Chapter 4 #2
“Yeah. I mean, you’re right. I’ve tried to avoid reading a lot of the articles because, after a while, they all felt the same—and they definitely didn’t know how I felt or what I thought.
They didn’t even know everything that happened or what led up to it, so a lot of what was written was speculation.
I really don’t appreciate being viewed as a victim.
” All I did was nod, grabbing my notebook to jot down a bullet point.
I’d use my notes to locate actual quotes on the recording later.
“For the record, I don’t hate Dani—or Zack.
I can’t really talk to them right now other than professionally, because I’m still processing it all and figuring out what I want—but I don’t hate them.
And that’s what a lot of these reporters assume… that I hate Dani.”
“Yes. I’ve read that perspective quite a bit.”
“Was being left at the altar humiliating? Yes. I think anyone would agree—but, uh, I’d prefer you not print that.”
“You got it.” Normally, I’d mark off the record comments on the recording itself, but I didn’t want to spook Braden or stop him from talking, so I just jotted a note.
I’d likely have to listen to the entire recording several times to write an honest, thoughtful piece—and, as I pondered it, I knew I’d want to send the finished piece to Braden for his approval before publishing it.
“Did it hurt? Hell, yeah, it did. No one plans a marriage to someone they’re lukewarm about.
I loved Dani and wanted to spend my entire life with her.
I imagined a nice house filled with kids and pets and lots of good times.
I knew she’d loved Zack. She’d loved him since high school—but I thought she was over him.
I think she thought so too. I know…in her own way, she loved me, and she didn’t want to hurt me.
And, even though it’s taken me a long time to really understand it, she left me because she didn’t want to live a lie.
She left because she didn’t want to hurt me, as crazy as that seems.”
“I get what you’re saying.”
“So, yeah, I’m really tired of all the pity I see online. I don’t want pity. Like I said, I’m not a victim. I don’t want to be treated or viewed like one. Shit happens—and this was the shittiest. But, even though it hurt, I only want the best for Dani and Zack.”
“They’re still keeping their relationship under wraps, so I’ll keep that off the record. But I’m curious: has that been by your request?”
“No. But they did that the first time too, when they got together during our first tour. We haven’t talked about keeping their relationship quiet at all—but I do appreciate that they’re doing it out of respect for me.” Braden lifted the water bottle to his lips.
I wasn’t going to say it out loud, but I found myself drawn to his calm demeanor and the way he was handling all this.
No wonder Dani had loved him, even if her love for Zack couldn’t be rivaled.
I could remember her saying time and time again what a nice guy and good man Braden was, and it hadn’t been idle talk.
She always had examples of his behavior that truly demonstrated how he was an ideal fiancé.
Pretty different from how I always seemed to pick controlling, possessive guys.
How did I manage? And Dean had turned out to be really hard to shake.
It wasn’t until I threatened him with a restraining order and giving one of my fellow reporters an exclusive interview from my point of view that he backed off.
But that didn’t stop me from getting the word out underground.
Other women needed to know what he was all about.
And I also knew from my short time in the business that the rich ones could get away with anything short of murder—physical, sexual, and verbal abuse—and no one did shit about it because they were wealthy and famous.
Braden was nothing like those kinds of guys…and I was fortunate to be able to talk with him like this.
For this particular interview, I’d jotted down lots of questions and wound up grouping them in categories, not actually planning to ask anything in particular, because I wanted my conversation with Braden to be more organic and natural, and I wanted him to lead the way.
So the next question I asked wasn’t one I’d written down.
“Do you know if your publicist has a plan to release that information at some point?”
“No. And I don’t really care. Like I said, I appreciate that they’ve been discreet for as long as they have.
The further we get away from the incident, the less likely I think people will be to assume cause and effect.
But I think, even if they decided to wait three more years before announcing that they’re together, a few people would still make that assumption. ”
“What do you think, Braden?”
“I don’t know.” He took another long drink of water. “I think what I’m about to say is something I don’t want shared.”
Nodding, I said, “Just let me know when you’re back on the record.”
“I saw glimpses with Dani…little things that made me question how she felt about me, but I was so in love that I refused to really see it. Like how she put off planning the wedding for a long time and finally just gave it all over to her mom. She would say we were too busy to focus on those details, but…there was just something underneath the surface that made me wonder. But then she’d hold my hand or kiss me, and I’d forget all about it.
It was things like that that I probably should have questioned more. I should have seen it coming.”
