Chapter 39
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Sunday dawned bright and beautiful, but Callie felt the weight of sorrow closing in on her when she woke up alone. She turned to look at the side of the bed where Seth would have been and sighed.
Her choice that he wasn’t there. Her decision.
Last night when they’d been talking in the kitchen, she’d wanted so badly to touch him. Just touch his hand, his cheek, sift her fingers through his hair. She’d wanted him to take her in his arms and hold her when she realized Dr. Robbins was the one on the video.
But she’d given up the right to ask him for comfort.
She still couldn’t believe Dr. Robbins tried to burn the lab. Joanne Robbins, her boss, her mentor. A woman she admired and had wanted to emulate. What would make her betray her country?
Maybe they’d have answers today, assuming Seth shared them with her. She didn’t think he would withhold them out of spite, but he might be ordered to do so by his boss. For national security reasons.
Callie pushed herself upright. Luna wasn’t in the room with her though she had been most of the night. Callie had left the door cracked open enough for the dog to come and go as she liked.
Fresh coffee smells drifted into her space, which meant Seth was already up and taking care of business.
Luna was fed and had been outside. Charlie was fed and medicated.
She didn’t expect pancakes this morning, however. She got out of bed, slipped on a bra, brushed her teeth, and wound her hair into a knot, then went into the kitchen for coffee.
Seth wasn’t there, but she spotted him outside in the backyard with Luna. He wore athletic shorts and no shirt, his skin glistening with sweat that she realized came from the pushups he did whenever he threw the ball for Luna and then dropped to the ground to pump out a set as she fetched and returned to his side, tail wagging furiously.
He stood and threw the ball again, did more pushups, petted Luna when she returned, and threw the ball for her. Sometimes he stood to do it and sometimes he didn’t. He laughed as she licked him, tilting his face away so she couldn’t smother him with doggie kisses, scrubbing her fur on either side of her neck and telling her she was a good girl.
Callie’s heart did a skip/squeeze thing that left her breathless for half a second. She’d never seen Seth so open and free, and it was a beautiful sight. He was always guarded, though she realized he hadn’t been guarded with her in those moments when they’d been tangled together, bodies moving as one. It was a different kind of open then, which was why she hadn’t recognized it. Not to mention she’d been lost in her own response to what they were doing. Her own intense pleasure.
A wave of loneliness hit her.
God, she was an idiot. She wanted that back, so badly, and she’d ruined it.
Maybe he was right. Maybe she had given up too easily.
She thought of Bobby Bowen and that moment when he’d kissed her. When she’d thought her entire world had been about to change for the better because a handsome, popular jock wanted her , a smart girl, instead of the cheerleader he’d been with before. She’d been so hopeful and stupid at the same time. She hadn’t seen the crash coming.
She was still afraid she couldn’t see it coming. That was why she’d been so mad, why she’d let her anger carry her into ending this thing with Seth before it ever really got started. Because she was afraid.
He’d said he craved her, that his heart felt like there was a vise around it because she wouldn’t look at him or speak to him. And when she’d said she wanted it to be over, he’d told her he didn’t want to be done.
Watching him now, that laughter, the way he cared about making a rescue dog happy—the way he took care of Charlie because he’d listened to what Nikki said—made her eyes sting. And then there was Colleen and her computer, the way he’d fixed it without complaint because she’d been flustered. When he’d told her why he would always help seniors who were confused by technology, she’d thought he was a good guy.
But it was more than that. Seth was beautiful, inside and out. He was grumpy on the outside because it was a protective mechanism, but he was a kind, decent, sweet man that she’d be a fool to let walk away without at least trying to make something of it.
Not that he’d appreciate being called sweet. She was sure of that. But he was sweet, like it or not.
She watched him play some more then turned away, her heart pounding with all she felt. Was it possible to fall for someone in a few short days? To think you needed more of them because you didn’t know how you’d ever lived without them?
