17. Logan
17
LOGAN
“ T hat’s enough,” I barked.
Dr. Holloway and her husband looked shocked. “Excuse you, young man,” Mr. Holloway said.
“You can take cheap shots at me all you want, but you will not speak to Leah that way,” I clipped.
“Logan, it’s fine,” Leah whispered.
Mr. Holloway guffawed. “Now, just who do you think you are?—”
“Who do I think I am?” I shot back. “It doesn’t matter who I think I am. It matters who Leah is. She’s your daughter. But more important than her being your daughter—and I mean that wholeheartedly—she’s the mother of my child.”
His face turned stony. We were frozen in a standoff as the server sidled up to the table and doled out plates in the tense silence.
Leah used the corner of her napkin to discreetly dab her eyes. Unfortunately, her mother still noticed.
“I’m not sure what you’re so upset about,” she said, rather nonplussed as she sipped her wine. “This was your doing, Leah. You know what they define as insanity. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”
“I think I’d like to go,” Leah whispered.
“That might be the definition of insanity.” I pulled out my wallet and dropped enough cash on the table to cover the bill and tip for the four completely untouched dinners. “But it usually doesn’t apply to a child wanting love and connection with their parents. I think the definition of insanity is the inability to put your feelings aside for the good of your child. Or maybe that’s the definition of selfishness. Either way, you’re the prime example of both.”
Leah stood and slipped her hand into mine. “The baby’s a boy, by the way. I just thought you’d like to know.”
She made it back to the car before completely breaking down into tears. The drive back to her place was made in silence, except for the quiet sniffles from the passenger seat.
I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t heartbroken. I was fucking furious.
Leah didn’t say anything until we were back at her door. “I’m really sorry about that,” she said as she slid the key into the lock and let herself in. “I’m not sure why I thought it would be a good idea.”
The unease and anxiety from earlier ate away at me. I tried to choke it down, but it just kept coming back.
“It’s not your fault. You have nothing to apologize for.”
“I don’t want to take up anymore of your night,” she said softly as she kicked off her shoes. “You already took time off work for the appointment today. I’m sure you have stuff to catch up on.”
Was I being dismissed? If she needed space, I didn’t want to crowd her.
“Call me if you need something,” I said as I double-checked that the door was locked behind me before pulling it shut.
Maybe I should have stayed, but I was about to crawl out of my skin, and I didn’t want her to have to deal with that too.
I nearly had a panic attack on the drive back to Kristin’s house. Sitting in my car felt like being trapped in a tin can that was slowly being crushed. When I pulled into the driveway, I didn’t even bother going inside. I needed space. Needed air. I headed down to the dock and sat on the edge, letting my feet hang over the water.
The footsteps through the grass ten minutes later weren’t a surprise. Will sat down beside me. We hadn’t talked since I left for the appointment this morning. When I got back to the house after the ultrasound, he was tied up in meetings.
“So what’s the verdict?” he said.
“It’s a boy.”
Will clapped me on the back. “Congratulations. How was dinner with the future grandparents?”
I just shook my head. “I fucked it up.”
“I doubt that. But tell me why you think so.”
I told him everything. There was no sense sparing what had been said. Maybe if I got it off my chest, I’d process it a little more, and let it go.
“You know, I think I disagree,” he said when I finished with my spiel.
I picked up a pebble that had made its way onto the dock, and skipped it across the calm waters of the bay. “What do you mean?”
“You stood up for Leah. You stood up for your baby. That’s not nothing, Logan. I’m sure it wasn’t nothing for Leah. She felt safe enough to tell you that she wanted to leave rather than sticking it out for the sake of maintaining the peace.”
“There’s no peace to maintain,” I muttered. “They hate me. I don’t think that’s ever going to change. They think I’m my dad. Like I’m some trailer trash screw-up.”
“And what do you think?” he prodded. “Because the person you allow others to think you are and treat you as is the person you will become.”
I picked at a groove on the dock. “I know I’m not my dad. But I don’t think they’re entirely wrong. I just...I don’t want to screw up this kid’s life. I’m not sure I’m the right person to be a parent.”
“Whether you’re there or not, you’re a parent.” Will sighed. “Your child deserves better than what you had. But being out of the picture isn’t giving him better. It’s giving him less. There’s a difference. You’re changing the quantity. You’re not changing the quality. That’s what you should be focused on. Be present.”
My throat tightened, because that’s exactly what Will had been for us. Sure, he was rich as hell and had changed our lives in ways I could hardly fathom sometimes, but he didn’t shower us with money and gifts. He was just there . He listened to Kylie talk about all her boy issues at sixteen. He helped me with school. He talked about books with Hunter, and never complained about playing ‘tea party’ with Zoey.
He was present and engaged.
“Kristin and I never had kids of our own. We had you guys. So any parenting advice I have should be taken with a grain of salt,” Will said with a laugh. “But what I learned from Kris telling me about raising Zoey since she was a baby is that it’s not about going from zero to a hundred. It’s about being present and willing. Be there on day one. Change the diapers. Rock him to sleep. Help Leah with feeding. The parenting crises where you wonder if you’re ruining them for their entire lives will come later. But by then, you’re not sitting at the starting line. You’re somewhere in the middle and you know you’re capable. Diapers and bottles are the baby steps. Start with Leah. Help her. Be there for her.”
