Chapter Twenty
Zara
My smile had lasted longer than I’d expected. Cormac had gone home, the dishes had been cleared, my face was shiny and clean, and the lights were off.
Lying in my bed, I faced the wall of windows, and slowly, it slipped away.
The view from here was the same as the living room, with Cormac’s house in the distance. The lights were off downstairs, but one still shone upstairs. Was that his bedroom? Or did he still like having a night-light glowing all night like he had as a kid?
Was he awake? If he was, was he thinking about our conversation?
I’ll text you back.
He should have texted me way back then. Why’d he let me go?
Why had we had to let each other go at all? I’d lost so much in such a short period of time, I’d never expected Cormac to be another loss on top of far too many.
He hadn’t fought for me, but I’d pulled away first.
It was my fault.
I’d been stupid and young and a little flighty.
But mostly, I’d been afraid.
Six Years Ago…
My heart thumped in my chest like a door knocker as Cormac wove his way through the student union food court, heading straight toward me.
I hadn’t seen him in person in months. I’d let myself forget what this felt like: to be the only person in a crowded room and the sole recipient of his smile and attention.
I stood from the table I’d found for us, and he wrapped me in his long arms, pressing my face to his chest. His heart was dancing the same wild rhythm as mine.
“Hey, you,” he murmured into my hair. “It’s so good to see you.”
“Hey, Maccie.” I rubbed my face back and forth against his soft T-shirt, inhaling his scent. It would always smell like home to me. “Did you get taller?”
He chuckled and slowly released me, taking the seat next to mine. “Maybe. I’m not really counting.” His eyes swept over me, warmth and happiness radiating out of him like sunshine. “Look at you, college girl.”
I tugged on my Savage U T-shirt. “It still feels like I’m playing a part. I can’t believe I’m really here.”
“I kind of can’t either.” He picked up my hand and held it between his. “I’m glad you finally decided to hang out with me. I was beginning to think you were too cool for me.”
“The opposite. Do you really want to be seen with a lowly freshman when you’re a junior? I’ll destroy your reputation.”
He barked a laugh. “What reputation?”
Right after he’d asked me that, a group of pretty girls walked by, all of them cooing at him. A minute later, a couple guys clapped him on the shoulder and asked him about some party happening this weekend. And a minute or two after that, a guy and girl stopped to ask him about a study group.
My stomach twisted tighter and tighter each time. I wasn’t used to this. Cormac had always been mine during our visits. Sharing him made me feel like a top spinning out of control.
People gravitating toward Cormac made sense. Hands down, he was the most wonderful person I knew. Of course I wasn’t the only one to see it, but my irrational, jealous mind wanted to bundle him up and run away with him so I could have him to myself.
We were supposed to be best friends, but we’d never been a regular part of each other’s lives. Not in person for an extended period. What if he saw right through me? What if everything changed?
My fingers clenched in my lap, and my eyes started to burn. What was this? It wasn’t a good feeling, and I always felt good with Cormac. If things were off or teetering in the wrong direction, he’d always been the one to set it right.
“You should come with me,” he said, knocking me out of my mental spiral.
“Where?”
He looked at me funny. “The party Ben and Cam were talking about. It should be fun.”
Ben and Cam. The guys who’d stopped by a few minutes ago.
The ones he’d introduced me to, putting his arm around me and telling them I was his best friend.
His Zara. And they’d already known who I was.
They had both lit up when he’d said my name.
It should have made me feel better. Why hadn’t it made me feel better?
When I didn’t answer, he rushed out, “If you don’t want to be stuck with me all night, you could bring some of your new friends. I’d like to meet them.”
I sucked in a breath, wincing internally at how ragged it sounded. “I’ll let you know. I’m not really sure what’s going on this weekend.”
He slowly nodded. “Right. You might get a better offer.”
I forced a smile. “You never know. I’ve got to keep my options open.”
His laugh sounded just as forced. “Hopefully I’ll make the cut.”
I never made it to the party. Jackson had asked me to go out with him that day in class, and nothing had been the same after that.
