Chapter 26
Chapter Twenty-Six
The pain and self-loathing in his voice was difficult to hear. It made her want to hug him. Hard.
She wasn’t certain he’d want that, so she squeezed his hand instead. “I’m sure you had a good reason.”
His eyes widened a fraction. “That’s it? I tell you I gave up my own kid without a fight, and you think I had a good reason? You don’t think it’s a terrible thing to do? I bailed on a helpless baby, Callie. You need to understand that.”
To hell with it. She scooted her chair next to his and wrapped her arms around him. But he took it a step further and dragged her onto his lap, as if the mere act of touching him had opened up a dam of emotion inside him. Then he buried his face against her shirt as she held onto him. Tears stung her eyes.
“You had a good reason,” she said after a while, her cheek on his head. “Whatever the reason, it was a good one.”
His head tipped back, his eyes searching hers. “How can you say that?”
She took the liberty of skimming her fingers along his jaw, tracing her thumb over his lower lip. Because she was this close and she could. “Talk about blinders,” she teased.
He looked confused.
“Seth, honestly? You walked into my life three days ago, and you’ve fiercely protected me—and Nikki—every moment since. You didn’t throw up some cameras, give me an app, charge me far too much for the work, and drive away. You slept with a gun by your side last night so you could keep me safe. If you’d do that for somebody you hardly know, I can’t imagine what you’d do for a child that belonged to you. Give her up because you couldn’t take care of her like she needed? Yeah, I can see that happening. I can see you being that good. It takes a strong person emotionally to be so selfless. So stop saying you aren’t good at emotions.”
“Jesus, you’re fucking sweet, like it or not. Amazing, too.” He sucked in a breath. “I was seventeen. I got my girlfriend pregnant, and her father scared the shit out of me. He was a federal judge and a shark of a prosecutor before that. He terrified me, and I signed the papers without a fight. I should have stood up to him, but I didn’t. You’re the first person I’ve ever told any of this to. I don’t know why. I fuckin’ love my guys. They’re my brothers. But they don’t know any of this shit.”
Callie skimmed her fingers through his hair, hot emotion boiling inside her. She was the first person he’d told about his daughter? The weight of his confession hit her hard, the gravity of it. He’d thought she was going to judge him. Maybe that was why he did it. To push her away.
She wasn’t going to be pushed, not when she knew he was so much better than he thought he was.
“First, you can trust me not to tell another soul what you’ve told me. But I’ve seen you and your friends together, and they don’t strike me as the kind of people who’d fail you when you needed them most. They stayed and cleaned my house, not because of me, but because of you. They’d do anything for you same as you would them. I’m guessing, but I think I’m right.” She drew in a breath. “Second, you were a kid yourself. And her father sounds like a horrible human being doing that to you.”
“I understand his motivation now, even if I think he did it wrong. He was protecting his daughter. Protecting her future. They gave Mia up for adoption. I only know her name and birthdate because Mandy had a friend send me a message. I joined the military as soon as I turned eighteen because the judge wanted me to.”
Anger was a whirlwind in her mind. She imagined someone doing those things to Nikki—because they were talking about teenagers here—and she wanted to go Godzilla on them, smashing the town and making them wish they’d never been born.
“I’m so sorry, Seth. You didn’t deserve to be treated like that.”
“No. I didn’t. But it’s okay. I’ve had a lot of years to get over that part of it. I just can’t get over my kid thinking I didn’t want her.”
“You don’t know she thinks that,” Callie said fiercely. “Her adoptive family probably loves her and showers her with all the attention and security two kids would have struggled to provide. Because that’s what you and Mandy were. I’m not saying it couldn’t have worked. But it might have been a struggle.”
His forehead dropped to her shoulder. “We were too young and too poor without her parents’ money, which they never would have given, to raise a child. Plus we weren’t exactly in love. More like teenage lust. We weren’t ready for the seriousness of raising a kid. I don’t regret that she was adopted, or the path my life took. But I regret I’ll never know her.”
“You don’t know that for sure. There are companies where people put in their DNA and find matches. If she ever goes looking, she’d find you.”
He shook his head. “I can’t file my DNA like that.”
“People do it all the time.”
“I know, but I can’t. Not yet. And I can’t explain, so don’t ask.”
She considered how to answer. “Okay, so you can’t. What if Mandy already did?”
He looked at her in wonder. “I never thought of that. But she would do it. She’d want to give Mia a chance to find her if she ever got curious.”
