Chapter 34
I’M SO LOVESICK, I MIGHT HURL
DEAN
What Seyoon confided in me yesterday doesn’t leave my mind.
I tossed and turned all night thinking about it until she kicked my mattress from below.
I try to enjoy the day off we have while the crew sets up the next challenge, but even when she dragged me out to play cards with her in the sun and go on a walk with Vendredi, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
God. She’s under so much pressure. No wonder she’s that competitive.
If I don’t win, life goes on. If Seyoon doesn’t?
Life as she knows it will be over. She could lose her home, her family.
Honestly, I can’t believe she’s kept it under wraps this long.
For a girl who loves the sound of her own voice, she always shies away from talking about the important things.
Or, maybe, the things she’s scared people will judge her for.
I realize I’m being quieter than usual when, at lunch, it distracts Seyoon and Vendredi away from their spirited debate about which camper would be most likely to survive a zombie apocalypse. Beck would have liked this conversation. I was voted first to perish, by the way.
“What’s up with the long face?” Vendredi asks me.
“That’s just his face,” Seyoon says.
“No, his face is usually like this.” She pulls a small frown and pushes down on her forehead to fix her eyebrows in a crabby, unimpressed stare. Seyoon snorts. I scowl, then stop when I realize I’m making that face.
“Nothing’s up,” I say, looking for an excuse. “I’m just wondering how much more salad Seyoon will cram into her mouth before she chokes.”
Seyoon grins around the fork of lettuce in her mouth but swallows before speaking this time. “Aw, you care about me.”
“Obviously I—” I shut my mouth so hard, my teeth click. I wet my lips. “I just want you to stop spitting little leaf pieces at me.”
Seyoon rolls her eyes but does finish eating before diving back into survival rankings. I watch the way her lips wrap around the fork and rub my eyes until I see spots.
Eventually, I excuse myself to take a shower. The crew are busy milling around as usual. Carter is talking with Garrett and Blake near the center of camp, which gives me pause. Blake notices and waves me over, dismissing Carter before I get there.
“Dean! There you are. I wanted to talk to you,” she says, smiling brightly. Garrett, uncharacteristically of him, stays silent and just a step behind her, but still watching.
“Am I in trouble?” It’s always my first thought.
“No, not at all. I wanted to ask you how Seyoon’s been holding up. I haven’t run into her today, but I figured you might be a better person to ask.”
That gets my attention. “Why wouldn’t Seyoon be okay?”
Blake looks around before holding her clipboard to her chest and stepping forward. Her brows are pinched in worry.
“Well, her breakdown at the trivia challenge was a point of concern, obviously. I know she’s under a lot of pressure, and seeing her mother seemed to worsen things.”
My eyebrows jump. “Seyoon’s told you why she’s under a lot of pressure?”
Blake laughs. “No, but I heard her talking to her mother yesterday before the challenge. Caught the lowdown.” She taps my clip-on mic. “Come on. You’re our resident reality-TV expert; surely you know we’re always listening.”
The idea of Seyoon’s sensitive conversation with her mom being caught on tape and broadcast to the world makes my stomach fold. I’m never going to enjoy reality TV again after this, I think.
“I just want to make sure the stress isn’t getting to her.
” Apprehension drips from Blake’s every word.
“With how bad her family’s situation is, I know her standing in the game must be weighing heavily on her.
Frankly, if she doesn’t do well in tomorrow’s challenge, she could be going home.
” The woman lays her hand on my shoulder, squeezing.
“As someone who clearly cares about her, I’m sure you’re already thinking about this. ”
The reminder of everything Seyoon—sweet, sunny Seyoon—is going through is an iron grip of guilt around my heart.
She has so much on the line, and she never lets it show.
An image pops into my mind of her face when we kissed on the dock yesterday.
She looked even more beautiful than ever in the soft, private glow of the sunset.
I wish I could pocket that moment in time and hold on to it forever.
But we don’t have forever. Semifinals are tomorrow. And Seyoon could lose so much more than a million dollars.
“Dean?”
I startle. Both Blake and Garrett are watching me now. Blake seems worried, but I can’t get a read on Garrett’s expression.
“Sorry,” I say. “I hear you. I’ll keep an eye on her.”
“Good.” Blake squeezes my arm once more and steps back. “The number of points you collectively earn—and have to split—entirely determines who makes it to the finale.” She lowers her voice and smiles. “I hope the both of you make it.”
I smile distractedly, then she lets me go. Now it’s Blake’s words that race in my mind. I want to win, of course. And I also want Seyoon. Of course.
For just the tiniest fraction of a second, I let myself entertain the idea that Seyoon kissed me back yesterday for the same reason I wanted to kiss her. That she may want me, too.
It doesn’t matter, though, whether it’s true or not. Because the reality is that I don’t need to guess which one Seyoon needs more: me or the money that will save her family. The only question left unanswered is, which do I need more?
When I first realized I had fallen for Seyoon, back under that sky full of constellations she spent all night pointing out to me, I didn’t know what I was going to do about my feelings.
But I know now.