Chapter 18 This Bathroom Stall is My Safe Place
THIS BATHROOM STALL IS MY SAFE PLACE
SEYOON
“This might be a little too private.”
Dean squirms, but there’s not much room to move when he’s jammed against the stall door. I throw my hands up from where I’m wedged uncomfortably behind the toilet.
“Oh, I’m sorry, your highness. Is this porcelain throne not good enough for you? Besides, can you think of somewhere else where we won’t be overheard or caught on tape?”
He sighs in defeat. Outside of Garrett’s cabin, the bathroom is the only place where we’re allowed to turn our mics off.
Hey, you think I’m happy about this? I’m not.
This is an awkward enough conversation to have as it is; the toilet in between us isn’t exactly helping.
And we can’t just stand next to the sinks.
There’s a tiny window in the door—frosted, for privacy—but it’s not worth risking someone walking by and seeing us.
“Let’s just hurry up and talk through our options,” Dean says.
“By options, you mean pretending to be a couple so that Garrett can market us as his star-crossed lovers or whatever and cut himself a big fat check?”
“Look, I’m not saying I like the idea, but he did make a good point. If the others think we’re together like—like that, our alliance will be more credible. A united front is a good strategy to have in a game like this. I’ve seen it done before.”
I narrow my eyes and cross my arms. His argument isn’t convincing me, and he knows it.
“Listen. Earlier today, when the others found us… like that and started thinking we’re a couple, I overheard a few people talking,” Dean tries again. “They’re scared of us. They know we pose a real threat together. But on our own? They think we’re weak.”
The cold from the tile wall against my back runs down my spine. “Weak?” I ask, straightening.
Dean visibly swallows. “They mostly think I’m the weak one. But they also pointed out our rankings in the first challenge.”
At the mention of the first challenge, sticky humiliation slathers over my skin. Everyone saw me fail. Worse: Try and fail. They knew from that very first moment that I wasn’t good enough.
But I am. I have to be.
I bite the inside of my cheek until the taste of copper overwhelms my senses, distracting me from the shame sloshing around my gut.
Dean visibly swallows, unnerved by my silence. He shifts his weight onto his other foot. Then he takes a step forward, impossibly close in this already-tight stall.
“Seyoon.” Dean says my name like it’s a favor.
I crane my neck to meet his gaze. “You’re stronger than me.
We know it. That’s the thing; if I wasn’t in an alliance with you, everyone would peg me as an easy target.
Because I am. But when I’m with you…” He pushes his hair out of his pink face, turning away.
“When I’m with you, I can do things I can’t on my own.
Like start a fire. And be thought of as someone strong.
I actually believe I have a real shot at winning when I’m with you. ”
My mouth parts. Dean speaks before I can.
“But I know you need to win, too, and you don’t need me for that. Or anyone, really. So…” He breaks off into an awkward laugh. Dean steps back, scratching his neck. “I’m not making a great case for why you should do me this favor, am I?”
A huff of amusement falls from my own lips. “Not really,” I say, but I trail off.
Dean thinks I don’t need him to win? That I don’t need anyone?
I expected that sentiment to make me feel good about myself.
But instead, my stomach drops further. It rings a little too close to what Amelia told me the last time we ever spoke.
During our last game being friends or teammates.
I took it as her being bitter. A sore loser.
But… but it wasn’t us who let rivalry get in the way of things. It was me.
I stay mostly still, but it feels like everything inside me is falling into a crack in the earth, leaving only the hollow shell of my body behind. “I…”
I know the real reason I’ve never gone to a slumber party. I know why I was never invited to weekly coffee runs with the gymnastics girls. I know the track team didn’t just forget to invite me to post-meet hangouts. I know. I already know.
I’ve prided myself more on being a winner than a teammate.
Dean waits patiently at the other end of the stall, holding his breath while mine leaves me in shallow spurts. He watches me as if I’m some spooked animal, like he’s trying not to startle me into turning him down.
What kind of teammate am I to give him the impression that I don’t need him just as much as he needs me?
I lick my lips and say, “Why do you think I wanted to form an alliance with you?”
Dean blinks. “I assumed for the bonus points. And to stick it to Carter and Garrett.”
“It’s because I wanted to work with you.
” I punctuate my point by stepping forward and tapping his sternum.
“The asshole who placed second in Mountain Marathon because he’s smart, and the nerd who’s seen every season of Forest Feud.
You’re strong in the ways I’m not.” Suddenly too exposed under Dean’s wide-eyed stare, I cross my arms and shrug.
“You’re the expert when it comes to strategy stuff.
If you think pretending to be in a relationship will get us ahead of the game, then…
I trust you. Let’s play the part, lover boy. ”
He huffs in disbelief. “Really?”
“Yeah. Unless this was just an excuse for you to flirt with me?”
He sputters, his face beet red now, and I crack, bursting into laughter.
Dean glares at me. “Do you ever get tired of being such a jackass?”
“No, it comes very easily to me. Much like everything else.”
“Yeah, it does.” He rolls his eyes, but then after a small, quiet moment, he shoots me a smile. “Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me. This is for me, too. Teammates, right?”
I hold my fist out to him. He bumps it with his own.
With that settled, Dean turns the lock on the door and lets himself out. I follow after, stretching my cramped arms above my head.
“If we’re doing this, we probably need to sell it to the others, right?” I ask his turned back. “Should we consummate the relationship or something?”
Dean whips around with a petrified look on his face. “What?” he squeaks.