38. Present Day – January
38
PRESENT DAY – JANUARY
SCOTT
T he after-work-drinks-on-Friday rush is slightly easing up. As I pour a couple more pints for Geoff and Steve, two of my regulars, I remember a message Will sent me earlier, lamenting my absence at the last play party and asking if I’d be up for one on Valentine’s Day.
Taking Geoff’s cash, I deposit it in the till and rub at the pressure resting behind my temples. I should definitely do a Valentine’s event at the pub, not mess around in a mask.
Enzo and Jamie have been kept as busy as me this evening, but during a lull, I call them over.
‘Have you guys got any ideas of what we can do for Valentine’s?’
Enzo tips his head to the side and then slowly nods. ‘I like the idea of Speed Dating.’
‘Or an alternative to Valentine’s — Palentine’s?’ Jamie offers, leaning on the bar with a sigh. ‘Not everyone has a date for Valentine’s.’ He sounds almost demoralised. ‘You need me to work? I’ll take the extra shift.’
‘You not got any plans?’
He squirms and I remember how Nate used to get when he was Jamie’s age.
‘Not particularly.’ His eyes flick about as if looking to change the subject.
‘Is Josie swinging by tonight? I could pick her brains about it, too.’ My heart swells at the thought of seeing her. Asking her opinion. Hearing her ideas.
‘Not tonight.’ A faint scowl crosses his forehead. ‘She’s on a date. Wants me to pick her up once I finish here.’
The beast that sleeps in my chest, the one I’ve been trying to keep at bay for months now, stirs. Stomach clenching, it’s an effort to relax my jaw. ‘Oh.’ I school my features. ‘Good for her.’
‘Didn’t think you’d be so okay about it.’ Jamie frowns.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I thought you— Don’t worry about it.’ He shrugs and starts to amble off. ‘I’ll go and restock the beer fridge.’
I look to Enzo, but he holds his hands up and backs away, pulling his I-do-not-want-to-get-involved face.
I have to be okay about it, don’t I?
We’ve been getting on well. It’s been nice being friends these last few weeks. Apart from when it feels like I’ve been flayed. But “friends” means being happy for her when she has a date, right?
A woman comes up to the bar, an ornate ‘C’ tattooed on her arm. I get a curious flicker of recognition. She’s not a regular but I’ve seen her somewhere before.
‘I’m looking for my husband.’ She holds up her phone with a picture of the blond guy from the auction Josie had been flirting with.
‘Husband?’ I ask glancing around, knowing full well that guy hadn’t been in here tonight.
She whips up her hand and a ring glints on her finger. ‘ Husband ,’ she repeats, clearly livid.
‘Not recently.’ I shake my head, feeling bad for her.
Her phone rings, and she taps the screen with a huff.
‘No, I’ve not found him yet,’ she snips. Half turning away from me, she mutters, ‘I knew we shouldn’t have gone to that sex party. Now, it’s like he’s insatiable …’
The flashback hits me like a lightning bolt. A blond guy with a glinting quiff, getting sucked off by — apparently — his wife, while a brunette tongued his arse. I can see them going at it so clearly. That’s where I recognise them from.
With no sign of the dude here, she stalks out of the pub, and I return to the comparatively boring task of wiping down the bar.
Geoff calls out, ‘See you tomorrow,’ stirring me from thoughts of Josie at that play party.
I wave him off. It’s dead in here now, not much for all three bartenders to do. Looking for Jamie to tell him he can leave early, I catch him stuffing his phone in his pocket with a huff.
‘Everything okay?’
‘Yeah, sorry. I wasn’t on my phone or anything. It’s just Josie.’
‘I wasn’t getting on your case about it. You can check your phone, dude.’ Jamie’s rubbing his neck, like he’s struggling with something. ‘Wait, what’s up with Josie?’
‘She doesn’t want a lift back anymore, which means she’s staying out with some strange guy.’
A rock drops in my stomach. Sweat prickles my back.
His phone beeps and he pulls it out. His jaw ticks.
‘What’s happened?’ I grind out, trying to keep my cool. Trying not to let the metaphorical beast wake up and take over.
‘She reassuring me that it’s not a strange guy. It’s that guy Carl from the auction. The guy that gave me the fucking creeps.’ He gives a disappointed laugh. ‘So much for me warning him off.’
The fuck?
‘Wait. Josie’s on a date with the guy from the auction? The married guy?’ Adrenaline pumping, my heart thrums — my blood pressure must be off the charts.
