Chapter 28
A few minutes later, when Ben disappears into the building without a word, I follow him there.
He’s waiting for me in the hallway. His face has been tightly stoic all this time, but it cracks as I walk the few steps to reach him.
“Thank you,” I say, my own composure strained by the sight of his suppressed emotion. “I know how hard that was for you. Thank you, Ben. Thank you.”
He went against every one of his instincts to support what I need to do. I could sense the strain in him even when he was showing no feeling at all.
But now it’s all coming out. He starts shaking as he reaches for me. “Please don’t do this, baby. Please don’t make me do this.” He pulls me into a hug so fierce it lifts me off my feet.
I cling to him frantically, like he’s all that’s left in the world.
That’s how it feels. Everything else that has made up my years on this planet have one by one fallen away. And all that’s left here at the end of it is him.
His strong body and warm heart and absolute devotion.
My strong tree with such deep roots.
“I’m so sorry,” I say against his chest. “I’m so, so sorry. There’s nothing else to do.”
“I might be able to think of somethin’. Please give me a chance. How the hell am I gonna let you do this?”
“There isn’t time to think of anything else. It has to be this. We just… we have no time.”
“Then let me walk out there instead of you and—”
“Ben, stop. You know better.” I pull back, still held off the floor by his arms. “It has to be me.”
His face works as he inhales raggedly.
“It’s always been coming to this,” I say, desperate for him to be on board with this the way he’s always been on board before.
“Why do you think I’ve been so scared of loving you?
Why do you think you’ve been digging in your heels so much about my safety lately.
You could feel it too.” When he lets me slide back to my feet, I lift my hands to cup his jaw. “It has always been coming to this.”
His face twists again. He makes a guttural sound akin to a sob. “Vella and Roderick are right. They don’t wanna negotiate. They’re only keepin’ Robin alive as a lure to get you out in the open. They’ll shoot you as soon as you’re in range.”
“Maybe. If they do, they do. But I think there’s a chance they want to capture me rather than kill me, so they can parade me around as a conquered rebel.”
“That’s too slim a chance to bet on.”
“There’s nothing else to do. Do we really have to debate this again, Ben?
You know I’m going to do it.” I swallow over my aching throat and then have to gulp again.
“I’m the one who insisted on saving Vella and her brother in that village six years ago on the day that all of this started.
I’m the one who led us here. That means I’m the one who has to carry this. Please let me.”
I can see the struggle on his face. I feel it in my heart. “I don’t know if I can. I don’t wanna do this, baby.”
“I don’t want to do this either. I want… I wanted a life with you.”
He makes another rough sob, trying to smother it behind his palm. “We’ve had it, baby. We’ve had a life together. And if this is all we get of it, then I don’t regret a single moment. Do you?”
I’m crying for real now. “No. I don’t regret anything. Just promise me that, if I don’t make it past today, you’ll keep the fight going. Do it for me.”
“I will. We will. No one is gonna forget.”
When my sobs become helpless, Ben pulls me back into a hug, holding me as I shake until all my shaking is done.
We’re both in control and silent when we finally pull apart. We stare at each other for a few moments.
“Okay,” I say at last. “It’s time. I’m doing this.”
“And I got your back.” With a featherlight touch, he brushes a few strands of hair back from my face. “Right till the end.”
We’ve stalled as long as we can to give any of our people time to return to help. Ryan has been on the radio this whole time, providing updates and instructions.
I don’t know how many will return. They accomplished their mission and were on their way to anonymous safety. Turning around to save a group of allies they barely know will be a hard sell. But some of our people will return.
I’m sure at least some will come back.
The guard units have been slowly advancing toward the Arsenal with the man carrying the parley flag at the front, so when I step out onto the road, they’re visible with the naked eye. In only a minute or two of walking, I’ll be in range of their weapons.
Ben wanted to walk with me, but I wouldn’t let him. It would only put two of us at risk instead of one. There’s nothing he can do to save my life out here. I’ll be entirely vulnerable.
That’s always been the point.
I have no idea how long it takes to take the first steps. I’m not aware of anyone or anything else as I set down one foot after another. I’m chilled but not trembling. My body and my mind are mostly numb.
The world has gone quiet, and the sky is gray. As gray as the flag flying down the road in the distance.
I’ve been shot before. Multiple times. I’ve got scars all over my body to prove it. But I’ve never been shot in the chest. Or the head.
I wonder how long it will hurt before I can’t feel anything at all.
I wish I could have gotten the chance to say goodbye to Teresa, Mason, and their children. I wish I could have thrown Bill his ball one last time. But they’ll know what I did and why I did it. They’ll know it came from love.
I wonder how long Ben will grieve me. If he’ll ever find another woman.
He was made to be a husband. He should have gotten the chance.
I wonder if my dad would have been proud of me.
Not long now.
Maybe they’ll shoot me before I even get close.
At least that way it will be over quick.
They don’t shoot me as soon as I’m in range.
And they don’t shoot me when I get closer.
They haven’t shot me even when I can see the face clearly of the man holding the flag.
He looks to be around forty. Nondescript with a receding hairline. Just behind him are two guards training their weapons on me.
My hands are up. I’m making no sudden moves. The longer I can stretch out this diversion, the better.
When I’m standing in front of him, the man with the flag says, “We are taking you into custody for treason against the Central Cities.”
Ben, Vella, and Roderick were right. There was no chance guards of the Central Cities would ever honor the flag of parley. But at least their aim is an arrest rather than an immediate execution.
“Okay,” I say, somehow managing a dry smile. “Sounds good to me.”
That takes the guards by surprise. They stare at me suspiciously as I extend my wrists for them to handcuff.
One of the guards lowers his gun as he approaches me.
