8. Logan
8
LOGAN
T he sun peeked over the bay, painting the glassy water in pinks and yellows. I hadn’t slept a wink.
Not that I expected to.
I should have gone back inside to get a catnap before I had to be on the road to catch my flight, but I knew I’d just stare at the ceiling.
The wood slats of Kristin and Will’s dock groaned as I stretched out on my back and stared up at the sky that was slowly lifting from darkness to dawn.
Pregnant .
The word hadn’t stopped ringing in my ears since the moment I’d heard it for the first time. Leah was pregnant. With my baby.
What the hell was I supposed to do?
It wasn’t like we were teenagers. I was thirty. I had a secure job that paid well, and Leah was a grown woman.
But I had never felt more disappointed in myself, terrified of the future, and sickeningly guilty.
I had walked out on her. Even I knew that I shouldn’t have done that.
Footsteps swished through the grass between the back of the house and the water’s edge. I didn’t even bother looking behind me to see who it was. I knew if I stayed out here long enough, Will would find me.
I guess part of me wanted him to.
“We have beds inside, you know,” Will said as he walked down the dock with two cups of coffee in hand.
I elbowed my way up to a sitting position and took the mug he offered.
Will groaned as he lowered down to sit beside me, watching the sunrise. “So either you hate the new mattresses we got a few months back, or there’s something on your mind.”
I just stared into the mug.
Will took a sip, then set his cup between us. "Considering you disappeared from your own birthday party, came back and hid in your room, then stayed up late after everyone left, I’m going to take a guess that something’s bothering you.”
“Are you asking as my boss or my brother-in-law?”
He looked at me with a curious tilt of his head. “I’m always asking as your family.”
I knew that was the answer before he said it. Will had never been anything but kind and patient with us four younger kids.
There were many nights, just like this, when I had confided in him about things I didn’t feel like I could say to my sister.
I loved Kristin, which was why I never wanted to be more of a burden on her than I had to be with her as my legal guardian.
“Leah’s pregnant,” I croaked.
Will sipped his coffee. “Yeah, I heard Kylie mention something about that. She’s a sweet girl,” he said casually.
I didn’t say anything else.
He studied me for a moment, his face growing serious. “Is that why you were out here all night?”
I shrugged. “Had a lot on my mind, I guess.”
“Logan . . .”
My knuckles turned white around the mug as I waited out the disappointment in his voice like the condemned waiting for the executioner. “Just say what you’re going to say.”
Will sighed. “Logan, are you the father of her baby?”
All I could do was nod. I was such a fucking coward.
He let out a heavy breath. “I didn’t even know you two were together.”
“We’re not,” I said. “It was . . . just once. After the wedding.”
He nodded. “I see.”
I set the mug aside and pressed the heels of my palms against my eyes. “I don’t know how to be a dad. Mine was a fucking drug dealer who killed a kid. Some shining example he was.”
Will hunched forward, resting his forearms on his knees as he thought, then looked over at me. “But do you know how to be a good person?”
“I thought I did.” A lump formed in my throat. “It’s all I’ve ever tried to be. But last night...I wasn’t good to her.”
“To Leah?”
I nodded.
“Is that where you disappeared to last night? To go see her?” he asked. Understanding dawned on him like a lightning strike. “You didn’t know...”
I shook my head. “Kylie mentioned it when we were about to play cards...told me how far along Leah was. I did the math.”
“That’s a shitty way to find out.”
“Sorry for ruining the party,” I muttered. “I owe Kris an apology.”
“That you do,” Will agreed. “But I think she’ll give you a pass, considering the circumstances.”
I shook my head. “Can we...keep this between us for now? I don’t think Leah wants Kylie to know it was me. She hasn’t told Ky.”
“Kristin can keep it quiet.”
“I’ll tell her. I just can’t handle it right now. She’s going to be disappointed in me.”
“Okay,” Will said as morning sunlight began to beam through the trees. “Take your time.”
“Is that it?”
Will chuckled, easing the tension. “You’re not a kid anymore. Now, if this had happened back when you were seventeen, I wouldn’t be keeping it from my wife. You’ve always been hard on yourself. I’m sure whatever self-flagellation is going on in your mind is enough to bear. Give yourself some grace. You’ll figure it out.”
I stared at the water. “I don’t know what to do.”