My hands balled into fists at my sides. The moon glinted off the weather vane on top of Cormac’s roof. My eyes filled, and my stomach churned with regret.
So much regret.
A tear slid down my cheek, then another. I curled onto my side, clutching a pillow against my middle, and stared at Cormac’s house until my eyes burned.
I should have gone to that party. I should have been brave.
I was so scared of losing him, I’d made it happen.
I had him back now, and I wouldn’t let him slip away again. I didn’t know if we could ever get back to where we were before, but something with Cormac Kelly was better than nothing at all.
Once the dam had burst, I’d become somewhat of a pest. I could admit that. The thing was, when I said I had missed Cormac, I’d meant that down to my very core, where my feelings for him resided.
Cormac was on the phone when I wandered into his office.
He raised an eyebrow in question but nodded toward the chair in front of his desk.
I sat down, setting my lunch bag in my lap.
As he spoke to someone arranging a company retreat, I placed the sandwich I’d made him on his desk and unwrapped mine.
It would have been good manners to wait until he was off the phone to start eating, but I’d led a sunrise hike this morning and was absolutely famished.
Cormac continued talking and typing on his keyboard, throwing me a puzzled glance every once in a while. I liked listening to his professional voice. If I’d been on the other end of it, I would have agreed to sign any contract, sight unseen. He was that smooth and convincing.
By the time he hung up, I’d finished my sandwich and had moved on to peeling a clementine. He picked up the sandwich I’d brought him, waving it back and forth.
“What’s this?”
“Turkey and provolone.”
He turned it over in his hands, bemused. “You made me a sandwich?”
“Yes. I figured it would be rude to eat in front of you if I didn’t.”
“That brings up the question of why exactly you’re eating in my office at”—he checked the time on his watch—“eleven a.m.”
“If it’s the time you’re questioning, I’ve been up since four. I was so hungry I was close to gnawing off my own arm.”
“Okay…” He nodded. “Understandable. Why my office, though?”
“I wanted to hang out with you.”
He leaned back in his chair, the sandwich still in his hands. “That’s…okay. I, uh…have some calls I need to make. In fact, I’m late for one right now. I don’t think I’ll be the best company.”
I lifted a shoulder. “That’s fine. If you don’t mind me being here, I can be quiet.” I tucked my legs beneath me, getting comfortable. “You can do your work. I don’t mind.”
His mouth twitched, but he didn’t quite smile. “If that’s what you want…”
I nodded. “I want—but only if I’m not bothering you.”
He gave me a long look, the corners of his eyes pinching and relaxing. “Stay. You’re not bothering me at all.”
So I stayed.
Two days later, I found myself at loose ends a little after three. I didn’t feel like going home yet, so I stopped by the resort café for a coffee and treat and took them to Cormac’s office.
Melanie gave a little huff as I passed reception, but I barely noticed.
Cormac was reading something on his computer when I peeked inside his cracked door. Not wanting to disturb him, I silently slipped inside, placed the coffee I’d bought him on his desk, and took up my spot in the chair across from him.
He spent another minute or two reading before looking away from the computer screen, his gaze volleying between the iced coffee dripping condensation on his desk and me.
I smiled, holding up the paper bag in my lap. “Cookie or brownie?”
He cocked his head, a line carving deep between his brows. “Uh…hi?”
My grin widened. “Hey, Maccie. You choose: cookie or brownie? It’s not Phoebe’s baking, but the resort café is pretty good.”
He rocked back in his chair, sliding his fingers through his hair. “You brought me coffee?”
“And a cookie or brownie. If you don’t choose soon, though, I’m going to do it for you.”
He frowned, and I frowned back. His deepened. So did mine.
Then he cracked. A soft chuckle rolled into deep barks of laughter, pulling me right along with him. Snickers devolved into giggles. I couldn’t even have said why we were laughing, but it felt so incredibly good.
He wiped his eye with the heel of his hand. “Let’s split them. Half of each.”
“You’re such a great negotiator. They should send you to resolve every hostage crisis and trade disagreements between countries.”
