4. Present Day – Christmas Eve
4
PRESENT DAY – CHRISTMAS EVE
SCOTT
T he plastic shot glass I’m holding splinters. Chunk just fed Josie a grape. In her mouth. With his fingers.
Fuck. The way I can’t catch my breath, it’s like I’ve been punched. Winded and wondering, did she get déjà vu, too?
He’s been touching her all evening. Small gestures: a hand to her back, fingers brushing as he passes her a cup. Innocent. Barely touching. But every time it’s like I’m being flogged with the fucking holly that decorates the barn.
The worst of it is, I can’t even dislike Chunk properly. Who encourages people to eat at a party? Chunk does. Because he’s kind, and he’s trying to look after people.
Prick.
Disarmingly nice, thoughtful, funny, and now he’s leading a gaggle of us over to the corner for drinking games. Even encouraging me, too.
I’m definitely in hell, and it is entirely of my own making.
But his hospitality is starting to wear thin on me. I’d be surprised if Josie has blinked in the last half hour, she’s gazing at him so intently. It’s taking a real conscious effort not to glower at her. At them.
Happy for her , I repeat to myself, forcibly smoothing my brow once again.
Apart from one shot of whiskey, that did not hit the spot, by the way, I’m not drinking. And that in itself is another punishment. I wish I could have something to take the edge off this nightmare. But I can’t. Need to stay under the limit to drive later. Get myself away from here.
I could go now.
But I won’t.
It seems I’m finding multiple ways to punish myself.
And fuck if I don’t deserve it. Not after what I did.
We’re herded into a circle at the back of the barn, and I wrench my eyes from Josie, now sitting next to me, only to find Chunk on the other side of her, holding up a grape.
‘Pass it to your right,’ he calls out. ‘There’s only one rule. No hands.’
Chunk places the grape between his teeth and leans away, round to his right. The person next to him comes on to all fours to gently remove the fruit before spinning round to her right, with the grape grasped in her teeth.
So that’s what this is.
Pass the fucking grape?
Shit. Get me out of here.
Like a martyr, I stay, tracking the grape as it makes its way to me.
Nope. I’m more like a masochist. This is going to hurt, and apparently I’m here for it.
The person next to me giggles as I take the grape from them with my teeth, conscious to avoid any contact.
I frown, realising I couldn’t even say what they looked like. All night I’ve been consumed by watching Josie.
I move slowly round, and Josie’s right there, eyes flicking between me and the grape. Things seem to slow as I lean towards her and she meets me halfway.
It takes everything inside me not to swallow this fucking grape and crash my mouth into hers, claim her as mine like I did at the Halloween party. Like I did at The Bull.
But I can’t.
I lock every muscle tight and hold my breath.
Heart pounding, I pull up short and she nimbly takes the grape, her lips brushing mine for the briefest of seconds before she pulls back. Josie turns away from me, her pink hair falling down her back leaving a waft of coconut. Suddenly it’s colder. In her absence, the people around us seem much rowdier.
Thank God the grape has now reached the last person and this ridiculous game is over. What am I doing here? I’m pushing thirty and I’m playing drinking games on Christmas Eve with a woman I’m not allowed.
But wait.
Chunk’s crawled round towards Josie with a huge grin. A pang in my stomach registers as he cups her chin, encouraging her closer.
Mine , the beast inside me roars.
Not mine, I firmly tell it.
She folds towards him as he leans in for the grape. Their mouths crash together and I think I might be sick. The grape fucking disappears along with any space between them.
For a second, I can’t look away, trying to work out what I’m seeing.
She’s clambering into his lap.
His hands roam her body as hers wind into his hair, knocking his Santa hat off.
The crowd around us whoops and I feel like all the air has left me. Left the room.
If I don’t get out now, I don’t know what I might do.
Finally, my feet are moving.
Away.
Away from that heart crushing vacuum.
I push past people. Past Nate.
I don’t even know what I say.
Everything’s on top of me.
Closing in.
I burst out into the cold dark night and rake in a ragged breath.
Fuck.