“What happened last night?”
“I went over there. She answered the door, threw up, then told me the baby was mine.”
“Must’ve been quite the wake-up call.”
“I think I was in shock,” I admitted.
Will nodded. “Leah probably understands that. She’s had a little more time to come to terms with it than you have. She was probably pretty shocked when she found out, too.”
“I saw the ultrasound photos...” I scrubbed my hands down my face, feeling like a stranger in my own skin.
“What was that like?” he prodded.
I laughed at the sky because I couldn’t fucking explain it. “She had them pinned on the fridge. And I—I wanted to ask her if I could take one.”
“Why didn’t you?”
I shrugged again.
Will tipped his head toward his next-door neighbor’s house—the DeRossis—where Leah had pulled into the driveway for work.
“Life is full of second chances, but third chances are rare,” he said as he stood and collected the two mugs. “Don’t waste them.”
I followed suit and nodded, feeling like the scolded teenager I had been when we’d first met. “Yes, sir.”
“And Logan.” Will paused halfway down the dock. “Being a good man doesn’t mean being a man who never makes mistakes. It’s about the kind of man you become when you do make one. I still think you’re a good man, Logan. In all the years we’ve been in each other’s lives, there’s never been a moment that I’ve doubted it. And if my opinion counts for anything, I’m not so sure this is a mistake.”
He disappeared up the yard and into the house as Leah eased out of her car. The coward in me was tempted to hide inside the house, but I knew that wasn’t the right thing to do.
Besides, she had already spotted me. The cheery face I had known for years wore a mask of cool indifference. I trudged through the yard before she could bolt.
“I didn’t think about the fact that you were probably staying at Kristin’s house,” Leah said when I was within earshot. She opened the back door and reached for an oversized tote bag that was overflowing with binders, chargers, craft supplies, and snacks.
I didn’t miss the ginger lollipops that had branded wrappers featuring a cartoon baby bump. Were those for morning sickness? Had she already been sick today? Was it a precaution or something she had to have on her at all times?
“Let me get that for you,” I said as I grabbed the handle of her tote.
“It’s fine. I can get it,” Leah argued as she reached for it.
The thing had to weigh at least fifty pounds. What else was she hiding in there? Bricks?
I pulled it off the backseat and shut the door. Leah reached for the bag, but I didn’t hand it over.
“Logan...” She sounded just as tired as I felt. Leah raked her hand through her hair. “I can’t do this right now.”
“I’m sorry,” I said as I tightened my grip on her bag. It was the only thing keeping her from walking inside the DeRossis’ house to start her workday. “I probably should have said that last night. I was just...I think I was in shock.”
Leah looked down at her feet. “That makes two of us.”
“I told Will,” I said as I glanced back at the house.
Leah’s head snapped up and she glared at me. “You what? But he’ll tell?—”
“I had to tell someone. I had to...Fuck, Leah. I didn’t know what to do. I still don’t.” I took a deep breath of cool morning air. “He won’t tell Kylie. He won’t tell anyone.”
She was quiet for a moment. “Fine.”
Without thinking, I dropped her bag and pulled her into my arms, but Leah was stiff as a board. “I’ll—um—I’ll call you when I get back to the city. We can...I don’t know. Figure something out so you don’t have to pay for everything. I’ll...do my part. I promise.”
Leah tensed. “That’s what you think?” She pushed away from me. “No thanks.”
I stood there, stunned. I was trying to figure this out, dammit! Why was doing the right thing so fucking hard?
“I don’t need a meal ticket,” she said with a bite to her words. “I do just fine on my own.”
Of that, I had no doubt. She worked for billionaire and millionaire families.
“Tell me what you need from me.”
“I don’t need anything,” she said as she locked the car.
The edge she put on the word ‘need’ threw me for a loop.
“I’m not looking for you to bankroll this child’s life. I’m not interested in having a half-assed baby daddy who sends cards on birthdays and a check once a month. Bills aren’t the only thing a child needs taken care of. I’m not going to force my child into a confusing relationship with their father because you can’t decide what side of the fence you want to sit on. If you’re out, that’s fine. I wasn’t planning on you being part of this anyway. You’re off the hook.”
Her words were a sucker punch.
Leah shouldered her heavy bag with ease. “Have a safe trip back.”