Chapter 29
WHAT’S A LITTLE MAKE-OUT SESSION BETWEEN FRIENDS?
DEAN
I am, understandably, distraught.
You would be, too, if you were teammates-slash-friends-slash-fake lovers with a beautiful girl who has a penchant for ignoring personal space and wants to spend every minute of the day together.
Alright. Listed out like that, it sounds like a dream scenario.
The unfortunate reality is that this is just pretend.
At least, for her it is. She said it herself—we’re teammates.
That’s all; we’re only working together because of a common goal.
We may as well be coworkers. Coworkers who need to pretend to be madly in love so they don’t get fired. This would be an HR nightmare.
I didn’t get much rest last night, both because of my distressing revelation and because of the rock under my back. We fell asleep stargazing and barely woke up in time to hurry back to camp, piles of blankets in our arms, before anybody realized we were gone.
Good thing today’s only a media day—my brain is too fried for a challenge.
The professional photographers roll into camp, lugging big camera bags and equipment to shoot promo photos for the show.
The hour in hair and makeup is painful, but not as painful as spending the whole morning getting my picture taken.
“The final five,” Garrett says with bravado as the photographer poses us in the middle of camp. “Once the show starts airing, we’ll be pushing major promo around you kids. Isn’t that exciting?”
“This could help my chances of being scouted by a talent agent,” Vendredi mumbles through her smile.
“This could help my chances of looking really, really cool,” Siddharth says, posing for the camera.
My eyes keep drifting to Seyoon the whole time.
I’m fucked. Why her, of all people? I mean, she’s my type to a T.
And also way out of my league. Under different circumstances, I could stretch the limits of my imagination to conjure up a reality where Seyoon could maybe, potentially, possibly return my feelings.
But that’s not this reality. Because in this one, she wants one thing and one thing only: to win.
It’s the most important thing to her. I know that.
I tear my gaze away before my chest starts panging again.
My cheeks hurt from fake-smiling each time a flash goes off.
This is exhausting. Being on TV is draining.
I miss the library at school. I miss reading with my book-club friends.
And reality-TV nights with Dad. And hanging out in Meredith’s room.
Oh, I miss Meredith. She’s the only person I could talk to about—
Somebody elbows me. Seyoon. “Earth to Dean? They’re doing solo shots for Carter now.”
Everyone but me has exited the shot. Carter glares impatiently.
I scurry out of the way. Seyoon steers us away from the crowd of photographers and crew members to a quiet corner of the glade.
The stylist did her hair nicely today. Loose waves cascade down her back, and her bangs frame her face perfectly.
Either the heat or makeup paints a rosy glow on her cheeks.
She glances around and, satisfied that no one’s paying us attention, turns off her clip-on mic and gestures for me to do the same.
“Did you hear what Siddharth and Vendredi were talking about earlier? Before the group photos?”
I shake my head. My attention was otherwise preoccupied.
“They were talking about us,” she whispers. “Sidd thought it was weird we wouldn’t kiss yesterday when we made up on camera. Vendredi said we might still be together, though, because I didn’t take her up on her offer, but this isn’t good. They think our alliance is on the rocks.”
“Wait,” I stop her. “What offer?”
She stiffens. “Oh. After we… broke up last challenge, Vendredi asked me to join her and Beck’s alliance.”
My heart sinks. The noise of the crowd mutes to a dull hum.
“I didn’t take her up on it, obviously,” Seyoon hurries to say. “She was just being nice. She thought things were over between us.”
I must still be making a face, because Seyoon grabs my hand and squeezes it. “Dean. We’re partners.”
I know what she means, but my body tingles to hear her call us partners. It’s nice to imagine she means more.
Okay. Jesus. Less pathetic next time, please.
“Right. Yeah,” I say. “Well, it’s not good that our public apology wasn’t enough”
“You think? Come on, President Nerd, you’re the strategist here. How do we prove we’re not just back together but stronger than before?”
I look out on the horizon, thinking. The lake shimmers under the sun, blinding me.
“Last time we tried convincing people we were together, we faked that kiss on the paddleboard,” I say. “So, we’ll probably need to top that.”
She snaps her fingers. “Genius. Come with me.”
I’m not given much choice. We sneak farther away, behind our cabin, just into the treeline of the surrounding woods.
It’s cooler here in the shadows, but Seyoon’s face only blazes redder.
My heart works overtime at the proximity.
Why did I have to develop a big, fat, annoying crush on her?
This is what I get for fraternizing with the enemy.
“What are we doing here, Seyoon?”
“You said we needed to top our plan from last time. What’s better than a fake kiss? A real one.”
We both blink dumbly at each other.
“Huh?” I say.
“‘Huh’? Didn’t you hear me?”
“Yeah, I did, that’s why I said ‘Huh?’”
Seyoon frowns, maybe to distract from her blush, which is starting to spread everywhere, even across her throat and under the collar of her—focus.
