Chapter 19
Robin knows what he’s doing.
He’s not merely a charming flirt. He’s got a sharp, strategic mind, and it’s evident immediately that he can use it to good purpose. It doesn’t take long for me to recognize he’ll be a formidable ally or enemy, and I’d much rather have him as the former.
Our missions align very closely. What I’ve always assumed were random guerrilla tactics in his history are working toward a more developed rebellion plot, and the reason he wants to help me now is that he’s identified the Arsenal as a natural next step for him.
He wanted to use the captured outpost to launch his own attack, and he’s pleased to hear that’s been my plan all along.
In an odd way, it’s reassuring. I’ve never been one to doubt my purpose or the means I strategize to get there, but it’s still nice to know that Robin has landed on the same plan. It’s a good one. The next necessary step if we’re ever going to make any sort of inroads against the Capitol.
He wants to know when and how I’m planning to attack so he can assist, but I don’t need Ben clearing his throat obsessively behind me to know not to tell him details.
This is real. I’m sure it’s real. But Robin is still an unknown quantity, and I’m not going to trust all our work and my people’s lives in his hands.
Instead, we agree that he’ll set up camp on the far side of the Arsenal, out of sight but close enough to get word when my attack happens. Then his group can be ready to move in from the rear, providing backup and a second line of defense.
Our own plans will still work without him, but our success is much more likely with Robin and his crew on our side.
It’s a good compromise. I’ve offered Robin no specifics he can take back to the Capitol to use against us, but we can still work together when the time comes.
Even Ben, as grumpy as he’s been throughout the meeting, nods when I look over my shoulder to get his agreement.
At the end of our conversation, I ask him about a dog named Bill.
He says he travels through villages as the farm trader who picked us up on the side of the road, and that’s how he met Bill, Teresa, and Mason.
He had some suspicions, and verified them when we showed up in the area as Mother was dying.
Teresa and Mason don’t know who he is, and he’ll never say a word to anyone else about the connection.
It gives him power over me, but if he wanted to use it against me, surely he already would have.
So I’m excited, almost exhilarated when we walk out of the tent. I gesture toward my people stationed around the camp to indicate we’re heading out now.
Our original plan was good—nuanced and careful and sharply creative—but having Robin’s cooperation could make all the difference.
“You’re welcome to stay the night,” Robin says, stepping closer, shifting seamlessly into charming mode from his matter-of-fact efficiency in the tent. “I’d make it worth your while.”
Ben hasn’t said a word the whole time, and he’s still behind me, but I sense tension from him at this offer.
“No, thanks,” I say with a smile, wishing Ben’s vibes weren’t quite so distracting back there.
“Too bad.”
I’m about to reply in kind, just some sort of friendly banter, when Ben moves forward and takes my arm, speaking for the first time since we arrived. “We need to move. It’s getting late.”
Robin’s eyes laugh at him. “I see.”
“You see what?” I ask, since Ben is pretending the other man doesn’t exist.
“Story of my life. Always getting where I want to go just a little too late.”
Ben remains grumpy all evening.
Since I’m usually the prickly, moody one while he’s as steady as a rock, it’s a strange reversal.
As we return to the outpost, get reports, and share news of Robin’s participation, Ben is stiff and silent.
Even over dinner when everyone not on duty relaxes, Ben still feels like he’s bristling beside me.
Occasionally, when someone asks a question of him or makes a teasing comment about his bad mood, he bites out a terse response.
Finally I meet his eyes across the bench we’re sharing in the courtyard and make a subtle inclination of my head toward the building.
When he stares blankly, I make a face at him and jerk my head again.
He knows perfectly well what I mean. We need to have a private conversation, and the only space available for that to happen is the storage room.
We’ve had sex there almost every day, but it’s not sex I have in mind right now.
I’m trying to be patient because everyone is allowed an occasional dark mood, but this isn’t like him, he won’t snap out of it, and it’s getting on my nerves.
I thought initially it was some kind of territorial thing with Robin.
After all, Ben’s always been my second, and Robin’s sudden appearance might feel like a threat.
Not that he could ever be replaced or that I’d consider it for even an instant, but Robin’s personality could easily grate on a man like Ben.
But that should only be a passing thing, and whatever is eating at him right now isn’t passing.
Getting up, I make a casual excuse and walk back into the building, sticking my head into the command station to ask Ryan if all is quiet on the radio. It is, so I head to the back hallway and walk to the storage room, pleased to discover that the hall is quiet and the storage room is empty.
Ben shows up three minutes later, glowering as he steps in and closes the door.
With an impatient wave of my hand, I blurt out, “Tell me now. Do you think I’ve made a mistake?”
Ben blinks, clearly taken aback. “Why would you think—?”
“Because I asked you back at Robin’s camp, and you said yes.
Well, you nodded, but that amounts to the same thing.
If you thought it was a mistake, you should have told me.
Do you think I wouldn’t have listened to you?
I always listen to you. But now things are in motion, and it’s probably too late to—”
Ben’s expression changes as the words come pouring out. It softens. Warms. He moves closer, raising a hand to put two fingers softly on my lips. “Annabelle, stop.”
I stop talking immediately. Then I’m startled and a little annoyed at myself. “Did you just hush me?” I sound and feel utterly astounded.
He lets out a short burst of amusement. “Oh. Yeah. Sorry. But you wouldn’t stop talking, and you’ve got it all wrong.