She went to the fridge and took out eggs, bacon, and then got a pan and started the stove. Her heart was full, and she had to do something or burst. She got busy cooking breakfast for two. She heard the door open, heard Luna’s nails on the tile, and then Seth stepped inside. She didn’t look at him, but she heard his stillness.
He was thinking, wondering what the hell was happening.
“Smells good,” he said.
When she trusted herself to turn, she pasted on a smile. “I was hungry. Thought you might be, too.”
“Yeah, I am.” He was holding his balled up shirt in one hand. Sunlight filtered through the windows and caressed the curve of his chest. He studied her as if puzzled.
Me too, buddy, she thought.
“You have time to shower if that was your plan. I haven’t started the eggs yet.”
“Thanks.”
He left without another word and her heart fell a little as she watched his retreating back. It was like the first day he’d arrived when he’d been silent and brooding, walking away without explanation when he had somewhere he wanted to be.
They were back to being awkward then. Callie finished the bacon, letting it get crispy, then poured most of the grease into a dish so it could cool and she could scrape it into the trash. She put bread in the toaster, started to beat the eggs, and listened to the sound of water falling in the shower.
She didn’t have to imagine Seth naked in there now because she had a very accurate and detailed picture in her head.
By the time he returned, clad in jeans and boots and a fitted T-shirt that read The Salty Dawg Tavern. You Won’t Gag , she was putting breakfast on the table.
He grabbed the coffee pot and poured fresh coffee into their cups, then sat across from her while she put bacon, eggs, and toast on her plate.
Her heart thumped. She had no idea what to say. How to rewind the tape and start again.
“Charlie seemed happy this morning,” Seth said, buttering his toast. “He did that thing—what’s it called?—when I walked into the barn.”
Callie searched her brain. To be fair, she was scattered because so much of her was focused on not screwing this up, but it finally hit her what he meant.
“Nickered?”
He pointed the fork at her. “Yeah, that’s it. He nickered at me, so I scratched his neck and then got his food.”
There was a lump in her throat. “Thank you. I really can get up on time and feed him, and I will tomorrow. But I appreciate you taking care of him for me.”
“I’m up early anyway. Not a problem.”
Silence descended again.
“Food’s good,” Seth said. “Thanks for including me.”
“You’re welcome.”
More silence while she tried to think of what to say.
“What time is Nikki coming back today?”
“Uh, she’s supposed to text me, but I think it’ll be later this evening. They’re still at the hotel, but they’re heading to another farm before they start back.”
“That’s good. She having fun?”
“Yes. I should have let her go anyway because she’s having so much fun, but I guess it doesn’t matter how she got there. I’ll have to remember it the next time I start thinking she needs to stay home and do chores.” She tilted her head to study him as realization dawned. “Seth.”
“Yeah?” He looked wary.
She smiled. “You’ve been engaging in small talk. Initiating it.”
He arched an eyebrow. “No offense, Cal, but you’ve kinda sucked at it this morning. Somebody had to do it.”
That made her laugh. And it felt like familiar ground, which was good. “True. Sorry. I was trying to think of what to say but obviously not doing a good job of it.”
He looked interested. “Why not?”
And there it was again, the fluttering heart and racing pulse. “I, um—I’m just really sorry for yesterday. I might have overreacted.”
He shook his head. “You didn’t. I lied to you about a lot of things, because I had to, and then we hit you with a bucketload of shit at once. I’m sorry it had to be that way, but I get why you were pissed.”
She wanted to tell him that wasn’t what she was talking about, but the awkwardness and fear wouldn’t let her put her heart on the line like that. He’d had time to sleep on it. Maybe he’d changed his mind, too.
“Do you know what’s going to happen to Dr. Robbins yet?”
“No. I informed command and they’re working on it. That’s all I know.”
“You’ll tell me when you do?”
“I’ll tell you, Callie. You deserve to know.”
She moved her eggs around on the plate, her stomach tense. “Will you be leaving soon?”
He frowned. “I don’t know. I guess it depends on what we find out from your boss. If she’s involved in the break-in and the texts from Mikhail’s phone, then maybe so. But if not, I don’t know what’ll happen.”
“Okay.”