It’s the other guard who gives an awkward jerk before he slumps to the ground. Then the one with the cuffs falls too. Then the one holding the flag.
Ben. He climbed a tree beside the road with his rifle to get the best position for shooting.
The guards farther back start to fire in response, but they’re attacked from either side.
Maybe it’s only Vella, Roderick, and the others who were left at the Arsenal, but it feels like it’s a lot of gunfire.
It feels like it’s an army swooping down on the troops.
I pull my pistol from my holster and start running off the road where I might get some cover, but I don’t get far.
The impact of the bullet hits me before the pain. I jerk to the side, still moving forward from the momentum of my run. I end up falling face-first on the side of the road, a weird, deep, sharp ache pulsing out from the upper right side of my chest.
Of course. What else? I was shot after all.
Just on the verge of getting to cover.
Typical.
The wound hurts like hell and is bleeding all over me and the road. I try to lift myself back to my feet but don’t have the strength.
Then I’m aware of a familiar presence. Tense and bristly and urgent. Standing above me. Shooting in a frenzy.
Ben.
Why the hell did he come down from the tree? He was safe there.
I want him safe. I want that more than anything else in the world.
I make a whimper of objection, but the small sound is lost in the chaos. There’s gunfire everywhere. Ben is still standing over me, right out in the open, turning and turning as he shoots in all directions.
Trying to keep anyone else from getting to me.
Taking on the entire world to do it.
He’s going to end up on the ground right beside me. We’ll both die together.
Maybe that’s the way it was always supposed to be.
I’m having trouble seeing, so I blink through the sweat and blood dripping from my forehead. I don’t know why I’m bleeding there. Maybe I scratched my face in the fall.
I’m looking in the opposite direction from where Ben is pointed right now, and I see the guard aiming at him from farther down the road. I’ve still got my pistol in my hand. I might as well use it.
It takes all the effort I possess to raise the gun and pull the trigger.
The guard falls.
There.
I saved him.
At least for right now.
That’s all I’m capable of doing anymore. The world is no longer lit by that narrow, stark beam of reality. Even that light is darkening into blackness.
Oh well.
At least now the fight is over.
I’m so tired all I can do is close my eyes.
I’m not dead.
That’s my first conscious thought.
I should be dead. My body hurts like I’m dying. When I blacked out earlier, I was sure it was the end. But now I’m conscious again.
And someone is shouting at me.
Maybe it’s not a shout, but it sure feels like it to me.
“Annabelle! Annabelle, baby! Wake the hell up! Don’t you dare be dead!”
Ben. My poor love. He’s so upset.
I fight to clear the shadows from my head and push back the pain enough to think.
“Annabelle, don’t you fuckin’ do this to me!”
“You don’t have to be mean about it,” I manage to mumble.
He makes a sobbing sound. He lowers his head to the crook of my neck.
I realize I’m still lying on the road, and he’s kneeling on the pavement beside me.
“How am I still alive?” I ask, finally able to pry open my eyelids to blink into the morning light.
“I dunno, baby. It’s a goddamn miracle. But you’ve made it this far, so I’m not gonna let you die.”
“I’m not sure we have a choice. I’m shot real bad.”
“I know you are. We’re gonna get you help. Robin has a medic on his crew. He said she’s the best there is. We just gotta get you up and outta here before more troops come.”
“What happened to the ones here?”
Ben is lifting me up now, and I cry out at the slice of pain from the change in position. But I’m up in his arms before I realize it’s happening. “We got ’em all. Everyone came back to help, and Robin’s crew rallied. We took all of ’em out.”
“Oh. Wow. They all came back. I wish I could’ve seen it.” My voice is way too weak. The small surge of energy I summoned to wake up is fading. I don’t think I’m going to make it through the next hour, but at least I got to hear the end.
Ben made it. A lot of us made it. If anyone else didn’t, I’ll be gone before I hear the bad news.
“Don’t give up, baby. We’re gonna get you through this. I’m gonna get you to the truck. The medic is waiting to treat you there. Then we’ll get away and be okay.”
“I… I don’t think so. But I love you.”
“I love you too, but stop sounding so glum. You’re gonna make it.” He adjusts his hold on me so he’s cradling me more securely. Then he strides quickly down the road.
I’m trying to keep my eyes open because I’m starting to see other people. A lot of them. Gathered between us and the truck.
My people. My friends.
A glint of gold hair clues me to Robin being the first one we reach.
He’s wounded too, and his face is smeared with dirt and blood.
But he’s standing. He meets my eyes as Ben carries me closer.
Then he gives me a dry twitch of a smile as he raises the automatic rifle he’s holding, extending it in a silent salute.
The rest of his crew is with him. I don’t know all their names yet. They all make the same salute as Ben carries me past them.
Then Roderick does it too, hefting up his rifle, his expression utterly sober. Then everyone else does the same. Jim and Carlos. Chelle. Ryan. Sasha. Heidi and Jon. Face after face I know and love.
I recognize the truth. They all know I’m going to die, and this is their goodbye.
And it’s okay. It really is. Seven years ago, when I fled my marriage and the Capitol with Ben, I told Teresa I wanted to do something. Something important. Something that might make the world better.
And I’ve done it. Not alone—never alone—but I’ve done it.
And I’ve found friendship and loyalty and laughter and love along the way.
“Don’t you dare give up,” Ben mutters. “We’re almost there.”
He’s putting a lot of faith in the skills of a medic against a bullet to the chest, but I guess it’s worth a try.
Vella is standing at the end of the row of our people, openly crying as she raises her pistol.
I mouth out “Thank you” to her before Ben takes me to the open door of the truck and gently sets me inside.
The motion hurts so much—so deeply—that I black out again.