Chapter 34
Chapter Thirty-four
Zara
Let it be known, Phoebe Kelly ran a tight ship.
When she’d asked me to volunteer at the town market, I’d expected to sit at a booth and sell her baked goods.
Over the last couple weeks, I’d been to three planning meetings, painted signs, designed price sheets, and glued hundreds of silk roses to the booth Deke had built from scratch.
This morning, I arrived at the park just after sunrise, the streetlights still glowing. According to Phoebe, this place would be shoulder to shoulder by noon, but we were the only ones here.
That might’ve been because we had the most elaborate setup. I couldn’t imagine anyone else had had a master carpenter build their booth for them. Phoebe was determined we’d raise as much money for the library as we could, so she’d gone all out.
As time went on, one by one, folding tables were set up and white tents bloomed across the park.
Farmers with crates of tomatoes, a woman selling jars of pickled vegetables, another with a myriad of jellies, a high school kid arranging bouquets of sunflowers in mason jars, and a couple food trucks lined the curb.
By eight, the park began to swell. Locals showed up, walking with purpose, like they knew exactly where every vendor would be and what they’d planned to buy.
Phoebe had left Alice and me in charge while she ran back and forth between the market and her café.
We didn’t have to do much to sell the individual boxes of cinnamon buns and little baggies of cookies.
They went so fast, we were out before Phoebe could restock us.
Tourists trickled in later. Families in hiking sandals and sunburns, couples wearing matching cowboy hats, and older people studying the printed maps they’d picked up at the five-and-dime that doubled as the information center.
“Are these really for the library?” an older woman asked, peering at our sign.
“They are.” I straightened a stack of napkins that didn’t need straightening as Alice jumped in to explain.
“We’re hoping to add to our children’s section this year. I have big plans for a weekly story time and after-school program.”
“That’s lovely,” the woman said, handing me a twenty and picking up a cookie. “The rest is for the children. I hope you raise lots and lots of money.”
The woman walked away, and Alice and I grinned at each other.
We hadn’t spent much time together, but I liked her a lot.
She had been quiet at first, but once I’d spoken with her a few times, it’d become clear how smart she was.
She’d read more books than I would ever get to in my entire lifetime, and she’d written a series of her own.
She also had a sneaky sense of humor and was a great listener.
Caleb had gotten lucky when she’d agreed to be his wife.
“The kids of Sugar Brush won’t know what hit them,” I said, slipping the twenty in the lockbox. “They’re going to be buried in new books.”
Alice giggled lightly. “Well, I hope not. Burying children is pretty frowned upon—no matter what it is they’re under.”
I mimed writing on my palm. “Noted. Do not pile books on top of kids. Put books on shelves instead.”
She laughed harder. “That’s the spirit. You’re basically a librarian now.”
“If I can’t find an accounting job, I know where to go.”
She leaned close, her shoulder bumping mine. “You really don’t want to keep guiding? I was under the impression you enjoyed it.”
“Oh, I love it. But I went to school to become an accountant and studied my butt off to become a CPA. I think I just have to find the right job this time. Besides, guiding isn’t really a career.”
“It isn’t?” Alice slowly nodded. “I suppose it’s not a common career, but I wouldn’t say it doesn’t count. You have a regular schedule and get paid to complete a task.”
“There’s no nature guiding major in college.”
“I don’t personally know that to be true, but I’ll trust you on that.
” She rubbed her lips together before continuing.
“I imagine becoming an expert guide is accomplished more through experience than books. And if you look at it that way, with all your years of exploring the ranch, you’ve put more time into being a guide than getting your degree in accounting. ”
Another customer arrived before I could respond, and I was grateful for it. I didn’t really know what to say. She was right. Of course she was. Henrik guided full time. He moved around from country to country depending on the season, never forcing himself to sit in an office.
But we were different people walking very different paths that just happened to cross this summer.
By midmorning, I’d gotten the hang of running the booth. I handed out change, tucked brownies into paper sacks, and explained that, yes, Phoebe’s lemon bars were as life-altering as they looked.
Eventually, Lily arrived to give Alice a break. She more so held court with everyone who stopped by than did any real work, but that was okay. She attracted attention, which made us money, and I was determined to make as much as we could for the library.
