Chapter 23 – Rosie
ROSIE
Dropping off Charlie at Stella’s goes smoothly. For not using a babysitter often, Charlie has taken to being cared for by Stella and Beck easily. Despite it being early, Stella and Max are wide awake.
“I should only be a few hours,” I assure Stella when I pull her into a hug.
“Don’t worry about it. Take your time. You can’t rush things like this.”
“I know. Thank you.” I wave and hurry back to Dottie’s little car.
Of course I couldn’t spread Dottie’s ashes in the ocean by her cottage. She specifically requested I spread them in the waters on the island. It’s a process to get there. I have to take the ferry.
At lease it isn’t crowded at this time of the day. Mostly fishermen and people who work on the island but choose to live in Golden Harbor. After I park my car and ensure it’s secure, I climb out and lock it, then head to the upper deck in search of coffee.
After I order and pay—and pray it’s good—I take my coffee and stroll to the end of the ferry to look out at the water.
The sun is already rising and golden hues paint the sky.
It’s beautiful. The spray can’t be felt this high off the waters, but I close my eyes and allow the light and cool morning breeze hit my face.
After an inhale and exhale, I open my eyes again and take a sip of the coffee.
It’s hot and nearly burns my tongue, but it’s good. No Starbucks like I’ve gotten used to living in Seattle and West reloading my app constantly. But it’s not bad.
I glance around and spot a few fishermen My curiosity is getting the best of me, wondering if Beck is on this ferry or if he left even earlier.
Or maybe a part of me does wish he were here with me to make this easier.
He’s always been good about centering me.
Just like I’ve always been good about calming him.
I slide my phone from my pocket and I’m tempted to text him.
But when it lights up, the ‘SOS Only’ signal appears on my screen.
Great. No service on the ferry. It’s probably best this way.
I shove my phone back into my pocket and gaze out at the island in the distance.
Even if he’s almost all I can think about.
Being in Golden Harbor, in Beck’s orbit again…He and Charlie spending time together—it’s thrown me into more of a spin than I expected. While I knew some lingering feelings might resurface, I hadn’t expected them to be this strong. Or that Beck would still be harboring feelings as well.
I groan aloud and take a slow sip of my coffee, being extra careful this time. The sweetness of the honey hits my tastebuds this time and the heavenly brew touches my soul in a way that’s unexplainable to a person who doesn’t drink coffee. How do people not drink coffee?
I don’t want to rush today. Like Stella said, this is important.
Dottie specifically asked me to do this.
I need to take the time that’s needed to do it right.
To remember and honor her. I may not be able to fulfill her request of moving back to Golden Harbor and living in her house, but I will make her final wishes happen.
After the ferry reaches the port and I’m back in the car, I follow in the line, inching my way off and onto the two-lane road that will take me into the main part of the island.
I recognize most of the places I pass. A grocery store, a taco stand, a bar.
Except the bar has a new sign. A fresh coat of pain. A new name too: The Thirsty Turtle.
It’s Beck’s dad’s bar. I pull into the lot without thinking and park the car haphazardly. My heart rate picks up speed and like a dummy, I contemplate knocking on the door. They’re closed now, but Beck said his dad lives in the upstairs apartment.
There’s a truck parked out front, but my brain finally plays catch up with my heart and I remember. They’re fishing. Probably at the marina, which means I’ll be spreading Dottie’s ashes on the opposite side of the island.
My phone buzzes as it connects to service and when I check it, my heart does a little jump in my chest.
Beck
I know I’m not your first choice but let me know if you need anything
But I don’t trust myself to respond. I only heart his message and swipe to my other texts.
Hannah
I miss you already!
It’s been pouring since yesterday
Better get the spare room ready for me. I need some sun in my life!
Smiling, I tap out a reply, telling her she’s welcome anytime.
Stella
Charlie is currently teaching Max his colors with crayons. Mind if I keep her for a few days?
Guessing you’re still on the ferry and don’t have service
If you bring me some seafoam chocolate I’ll be your best friend
You already are my best friend
I pull out into traffic again and onto the main road that leads to the beach.
The traffic is picking up now that it’s later in the morning.
Folks getting kids to school, getting onto the ferry, getting to work.
Everything moves the same here as in Golden Harbor, the same as in Seattle really.
Just on a smaller scale. Maybe even a simpler scale.
There are a few beaches down off the main road. But I’m trying to find the perfect one. In Dottie’s mind, it apparently exists. But could she specify and help me out—no.
When I was young, Grandma Dottie brought me to the island a few times.
As a child, I found the ferry ride exciting and the shops off the main road overwhelming, filled with beach toys and trinkets.
But the stretch of one small beach after another was my favorite.
The shell selection is better on the island than in Golden Harbor.
As a teenager, I came to the island with friends.
Beck and Stella, sometimes Jack, Daisy, and Christian.
Back then the island allowed bonfires on the beaches.
We’d stay late and sleep in our cars even though we weren’t supposed to.
But the last ferry leaves strictly at five year-round, long before the sun goes down.