“Do you want me gone that bad?”
Her head whipped up, her gaze locking with his. “I…” She was at a loss. A complete loss. If she said she didn’t, would she be opening herself for rejection? Or should she play this cool, wait for him to say he didn’t want to go again?
“It’s okay, you don’t have to say it. I’ll ask Kane or Ethan to stay with you until this is over. I can shadow Nikki, make sure she’s safe going to the barn and back. I’ll still be involved, but you won’t have to live in the same house with me.”
“No,” she burst out. “That’s not what I mean at all. I…” She threw her hands in the air. “You were right. I’ve been hurt, and it makes me scared. I like you so much—really like you—and I’m afraid it’s not real. That you’re somehow punking me, that a film crew will jump out of the closet and yell, ‘Surprise!’ and there I’ll be, looking like an idiot and feeling a hundred times worse.”
She ran out of steam as he stared at her, his eyes widening. Then he growled, and before she knew what he was doing, he’d dragged her chair next to his and wrapped his arms around her. Callie turned her face into his chest and breathed him in, heart racing, eyes smarting, soul feeling like she’d found her way home after crawling across a desert.
“Fucking hell, baby, why would you think that?”
“Because it’s happened before,” she mumbled.
He pulled her onto his lap, and she curled into him, wrapping her arms around his neck. “Tell me. I need to know whose asses to kick.”
Callie laughed, a rusty sound. “It was high school, Seth. No need to hunt them down and kick their asses.”
“Fuck that. They’re adults now. Tell me.”
So she did. Every moment, from the invitation to homecoming to picking out her dress and being absolutely giddy. Then the drop to the bottom when Bobby kissed her and the cell phones flashed. She could feel his body tightening beneath her, and it was a beautiful thing. Because he was furious on her behalf. Coiled and ready to strike.
Just knowing it was enough.
“Those stupid pictures are still floating around on social media,” she said with a sigh, feeling like she’d let go of a thousand pound weight she’d been dragging around. “They didn’t even have the decency to delete them once we were mature enough to leave high school crap behind.”
“They’re gone, babe. Soon as I get a chance, they’re gone.”
She tipped her head back. “Bobby and Tara or the pictures?” Because he sounded so serious she wasn’t sure if she’d unleashed a beast or what.
“You tell me.”
“Seth.”
He grinned to let her know it was a joke, but then he was serious again. “I’ll wipe every trace from their feeds. Promise you that.”
“I’m not sixteen anymore. It’s okay.”
“Fuck that. Their bullshit almost cost me you. I’m not letting it stand. I’ve got the skills and the methods, and I’m erasing every mean comment and photo.”
She palmed his cheek because she could. It felt so right. “It’s okay, Seth. Really. You’re right that it bothered me, but I’ve realized, in telling you about what happened, that it doesn’t have power over me anymore. And, honestly, it wasn’t just that. It’s been a pattern of disappointment in what people say and what they actually do. I’ve learned it’s easier not to trust anyone.”
“Including me.”
“Yes. But I… I think I’m ready to try now.”
He kissed her, and her soul melted.
“I need you, Callie. I don’t know why, but I do.”
“I need you, too. But why is it breakfast which brings out the feels in us, huh?”
Yesterday it had been pancakes, and today it was bacon and eggs.
“It’s the most important meal of the day?”
Callie laughed. “Maybe.”
He kissed her again, but it wasn’t the kind of kiss that said they were going to end up in bed together anytime soon. It was sweet and hot but not desperately needy like before.
“Finish your breakfast, babe.”
“But I thought…”
He shook his head. “Nope, no sex. I’m not going there with you again until I’ve proven you can trust me. I told Nikki I wanted to date you, and that’s what we’re going to do. No sex until the fourth date at least.”
“Second.”
“Fourth. One date for each base and then we’re home free.”
“Sounds like torture.”
“Probably, but a little anticipation will make it sweeter, don’t you think?”
Callie sighed. “This is not going the way I’d hoped.”
He kissed the tip of her nose. “No, but it’s going the way it should.”