XXV CJ
XXV
CJ
“What do you mean, you were waiting for confirmation ? Why is this information coming through you and not my agent?”
“They offered me the role, and I said I would only do it if you were the production designer.”
My heart races. “Jack, how do you know I even want the job?”
“I guess I—it’s working with Cecily Close! And with me! I thought it was obvious.”
I stand up from the couch and walk into the kitchen, the pounding of my heartbeat reaching my ears. Does he not think I am capable of getting my own jobs? I remind myself how much he respects my work and what I do. He likes that I’m good at what I do.
Jack follows me into the kitchen, and I turn to face him. I know I need to try to hear him out.
“We had so much fun working together on Gatsby . And I know there is no one who will do a better job of bringing this story to life than you .” He grabs my hands and stares at me pleadingly, his eyes unblinking.
I pull my hands out of his, breaking away. I need to be alone with this. I don’t want his touch to distort the anger that’s building inside me. “Jack, if it shoots in a few weeks, that’s barely any prep time. I don’t have any idea what Cecily has in mind for the film.” I sigh. “And all of that is beside the point. I can’t just up and go to London for months. What about Agnes?”
“She can come too,” Jack says with so much hope in his voice.
“I can’t uproot her like that. No way.”
“Stuart could come! He could help.”
“Stuart could not come,” I counter immediately. “He has a life too! Just like I do.” We stand facing each other in the same little room, but it feels like we exist in different realities.
I mull over the details of what he’s proposing. Me getting an offer on a giant movie... without any kind of conversation with the director or producers beforehand. Without the involvement of my reps.
“Jack,” I say crisply. “Did you tell Delia we’re dating?”
“Uhh,” he stumbles. Wrong answer.
I throw my hands in the air. “How on earth do you think I can walk onto that set and be respected if everyone thinks I’m there because I’m dating the star of the movie?”
“Because you’re incredible at what you do, and I’m not the only one who knows it!”
“I wish that was enough, but it’s not. Why do you think I wanted to keep it a secret on Gatsby ? For fun?”
“That was different,” he says quietly. “We weren’t together yet, and a hookup—I understand that. But now, why does everything have to be a secret? Why are there so many rules?”
“Because things work differently for single-mom production designers than they do for sought-after male movie stars.”
“I don’t know the point of being a movie star if I can’t surround myself with the people I want to work with. This whole business runs on favors. I don’t see why this should be any different.” He grabs at his hair, and I can feel his frustration coming off of him in waves. I hope he can feel mine.
“Because I need to know anything that comes to me is because of my talent. How am I supposed to believe in it otherwise?” I exhale sharply. “Why didn’t you ask me or talk to me about it?”
“I got excited and caught up in the moment.” He leans back against the counter and props his arms up as if to brace himself. “And probably because I knew you’d never let me put in a good word for you.”
“Well, you were right about that.” I cross my arms over my chest. There are only a few feet separating us, but it may as well be miles.
“I’m sorry,” Jack says. “I won’t do the movie. I’ll stay here. There will be other offers.”
“No.” My tone is firm. “You have to take the movie. You absolutely cannot pass this up for me. I will not let you.” My anger is subsiding, and sadness is replacing it. I mean what I say to him, but I also can’t believe this is happening now, and like this. I thought we’d have time to strategize. That we’d sit down in January and make a plan. I hadn’t let myself imagine what it would be like for Jack to reenter his real life so abruptly or how far it would take him from mine.
He dips his head slightly, and he reaches for my wrist.
“Has it ever occurred to you,” he asks me slowly, “that I might want to be with you more than I want this role? That you may not know what is best for everyone?”
I swallow hard. My brain feels like it’s pushing against my forehead. “That’s a funny thing to say, considering you spent today acting like a career counselor on my behalf.”
He lets out a sad laugh. “Believe it or not, I thought I was taking a page out of your book. I was asking for what I want.”
“Without considering how it would affect me.” I make a fist and feel the muscles of my arm tighten under his grip. He lets go. I feel both better and worse. “Is that how you think of me? As stubborn and selfish?”
“No!” Jack says, concern washing over his face. “But you know how to stand your ground and make things happen.”
“So, the answer to that is yes.” My words are bitter now, my anger cresting again.
“I told them I wouldn’t do the movie without you.” His voice is barely audible.
“You should’ve thought it through before making a promise you can’t keep. Go do the movie,” I insist, stepping back into the living room and folding the blanket on the couch. “We can talk when you get back.”
“So that’s it? One mistake and we’ll talk again in three months?” Jack’s jaw is set, but his eyes are glassy.
Seeing him on the edge of tears makes me need to fight back my own, but I just shrug, unsure what to say.
“CJ, I know how you’re reading this, and I can even see where I went wrong. But you know as well as I do why I did it. Because I love you. And I think you love me too, even if you don’t want to say it.” With that, Jack strides out of the kitchen, through the living room, and out the door.