Since it’s still early, I stop at a strip mall with several coastal shops and a fish and chips shop on the corner.
When I enter the first shop, it’s packed full of stationary, painted wooden block signs with silly quotes, and stuffed animals that Charlie would go nuts over.
I can’t resist looking at and touching everything.
I’m so used to bringing Charlie with me and reminding her to not touch anything that it’s like I’m making up for it.
I pick up a card for Stella that has two sea turtles sipping margaritas.
And because I don’t want to leave Daisy out, I find a Slug Bug keychain and buy it for her.
In the next store, there’s a coloring book I know Charlie will love.
I pick it up for her instead of a new stuffed animal, since Beck has gotten her some recently.
My mind goes to Beck, but I try to push him to the back of it.
Maybe it’s because he’s on the island now.
Knowing he’s so close is keeping a continued buzz in my brain.
It’s tempting to text him. To take him up on his offer to meet me so I don’t have to be alone while spreading Dottie’s ashes.
But I can’t keep relying on him to do the hard things.
And things are too awkward between us right now.
After I purchase the coloring book, I push out of the store and onto the sidewalk where the scent of the ocean and deep-fried seafood fills the air. It’s been forever since I’ve had fish and chips. West doesn’t like seafood, so we never get it.
I walk to the corner and order my lunch from the window.
While I wait for my number to be called, I scroll social media and sit at a wooden picnic table where the blue paint is weathered and chipping.
A woman with an apron tied around her waist and a pencil behind her ear approaches my table.
In one hand she has a cardboard basket with fish and chips and in the other a bottle of water.
“Here ya go, dear. Guess you didn’t hear your number being called. ”
“I’m so sorry.” I bite my lip and accept my lunch from her.
“Ah, no worries. You looked a bit distracted.” She wipes her palms across her apron and gives me a sweet smile. “Enjoy.”
“Thank you.” I return the smile and gaze at my food with appreciation as my mouth waters.
Say what you will about seafood, but you can’t go to the beach without eating it. Even if it upsets my stomach, it will be worth it. I’ve got no plans but snuggling Charlie on the couch tonight and watching one of her favorite movies.
My phone vibrates while it rests on the wood tabletop.
West
Just wanted to check if you made it to the island and see how Charlie liked the ferry ride
I thought it would be better if I did this alone so I didn’t bring her with me. I left her with Stella
The bubbles appear and then disappear. They appear again but same thing, they disappear.
Apprehension settles in my stomach and I pick up a piece of fish, breaking it in half and dipping it into the tartar sauce.
It’s perfect. Flaky but not dry and not smelly.
That’s key to good, deep-fried fish. That it doesn’t actually smell like fish.
I try a few of the fries and the greasy residue doesn’t stick to the top of my mouth. They’re hot and delicious.
My phone buzzes.
“Ugh.” I groan out loud when I see West’s name across my screen again. It’s not as if we agreed on a no contact arrangement, but I suppose I assumed it.
West
You should’ve asked me first before leaving Charlie with a stranger
My eyes widen and my stomach bottoms out as I reread his text several times before I finally respond.
Stella isn’t a stranger. I’ve known her for years. And Charlie is comfortable with her
West
She’s a stranger to me
A shiver of anger races across of my skin.
Did you ask me if you could leave Charlie with Piper before I met her?
West
I don’t want to fight with you
Then stop texting me
West
Regardless what happens between us, I still expect to have a relationship with Charlie
I’m about to go into a meeting I’ll call you later
Please don’t
I slam my phone down on top of the picnic table.
The lady who brought out my food meets my gaze and raises a quizzical brow.
I force a smile despite the tears swimming in my eyes and glance down at my basket of food that moments ago looked like the best thing I would experience today. Now, my stomach recoils at the sight.
Swiping the bottle off the table, I retrieve a few pain pills from my purse and chug the water, having difficulty swallowing them down.
Anger sears my skin, and I blink long and hard to fight the impending tears.
Who does he think he is? Charlie is my daughter.
I could’ve argued that point with him, but I had been letting him help with some of the parental things.
My phone rings but I quickly silence it. Letting the both of us cool off and get our heads on straight before we communicate again is probably a good idea.
I eat the rest of my fries, wash them down with my water, and then chuck it all into the trash before I follow the sidewalk back to where Dottie’s car is parked. Once I’m safely back inside and buckled in, I burst into tears.
It takes parking and scoping out three beaches before I pick the one that feels perfect. I have to silence the voices telling me that Dottie might not agree. That she might complain about something or everything about the beach I’ve chosen.
But what does it matter? I’m half tempted to keep her ashes and bring them back home with me to Seattle. She won’t know if I spread them or not.
Or maybe she will. Maybe Dottie’s looking down on me from heaven right now. And maybe she’s giving me those disapproving drawn-on eyebrows and faulting me for not choosing to stay in Golden Harbor. For not choosing to find a way to piece my family together.
Honestly, I’d give anything to have her here with me right now, telling me what to do.