He squints at me. ‘How’d you know he’s married?’
‘His wife’s been in, searching for him, tonight. ’ I manage to grit out, my fist tightening around the cloth — the only thing stopping me from drawing blood.
‘And he’s on a date with Josie .’
We lock eyes and an unspoken understanding passes between us. I can’t stop it. The beast is fully awake, hackles up.
‘Fuck. Where is she?’
Jamie taps on his phone and then shrugs. ‘I’ve asked. She’s not read it yet.’
‘Tell me the moment you find out.’ I start backing away.
‘Yes, sir.’
Now my heart is almost beating out of my mouth, a surging pulse bellowing through my head as I storm from the bar and head to the storeroom to try to calm down. That fucking creep. If he’s capable of brazenly cheating on his wife, what else is he capable of?
My foot connects with an empty box, ploughing it into a stash of crates.
Fuck.
I take a ragged breath and scrape my hair out of my face.
It’s not the date I try to tell myself. I’m stressed because my friend is putting herself in a dodgy situation. Shaking, I type out a text.
Scott
Where are you?
Josie
Who is this?
Scott
You know it’s me. Where are you?
Josie
I’m on a date.
It’s all I can do to not tap out swear words.
Scott
The address, Josie. I’m worried.
Josie
No need to be. It wasn’t the venue that upset me last time. It was the guy I was on a date with. Now speaking of which - I’d better get back to my date tonight, so I’m turning my phone off.
It wasn’t the venue, it was the guy? ‘Guy’ meaning me .
Coco’s.
The place where everything went wrong. She has to be at Coco’s.
Scott
Leave your phone on. I’m coming now. That guy’s bad news. I think he’s married.
The delivered confirmation doesn’t arrive.
Shit.
I call her but it goes straight to voicemail.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
Why the fuck didn’t I open with YOUR DATE IS MARRIED? In big fucking capital letters?
Fuck.
I run out of the storeroom and bowl straight into Enzo. ‘I’ve called last orders. All okay?’
‘Yeah.’ I grab my jacket and swing it over my shoulders. ‘You okay to hold the fort here? I’ve gotta go.’
‘ Sure .’ Confusion flashes across his face, but my deputy is unflappable, so I know the place is in safe hands. ‘I’ll close up, yeah?’
‘Please.’ I keep moving towards the door as we talk. ‘Jamie,’ I shout out across the bar. ‘She’s at Coco’s. I’m going to get her.’
I don’t give him a chance to do more than nod. I’m out of the door and in my van in seconds.
My pulse is hammering as I streak through traffic, heading to the centre of town, to the bar where we’d had our failure of a date weeks ago.
‘Fuck!’ I shout to no one as I narrow my gaze, trying to squint through a red mist that’s rapidly descending, blurring my reasoning, tinging my thoughts to a purely primal rage.
I abandon the van a few doors down from the bar and run inside, ignoring the grumble of the guy on the door.
Wrenching my gaze from left to right, I scan the place, but the dense crowd makes it difficult to see through. The mist, my angst, makes it difficult to focus. I push past people, craning to see into the little booths and darkened corners.
Shit.
No sign of her.
Ridiculous scenarios flash through my mind of Josie getting into some sort of trouble with that odious guy. What else has he lied to her about? What if his wife turns up and blames Josie? What if he takes advantage of her?
Dragging my hands through my hair, I strain my neck to see past the melee, to look for a flash of Josie’s colourful hair.
Where are they?
Am I too late?
Did I get the wrong place?
Every pound of my heart brings another fear to my mind, my blood a thick electric dread pumping through me.
I work my way back towards the entrance, squeezing and shoving past all the bodies of happy drinkers who are oblivious to my distress.
A streak of blond catches the light and I grab the guy’s shoulder, wrenching him to face me. Not the adulterer. The scowling woman with him is not Josie, either.
‘Sorry, wrong person,’ I mumble and back away.
Suddenly my arm is soaked and I spin to find a girl cursing at me.
‘Watch where you’re going, prick.’
‘Fuck,’ I grunt and try to manoeuvre away.
A vein in my forehead throbs and I clutch both hands to my head. Bodies, people, everywhere. Where’s Josie?
‘Easy, buddy.’ A huge guy catches hold of me. ‘Is there a problem?’
‘I’m looking for someone.’ I try to shake him off, peering past his massive shoulders.
‘Na ah. You need to calm down or get out.’
‘I am calm,’ I shout, glaring at him.
‘Out.’
