Chapter Six
Lauren
Providence, Rhode Island
2024
“T his is a bad idea,” I say weakly as a tsunami of emotions rises within me. I wish I could say I don’t remember the last time a man held me like this, but I do. I was twenty years old and so damn in love I couldn’t see the man I’d chosen wanted to change everything about me.
I’ve had sex a few times over the years, but always at hotels and I never stayed the night. I’m human and wanting sex isn’t something I consider shameful. But being held on the lap of a man? It’s a different layer of intimacy and something I wouldn’t have tolerated from any of the men I’ve been with over the years.
I struggle to remain detached even as my insides begin to cascade. This is wrong for so many reasons. Pete is in a vulnerable position and under the influence of some chemical bond to me. We just met. Whatever closeness we feel is a fabrication. I should be calling Hugh instead of allowing him to become more attached to me.
So, why am I not ordering him to let me up?
Why am I shaking like a puppy left outside in the rain?
I could claim I have a thing for men in uniform, but like Pete said, this isn’t a sexual hug—despite his erection. His muscular arms are wrapped around me and the only reason I’m not tucked against the medals on his jacket is because of my rigid, upright position. What is it about being cocooned in the protective strength of this man that has me crumbling on the inside?
His voice is gentle when he says, “If I said I can feel your emotions, would you believe that’s possible?”
I let out a shaky breath. “It’s a side effect of the bond. All the men who’ve returned are capable of connecting on some mental level with the woman who brought them back and in some cases others.”
“So, what I’m feeling is real?”
“Since I don’t know what you’re feeling I can’t say for sure, but potentially, yes.”
He dips his head closer to mine and my breath catches. There’s so much kindness and patience in his eyes. “It doesn’t go both ways? You can’t feel what I am feeling?”
When I don’t immediately answer, he continues, “You can, but you’re not allowing yourself to. You’re afraid you might start to care for me and I’ll hurt you when I leave just like the father of your children did.”
My hands fist at my sides. “I have a wonderful life. I prefer to be alone.”
“You’ve told yourself that so many times you almost believe it.”
I glare at him. Get out of my head.
His eyes round. “You just spoke in my thoughts. We can do that?”
I’m so out of my depth. Why did I think I could do this? I thought I could help these men, but all I’m doing is making things worse for them. I need to call Hugh before...
Stop beating yourself up, Lauren. I’m a grown man. I’ll admit I don’t fully understand what’s going on yet, but I know how lucky I am that you’re the one who woke me. You want nothing from me. Do you know how refreshing that is?
I shake my head. I’m older. I should be wiser than this.
Without speaking he whispers in my mind, If it helps, technically, I’m twice your age.
A smile curls one side of my mouth, but I don’t give in to it. It doesn’t, but thank you.
“Lauren,” he says aloud. “I won’t leave you.”
I clear my throat. “You will because my goal is to free you from being bonded to me. It may take some time, but this was engineered by someone, which means it can be reversed.”
“Is that what you want?”
I look down. “It’s the right thing to do. ”
“For you or for me?”
It’s not only an uncomfortable question because I don’t have a quick answer to it, but also because I know he knows I don’t. “You deserve to be free to fall in love with someone your age or to stay single if that’s your choice. I’m too old, too jaded...”
“So, your goal is that I stop thinking you’re the most beautiful woman, inside and out, that I’ve ever met?”
“Yes,” I whisper even as I flush with pleasure because I can feel how attracted he is to me. And me? I want to say I can’t be attracted to a younger man, but he has a strong jaw, stunning eyes, and the toned body of a soldier at his peak fitness level. There’s nothing not to like and it’s way too easy to imagine ripping off his uniform and kissing my way down his wide chest, over his hard, flat stomach and lower...
Easy there. He chuckles. It’s been a long time for me and I’m trying to be a gentleman.
I blush like I haven’t in years. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’m fighting similar thoughts.” He shares one with me. We’re naked. My legs are wrapped around his waist and he’s lowering me onto his cock. My sex throbs in response. “But we don’t want that, right?”
Mouth dry, I swallow before nodding. “Right. That’s what we’re not going to do.”
“Lauren?”
“Yes.”
“What if there is a possible outcome for us that you haven’t considered?”
“Such as?”
“What if we were meant to help each other? What if we could spend time together, get to know each other, and even if things don’t work out, be better off because we did?”
I don’t have words to express how intimately I feel connected to him in that moment. “I’m not totally opposed to the idea of us having sex.”
He laughs and it’s so damn hot I bite my bottom lip. “How about, we start with a real hug? One where you look less like someone who was just kidnapped off the street and forced to sit on me?”
Sex would be easier for me.
I know. And that’s why it would mean less. Trust me, Lauren. Let me hold you.
I hate how much I want him to.
He kisses the side of my forehead and speaks in my head. You didn’t let yourself cry when he left you because you thought you needed to be strong for your babies. You didn’t let yourself cry later, because you were giving everything in you to them and to your job. What would happen if you finally let yourself cry now? What are you afraid of?
