Chapter 17
Chapter Seventeen
Zara
I hadn’t planned on asking him that. Long ago, I’d decided to let it be the punctuation at the bitter end of our friendship.
But that was before spending time with Cormac these last few weeks and finding out he was still the same guy he used to be.
So sweet and tender, funny and kind. He’d bend over backward without a second thought.
Even after everything, he’d dropped everything to help me last weekend. Last night. Today.
I didn’t know how to reconcile the things I’d overheard him saying with the man in front of me.
And from his befuddled expression, he didn’t understand what I was asking.
“I was there that night. Outside.” My heart thudded, and I pressed my hand against my chest. When that didn’t work, when it seemed like it was trying to beat its way out, I stacked my other hand on top.
“I couldn’t sleep, and I was having doubts.
Cold feet, I guess. I snuck out of my parents’ house and ran to the house Jackson was staying at with his brothers.
I thought if I saw him, he’d remind me why we were getting married.
He’d calm my nerves, hold me for a while, and I’d be okay.
When I got there, he was out on the porch with Randall and Owen, so I… well, I eavesdropped.”
As I spoke, the pinched muscles in Cormac’s face went slack little by little until understanding struck. Then he jolted like he’d been shocked, his body folding in on itself, chin dropping to his chest.
“He’d texted, asking me to come over for a drink.” He rubbed his cheek, eyes sliding to the side to stare blankly out the window. “They were drunk when I got there, reminiscing about college.”
“When I showed up, you were telling him you were concerned about him. You were trying to talk him out of marrying me, Mac.”
It still hurt. Even if, in hindsight, it would have been a favor if Jackson had listened to him—if he’d stood me up at the altar instead of saying vows he hadn’t meant to keep.
Cormac’s brow furrowed. “I don’t remember the conversation exactly, but I think I said how things were going to be different now, with you two getting married. The brothers thought that was funny. Jackson seemed to think you’d give him free rein, just like in college. He—”
He stopped himself, his worried gaze dragging up to mine.
“Just tell me all of it.”
“It’s not nice,” he said carefully, eyeing me like a wounded bird.
“I need to know.” My hands were balled tight, nails digging into my palms. “I have to, Mac. Say it.”
He tipped his head back, taking a great, deep breath. When he spoke, his words were measured and slow, each one intentional, to cause the least amount of damage. Because that was who he was. That was Mac.
Something I’d let myself forget because it was easier that way.
“I don’t know what he got up to in college. Not anything concrete, at least. There were rumors, but I’d never seen anything myself. If I had, if I’d had any sort of evidence, I would have told you, even if you would’ve hated me after.”
My nails dug in harder. “He was cheating?”
His throat bobbed as he swallowed hard. “It’s what I heard. I don’t know for sure, Zara. You know what it was like on that campus. Word traveled and got distorted. I can’t say with confidence he did the things they said, but it wouldn’t surprise me.”
“Okay.” I nodded, blinking back tears. That shouldn’t have been such a sharp jab to the gut.
Jackson and I were long over. I’d come to terms with him not being a good man.
But…I thought…well, I really hadn’t known.
I’d never guessed. I should have. In retrospect, I should have seen it.
“I feel pretty dumb for having no idea. He did a lot of things I didn’t like, but I never thought that was one of them. ”
“It might have only been rumors,” he said softly.
I shuddered, looking up at him. “But it probably wasn’t. And the night before our wedding, he was bragging to you and his brothers about continuing his college ways?”
“Basically, yeah.” He dragged his fingers through the side of his hair, tucking a lock behind his ear.
“I tried, Zara. I thought if I framed my objections as concern for him—that he’d be unhappy—he might’ve listened.
It was a long shot, but I really did try.
It gutted me to think about you being married to a man who didn’t deserve you. ”
It took me a long time to find the words I wanted to say. Cormac had flipped everything I thought I knew upside down. How had I gotten things so very mixed up?
“I don’t think I wanted to see it,” I finally said.
“I felt like I was losing, and losing, and losing. I’d already leaned far too heavily on you, so I’d decided to hold on to him as tight as I could instead.
For a while, he really was good to me. Things hadn’t changed until I was in so deep I couldn’t tell up from down. ”
“You had some rough years. I don’t blame you for seeing him like a life raft, but I promise, you never leaned too heavily on me. That was never a thought in my mind.”
“I know that now…I’m not sure I was exactly rational back then.” I blinked at him through wet eyes. “How can you not blame me? After everything…”
He sighed, long and rough. “You were really young, Zara, and you’d been dealt a crappy hand. I would have never have picked Jackson for you, but I could see why he appealed to you back then. He worked to land you and keep you. You got all his time and attention. That had to have felt good.”
“It did. Of course it did.”
“He sure as hell was pleased with himself,” he muttered, an edge of bitterness lacing his words.
“What does that mean?”
His jaw rippled then relaxed. “I think it was like a game to him, winning you. Not that he didn’t have real feelings, but I’m pretty sure that’s how it started.”
“Why am I not surprised? He loved nothing more than winning.” I let my head fall back on the rest. “There must be something about that man for you to have been friends with him…for me to have fallen for him.”
“We weren’t ever friends.”
I raised my head. “What do you mean? You lived with him.”