The bouncer brokers no disagreement. And there is no sign of Josie here, anyway.
‘I’m going, I’m going,’ I mutter, trying to push past him. Maybe I missed her at the very front of the bar.
He steers me to the door and suddenly I’m outside and, finally, finally, I see her. She’s sitting on the large flagstone steps of the building next door.
‘Josie!’ I shout out, but an iron grip anchors me down. ‘Dude, enough.’ I try to shake him off.
‘What if the little lady doesn’t want your company?’ he rumbles. ‘She seems upset. Now calm the fuck down, or I’ll put you down. Hey, you want company, miss? ’ the doorman calls over to Josie in an unexpectedly soft voice, considering his vice-like clamp on my shoulder.
Showing her who I am, but with no chance of letting me go without her say-so.
Josie looks up, eyes shiny in the streetlights. She swipes across her face and I realise it’s not the lights: she’s wiping away tears.
I clench my jaw, struggling not to hulk out. The one thing keeping me cool is the reality that I have to calm down if I want the bouncer to let me go. I can’t let the beast take over and completely lose my shit. I have to know she’s okay.
‘Typical,’ she mutters, just loudly enough for us to hear and the bouncer gives a throaty chuckle.
‘You better not be responsible for those tears, buddy,’ he growls.
Josie sighs out a groan.
Heart hammering, I call out, ‘Josie, tell him.’ I try to wriggle my way out of his grasp.
‘Tell him what?’ she shouts. ‘That you are responsible for these fucking tears.’
It feels like I’ve been stabbed, sliced through and gutted, but I keep standing, struggling towards her. I deserve this feeling of being eviscerated.
The mountain’s grip gets impossibly tighter.
‘ Josie .’ Fuck this is impossible. What do I say? ‘I just want to make sure you’re okay.’
A bark of laughter comes out at my feeble words, and she rolls her eyes, looking up the street and then down to her feet.
‘I was worried about you.’ I squirm against the bouncer’s grip. ‘That guy you’re on a date with, he’s … bad news …’
‘I know ,’ she sings back, pitch high as if she’s exasperated.
She takes a moment. A really long moment, where I think this bouncer is going to stop playing nicely soon. A bead of sweat pricks in my hairline despite the cold night air.
The bouncer sucks his teeth as if about to say something, but Josie calls out, ‘He’s okay. He’s here for me.’
Thank fuck.
‘You trust this guy?’ The doorman still has me clamped under his giant hand. Can’t deny the guy is good at his job.
‘Yes. He’s my friend. ’
My shoulders crumple with a sick sort of relief as much as from the release of the bouncer's grasp. Her friend. Fuck.
I don’t feel my feet move, I just know that finally I’m surrounding her, holding her. Clutching her to my chest.
Her hair is smooth against my lips. ‘What the fuck happened? Are you okay?’
The feel of her, whole and in my arms, loosens the strangling sensation in my lungs. I take in a deep breath, the familiar coconut soothing me a fraction more.
‘Can we just … go?’ Josie’s lashes flutter against my neck and I draw her in closer.
Another inhale of her and I murmur, ‘Of course.’
Not releasing my grip now that I’ve found her, I hold Josie to me and she clings back. I walk her the short distance to my van. Opening the door, I lift her up in front of me as I get in, bundling us both into the driver’s side, the steering wheel cramming us together.
‘I can manage.’
I ignore her protestations and clamp her on my lap as I slam the door, locking us in this tiny space where it’s only Josie and me. Where I’m not letting her go. Her weight in my arms helps my heart rate slow, and the beast settles a little with every breath.
‘You want to tell me what happened?’
She’s linked her arms around my shoulders, head still buried in my neck. ‘Why am I such a disaster?’ she mumbles against my skin.
I twine my fingers into her hair, pressing her closer, wishing I could meld her to me. Unable to comprehend how she’s letting me do this, I don’t want it to end.
‘You’re not,’ I whisper, trying to soothe her.
‘He was married.’ She stiffens.
‘I know.’
‘You knew?’ she exclaims, trying to pull away from me.
The dull light from the streetlamps illuminates her beautiful face and I hold her tight.
‘I tried to text you.’
She gives a slow blink, brow creasing as if in dismay.
‘His wife came into the bar tonight looking for him.’
Her, ‘Fuck,’ comes out on a ragged breath.
‘I thought I recognised him a few weeks ago but couldn’t place him. Then Jamie said who you were on a date with, and it all slotted together. I had seen him before … last Halloween.’