I cover my face with my hands. He sees too much. I’ve never felt so vulnerable and exposed. In a low voice, I say, “I survived by continuing on. I put one foot in front of the other and forced myself to keep going. People think I’m strong, but I’m not. If I let myself start to fall apart... ”
He hauls me against his chest and tucks me beneath his chin. “You can be afraid and be strong. Sometimes letting yourself break a little is the only way to heal.”
Those weren’t just words he was saying to make me feel better. He let me in and walked me through how joining Inkwell had changed him. And he didn’t hold back. He let me see his initial innocence and how fear was something he’d wrestled with while undergoing the injections. I felt the dread he had each time more men didn’t survive and the guilt that filled him each time he did.
Within the safety of his embrace, he showed me times he was proud of a mission they’d completed and times when he was sickened by the role he’d played in some. He thought he was saving the world. He didn’t know he was nothing more than a pawn.
And finally, he let me see how his bond to me is the only thing that makes sense to him right now. He’s struggling with what he’s done and all he’s lost. He doesn’t know if he’s human anymore and isn’t sure that the world wouldn’t be better off if none of them were brought back.
I hug him tightly when he shares that last thought and think, You wouldn’t be here if you weren’t meant to be.
He kisses the top of my head. You don’t believe in fate.
I don’t know what I believe anymore.
I bet we could figure it out... if you let me in.
“I don’t—”
“I just showed you me at my best and worst. Do you respect me less because of it?”
“No.”
“Then show me.”
It’s not easy to. To let him in, I have to reopen memories I sealed shut for decades. I find the day the twins were born. Kevin and I had talked about marrying when they arrived. It was supposed to be a beautiful day. I hadn’t expected an ultimatum. To be a family, I would have had to give up my dreams of being a doctor.
I told him I couldn’t do that.
Kevin said I made my choice when I got pregnant. Like it was my fault and not something he’d been involved in.
And what if I don’t leave school? What if I don’t want to stay home?
Then we’re done. I know what I want and if you’re selfish enough to put your needs above those of your children, then you’re not the woman I thought you were.
Just like that?
Just like that.
You said you loved me.
That was when I thought you were someone I could love...
Pete’s arms tighten around me. “He was wrong. There is nothing selfish about wanting to save lives.”
“I know.”
He tips my chin upward so I’m forced to meet his gaze. “You know you can’t lie to me. He did you a favor by leaving. You would have been miserable if you stayed and tried to make him happy.”
Tears silently begin to run down my cheeks. “He found another woman, married her, had children with her. We don’t exist to him. His wife doesn’t know he has children outside of their marriage.”
“You hurt not just for yourself, but for your babies.”
I nod and bury my face in his chest. I’m holding back a sob, but just barely.
He rocks me back and forth. “You’re not alone now, Lauren. I’m here and I care. That bastard has held you back for too long. Cry for what he did to you and your children. Let it out. And then let him go.”
I punch Pete in the arm right before I give myself over to a long, ugly cry. And, damn, it feels good. When I finally catch my breath, he offers me a handkerchief, and I blow my nose. I’m exhausted but also somehow lighter.
“I didn’t have crying on the lap of a super soldier on my bingo card for 2024 but thank you.”
“I’m not sure what that means, but you’re welcome.” He lifts me into his arms and carries me to my bedroom. I don’t even protest.
He lowers me to my feet, lifts the shirt I threw on over my nightgown, then removes my sweatpants. Without breaking eye contact, he steps out of his shoes and strips off his jacket and dress shirt. I hold my breath, unsure of how far this is going.
In a move that feels like it’s out of a movie, he sweeps me up like I weigh nothing, tucks me beneath the blankets, then joins me. He slides an arm beneath me, pulls me to his chest, and wraps himself around me from behind. “Relax, Lauren. All I want to do is hold you.”
This isn’t how I act. I’m not overly emotional; I’m the one who always claims the caretaker role. I melt against him, loving that his arm is under my head like a pillow and murmur, “Of course you want to spoon.”
“Why do you say that?” Then he laughs. “Oh, yes, because I’m a spoon. Cute.” He kisses the side of my neck.
I settle closer to him and allow myself to bask in the feeling of being with someone who cares about me. Okay, so maybe this isn’t real. Everything we feel for each other might fade away, but it’s here now, and it feels too good to deny.
Now that’s a thought I can endorse , he whispers in my thoughts.
I yawn. Stop reading my mind.
He chuckles. Go to sleep, Lauren. I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be a big day. You have two more pieces of silverware to wake, and I have to figure out how to be okay with that.
I lay there, suddenly wide awake, listening to his breathing deepen. Any control I imagined I had over this situation is gone. I never called Hugh and, even if it was just for a few minutes, I completely forgot about the other utensils.
What’s happening to me?