24. Present Day – New Year’s Eve
24
PRESENT DAY – NEW YEAR’S EVE
JOSIE
I ’ve never been more relieved to see my best friend than tonight, when she swept into The Bull only minutes after I arrived and, with her big smile, made everything okay. Ella started chatting ten to the dozen with my mum about her evening classes, and Scott set about concocting her order — Sex on the Beach — allowing me to take a full breath.
I’d prepared myself to see Scott tonight, but finding my parents out of their natural habitat of listening to Radio Four in their slippers was discomfiting. And finding them with Scott was borderline overwhelming.
‘You doing okay?’ Ella nudges my arm as she slides onto the stool next to me, watching my parents as they drift off. They said they wanted to see Jamie in action, so have gone over to him for another drink, but I can’t help feel they’ll be scrutinising my poor brother.
‘ Yes . Surprised, though.’
‘It’s nice they want to see where Jamie’s working.’ She nods over to where he’s serving them on the other side of the bar.
The fact that my parents have never been bothered to see where I work stings like a bitch. I change the subject, not wanting to remember what a disappointment I am at this particular moment.
‘Where’s Chloe tonight?’ I ask. ‘I’d have thought she’d be here, trying to score drinks off Jamie.’
Ella bites her lip. ‘She’s still a bit subdued after the accident. Said she’s having a quiet one with the girls.’
‘Fair enough. And it’s not like he doesn’t know she’s underage. That would be tricky on his second day.’
‘I’d put money on her being in at some point hoping he’ll serve her.’ Ella shakes her head. ‘She’s normally such a party animal.’ She scrunches her nose. ‘The car crash seems to have knocked her a bit.’
I loop my hair behind my ear as I ask, ‘Is she doing okay after it all?’
‘She does her physio exercises.’ Ella shrugs. ‘Jamie okay?’
Looking over to my baby brother, who seems to get more adult every day, I nod. ‘Seems to be.’
‘Hey, where’s your drink?’ she suddenly exclaims.
‘I’m driving tonight. I’m doing Dry January anyway so I figured I may as well start my New Year’s resolution early.’
‘How’s the other resolution going? You started that one, too?’
I don’t pretend I don’t know what she’s talking about. ‘Give me a chance,’ I scoff. ‘I’m working on it.’
My eyes slide to Scott’s back, where he’s reaching up for a bottle off the top shelf, his t-shirt pulled taut across his stupidly big shoulders. The sooner I move on, the better.
‘You find a picture for your dating profile yet?’
I slip my phone from my pocket and flick to the photo album. ‘I wondered about these.’
I let Ella swipe through my starred favourites.
‘No. No .’ She keeps swiping. ‘No. Maybe .’
I peer at the screen. It’s the selfie I’d taken in front of my mural at Abi’s on Bonfire night. The colours are vibrant, and I look like a different version of myself. One I don’t recognise right now.
That fucking mural. I’d painted it after the Halloween party, when I’d been hypnotised by how Scott had made me feel. I’d considered tossing paint over it more than once since our disastrous date, but always remembered I don’t actually want to erase the past. It may stand there taunting me, but it also serves as a reminder that there are things that can feel that great. And maybe even things that can feel better — and that I need to keep looking for them.
If it can’t be him, I’ll have to date some other guys to find it. Finding that feeling again is my new year’s resolution. To be able to be myself. To not be judged for what I like, how I am. To feel free. It’s not too much to ask, is it?
Ella waggles my phone. ‘This one is good, as a talking point.’
‘I do like the colours. Does it look like me though?’
‘What are you two conspiring over?’ Nate claps us both around the shoulders and smacks a peck on both our cheeks.
Ella swivels to face him, her smile broad, and he matches it with a dimple-popping one of his own. ‘Choosing some pictures for Josie’s dating app profile.’
From behind the bar, a couple of metres away, I sense Scott’s blistering gaze on us. He seems to be wearing a tortured scowl, but since I’ve been getting to know him without a face full of zombie paint, I’m starting to wonder if that’s just how he looks.
‘Well, you need a good headshot. And bright colours always do better.’ Nate extricates my phone from Ella’s grasp and nods approvingly.
