Chapter Seven
Zara
After my first day at work, I slept better than I had in years. Javier ran a tight ship and used his guides to the fullest, but that wasn’t what had knocked me out cold.
It was spending the day in the sunshine, my feet planted in soil that held nothing but good memories. It was smiling until my cheeks ached, getting nuzzled by gorgeous horses, and feeling like I was exactly where I was meant to be. It was peace, heavy and warm, settling into my bones.
My second day was just as good. I joined another guide, Henrik from Germany, to lead guests on a hike and rock climbing. It reminded me of when Cormac would take me out to his favorite scrambles, him standing on the ground, yelling directions at me as I climbed my way up.
“To the right, Z. Keep your foot where it is and reach out with your right hand.”
I hugged the face of the boulder, every instinct telling me to get my butt back on the ground. “I don’t think I can.”
“You can. I’ve done it a hundred times. Do you really think there’s something I can do you can’t?” he called.
I squeezed my eyes shut. “You’re manipulating me.”
“Maybe. Is it working?”
I bit back a smile. “It might be.”
“Do it, Zara. Trust me, all right?”
I slowly exhaled and nodded, reaching out my right hand. “I trust you, Maccie.”
I’d trusted him so much, I was sure he would have caught me if I’d fallen. For a long time, he had. Even from a distance, he’d been there, arms wide open.
When my mom got sick, he was the only one I wanted to talk to.
He came to visit after her surgery and held me while I cried out all my worries—worries I’d hidden from my dad and Zane. They’d already had more than enough to bear. But never Cormac. And he’d never made me feel like I was a burden.
Cormac had been a once-in-a-lifetime kind of friend.
I wasn’t so sure I’d been a great friend to him, though. If I had, he wouldn’t have said those things about me.
I’d just finished my third day of work, and exhaustion was seeping into my bones. The good kind where I was melting into my couch with my feet kicked up, eating a sandwich, talking to my brother on the phone.
“Ready to come home?” he deadpanned.
I laughed. “Not even close.”
He sighed. “I was afraid you’d say that. They’re going to get to keep you, aren’t they?”
“I told you, this is just for the summer.” I was trying not to think about the end, though—especially since it had just started. “By then, I’m sure I’ll be longing for fluorescent lights and my computer screen.”
He snorted. “Has anyone ever truly longed for either of those things?”
“I’m sure someone has.”
I shoved my sandwich into my mouth while Zane told me about a cantankerous patient he’d been dealing with this week. Then he waxed poetic about Steven’s lifting gains at the gym.
“It still boggles my mind you married a gym bro.”
“Well…he’s hot—and he lets me watch him pump iron. What’s there to complain about?”
“As long as he doesn’t try to get you to join.”
He gasped. “Steven would never. I would never. We’re both perfectly happy with me trotting around on the treadmill every once in a while.”
“Oh, is that what you call running three marathons last year—trotting?”
“That was just for fun.” He chuckled softly. “You sound happier than I’ve heard you in a long time.”
“I really am.” I slouched farther down on the cushions. “It’s only been a few days, but I know I made the right choice coming here.”
“As much as I protest, I think you did too.” He hesitated, then asked, “And Cormac…what’s that situation like?”
I groaned. “I don’t know. Being here makes me miss him. Then I remember what I heard him say to Jackson…and how he was in college.”
“Right.”
“But we were such good friends…” I said quietly. “All the memories are flooding back. He was so good to me, Zane. I really thought we’d be best friends for life. Remember when he flew out after Mom’s surgery?”
I fell against his chest—fell and fell and fell until he wrapped his long arms around me, stopping me from hitting the ground.
“You’re shaking,” he murmured, nuzzling my hair.
I tried to shove myself beneath his skin. “I needed you so badly, Maccie.”
“I’m here. I’ve got you.”
I shook my head against his chest. “My dad was crying this morning. He was holding my mom’s hand, sobbing his guts out. He doesn’t—I didn’t even know he could cry like that. That can’t be good, right? That has to mean something.”
“I think it just means he loves her and hates seeing her in pain.” He held me tighter. “I think it means he’s scared.”
“I’m scared too.” A shiver ran through me, making me lean into him even harder. “It’s less now that you’re here.”
“Nowhere else I’d rather be,” he whispered.
“Of course. You were pretending to be a little badass about it all. Then that boy showed up, and you fell apart, and he caught you.” Zane sniffed. “I’d kinda thought there was something there…”
“It wasn’t like that.”
Once upon a time, I’d thought it might become like that.
When we were thirteen and fifteen, fourteen and sixteen, fifteen and seventeen, the two years between us had seemed like a lifetime.
But in my dreamy teenage mind, I’d imagined one day our age difference wouldn’t matter.
Then my mom got sick, and all my hopes narrowed to one thing: her getting well.
“Mmmhmm. Try to work on sounding more convincing next time,” Zane teased.
I laughed. “Really. Cormac was a really great friend. Being here is making me face some things I haven’t had to, though, and I’m wondering if it was me who screwed us up. I leaned on him a lot—probably too much.”
He pulled in a breath through his teeth. “If that’s what made him act like a jackass, good riddance.”
“I’m not saying it is. I’m saying I don’t know. I feel like maybe I was the jackass for never asking him what happened.”
“You had a lot going on.”
“I did, but…I think I made a mistake letting our friendship die without even putting up a little fight.”
Cormac had been starting his junior year at Savage U when I arrived on campus. He had a whole life and friend group, and even though he’d seemed happy to see me and had welcomed me with open arms, I’d wanted to establish my own life too.
Then, Jackson happened.
He’d found me, caught me, kept me, and I hadn’t objected to any of it. I’d gotten so swept up in him. Before I knew it, Cormac would barely look at me, and Jackson had become the center of everything.
Cormac and Jackson being roommates that first year had only rubbed salt in the wound. I’d started hanging out at their place regularly, and Cormac had made himself scarce. I’d noticed—how could I not have?—but I didn’t do or say anything about it.
Seeing where I’d gone wrong was easy.
I’d chosen a new and exciting boy over all my plans for myself and a friendship that had meant the world to me.
“Huh.”
“What was that?” Zane asked. “It sounded like a honk.”
“No.” I rubbed the center of my forehead. “That was me realizing what a craptastic friend I was in college.”
“Hmm.”
I sat up. “What was that sound?”
“Oh, nothing,” he replied airily.
“Okay…but normally if I say something bad about myself, you argue with me.”
“Only if you’re wrong.”
Silence stretched thick between us.
“Zane…” I whispered.
“Zara,” he sighed. “I wasn’t a fan of who you were with Jackson. You turned into a trad-wife zombie. Everything became ‘Jackson says.’ It made me wonder if there was anything left that was just you. I’d thought I’d lost you.”
My chest ached, and I blinked my burning eyes a few times. This didn’t feel good to hear, but I needed it. I never wanted to become that person again.
“I’d thought I’d lost myself too.”
“And look at you now,” he said gently, “being the most Zara you can be. Seeing yourself now, can you even imagine the Zara you were a year ago?”
“She’d be so jealous.”
“Hell yes she would. You’re doing this thing, baby, and I know you’re going to be just fine.”
“You think?”
He sighed. “Didn’t you hear me? I said I know. Trust me. I’m your big brother.”
We hung up, and I sat in the quiet, fresh air drifting through the open window. My muscles were sore, my heart felt tender and raw, but underneath it all, a fresh, green bud was breaking free.
I wasn’t quite found, but I wasn’t lost anymore either.
And maybe some things didn’t have to stay broken simply because too much time had passed.