Chapter 18
eighteen
JONAH
Bigger Than the Whole Sky - Taylor Swift
Each one of those five words struck me right in the centre of my chest, leaving me winded.
“What?” My fingers gripped at the counter, trying to find the strength to stand.
“My ex,” she said. “We had a kid together.”
I searched her face for answers to the questions racing around my head. All I found was a stony resolve, a wall she’d built to protect herself.
With a deep breath, I tried to help her take it down. Brick by brick. “When? I mean…you’ve never mentioned them?” I asked, almost stuttering for a clear response. Did she think that already having a kid was a dealbreaker? “How old? You know, I’m great with kids, it’s not a prob—”
“That’s not how it is.” She shook her head. “She stays with her father. I don’t have contact. Having another…it’s not an option.”
My brows crumpled together, trying to solve the puzzle. That wasn’t the Kit I knew, who gave up without a fight.
“How?” I asked.
Her bottom lip wobbled, and I fought the urge to scoop her up in my arms again, to hold her close and tell her everything was going to be okay. Instead, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
“I was young, barely eighteen, when I found out I was pregnant,” she started. “My career, Jonah, it was everything to me. I’d left home; I was building a life for myself. My parents, we barely talked. I was all on my own. And then I was knocked up.”
Kit paused, her hand clenching into a fist. Her voice cracked.
“He made it seem like it would be okay. That he would make sure it was. He was much older than me, and I think he’d always wanted a child.
I was a stupid girl in love who believed him.
So, we kept it a secret from everyone. I took a sabbatical from work, told everyone I was going to rehab and instead went to Switzerland, and he took her. ” She stopped, her body almost shaking.
I wanted to touch her, to hold her, but I sensed that wasn’t what she needed. This wasn’t a fresh wound but one she’d been healing from for a long time. She’d been holding in this secret for years.
Instead, without a single word, I grabbed a glass from the cupboard and poured some water from the tap. It gave us both some time, a break from her confession.
With my back turned, she continued. “I signed everything he gave me, and he made it seem like I’d never gone away.”
I couldn’t help it anymore, couldn’t hold it back. “Kit, that’s—”
“I want you to know that I regret it. I made a fucking mistake, and I didn’t realize it until it was too late.
He stopped letting me see her, kept making excuses until he stopped even picking up the phone.
I spoke to solicitors, and they all told me the same thing.
” She grew more frantic with every word, her voice louder and gaining speed.
“I’d given him all my power. If I wanted to fight him, it would be in open court.
Very public, very messy. The press would have a field day.
My career would be in tatters if it got out, and no judge in their right mind would give me custody. Not with my reputation.”
Reputation? “What do you mean?”
She laughed, a small uncertain noise, before sucking down a breath. “You really didn’t Google me, did you?”
“I don’t need to,” I insisted. She’d made me promise, and I’d made sure to keep it. “I know you.”
“You know me here. You know what I’ve let you see,” she said.
“I’m a mess. I got kicked off set before I came here.
My life…I travel, I work, I party. Where in the hell is there time for a kid?
Meanwhile, he’s retired, practically a stay-at-home dad to raise her.
He’s everything I wasn’t.” Her voice began to crack again, looking on the edge of breaking down right there in front of me.
Instead of responding, I raised the glass towards her, trying to get her to take a break, trying to regulate her. She took it from me, sending a thankful glance as she took the tiniest sip.
Meanwhile, I didn’t know what to think. Instead, I felt…
broken by her words, by her experience. I couldn’t imagine it, couldn’t put myself in her shoes and feel this one out.
This was her wound, her trauma, and I had to be there, be an understanding ear.
That’s all I could be for her, and it fucking sucked.
I moved, easing myself around the table to her side. I needed to touch her, ground myself to her, and offer some comfort. My hand was soothing on her back, rubbing circles as she leaned into the welcome touch.
“It’s okay,” I tried to say, but the coldness that passed through her blue eyes told me it was anything but.
“I made a fucking mess. It stains everything,” she said. “He won’t even let me speak to her without threatening the press or talking to his solicitor. I want to send my daughter a goddamn Christmas present, and I can’t.”
Daughter. Every piece of information hurt, like it tainted the life I’d briefly imagined for us.
I’d only wanted her, thought it would be simple, and the worst thing was I knew she was right to play it all out.
Because, after all, that’s where we’d end up.
The travel and never being home. The lifestyles that didn’t match up.
Whether we wanted kids. And I truly wanted to change that about myself.
I’d known when I was with my nephews, watching them growing up, that I wanted that in my life.
Closing the door on a future family was difficult – but shutting it on Kit felt harder.
“I don’t think I can do it again,” she said. “I don’t…I don’t want to replace her, you know? I have this fear that one day she’ll come looking for me, and if I’ve got all these goddamn other children, she’ll wonder why I couldn’t do it for her. Why couldn’t I be her mum too.”
“I’m sorry that happened, Kit.” I couldn’t help it any longer; I pulled her body against mine. She fell easily, her arms tight around my chest as if this is what she needed all along. “You were a kid. It’s not your fault.”
We stayed like that for a while, Kit pressed against me, clinging for dear life, while I held her close, kissing the top of her head, telling her she was safe, that she was okay.
We both knew. We couldn’t keep this going after she went home. It would be over.
Wasn’t it better to be broken sooner rather than later? To stop us both spending years together, building a life, only for it to fall apart in the end? For us to grow to resent each other, even if I couldn’t imagine ever feeling anything but affection towards her.
It is better, right? Isn’t it?