Chapter 36
THIS WOULD PROBABLY BE MORE ROMANTIC IF I WERE BETTER AT FIRST AID
DEAN
The guilt eats me up from the inside out. Gnawing on my bones. Leaving me empty.
I wish it didn’t have to go down that way.
I wish she didn’t hate me now. Whenever I close my eyes, I see Seyoon’s betrayed expression.
My ears still ring with how hurt she sounded.
But I know her—she would’ve refused if I’d tried to reason with her, persuade her to end our alliance amicably so that she didn’t have to split her points with me.
She would never have agreed, not after I shared the points I earned in the trivia challenge with her.
She’s too fair. But the second we rolled up to set and I saw that lake, I knew it was the end for me.
You had a good run, Dean, but your doggy-paddling can’t carry you across the finish line.
Not this time. I didn’t want to drag Seyoon down with me, too, not when I know how much she has at stake.
So, I had no choice but to end our alliance early.
In another reality where her family isn’t on the line, where we aren’t competitors, maybe I could’ve told her the truth about my feelings. But in this reality, it’d break my heart more to see her lose everything than to find out she doesn’t feel the same.
I didn’t lie to her, though. What I said was true: Only one of us can win.
And I want it to be her.
There’s a suspended tension in the air the rest of the night and the next day leading up to elimination.
I spend it walking around camp, running my hand along the logs of the cabin wall, watching the sun dance across the lake’s waves, taking it all in for what I know is the last time.
I look up at the sky and hope it’ll be a clear night so I can see the stars again.
I’ll miss them back home. I might even miss the woods—something I’d never thought possible.
All day, I keep an eye on Seyoon and wait for her to visit the infirmary and get her hand patched up. She spends her time avoiding me, whispering with Vendredi, and not going to the nurse’s. Christ. She never changes.
Just before we all have to head to the bonfire pit for elimination, I corner her in the cabin, holding the first-aid kit I packed with me. Seyoon, sitting on her bunk, glares up at me. Her scowl falters when she notices what I’m holding.
“Can I?” I ask gently. The corner of her mouth curls down. “I know it hurts,” I prod.
I wait for permission. Eventually, Seyoon grunts and holds out her injured hand. “Whatever. Knock yourself out.”
The mattress dips as I sit beside her. Our knees brush, and she moves hers away.
I try not to let my heart break. Seyoon presents me with her hand and glares at the underside of my mattress above our heads.
It’s a bad gash, running down the side of her palm from knuckle to wrist. I pull out alcohol wipes, petroleum jelly, and gauze.
I apologize for the sting when I wipe the angry cut, but Seyoon doesn’t react or acknowledge me.
I take my time, committing to memory the feeling of her skin on mine and the way she smells.
This is probably the last time I’ll be this close to her.
My hands tremble as I wrap her palm in gauze. Seyoon notices. “You’re still bad at this.”
I smother a chuckle. “No. It’s nerves this time.”
I finish wrapping her up in silence. When I’m done, she pulls her hand back into her lap, inspecting my work. “Why?” she asks. Her voice is like salve on a wound that’s been left open to air too long. I know what she means.
“I told you already. Only one of us can win.”
“And it’s not going to be you. Vendredi did the math. Without my help, you’re going home.”
“I’m good at math, too, Seyoon.”
She finally meets my gaze without a glare. “I don’t understand you. I know you want to win as badly as I do. Wanted to.”
“I thought so, too. But I want something else more.”
“What is it?”
I study her features, wondering if I should tell her after all.
My mind helpfully supplies a dozen ways this could go disastrously.
Thank you, brain, for defying millions of years of evolution and not developing a self-preservation instinct.
It’s terrifying, knowing that Seyoon could hurt me—that I’m giving her the power to.
But it’s because of her that I’m the kind of person who can finally speak up. So I do.
“I wish we hadn’t met here. I wish we had more time,” I utter. “That’s what I want. But I can’t have that. So this is the next best thing.” I inch forward. She doesn’t lean away. “Earlier today, I told you we were friends. Because the truth is, you’ve become more than a friend to me.”
Seyoon’s eyes widen slowly, as if not sure she believes what she’s hearing. “What are you saying, Dean?”
“I’m saying, I lost sight of what was real and what was pretend a while ago.” I gaze down at her lips. Mine turn up in a small, sad smile. “I’m not that good of an actor.”
My pulse flutters watching her figure it out. Turn it around in her head. The next time she looks up, she’s the one who has trouble maintaining eye contact for once.
“Dean, I—”
I shake my head to cut her off. I think I’d break if she told me she didn’t feel the same. But it would entirely destroy me if the answer was yes. Because it wouldn’t matter—not here, not now.
I lean in for the last time, kissing her forehead. When I pull back, I’m greeted by Seyoon’s stunned silence. I leave the first-aid kit with her and stand up.
“You’re going to win, Seyoon,” I tell her, more confidently than I’ve ever said anything in my life. I smile. “It’s what you do.”
The bonfire seems to crackle more aggressively than it has on other elimination nights.
It’s quiet as the sound technicians adjust their boom mics, the set designer spaces the four of us contestants out on the logs, and the camera operator fiddles with the settings on her video camera.
The air feels thinner. The night sky is heavier, a blanket over my head, making it hard to breathe.
Before long, Garrett and Blake join us.
And the very last elimination begins.
Campers, I’m torn. On the one hand, nothing fills my heart with more pride than to see the strongest four of you here after an entire season of fighting to prove why you deserve the million-dollar cash prize. On the other hand, in just a moment, we’ll have to say goodbye to one of you.
Before we go over the final scoreboard, let’s review how many points you earned today. Carter, you earned forty. Seyoon, thirty. Vendredi, twenty. And Dean, ten.
Dean, what happened, buddy?
My ears burn from being called out. I hunch in on myself. “Not much of a swimmer.”
Yep, I think we got that. Would’ve been a good time to be in an alliance, but, alas, it’s too late to team up.
Now… dramatic pause. This is the moment that will determine it all.
Whether you make it into the top three and have a shot at winning the grand prize.
I can see what you guys are thinking. Did I earn enough today to turn things around and shoot to the top of the leaderboard?
Or, Have I earned enough in the other challenges to hold on to my top rank despite my subpar performance?
I won’t let you stew in your fears any longer. Luke, reveal the scoreboard.
As Luke turns the board around, my pulse hammers so hard that I can feel it in my teeth.
1ST
CARTER MOXLEY
119 PTS
2ND
SEYOON SHIN
90 PTS
3RD
VENDREDI TENGKU
72 PTS
4TH
DEAN PARKER
71 PTS
I knew it. I planned for this. But still, my stomach falls like a cement brick.
A difference of one point. I’m going home because of one point.
I’m going home.