deep tension runs across it briefly and then disperses.
“You think I don’t wanna fuck you, Annabelle?
I spent years dreamin’ ’bout fuckin’ you.
I don’t have ulterior motives or secret sappy fantasies.
I’m not trying to force you into the shape of a person you’ll never be.
I wanna fuck you. What the hell is wrong with that? ”
“Nothing.” It’s like the valve holding back the tempest inside me is opened. I grab his shirt and drag him closer. “Nothing is wrong with that.”
He groans and pushes me against the exterior wall of the building. No one else is around. We’re blocked by the trees on this side. He leans down and claims my mouth, kissing me with a hot urgency that thrills me.
I kiss him back, every bit as eager. He doesn’t have his normal patience, and he has slid his hand inside my pants in less than a minute. He’s only barely found my clit when voices sound from not very far away from us.
We break apart just before Roderick and Vella come into sight around the corner.
“There she is,” Vella says with her normal smile.
I straighten my waistband and hope I don’t look rumpled or overly flushed. “Were you looking for me?”
But inside I’m cursing.
Because now I feel worse than ever.
That evening after dinner as a lot of us are gathered in the courtyard like normal, Ben is giving me looks across the fire.
I know what those looks mean.
And the truth is I’m not entirely opposed.
Maybe he was right earlier.
Maybe it’s my resistance that’s causing all this trouble rather than what felt like deepening intimacy.
I’m sitting on a bench near the front entrance of the building next to Chelle, who has been asking me for advice about dealing with unwanted admirers.
It’s probably as much an opportunity to bond with me as it is needing my counsel, but I don’t mind. Other than the one brief moment of resentment I had when she made a (perfectly understandable) move on Ben, I’ve always liked her.
And I deeply understand her worries about being an attractive woman in rough contexts, wanting to be respected rather than lusted over.
Had Ben accepted her advances, I would probably have felt differently, but he didn’t. I like Chelle, and I’m happy to chat with her.
After about fifteen minutes, we’re interrupted by a man named Gavin who is part of a group that joined us a few days ago. I don’t know him as more than a name, a face, and a particular guard position on the perimeter, but I smile up at him politely when he asks if I’ll talk to him.
He wants to change guard shifts. The one he’s been given starts in the wee hours of the morning, and he prefers a daytime shift.
“I can’t switch you right now. Shifts are assigned by both skill and seniority. You’ve done a good job so far, but so have a lot of others. After you’ve been with us a while, you’ll be able to choose a different shift.”
Gavin looks to be in his thirties with a large build and broad face. A lot of women probably find him attractive, but I don’t care for his blown-up physique, his bland expression, or his thick lips.
“I’m better than the guys you’ve got on the daytime shifts,” Gavin says. There’s a hint of a whine in his tone. One I recognize.
Ben hears it too. He gets up to move closer, remaining in the background of my conversation with Gavin but ready if necessary.
“I don’t doubt you’re good,” I tell him, holding on to my smile. “But as I just said, seniority is also a factor.”
“But—”
“There’s no argument you can make that will change my mind on this.” I’ve not been in a good mood today, but my tone is neither cold nor mean. Just blunt.
But Gavin is the kind of man who probably rarely faces opposition—particularly from a small woman like me. He makes a face that indicates clear resentment.
“If you don’t like our rules, you don’t have to stay,” I add lightly. “I don’t want anyone unhappy to work with us.”
He looks like he wants to argue, but a quick glance at Ben hovering behind him must change his mind.
I hate it. I hate that Ben’s physical strength so often makes the difference in how people treat me.
But the world is what it is. Governments might rise and fall, but some things will never change.
“Fine,” Gavin mutters. “I’ll think about it.” He turns away from me and opens his mouth to say one more thing, this time not quite under his breath. “What an icy b—”
Before he gets out the second word, Ben takes a step forward and slams his fist into the side of Gavin’s face. It’s a powerful blow, and Gavin is completely unprepared for it. He gets knocked all the way off his feet and falls on the ground in a messy sprawl.
Everyone in the courtyard is staring now. Ben glowers down at Gavin. “If you’d finished that word, you might not get up again.”
His gruff tone carries, conveying both the threat and innate power.
I suck in a deep breath, trying to pull myself together. I’m also dizzy in reaction to what just happened, and I can’t even explain why.
“Ben is right,” I say in something close to my normal tone.
“We try to treat people fairly, but you have to respect the chain of command here. You’re not at the top, and you don’t get to talk as if you are.
Again, if you want to leave, no hard feelings.
If you want to stay, there’s also no hard feelings. But don’t do this again.”
Gavin hauls himself to his feet, rubbing at his jaw. There will be an ugly bruise there soon. All he says is, “Got it.”
Twenty minutes later, I’ve left the courtyard on a hunt for Ben.
I can’t find him.
And I need him. I need him right now.
He disappeared shortly after the altercation, but I had to stay for a little while to make sure everyone relaxed back into the normal mood. Gavin skulked away to pout—my guess is he’ll be leaving in the morning—and shortly afterward Ben left the courtyard too.
I thought he might be waiting nearby for me, but he’s not.
Shit. Where the hell did he go?
I walk around the building and then ask Vella if she’s seen him, since she’s hanging out near the front door. She says he went inside, so I do too.
He’s not in the command station. He’s not in the main room. He’s not near the prison cell. He’s not anywhere.
There’s only one place left, so I walk down the back hallway toward the storage room.
“There you are,” I burst out when I see his big body in the small room.
“’Bout time you got here,” he mutters, reaching over my shoulder to close and latch the door behind me.