“See? There’s a chance you could still meet her someday.”
He dragged her mouth to his for a kiss. It didn’t last long, but her body sparked to life nevertheless, nerves sizzling with heat and need.
“You’re fucking brilliant, Callie Crowell. And not just at computers. Sweet, sexy, and brilliant. Killer combo.”
It surprised her how badly she wanted to get naked with this man. She hadn’t known him long, but somehow it felt like she had. She was comfortable with him in a way she would have never believed when she’d turned around in One Shot Tactical and saw him instead of Kane. Was that only four days ago? Didn’t seem possible.
“I accept your flattery because it’s been a rotten week and I’ve felt like a helpless, frightened idiot for most of it.”
“You aren’t an idiot, and you aren’t helpless. Frightened is a legit response to what’s happened, but we’re gonna fix that.”
“I know. I just wish it was over already.”
She looked around the kitchen, thinking about the destruction of last night. The front door was held to the frame with boards, and while everything was tidy again, it was obvious to her that things were missing. The knickknacks and picture glass that had been shattered. The couch and chair cushions held together by duct tape. She was going to have to buy new furniture again, and that thought depressed her.
Her phone buzzed where she’d laid it on the table and her heart kicked up. Seth gave her a squeeze as if he understood. “Go ahead and check, baby. I’m here. We’ll deal with it, whatever it is.”
Callie had to leave his lap to reach the phone. She instantly felt less safe, but she told herself to get over it. She couldn’t go through life wrapped in Seth’s arms. She had to stand on her own two feet because, though he’d shared something painful with her, she didn’t know how long he’d be in her life. This wasn’t a relationship, no matter how much she might like it to be.
She didn’t sit as she checked her notifications. “It’s an email from Dr. Robbins. GRL is opening on Monday, but my team reports for work tomorrow evening because we’ve been down too long and the project timeline’s in jeopardy. I’m not surprised, really.” She skimmed the message. “We’re in another secure lab while repairs continue to the two damaged in the fire. Five until eleven, then back again Monday morning.”
Her pulse quickened. Little beads of sweat broke out in her armpits, between her breasts. She hadn’t expected to be hit so hard by the idea of returning, but all she could think about was being locked in the lab and unable to open the door while the fire raged. The helplessness and fear were as real as ever. She swallowed as her vision grew dark at the edges.
“Hey,” Seth said, tugging her onto his lap again. “You’re okay, Callie. It’s okay. I’m not going to let them get to you. I’ll take you to work and I’ll be nearby waiting until you’re done. You won’t be alone.”
She melted against him, though she told herself she needed to be strong, self-reliant.
“I won’t have my cell phone, and I won’t be able to contact you if something happens. That scares me.” She pulled in a breath. “But there’ll be eight of us in the lab, so I have to believe it’s safer. They were after me, not all of us.”
“Security will be heightened in the building. Standard procedure after an incident like that. Leadership isn’t gonna take the chance work grinds to another halt. They have contracts to meet and can’t afford more delays. It’s a financial decision as well as a security one. There’ll be plenty of people on the premises.”
“Right. Of course you’re right.” She pulled in a breath, but the sweat was still there, still working to chill her body as a shiver rippled through her. “I-I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My chest. It’s tight. I’m c-cold.”
“It’s a panic attack, honey. You can get through it. Breathe deep, let it out slow. That’s right,” he said as she did what he told her.
“H-how do you know? I’ve never h-had one.”
“Trust me, I know. Seen a million of ’em. Had a few myself. You’ll be okay.”
He held her for a long time, until the panicky feeling ebbed, until her chest wasn’t tight and she was no longer shivering. “I’m okay now,” she finally said.
“You sure?”
“Yes.” Her clothes felt sticky with sweat, and she started to worry about smelling bad. She’d slept in these clothes, after all. “I want to shower.”
His grip on her eased. She stood but didn’t move toward the bathroom. Her pulse raced for another reason now. She’d imagined him under the spray the past couple of days, soaping his body. She desperately wanted to see him do that. She wanted to do it for him.
But telling him was a bold move to make, and she wasn’t certain she could. He’d said she was tough. Brave went hand in hand with tough, didn’t it?
And why wait anyway? She was in danger, she had no idea who was behind the fire or the break-in and why, and she didn’t know how any of it would end.
But she could do this one thing for herself.
Bowchickawow.