Chapter 9
Farrah made sure everything she wanted happened. Before we left the building, they did more blood tests, a CT scan, and another ultrasound. The deeper examination showed lumps that had a ball form in my throat. It meant I had to get a biopsy.
Now, a few weeks later, Farrah and I are sitting in my family doctor’s office. She has a notebook like she is ready to jot down everything he says.
I’m too busy trying to focus on breathing to even register that I might need to remember this in more detail than my mind alone is capable of.
He looks just as upset to be here. He clears his throat, bringing his folded hands to rest on the desk.
“I’m sorry to have to say this, but you have Stage Two ovarian germ cell cancer.”
Farrah gasps, and I close my eyes.
There is silence in the room as we all process what he said.
Cancer. I have cancer. I was right to assume before that a baby would have been better than whatever has come out of this now.
I’m thirty-two and I have Stage Two cancer.
My brain tries to let that statement sink in, but it keeps bouncing off my disbelief.
There was never any indication that this would be the turn my life would take. But why would there be?
“How?” I hear myself ask, my voice as raw as my nerve endings seem to be.
“I can break down how cancer grows, but I don’t think that is what you’re asking me. There is no solid explanation for how or who this tends to happen to. Unless you have it in your family.”
As if leaving us when I was a kid wasn’t enough, the lack of information on her side means it could possibly come from them. Had I known her, would I have been able to see this coming? Would I have been tested for it before?
“What now?” I let go of the past and look towards a future that looks like a never-ending tunnel. We are at the opening and I can’t see the other side.
“I will need to refer you to an oncologist for treatment. They will go over the plan of how we will beat this.”
He sounds so sure that I wonder if he is allowed to do that. Is he allowed to give me hope? I don’t need that right now. I need information.
Before Farrah can jump in and start to lead the conversation, I do. I make sure to ask every question that comes to mind, grabbing her notebook from her. Whatever shock overcame me at the start fades as a new determination takes hold.
I’ll have my time to fall apart. I will find a moment to cry. Right now, I need to put on my armor and get ready to fight whatever is going to come next.
Farrah squeezes my hand, letting me know I’m not alone in this battle. When we stand up, I pull my hand from hers, not ready for her to actually be by my side.
He walks us out and lets me know the oncologist will call me for an appointment. The whole time, he looks like he was just given the diagnosis.
“I’m going back to LA,” I say once we reach the elevator.
“Okay, I’ll come with you.”
“No, I don’t want you to.” I don’t look at her, not ready to face her reaction on top of everything I’m already feeling.
“I’m not going to leave you alone.” She grabs for my hand again, but I step outside her reach.
“I want to be alone right now.” I hate that my voice shakes, and that she takes that as a sign to give me a hug. I’ve leaned on her enough this month.
“You shouldn’t be by yourself. I don’t care what you say.
” The elevator opens, and we step inside.
The last thing I need is for us to be stuck in this unescapable place together.
She steps into my view, making me see the pinched corners of her eyes, her pulled thin lips, and that she is breathing from her nose.
“Farrah, stop trying to force me to do what you would.”
“Damnit, Monty, you can’t process this on your own.”
The sigh I let out feels like the last of my patience has left my body.
“I’m not going to process this. I’m going to put on a videogame, get lost in the gameplay, and not think about anything.”
“Then I will sit with you.”
The door opens, and I’m so thankful that I don’t think twice when I push past her. Storming out of the building, I don’t look back when she calls my name. Stubborn to a fault, she doesn’t take that as a clue to leave me alone and runs up next to me, impressively fast on her heels.
“Whether or not you like it, I’m coming.”
I stop my hands from coming up to grip my face the way I wish I could grip hers.
“Farrah! Do you really think what I need right now is to be arguing with you?”
“No, but—”
“Okay then, leave me alone.”
This time, she doesn’t follow me when I walk to my car.
A twenty-four-hour binge that results in no sleep, way too much candy, and empty energy drink cans surrounding me has somehow not distracted me the way I hoped, leaving me staring at the ceiling in my bedroom.
It’s been long enough that I’ve become well acquainted with the possible watermark next to the light.
I call it Casper, because I feel like its gentle existence is teaching me something, all while haunting me.