I didn’t say anything, just kicked at the water.
“So, how I see it, is that you didn’t fuck it up entirely,” he said. “You stood up for Leah. You set a boundary and made it clear that their treatment of the two of you is unacceptable, and you walked away together. That shows strength, not weakness.”
“Saying that I didn’t fuck it up entirely means I still fucked up.”
Will chuckled. “You’re fucking it up by being here. Did you already forget what I said thirty seconds ago? Start with Leah. Be there for her first. If she’s your priority, the parenting thing will fall in line because you’re on the same team.”
“I don’t think she’s interested in anything romantic,” I admitted.
“Are you?” he pressed.
I shrugged. “I’m not opposed to the idea.”
Will chuckled. “It’s a yes or no question, Logan.”
“Yes,” I admitted. “But I don’t think she’s there. She doesn’t actually need me for much.”
“How do you know if you don’t try?” he asked. “Show her that she’s your priority. Show her what she means to you. Show her that you’re all in.”
This time I left Will to stew on the dock.
I jogged into the house and threw my shit into a bag. I made one stop before flooring it back to Leah’s apartment within the hour.
Thank goodness for small towns.
I tried to let myself in, but the door was locked. At least she was safe.
I shuffled the two takeout containers into one hand and knocked. There was a thump and a scuffle inside before the door finally opened.
“What are you?—”
I cut her off with a kiss.
Leah squeaked, stumbling back into the apartment. I dropped the takeout containers onto the kitchen counter and let my duffel bag fall from my shoulder.
“Logan,” she said in a gasp as she panted for breath. Her fingers curled around the front of my dress shirt. “What the hell was that for?”
I reached into her hair and opened the claw clip that held it in a pile, letting it spill in waves down her back. “I’m sorry I walked away. I shouldn’t have left. Let me make it up to you.”
Her eyes went wide, and she blinked in shock. Then, she nodded.
I didn’t need to be told twice. Everything I had felt for Leah Holloway and tried to suppress spilled forth as I kicked the door shut and scooped her into my arms like a bride.
“Oh my god. I meant the food. I’m starving. Please don’t drop me,” she squealed as she protectively circled her belly with her arms. She cradled our baby while I cradled her.
“The food can be reheated. I want to eat you,” I said as I strode into her bedroom and gently laid her out on the mattress.
“Logan!” Leah shrieked. But it wasn’t in fear or trepidation. It was that bubbly laugh I hadn’t heard since the night both of our lives changed. Except this time, we were both stone-cold sober.
The knee-length dress she was in was made of stretchy material that clung to every winding curve and valley of her body. It was a deep blue that made me think of the vastest oceans. Uncharted. Uncontainable. Unfathomable. Riveting and untamed.
“Let me make you feel good,” I whispered against her lips as I stretched out above her.
Leah nodded, her breath catching in her throat as she said, “Yes.”
I wedged pillows behind her back and shoulders to keep her supported before running my hands up and down her thighs, going higher and higher beneath her dress with each pass.
“I have a confession,” I said as I yanked her underwear down in one swift motion.
Leah’s hands tangled in the sheets as I parted her legs. “What’s that?” she said between ragged breaths.
“Do you remember that night? You recorded a voice note consenting to having sex?”
Leah nodded.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket. “It never stopped recording.” I slid one hand between her thighs and dragged my fingers through her drenched sex. “That night—you and me—I’ve listened to us making love every night since that one. A hundred and fifty times, honeybee. That’s how many times I’ve listened to the sound of you coming on my cock. That’s how many times I’ve heard you call what we did a fantasy.”
I slid two fingers into her tight pussy and stroked. Leah tipped her head back and cried out in desperate ecstasy.
“That’s how many times I’ve listened to you make that fucking sound. All I’ve wanted is to hear you make it again.” I thumbed her clit. “Last time I fulfilled your fantasy. Now it’s time for you to fulfill mine. Be a good girl and make that sound again for me, Leah.”
I set the phone on the pillow beside her head and pressed play. I wanted to torture her with the fantasy of us. Of how good we had been together. How good we had felt together.
The sound of the two of us panting filled the room as the recording played. I grabbed Leah’s thighs and pushed them apart before teasing her with one long, slow lick up her slit.
Her moan melded with the one I had listened to over and over again as she melted into the bed.
“That’s my girl.”
I teased her clit with the flat of my tongue. Leah fisted the sheets, letting out a sharp gasp when I crooked my fingers inside of her. Her legs tightened around my shoulders, trying to squeeze shut. I sucked on her clit as I grabbed her thighs and pushed them apart.
“Nice and wide for me, gorgeous. Give me room to please you,” I murmured as I lapped at her center and scissored my fingers inside of her pussy, stretching and teasing her with each pass.
“Oh my god,” she whispered in a panic. “Slow down or I’m gonna?—”
She didn’t get the words out. Leah arched her back and clapped her hands over her mouth as she came.
The fabric of her dress pooled around her hips, and I wanted it fucking gone .
“Lift your hips for me,” I said as I eased up onto my knees. “I want this dress off so I can see you.”
Leah reached out and squeezed the bulge in my pants as she caught her breath. “You can fuck me just like this.”
I captured her wrists in my hand and pinned them above her head as I straddled her hips. “You’re carrying my child, sweetheart. Take your dress off so that I can worship your body properly.”