Two women approached the booth, and it took me a moment to recognize them. Melanie, I was most familiar with since I had to pass by her every time I visited Cormac’s office. The pretty blond I saw less often, but knew was Cormac’s ex, Victoria.
She really was pretty, and so well put together, I felt a little like a slob in my ball cap, no makeup, and a simple sundress. But that was unfair to us both. If I put in the effort, I could make myself just as presentable, and Victoria had done nothing to deserve my scrutiny.
It was just that I was jealous of her.
That was easy enough to admit. To myself, at least.
“Hi. Can I help you pick out a treat?” I asked.
Melanie scanned the table with a slight sneer, and Victoria pinned me with a hard look.
“Are you just here for the summer?”
“I—” Hadn’t expected that, so it took me a moment to respond. “Yes. Just for the summer. How about you? Do you live in Sugar Brush full time?”
She lifted her lovely chin. “Yes. I moved here two years ago. It’s my home.”
“It’s a great place to live.”
She placed her hands on the table and leaned forward, her face inches from mine. I was too surprised to move away.
“We had a really good thing going, you know.”
My brows rose. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what you mean.”
Her bottom lip quivered, and she quickly hardened it.
“Cormac and me. We were good together. I thought—” She shook her head.
“Then he ended it out of nowhere. Well, I felt like it was out of nowhere, but Melanie told me you’ve been spending every second together.
You’re the reason he broke up with me. It’s just…
I can’t figure out what you have that I don’t. What makes you so special?”
My stomach sank, and heat crawled up my neck. I disliked confrontation. Even more, I hated the tremor in Victoria’s voice. I felt terrible she was upset, but she had it wrong.
“I don’t know anything about Cormac and you,” I said quietly. “Whatever happened between you had nothing to do with me.”
She crossed her arms and straightened. “I’m not stupid. One day, we were fine, and the next, you showed up and he told me it was over. And now you’re spending all your time together. I can do the math, can’t you?”
Melanie wrapped her hand around Victoria’s arm. “Come on. We don’t want anything here. There’s much better stuff at the other stands.”
They walked away without a backward glance, leaving my head spinning. What was that? How could she think…?
Lily touched my hand. “Are you okay, darling?”
I turned to her, my heart thumping. “That can’t be right.”
She rose from her seat, taking both my hands and squeezing them. “I think you’d better ask Cormac what’s right and what isn’t. He’ll tell you.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. “I should, but I can’t leave you here by yourself.”
“Hannah will be here any minute, and Phoebe is on her way. I can handle myself for a little while.” She placed her hand on my back, giving me a light shove. “Go. It’s well past time the two of you had this talk.”
To help Phoebe out, Cormac had volunteered to clean Sugar Rush’s kitchen, so when I burst through the back door, he was scrubbing the stainless counter.
“Hey.” His eyes swept over me, and I knew I had to look about as frazzled as I felt. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” I took my cap off and squeezed it with both hands. “Is the shop closed?”
“Yeah.” He tossed his cleaning cloth aside and approached me. “Phoebe left a few minutes ago. You just missed her.”
“Lily had said she was headed to the park. She made me take a break.” I forced my feet to move until I was right in front of him. “Why did you break up with Victoria?”
His brow dropped low over his eyes, but he didn’t hesitate to answer me. “It wasn’t going to work out.”
“It had nothing to do with me, did it?”
His lips parted, and for a moment, he said nothing. I held my breath, waiting for his answer, not knowing whether I wanted him to say yes or no. All I knew was I couldn’t breathe until I heard the truth.
He stepped forward and brushed his knuckles along my cheek. “Yeah, Zara, it did.”
A whoosh of air punched from my chest. “How? In what way?”
He gripped the back of his neck, turning away. “Because it wouldn’t have been fair to keep going out with her after I saw you again and realized my feelings hadn’t gone away. If she feels I wronged her in some way, I’m sorry for that, but I did the best I could by her.”
“What does that mean?” I pushed up on my toes, trying to get him to look at me. “What do you mean your feelings hadn’t gone away?”