‘How do you know so much about dating apps?’ Ella’s voice raises up a note.
‘Chunk, of course.’ She visibly relaxes. ‘Not for me,’ he chuckles. ‘Fuck, I’d never go on an app.’ He turns to me and winces. ‘No offense.’
‘None taken.’
I try to take my phone back, but he raises it out of my reach and says, ‘What else have you got? I spent so much time helping Chunk, I like to think I’m a bit of an expert.’
A looming presence and a solid wall of warmth comes to my other side as Chunk’s deep voice rumbles out, ‘What about me?’
‘Dating apps,’ Nate replies, absorbed in scouring the recesses of my photo library.
‘He’s right,’ Chunk freely admits. ‘When I was first discharged, I did swipe a lot of rights.’
Confused, I frown. ‘But I thought you —’
He leans in so that only I can hear. ‘Thought I’d have more chance of finding that spark the more I put myself out there.’ He gives me a wink and then raises his voice, speaking to the group. ‘You need help writing a bio for that profile?’
My eyes pivot to Scott again, and find that he’s moved closer and is now glowering at Chunk. Jaw set hard, he turns a glass in his hand, over and over. If I didn’t know better, I’d wonder if he was jealous. My stomach flips, and I urge myself to ignore the way his forearms flex.
‘Wait, let me see that,’ Ella’s voice cries out. ‘Jose, is this one of yours?’ She indicates to the image on my phone that Nate must have scrolled to. ‘It’s amazing.’
I squint at the screen that’s been thrust under my nose. They’ve gone into the depths of my camera roll and come to a series of watercolours I’d been dabbling with. It was just a trial piece, an orchid opening up, like in the displays at the play party. Blossoming. Entirely erotic. Yonic.
‘It’s not awful.’ I note the way the colour has blotched in parts. ‘But my technique needs a lot of work.’
‘It’s … I’ve never seen anything like it.’ Ella breathes.
Nate lets out a whistle.
‘This isn’t in your Etsy store, or on Insta.’ It’s not a question. Ella’s one of my biggest hype girls. She knows .
I shrug. ‘Didn’t think it was ready yet.’ In truth, I’d been hesitating, worrying about getting it wrong. Maybe this is what I should have been working on, rather than mooning after Scott — giving my portfolio some attention, rather than just painting a series of whatever I’m feeling at the time.
My eyes flick towards Scott as he polishes another glass, half turned away from us.
‘We’re off now, love.’ My mum pats me on the arm, pulling me from my thoughts.
I turn round to face her, away from the group pawing at my phone. ‘Are you not seeing the new year in?’ I glance at my watch; it’s just after ten.
‘Oh, no. I’ve seen Jamie’s okay, so we’ll go.’
I don’t let my face give away the stab of pain; she has no interest in my job, my art. No faith in my career path.
‘We’ll leave you kids to have fun. Jamie said you’re dropping him off later?’
‘Yes. I’m not drinking.’
‘Do you want to stay with us tonight, love? Your room’s still there if you want.’
‘Mum, I’ve got my own place now.’ I clutch her in a hug. Her frame is slighter than I remember, and I realise I don’t hug her often enough. That’s another resolution, right there.
‘I know.’ She sounds resigned. ‘You’ve moved out.’
‘I’m coming home for lunch on Sunday though, remember.’
‘At least you’re still calling it home,’ Dad mumbles as he leans in to peck me on the cheek.
They head away with a chorus of Happy New Years . The air seems lighter somehow, now they’ve gone. Now Mum’s not pecking at every facet of my life, like a chicken looking for grain. Now I can’t feel Dad’s brooding disapproval, a heavy, loaded sensation reverberating through the atmosphere, silent, invisible but palpable nonetheless.
I turn back to the group to try to reclaim my phone.
‘Your artwork is incredible.’ Chunk grins as he passes it to me.
It’s not. It’s unfocused and unfinished.
‘You guys, there could have been anything on there. Fuck .’ I scoff. I look up and catch Scott looking my way, but when my eyes meet his, his dart elsewhere. He’s moved closer and I could swear there was a swirl of emotion in them again. Another pang of wondering if maybe he is still interested shoots through me.