“I don’t think I have enough talent not to cause an international incident. I just learned a lot from watching my mom handle four kids without breaking a sweat.”
I placed his half of the brownie and cookie on a napkin and slid them across his desk. “You’ve done her proud.”
He bit the corner of his brownie, looking me over. “Seems you making an appearance in my office is becoming a thing. Twice in one week, huh?”
I patted the rock-hard arm of my chair. “It’s comfortable in here.”
He hummed, slowly eating his brownie. I sipped my iced latte, forcing my gaze to the window behind him. Did he ever spin his chair around to take in the view? Or was it comfort enough knowing the land his family had owned for generations was at his back?
“I appreciate the coffee and treats. Unfortunately, I can’t be much of a host, though. I have work I need to get through before the end of the day.”
I brought my gaze back to him. He wasn’t wearing a tie today. The top two buttons of his crisp, pale-blue shirt were undone, revealing the peachy skin of his throat and divot at the base.
“I’ll be quiet like I was the other day,” I said, studying the way his throat bobbed when he swallowed. I didn’t think I’d ever noticed a man’s throat quite like I was his.
He let out a soft breath. “All right. But if you keep showing up like this, I’m going to get used to you.”
I almost asked if that would be so bad, but stopped myself. Of course it would. I was leaving in a couple months. Getting used to me was the last thing Cormac needed.
I showed up again Friday morning, all my reasoning to stay away overthrown by my need to see him. It was selfish, but there was nowhere else I wanted to spend my time before taking a group on a trail ride.
When I walked in, he didn’t seem surprised.
“Hey, Maccie.”
“Morning, Zara.” His fingers sped over his keyboard, his gaze never wavering from his screen.
I settled in my chair, pulling out my phone to return a text from my group chat with Zane, Steven, and my parents. Zane had titled it “The Vasquez Family Hang.” The last message was from my dad, telling Zane to use his words because the pictures he continued to send didn’t mean anything.
The pictures were GIFs that never failed to confuse our father.
I laughed to myself, even as my chest panged with something like homesickness, though that wasn’t quite the right word. There was nothing about Oregon I especially longed for, but I missed my family badly.
“What’s the smile about?” Cormac asked suddenly.
I put my phone down on my lap and looked up at him. “A while back, my dad tried to ban Zane from sending GIFs in the family group chat.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Was that difficult for Zane?”
“You have no idea. GIFs are my brother’s main form of communication. It was the closest they’d ever come to having a rift between them.”
“They worked it out in the end?”
“They did. Zane’s now allowed to use GIFs as long as he follows them with words.”
Cormac chuckled. “Sounds like a fair compromise.”
“Everyone thinks my dad’s a hard-ass, but if Zane had pressed it, Dad would have folded like a wet tissue. He’s miserable when either of us is unhappy.”
“I expect you had to stop him from murdering Jackson then.”
Groaning, I rubbed my face with my hands. “You have no idea. He wasn’t pleased when he found out all I’d hidden from him either. Luckily, my mom talked him down. But…yeah, it was touch and go there for a minute.”
“I can imagine.” After a pause, he asked, “Have you heard from the private investigator?”
“He messaged. I haven’t replied.”
“Will you?”
“I don’t know.” I scrunched my nose. “If I ignore it, it won’t go away, will it?”
“That’s a strategy, but no, I’m pretty sure it won’t go away on its own.” He tapped his mouse a few times before looking at me again. “What are you up to today?”
“I led a beginner hike this morning and have a trail ride in a couple hours. I was thinking I might be able to hide in here until it’s time.”
“You might be.” He cocked a brow. “You didn’t bring me a bribe.”
“My company isn’t enough?” I teased.
He raked his gaze over me in a way that pricked my skin. “It’s more than enough, Zara.”
My breath caught as our eyes met and held. Something heavy settled over us, like a warm cloak. Each passing moment tightened it, drawing me closer to him, though I hadn’t moved from my seat.
“I’ll bring you a cookie next time.”
“As long as there is a next time.”
There would be.
I didn’t think I could stay away from Cormac Kelly.
Not anymore.