Or maybe I have reached the point of being delusional. Does it matter?
The buzz of my phone has me rolling over to see that Farrah has sent another check-in text. All I can manage is a thumbs-up, which doesn’t seem to satisfy her because it now starts to ring.
“Ugh,” I yawn out, throwing the pillow on my head. I wait for the phone to go quiet again before I remove it.
At least I’m so tired I can’t be sad. Even though I’m really sad. No, sad is the wrong word. Distraught? Heartbroken? Scared shitless? Something along those lines. The way my chest constricts and my hands shake, one of those has to apply.
I wish I could sleep so that I could avoid all of this, but every time I close my eyes, my fears manifest as nightmares. I try again, and in seconds, my heart rate goes up as I imagine the tumors ripping through my skin.
“Fine!” I scream at no one and sit up.
Walking over to the fridge, I grab another energy drink and pop it open. Looking to see that it has now been almost thirty-one hours since I woke up yesterday, I figure what is another six hours going to do?
Plopping down on my bed again, I grab my controller, bring up the screen, and press start for the next round.
Before I can really get into exploring the forest outside the city gate, my phone rings again.
“Farrah, I’m fine,” I practically yell into the line.
“That’s great to hear, sweetheart, but I’m not Farrah.”
“Callahan?” Feeling like somehow he can see me, I smooth down my hair that is insistent on sticking up at every angle. My shirt, stretched and stained from Doritos, seems less okay now that we’re talking.
“Yeah, you miss me?”
I actually do. Every time I try not to think about him, it’s like trying to run through a yellow light; I never quite make it before it turns red.
“Why are you calling me?”
“I guess to talk, catch up, convince you to go on a date with me.”
I take a big gulp of my drink and sit back, sinking into the conversation.
“So you’re in San Francisco now?” I ask.
“Yeah, just got settled into my place. I think you would like it. It has double sinks in the primary bathroom.”
“Oh my god.” I press my hand to my cheeks, trying to fight them from lifting. He still hears the smile in my voice.
“It also has a walk-in closet. I don’t know if you noticed, but I don’t have a lot of clothes. Plenty of room for someone else.” I can see his cheeky grin even through the phone, sure that his pink lips are poking out from his thick beard.
“Tell me what else it has.”
“Well, I thought you might like somewhere with an open concept and a bay window. Cost a lung and a limb, but it’s pretty.”
“Are you sure you aren’t doing something illegal to afford this?” Hoping I didn’t hit a sore spot, I feel relieved when I hear him chuckle.
“People just pay me because I’m so damn sexy.”
“Can I get in on this business?”
“Paying me or getting paid? Because I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I want to spoil you senseless just to see those eyes light up.”
Somehow, despite my current reality, my eyes do light up. Without knowing it, he is capable of doing the thing I have been trying to do all day. I’m finally distracted.
We go back and forth with light flirtation and a few jabs on my side. It never hits anything too deep, but it’s just enough that, for a moment, nothing else is happening in my life. When I yawn three times, he finally asks me if I’m tired.
“Yeah, I stayed up all night playing Wonderlust. It’s this fairy game where you’re fighting for your land not to be conquered by the dark knight.”
“Never been one for video games myself, but the excitement in your voice lets me know I would like watching you play.”
I love playing with other people around. It was Charlie who introduced me to this game in the first place.
“Yeah, well, that probably won’t happen.”
“Why not?”
Saying I might die seems dramatic when what I really mean is I might not be up to seeing anyone for a while. At least not for that long.
However, if I’m going to spend an hour talking to him on the phone, I should probably call Charlie or Farrah. Still, I don’t hang up.
“Can I ask you a question?” I ask, bypassing his.
“Sure.”
“Why do you like me so much? You barely know me.” I suck my lower lip into my mouth biting down on it. For some reason, the answer to this question matters.
“When I first saw you, it was like life finally made sense. Like your eyes held all the answers to questions I’ve been asking myself for years.
But when you jumped into that fight with my family, it was confirmation for me that you were always meant to be there.
Everything since then has just further proven this.
Especially when you cared enough to hear me out about why I was upset.
Every time we talk, I find a new reason to like you, but something in my core is just telling me we’re supposed to be together. ”