‘Shit, he was there ?’ Her nose curls as if concentrating on picturing the night, maybe running through memories of the guests.
‘Seems like he’d got a taste for the whole nonmonogamy thing from that play party.’
‘And you recognised him? So much for those fucking masks.’
‘Did he hurt you?’ Nausea laps in my stomach as I wait for her response.
‘No.’ She blasts a huff through her nose and relief washes through me again. The tension in my shoulders loosens. ‘We’d just been chatting. He wanted me to go to a hotel with him. Then I spotted the mark from his wedding band. Told him his wife and I were too good for him. He got pissy and stormed out.’
I bite my lip and try not to smile as I imagine the sassy expression she’d have had when calling him on his shit.
‘No matter what I do, things go to fuck. Even when I think I’m finally getting something right, I find out he’s fucking married. How could I be so bloody foolish?’
My poor Angel, can’t you see that you're anything but?
I keep my arms wrapped tightly around her, it’s helping me keep calm as much as I hope it’s reassuring her. ‘You’re not foolish. He lied to you.’
Her eyes flick down. ‘I’m gullible,’ she tells my chest.
‘Trusting people is a good quality.’ I dip down to briefly kiss her forehead, not daring to move any closer, terrified I’ll break the spell. ‘I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you.’
She locks back on to my gaze. ‘Are you?’
I take a moment. ‘No, not really.’
She slithers off my lap, leaving me feeling cold. Untethered. Fragmented. I’m about to protest, but her huge ocean-coloured eyes lay on me and says, ‘Please can we go?’
I can’t deny her anything now.
Reaching across her, my eyelids close as I breathe her in again. I catch hold of the seatbelt and carefully secure it over her, sliding the clip into the socket with a click.
I manoeuvre the van onto the road, and, as soon as my hand is free, clamp it onto her thigh, no longer able to go without contact. I need to make sure she’s there. She’s okay.
We make our way in silence towards The Bull, my palm burning hot as I grip down through the silky material of her dress.
I hate it when she’s quiet, withdrawn. I hate that that prick has made her feel like this.
As I pull off the main road, heading towards my village, I have to let go of her temporarily, and I miss her warmth immediately. I rush to place my hand back, gripping down protectively, curling it into the soft fabric over her thigh. I don’t want to leave her for one second if I can help it.
‘Why are you doing this?’ she sighs, breaking the silence.
My throat tightens. ‘What?’
‘This.’ She gestures both palms opening upwards. ‘Looking out for me. Are we even friends? Sometimes it’s like we’re just passive-aggressively pretending to be.’
The Bull looms into sight, a welcome glow at the end of the lane.
I glance at her, then away again. ‘I can’t be friends with you.’ The van rumbles and bumps as I navigate the potholes in the road, one hand braced firmly at the top of the wheel. ‘I’ve tried. It won’t work.’
‘Thanks.’ Sarcasm rolls off her. ‘So we’re not then? Friends, that is?’ She sits up straighter. ‘What’s this shit about then?’ She bats off my hand that’s still clamped on her thigh. ‘Gah! It’s like having an overprotective big brother.’
I swing into the empty car park and keep my focus fixed out of the windscreen. ‘Brothers don’t have the kind of thoughts about you that I do.’ I bite out the words.
‘What?’
Driving my van round to the back, I pull up in a space and put it into park. She undoes her seatbelt as I turn off the engine but doesn’t move to get out. Suddenly all other noise falls away and we’re engulfed in silence. Eyes forward, I carefully place both hands on the wheel. She doesn’t want me to touch her, so I won’t. But I have to tell her the truth.
I flood air into my lungs, filling them until they burn. Trying to think how I can get this right. Say it right.
‘I’ve tried being friends. I can’t do it.’ I release my own seat belt and twist to face her. Her big eyes are locked on me, swirling with something. Hurt, perhaps. ‘I can’t be happy for you to be with someone else. I can’t eat.’ A hollow laugh escapes me. ‘I can’t sleep.’ Her breath hitches but I plough on. ‘I can’t have one normal thought without thinking about you.’ Shaking my head, I move closer, fists balling to stop from reaching out to her. ‘Wishing I was with you.’ Her chest is heaving up and down, but it’s her eyes I can’t tear my gaze from, wide and imploring. ‘Burying myself in you.’
She’s moved closer as well. Infinitesimally so, but at least she’s not moved away. My pulse races I want her so badly, and so fucking selfishly.