He finally turned back to me. “I was in love with you when we were younger.”
“What?” I rasped.
He continued like I hadn’t spoken. “It had never been the right time to tell you, then you met Jackson. I’d missed my chance, if I’d ever had one, and had to let it go.
And I really thought I had. Then you showed up, and that first night when we had dinner at my parents’ house, I knew it was still there.
So I left their house and went directly to Victoria to let her know I couldn’t continue things with her. ”
“You loved me?” My throat was so thick, I could barely push the words out. “Cormac, you loved me?”
“I was in love with you, Zara.” He laid his hands on my shoulders and slid them down my arms. “I still have very strong feelings for you.”
“You do?” He was going to make me cry. “You did? God, Mac, you didn’t tell me. You should have told me.”
Arms wrapped around me, he brought me into his chest, touching his lips to my forehead.
“You were too young. Then there was the distance. I was happy to have you as my friend. I promise you, I treasured what we had, Zara, and I never wanted to mess that up. I thought once we got to college together, we’d have the time, but it never happened. ”
“You should’ve told me.”
He held me tighter. “I’m not sure it would’ve worked out. You weren’t in the right place to hear that from me—”
“You don’t know that.” I pushed on his chest without much force. I didn’t want to be away from him; I just wanted my point across. “How could you know that?”
“I don’t. Not for sure. But it’s what I think. You were pushing me away, finding yourself on your own. If I’d come in guns blazing, telling you I was in love with you when you were falling for Jackson, I don’t think it would have ended well.”
I slumped against him, all my fight fleeing. “I hate myself.”
“No.” He tangled his hands in my hair, pulling my face back. “No, no, sweetheart. There’s nothing to hate. Look where we are. We’re standing here together. We’re together, Zara. If I’d told you back then, I don’t know that we could be this way now.”
“But we missed so much time together,” I argued weakly.
“And we still have so much ahead of us.”
“I can’t believe you’ve been carrying this on your own for so long. I—” I rubbed my forehead against his soft T-shirt, inhaling the scent of his skin mixed with the sugar floating around the bakery. “It feels like I missed something important, and I’m so mad at myself for not seeing it.”
“I’m not mad at you.” He stroked along my back, still holding me so close. “For me, it was a fine line between loving you as my friend and loving you as…more. I can’t even say when it changed. It feels like it’s always been that way.”
“Cormac,” I cried softly, overwhelmed by what he was saying and the snakes waking up in my chest. I shuffled closer, my feet sliding between his, but it wasn’t enough. If I could have opened his rib cage and folded myself inside, that might have done the trick.
“Shhh, it’s okay.” He dipped down to kiss my cheek. “Love that freckle,” he cooed. “So pretty.”
I couldn’t think of what to say. This was too big for me to comprehend, but I knew it was impossible not to be angry with myself. If I’d been less selfish…if I hadn’t taken him for granted, things could have been so different.
At the same time, I understood the fine line. I couldn’t look back and see when his feelings had changed. There was no shift. He had always been this. So kind, loyal, and attentive. That was who he was.
He nudged my chin with his knuckle, forcing my face up to his. “I hear you thinking. It’s okay, Zara. My feelings aren’t your responsibility. You were never required to reciprocate them, especially when I never told you I had them. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
I huffed. “That isn’t true, and we both know it.
” Then my nose crinkled. “I’ve always loved you too, you know.
I’m not sure if it was that way. The love has just been there since we met.
If I hadn’t been so consumed by my mom’s illness and the years of grief that followed, I think I would have gotten brave and tried to kiss you. ”
He pressed his thumb against my bottom lip.
“Now, see, we don’t need to do that. Playing the ‘what if’ game isn’t going to win us anything but regret.
You were consumed with grief. I let you go too easily.
You did overhear me talking to Jackson the night before your wedding.
Those are things we can’t change. But I’ve got you in my arms right now, and I’m finding myself not too upset about anything. ”
“I’m not there yet.”
“That’s all right. We’ve got time.”
The backs of my eyes burned, and panic welled in my chest. We didn’t. We had this summer…then what? I had to leave when we were only now discovering this new facet of our love. Would it just be over?