I don’t think you made a mistake. Of course I don’t.
I don’t like him knowing Teresa, but he’s known long enough to use that knowledge if he wanted.
He hasn’t. And having his group with us could completely change the game. ”
“I know it could. But then what the hell is wrong with you? I’m not about to knock you down a rung and put Robin in your place. You’ve never been insecure about that kind of thing before, so I don’t get why you’d suddenly—”
“You like him,” Ben blurts out, interrupting another ramble from me.
“What—?”
“You like him.” He’s snarling again as if he’s picturing Robin’s face in his head. “I saw it, so don’t deny it. You actually liked that obnoxious, smarmy asshole.”
I stare up at him, trying to make sense of this new development.
“You could’ve stayed the night with him if you wanted,” Ben mutters, his tone changing and his eyes dropping to the floor.
“I didn’t—I didn’t want to!” I reach up to tilt his chin so I can meet his eyes and better read his expression.
“Ben, I didn’t want to spend the night with him.
Of course I didn’t. What is going on here?
You’ve been in a bad mood this whole time, acting like you’re on the verge of knocking heads together—”
“That’s how I feel!” He’s still not loud—Ben is never loud—but his voice is strong and indignant. “How do you think it makes me feel when someone comes on to you right in front of me, and I can’t say a word about it? I can’t stake a claim or—”
“A claim? What am I, propert—?”
“Of course not. You know me better than that. I’m just sayin’. It was fuckin’ hard. To stand there and watch him come on to you and not be able to say a word about it. To not let him know—or let anyone know—you’re already taken. I’m sorry if it pisses you off, but it put me in a bad mood.”
My reaction to this outburst is not the predictable one. Ever since my marriage to Chad, I’ve always resented any sort of claim on me. Any attempt to tie me down or control my actions.
But I’m not resentful right now. I’m not outraged or nervous or angry.
I’m a little bit thrilled. The way I was when Ben made that growly sound back at the camp.
“So you were jealous?” I ask, although I know the answer now. Maybe I’ve known from the very beginning. “That’s what you’re saying. You were jealous.”
“Of course I’m jealous. What the hell did you think this was all about?” In an impressively smooth move, he turns me around so my back is against the wall and leans into me, tilting his head so his mouth is only inches from mine. “I was and still am fuckin’ jealous of that asshole.”
My body has started to pulse, and my cheeks are blazing hot. “I’m not sure he’s really an asshole. Smug, for sure, and he obviously has fun getting on people’s nerves, but I wouldn’t really call him—”
“Are you seriously defending that man to me right now?”
I burst into helpless laughter. “I was trying to have a conversation. You’re the one who looks like he’s about to kiss my brains out.”
He does. He kisses me. And even though it’s not hard or deep, it turns my mind into mush anyway.
When he pulls away, he murmurs, “Listen to me, baby. I’m not tryin’ to tie you down.
I’m never gonna turn you into someone you’re not.
And I get you’re worried about the complications and need to keep things easy and simple between us.
I’m okay with that. I promise. But I’m not okay with feelin’ like any man who passes by might snatch you right outta my hands.
So if you don’t want me to be in an everlastin’ bad mood, could we maybe agree on one small string? ”
I’m smiling up at him, blown away by what he’s saying, what he’s feeling. For me. About me. But I’ve never been one to fold easily, so I say, “That depends on what the string is.”
“Unless things change between us, I’m the only one you fuck.”
He’s out of his mood now. His eyes are smiling, hot, and tender, and his heart is so incredibly warm. But he means what he’s saying. He needs this to feel secure.
“That string sounds good to me as long as the reverse is also true. I don’t want you fucking anyone else either.”
“I thought that was an obvious truth.”
“It won’t hurt for you to say it.”
“I’m not gonna fuck anyone but you.” He’s leaned down to nuzzle my ear, and his voice is soft and hoarse. “I don’t wanna fuck anyone but you. It’s only you for me, baby, and maybe it’s easier for you not to admit it, but you’ve known it for a long time.”
I gulp, a sudden wave of anxiety freezing me even as the words wash over me with deep pleasure.
He sees it. “I’m not askin’ for anything more than this one string. I promise.”
“The string was already there, Ben. You’re it for me too.”
With a guttural sound of relief, he kisses me again. Deeper this time. It lasts a while, pleasure and feeling flooding my body until I’m limp and exhilarated simultaneously.
Eventually we get rid of enough of our clothes that he can lift me against the wall and fuck me that way.
My arms and legs are wrapped around him, and he’s pushing into me hard and fast, muttering about how much he loves to fuck me, how he’s the only one who gets to do it, how he’s the only one who’s allowed to make me feel this way.
Both the motion and the words really do it for me, and I come twice before he finally lets go. He pulls out before he comes. He always does. But he yanks his cock out with the last thread of his control.
Afterward, it feels like he’s given everything. And taken everything.
He keeps holding me up against the wall, his face buried against the crook of my neck as he gasps and shakes.
When he finally lifts his head, I draw it toward me so I can kiss him gently. I don’t know what to say, but I don’t think I need to say anything.
We understand each other. We always have.
“One more thing,” he says thickly. “If that asshole—or any other asshole—says he’s at your service again in that fuckin’ tone, someone’s gonna end up on the ground.”
The glint in his eye makes me spill out in soft laughter. I squeeze him with my arms and my legs.
“You can laugh. I love to see you laugh. But I’m serious. I’m the only one at your service this way.”