“This worked last time, didn’t it?” she says.
“Yeah, but,” I sputter, “that was just pretend. And for the cameras. No one can see us back here.”
“We don’t need the cameras to see this part. And pretend’s not going to cut it—I don’t want to risk the others or the viewers figuring out we’ve been faking it the whole time. Everyone will hate us for tricking them.”
Seyoon drops her gaze, and from the way her voice lowers, I can tell this is her real motive.
“I… I hate that I wasn’t able to do this.
Kiss you. I froze when Blake asked us to during our make-up scene, and that bothers me.
After I stalled in the first challenge, I promised myself I’d never freeze again.
I want to prove that I can do this.” She drags her eyes back up, gazing at me through long, straight lashes.
“So… do you want to? You know. Kiss me?”
Of course I want to. My eyes haven’t stopped tracing the curve of her lips the whole time she’s been talking. They’re a deep orange-red from the lipstick the makeup department put on her. But this wouldn’t feel right. Not now, not when I want to for a very different reason than she does.
It takes all the willpower I have to step away. “We shouldn’t.”
She takes a step forward and plants her palm over my racing heart. Those soft, pouty lips utter, “Please?” and my brain short-circuits.
Well, I used all the willpower I had to step back earlier. I’m out now.
Hesitantly, I hold her hips, just like I did when we faked this on the paddleboard.
I drag my fingertips up, grazing her waist through the fabric of her shirt.
Seyoon’s eyes are wide and curious, flickering across my face, lingering on my mouth.
She lifts her right hand up and snakes it around the back of my neck.
“Are you sure?” I ask.
She nods. “You?”
“Yeah. But… I don’t…”
“That’s why we’re practicing, right? Besides, this isn’t the real thing. It doesn’t have to be perfect.”
I can’t pretend that doesn’t sting. But it’s true. This isn’t real. It doesn’t mean anything to her. It doesn’t have to mean anything to me, either.
She pulls. I don’t have it in me to push anymore.
Our lips meet. My first thought is how pleasantly surprised I am that they’re softer than I imagined. And warm. Her mouth is pliant beneath mine as our lips slot to fit each other. The blood rushes to my head so fast, I hear it in my ears. The kiss is chaste—over in a second. Both of us pull back.
That was my first kiss.
Seyoon huffs, smiling. “See?” she says, her other hand looping around my neck. “It isn’t hard.”
Not exactly.
I lick my lips. Her eyes dart to the motion. “One more?” My fingers splay over the small of her back. “For good measure.”
Her throat bobs. Seyoon nods. “Sure, okay. Practice makes perfect.”
She stands on her tiptoes to help with the height difference and kisses me with less hesitation this time. I hum, humiliatingly, but Seyoon seems to like it. She pulls back just long enough to take a breath before I chase after her to steal it.
“Oh, now you’re a quick learner,” Seyoon teases against my mouth.
“Not even this will shut you up, huh?”
She giggles into the kiss—and it hits me all at once.
I’m kissing Seyoon. I’ve never kissed anyone before, and now I know what her lips taste like and have felt the shape of her laugh.
It’s so intense of a thought that my head swims. If it weren’t for the tree I’ve pressed her up against, I might fall over.
When did I push her up against the tree?
And then, from camp, we hear our names being called.
“Where are Seyoon and Dean?” Blake says. “We need solo shots of them.”
We jump away from each other, although we’re still well out of sight from the others. My lungs burn like I’ve run a marathon. Her eyes flicker to my mouth area, then she grins, satisfied. There’s no time to question that look before we hurry out into the clearing, acting normal.
“We’re here!” Seyoon chirps. Her voice cracks, and part of me preens.
Blake turns around. She looks between the both of us. Then she sighs.
“Get to hair and makeup first, then come back here. And please, no more fooling around—we’re on a tight schedule,” she says.
Confused, I reach up and touch my mouth. My fingers come away red with Seyoon’s lipstick. I realize why she said we didn’t need the cameras back there.
Blake calls for Siddharth to take his turn, and he skips up. On his way past, he wolf-whistles at us. When I look, Vendredi’s staring, too, her eyebrows arched up. Half a dozen cameras are turned our way.
I turn on my heel and head for the makeup tent, head bowed. Seyoon hurries to catch up.
“No one will be doubting us anymore,” she says around a grin. “That was a hell of a convincing performance, if I say so myself.”
My steps falter slightly. I watch her features closely, looking for any sign that her terrible poker face will slip. None. She smiles plainly at me. As if nothing happened. As if she’s totally unaffected.
I want to kick myself. She said it herself. This isn’t real. I know that. What is real is the finish line we both want to get to: the whole reason we’re even together. Winning is the most important thing to Seyoon. She’s not the type who’d let herself get distracted. Not like me.
This doesn’t mean anything to her, I remind myself. It doesn’t have to mean anything to me either.
I won’t forget why I’m here again.