“By chance. Tim and I needed a third roommate last minute, and he stepped in. We weren’t friends, Zara.”
“But he…” I shook my head, trying to clear my jumbled thoughts. “When we met in class, he said you’d told him all about me.”
Cormac turned his head, staring out the window. The corner of his jaw twitched, and his hands rubbed back and forth over his jeans.
“The day he moved into the apartment, you texted me. I guess I was smiling at my phone because he asked about it. All I gave him was your name and that you were my best friend.”
“And then he found me,” I whispered, filling in the rest. “He sat down beside me in class, and when I told him my name, he was almost giddy. I thought it was because he liked me. But…it was because he knew I was yours…and he—”
“You weren’t mine,” he bit out, then slowly exhaled. Facing me again, he nodded. “I don’t know what went on in his mind. I’m going to guess meeting you was a coincidence, but going after you once he did was a calculated effort.”
I groaned, covering my face with my hands. “God, I wasted so much time with him, and for what—a game? I’m a real idiot.”
“Hey. You aren’t.” He reached across the cab and gently squeezed my shoulder. “I don’t doubt he loved you. How could he not?”
The words were soft. Earnest.
And they wrecked me.
Without thinking, I tilted my head and brushed my cheek against his wrist, chasing the comfort the way I used to when we were teenagers and the world felt too sharp. His skin was warm and familiar.
“I can’t believe you’re still defending me,” I said. “After everything.”
His hand stilled on my shoulder.
“That’s really, really sweet of you to say,” I went on, my voice wobbling despite my attempt to steady it, “but it’s okay to admit I was stupid.”
He huffed out a breath, pulling his hand back. Not abrupt but deliberate, and the loss was immediate. Despite the day’s heat shining through the windows, cold air rushed in where he’d been.
“Don’t think you’ll ever hear me saying that.”
I studied him. The way he shifted toward the door. The way his shoulders squared, like he was bracing against something—against me.
A slow, nauseating realization began to bloom in my chest.
All those years, I’d carried this version of him in my head that had been entirely fabricated. I’d made up this whole story of being such a terrible friend to him, I’d caused him to hate me so much he’d tried to sabotage my wedding.
That wasn’t what had happened.
Not even close.
He’d been trying to protect me.
And I’d chosen Jackson anyway.
“I’m sorry.” But the words felt too small for the weight of what I’d done. “For believing the worst about you. For shutting you out. For”—my throat closed—“not even asking.”
He gave me a sharp nod. “It’s water under the bridge now.”
It wasn’t. I could see that. Water under the bridge wouldn’t have made him withdraw from me, and the space between us felt as barren as the Arctic. As icy too.
“It doesn’t feel like it,” I said quietly.
“Look,” he said, his voice rougher now, “I’m glad we cleared the air. It’s good for both of us.” He turned the key in the ignition, and even though I wasn’t ready to leave yet, the engine roared to life. “Makes it easier to move on.”
Move on.
The words hit harder than anything else.
Moving on from Cormac Kelly was the last thing I wanted to do.
I’d just found him again.
Zane and Steven’s faces crowded the screen of my laptop, looking so concerned and breathtakingly sweet, my stomach panged from how much I missed them.
They’d just patiently listened to me spill my guts for the last ten minutes.
I’d hoped to find some clarity after my conversation with Cormac, but I still had no idea what to do next.
“You apologized, right?” Zane pressed.
Steven looked at him and huffed. “Do you really need to ask? Of course she did.”
Zane raised an eyebrow. “She really doesn’t like to admit she’s wrong, so yes, I do have to ask.”
Steven turned back to me. “You apologized, didn’t you?”
“I did.” I scrunched my nose. “Though I don’t think it was as profuse as it should have been considering how very wrong I was.”
Steven was the first to try to let me off the hook. “The fact is, Cormac didn’t actually know how angry you were at him.”
“That’s a good point, honey,” Zane said. “Really, you should be apologizing to me. I told you that really didn’t sound like Cormac, and you told me to shut my big fat mouth.”
I narrowed my eyes. “I don’t think those were my exact words.”
He brushed me off. “It was something like that. We don’t have to argue semantics.”
“I think we do. Your mouth is perfectly sized, and I’d never say otherwise.”
Steven scoffed. “You’re both getting way off topic, but that’s no surprise with you two.”
Zane leaned his head against Steven’s. “We’re a delight. Just admit it.”
Steven kissed his temple. “You are. I would never argue that point. And Zara’s right. Your mouth is perfect.”
I groaned. “Please, guys. I can’t take another second of you being disgustingly in love. It’s not the time.”
Zane straightened, putting his game face on. “All right. We’re here. Tell us what you need from us.”
“I don’t know. I feel really unsettled, and I want…
” I trailed off, my gaze wandering to the window.
In the distance, I could see Cormac’s house, and I wondered if he was inside.
If he’d gone home after our talk. If he was going over everything we’d said in his mind or discussing it with his grandparents.
If he’d set it all aside and gone on with his day like nothing had happened…
Steven leaned closer to the camera. “What do you want, Zara?”
Deep down, I knew exactly what I wanted. It felt dangerous to wish for it, let alone to say it aloud, but denying myself would get me exactly nowhere.
So, I said it.
“I want my friend back.”
And whatever comes with it.