Chapter 24
Ben wants to talk about it.
He tries right there by the motor, and then he tries back at the outpost, and then he tries again after we’ve buried Wilson, and then he tries once more when things have settled down in the late afternoon.
I will not speak to him.
I can’t. My emotions are in far too intense a turmoil to shape into coherent words.
Masking my feelings is what I’ve always done, and it holds me in good stead today. I put on a calm, competent act, and I’m convinced no one but Ben knows that something is wrong.
He, on the other hand, is visibly upset. So upset that person after person asks him what’s wrong. I pretend not to notice. Pretend not to be aware of his presence nearby throughout the afternoon.
I don’t think anything through. I don’t make any plans or decisions. I don’t lay out exactly what I want to say to Ben when I’m capable of talking.
I don’t have the mental energy for any of that. Every ounce of my physical and emotional effort is spent attempting to hold myself together.
It’s all I can do.
After dinner, when it’s getting dark, I know Ben won’t be put off any longer. If I don’t talk to him privately, he might actually pick me up and carry me to the storage room.
So after I’ve eaten with the others, I stand up, stretch my back, and then meet his eyes. He’s been lurking restlessly behind me this whole time. I jerk my head slightly in the direction of the building.
He nods and glowers and turns silently to walk inside.
He’s not even trying to give the folks around us an excuse.
“Please go talk to the guy,” Vella says, shaking her head as she looks back at him. “I don’t know what’s gotten into him, but I’ve never seen him so upset.”
“Yeah.” I take a shaky breath. “I’ll go see what’s wrong.”
I know what’s wrong, but for once I’m not the one who caused it.
When I find Ben waiting in the storage room, I expect him to immediately launch into an explanation, but he doesn’t.
He stands in the middle of the floor, stiff and way too big for the small room, and he looks at me.
I close and latch the door. Inhale deeply and blow it out before I turn around to face him.
He’s expecting me to talk, but I don’t. I still have absolutely no idea what to say.
The silence goes on so long that eventually Ben’s features contort with stifled feeling. “I’m sorry. I really am.”
“Are you?” My voice is small and breaks slightly.
“Of course I am. I get why you’re so upset. But I was just tryin’ to—”
His half-finished sentence is the thing that breaks the dam of my emotions. I jerk back abruptly, like he landed a blow, and I bite out, “Don’t you dare try to justify yourself!”
“Annabelle—”
“It was wrong. It was nothing but wrong. You know it was wrong. You know it. So don’t you fucking dare try to justify it.”
He reaches out like he’s going to touch me but drops his hand even before I jerk backward. “You’re right. You’re right. I never should have tried to stop you from fighting.”
His admission blows some of the momentum out of my anger. I hug my arms to my chest and wait for him to continue.
“I didn’t plan it. I didn’t even mean to. It was instinct. You were in danger, and protecting you is what I do.”
“I know that. You know how grateful I am for every time you’ve saved me. But you’ve never done something like that before. You’ve never tried to hold me back from the fight. You’ve never tried to stop me from being me. Even if you wanted to, you should have known I’d never allow it.”
“I did know. I do know. But it’s not as easy as knowing.
” His feelings have been unleashed too, and he’s as passionate as I am.
Louder. Continually having to stop himself from reaching out for me.
“It’s instinct. Bone-deep instinct. To do anything in my power to keep you safe.
I’m gonna try to never do what I did today again.
I know I shouldn’t’ve done it. But you gotta understand that if you’re the woman who always runs into the fight, then I’m the man who’s always gonna keep you safe. ”
“You can’t do it by holding me back!”
“I know.” He rubs his face with both hands vigorously, like he’s trying to clear fog from his head. “I know. I said I’m sorry, and I’ll try not to do it again.”
“And you think that settles it? You think everything is fine now?” I’m gaping at him, still wracked with the pain of what felt like a betrayal.
“No, of course not. I know you’re pissed with me, and you have every right to be. But you’re actin’ like this changes everythin’, and I’m tellin’ you that nothin’ has changed. I’ve always wanted to—”
“But you’ve never done it before!”
The words startle both of us. We stare at each other for several seconds, no sound in the room but our ragged breathing.
“You’ve never done anything like this before,” I manage to get out through the hard lump in my throat.
“It’s only now—now that things have changed between us—that you do something like that.
When you promised me what we have wouldn’t interfere with our mission.
You promised me I could be soft with you but stay strong with the rest of the world.
I went into this whole thing believing you.
Believing I could be with you and still… still be me.”
Despite my best efforts, a few tears have leaked from my eyes to stream down my face.
“And then in the very first fight you hold me down. Literally. You used your strength, and you held me down.”
“Ba—” He stops himself from using the endearment. His expression is openly emotional. There are no tears in his eyes, but I can hear them in his voice. “I’m so sorry. I messed up. I knew it from the beginning, and I can see now how bad it was. That it was a real… a real…”
“Betrayal.”
He nods, his face twisting again like he’s trying to hold on to his control. “I promise I didn’t plan it. I never woulda done it if I’d had time to think. But they were shootin’ at you. For the first time, I almost have everythin’ I’ve ever dreamed of, and I could see all of it bein’ ripped away.”
More tears are falling now. I have to swipe them away. The worst thing is I can feel for him—so deeply.
I know exactly how it feels to almost have everything and then have it torn out of my hands because it’s happening right now to me too.
I sniff a few times and clear my throat. “We agreed from the beginning that we could be together only if it didn’t get in the way of this fight. You’ve always believed in this fight too. It’s always been the most important—”
“No.” His interruption isn’t sharp or angry. Just blunt. “It’s not the same for us. I do believe in this fight. I’ll die for this fight. You know I will.” He makes a weird guttural noise in his throat. “But listen to me. When I die, it’s gonna be shielding you.”
It hurts so much I start shaking. I turn around so I’m not facing him, hugging myself and trying to control the sobs.
I manage to pull myself together, but I don’t turn back around. I can’t. Nothing I can remember has hurt as much as this does.
There’s a reason I’ve always stayed hidden behind my hard, impenetrable shell until I finally let it down with Ben.
This—this right here—is the reason.
“So is it…” His voice breaks, so he starts again. “Is it over then? Is this the end for us?”
“I don’t… I don’t know.”
“Okay.”
He actually sounds relieved, which surprises me so much I turn around.
He doesn’t look happy or hopeful though. He looks as battered and exhausted as I feel. “I let you down. I didn’t mean to. Hurtin’ you is the last thing in the world I’d ever do. But I did it. If you need time, you can have it.”
I nod, relieved that I’m not being forced to make the worst kinds of decisions right now.
“But I’m not givin’ up,” Ben adds.
“What?”
“I’m not givin’ up. I’m gonna be right here—at your side, havin’ your back—waitin’ for you to trust me again.
I’m gonna do better. I’m not gonna hold you back that way again.
Fightin’ the instinct to protect you is gonna be the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
But as hard as it is, I gotta let you be the whole you.
” He gives me a ghost of his old warm, dry smile.
“’Cause it’s always been the whole you that I love. ”