‘But you had me.’ Her breath hitches again, and it lands gently on my cheek. ‘You turned me down. Bro code or whatever.’ Her voice has dropped to a whisper. ‘You said you couldn’t fuck your best friend’s little sister.’
‘I can’t.’ My breathing is ragged now, and I’m close, so close to her. All I want to do is reach out and close the gap, but I’ve hurt her, so that’s not my decision to make.
‘Then what’s all this about?’ she snarks. ‘You can’t have me, so no one can?’
‘I want you.’ I close my eyes as I murmur, ‘But I can’t fuck you.’ Opening them up to find she’s shifted again, the freckles dusting her cheeks in kissing distance.
‘But what if I want you to fuck me?’ There’s that sass I’m addicted to.
‘I can’t fuck you.’ I shake my head. ‘But I could … make love to you.’
‘What?’ Her eyes flare.
‘I could make love to you,’ I breathe. ‘I’m falling in love with you.’ It’s true.
There’s a moment where time seems suspended. I don’t think she breathes, her lips part but words don’t come then she slowly blinks.
‘That’s a bit fucking quick.’ Her head shakes slowly. ‘From hate to love.’
I rear back like she’s slapped me. ‘I never fucking hated you, Josie. I hated myself for wanting you. I hated knowing you’re the only one for me.’
‘Why did you push me away?’ Hurt is shining in her eyes, and it’s killing me to know I put it there.
‘I don’t deserve you.’
‘What?’ Her brow crumples.
I take a breath. It’s not easy to say this. To confess. ‘Marcus died because of me.’
‘No, he didn’t.’ She rears back this time. ‘I read the accident report?—’
‘But I should have?—’
‘Scott,’ she grabs my face, ‘no one holds you responsible for any of it.’
I shut my eyes, trying to let that sink in. To believe it. Even though I know contrary.
‘It wasn’t your fault,’ she continues. ‘The only thing you should be seeking forgiveness for is wasting two months of my life and making me feel like a shitty school girl.’
‘I’m so sorry.’ I find her gaze, fiery and passionate. ‘I was trying to do the right thing.’
Our foreheads are pressed together. ‘The right thing would be me ,’ she whispers. ‘ I’m the right thing. Do me . Please.’
Fuck it.
I can’t hold myself back anymore.
We collide.
My fingers find their way into Josie’s hair and I pull her as close as I can, lips crashing onto hers.
It takes a beat, just one, and then she opens her mouth to me, letting me in, kissing me back. She sucks my tongue then releases me to snag my lip in her teeth as she wraps her arms around me. I’m surrounded by her, all of her, and, entangled as I am, I finally feel free.
My hands slip over her silky dress, rushing to pull her back onto my lap. I scoot us to the centre of the bench seat, so she can wrap her legs up around me. Finally touching her, I cannot get enough. I trace circles, from her back to her waist, over her ribs up to her tits, and back down again. Her nipples pebble under my touch, and I pull her in closer. Moving my mouth from hers, I graze my teeth along her jaw until I suck on her neck. She arches into me, a quiet moan sounding out, reminding me of how much I love how loud she is.
‘Don’t be quiet. Not with me,’ I manage to growl through my kisses, my throat tight from overwhelm.
I never want her to be quiet with me.
Delicate hands grab at my shirt, snagging on the buttons, pulling at my flies, and I know she needs to feel me just as much as I need to feel her. I want to do this slowly, savour it, but that’s going to have to wait for next time. Right now, I need her. Right now.
Her dress has gathered up at her hips and I slip my fingers under the last of the fabric, finding her underwear soaked. She pauses from scrabbling at my zip when I gently brush over her centre.
‘Fuck, Scott,’ she gasps. ‘If I don’t get you inside me …’
My dick springs free, and her hand wraps around my shaft. I groan as she pumps me up and down, her rhythm stilling as I slide a finger inside.
‘You’re so ready for me, aren’t you?’ I breathe.
‘For like two months now, yes,’ she quips. ‘I don’t think I can wait much longer.’
‘One more minute, Angel,’ I whisper into her ear. Snagging her earlobe between my teeth, I murmur, ‘We just need some protection.’
I fumble, trying to find my wallet in my back pocket, but Josie lunges for her bag, and after a rummage, retrieves a little foil packet.
In moments, she’s rolled the condom over me. I grip her waist and she rises up with me as I lift her. Carefully, I guide her down onto me, her gasp filling the air. I still for a moment at her breath, tiny pants against my cheek, absorbing the feel of her wrapped around me.
Then she clenches, and I can’t hold back.