‘What do you think?’ Nate suddenly says.
Scott startles. ‘Huh?’
‘Josie’s dating profile. She needs some photos. What do you think of these?’
‘ Er , she probably wouldn’t want my input.’ Scott waves his hand as if fending us off.
‘You wouldn’t mind, would you, Josie?’ Nate turns his head between the two of us.
‘Seems a bit personal,’ Scott bites out, shifting his feet like he’s getting ready to bolt.
‘I don’t mind,’ my unruly mouth replies. ‘Take a look. The rest of the world has.’
See what you’re missing.
The thought flares through my head before I can reason it away. But … maybe this will drive him to confessing that he made a mistake, that he’s been pining for me for the last six weeks, too. I push my shoulders back, raise my chin, as if to remind him this is what you’ve given up.
‘You want me to help you build your dating profile?’ The furrow on his forehead deepens.
‘Why not?’ I dangle my phone towards him. This moment feels like a lot is resting on it, like an ultimatum of sorts.
Does he really just want to be friends? If he takes this phone from me, helps me choose a hot-as-hell photo, then I’ll know for sure that it really is over. But what if he refuses?
Chunk’s large hands bear down on my shoulders and he presses his thumbs in circles as he says, ‘I’ve just been called for the darts competition. I’ll take a look again later.’
I rip my gaze from Scott and turn to Chunk. ‘Thanks.’
‘My pleasure,’ he rasps before swaggering off.
I turn back to Scott, who’s not exactly poised to take the phone but not refusing it, either. What is he thinking? His face is intensely blank, and I flatter myself that he is going to extreme effort to look like he doesn’t care. Or maybe he really doesn’t care.
Nate and Ella make their excuses and follow Chunk, but the standoff intensifies as neither of us move.
My bones itch as they anticipate how much this is going to hurt, but maybe this is the lesson my heart needs? To finally understand he’s not interested.
I stretch further to him and say, ‘It’s what friends do, isn’t it?’
His eyes narrow as he plucks the phone from my fingers, seeming careful for our skin not to touch. His face is inscrutable as he starts scrolling, and a swell of regret bubbles into my throat. I didn’t want him to prove my theory right .
‘Fuck, I need a drink after that.’ Jamie slaps his hand down on the bar, breaking my focus on Scott. Oblivious, he carries on, ‘Did you know they were coming?’
‘Who? Mum and Dad?’ I shake my head, discombobulated by the sudden interruption. Jamie has the worst freaking timing.
‘Yes, Mum and Dad .’ He does a snarky impression. ‘You could’ve given me a heads up.’
‘How the fuck would I know they were coming?’ My voice rises up a notch.
‘Talk about lay it on thick. Happy fucking New Year.’ Jamie rubs at his neck and grimaces and I immediately feel bad; he’s not a hundred percent after his car accident, and I can only imagine how they’ve just harped on at him.
‘Did it go okay?’ I ask.
‘As well as it could. Don’t get mixed up in things .’ He makes quote marks with his fingers. ‘ Don’t even consider this as a real career choice. You know.’
I look to Scott and note how his jaw feathers as he swallows. He passes my phone back, expression unreadable. ‘Gotta go and change a barrel.’
The device hits my palm and I gape, like the fool that I am. Was that it? How am I supposed to interpret that ?
As Scott disappears, Jamie sinks against the bar, pouring out a pint of cocktail from a jug and draining it.
‘ Jamie ,’ I exclaim, distracted. ‘Aren’t you supposed to be working?’
‘Scott said we could have a couple.’ He shrugs and wipes his mouth on his arm. ‘It’s a long shift and it’s New Year’s Eve.’
‘It looks like you downed your whole night’s allowance in one.’
‘It’ll be fine.’ He rolls his eyes. ‘And after those two,’ he motions his head towards the exit, ‘I need it to recover.’
Swinging my gaze between where Scott disappeared and where Jamie is helping himself to a top up, I huff. ‘Ugh. I’m going to play darts.’