After he was silent for a long stretch, I added, “But you were in love.”
“Yeah. It’s easy to overlook all kinds of stuff when you feel that way.” When I nodded, he asked, “Have you ever been in that situation?”
Oh. This was interesting. Most rock stars I’d ever interviewed couldn’t stop talking about themselves—and I didn’t hold it against them, because that was the whole point of my job.
I was merely the person recording their words and thoughts and shaping them into something fans would devour.
But we were still off the record, and if telling him a little bit about myself would help him feel even better about our conversation, I was game.
“Yeah, actually. You saw my winning date at the wedding.”
“Oh, yeah. Dean. Were you in love with him?”
I laughed, momentarily forgetting I was supposed to be the one asking the questions. “No. There was only one time I felt like I might have actually been in love—back in high school. But I have a record for picking real winners.”
“Dean did seem to be a little, um…over the top.” Spoken like a true diplomat.
“You could say that.” I took a small breath and looked over my notes of questions, wanting to steer us back on track. “Do you think fans will understand that better if they knew you loved Dani?” After a second, I added, “We’re still off the record, by the way, unless you’re ready to go back on.”
“I don’t care if you share this: I have no way of knowing what fans will think about how I felt about her. I mean, I figured it was obvious we loved—I loved her, considering we were getting married. But people have a weird way of making up shit in their heads.”
“Right. So…now that it’s been a while, I imagine you’ve kind of moved into protection mode.
Knowing that people will make assumptions—especially when you’re silent—might cause you to be even more reticent.
I know when you move into the public arena like Once Upon a Riot, you know you’re giving up some of your privacy, but I imagine the aftermath of the wedding was off the charts.
So I’m curious about how you feel now. Today, what would you say privacy means to you—and how do you protect yourself? ”
Braden’s brows knitted as he reached for his water bottle again.
“That’s a good question.” Tilting the bottle to his lips, he took a small sip, pondering my questions.
“Like you said, the four of us are now considered public figures. I don’t imagine we’ll ever be like movie stars or politicians where everybody knows you wherever you go, but we are recognized nowadays way more than when we first started—and it’s kind of weird.
People seem to think they know you, just because they’ve heard your music, seen you on stage, and read interviews like this one.
I never did a lot of interviews before—I left that shit up to Zack.
He doesn’t mind that kind of thing at all, but it’s not my bag. No offense.”
“None taken.”
“But what happened in April changed everything. I have never had so many requests for solo interviews than I had all summer long. It felt like everybody wanted a piece of me—and I just couldn’t do it.
That’s part of why we got a publicist, because the label was tired of fielding all that stuff for us.
I mean, they work with our publicist, but it’s different now.
Pam has been a lifesaver. After she started working for us, she wouldn’t forward the actual requests to me.
Instead, she’d send me a list of interview requests—probably a line or two from them—so I could tell her what I wanted to do. ”
“So I have to know. Why’d you change your mind with me?”
“It was the promise you made. I didn’t know it was actually you until I talked to Pam about it—after I changed my mind.
Rather than just wanting to paint me as a victim or someone to be pitied, you seemed to want to talk to me, the human being.
And I appreciated that. Pam and I talked about it, and we agreed that I would give one interview—to you.
But I still don’t really want to tell my side of the story.
I just want people to know everything’s okay.
Riot isn’t going to break up after this album and we don’t all hate each other.
What happened really sucked, but I’ll get over it. ”
“That’s a great message, Braden.”
“As for your question…I don’t know. I felt like not saying anything was protecting myself, like just minding my own business would keep me safe.
But you know how the gossip engine seems to fuel itself.
It’s something I wasn’t prepared for. I don’t think any of us were.
And, as for being private, not many reporters want to hang out in Dalton hoping to catch a glimpse of me or anyone else in the band.
There were several of them right after the wedding, but they got pretty bored—because we weren’t giving them the story they wanted.
The four of us stayed apart for a while until we got to work on this album—and then it was just business.
We don’t hang out like we used to and I’m not sure when we will. ”
Braden picked up his bottle again and, after a few seconds, I said, “So what—”
“Actually, that’s not true. I don’t hang out with my band members like I used to.
I really can’t speak for them. I think Cy moved out of Zack’s place, and I don’t know if Dani’s living there.
I don’t ask because I don’t want to know.
So I guess privacy to me means being by myself.
And I’ve learned a lot about myself since then.
” As I nodded, he said, “Um…could you not print that?”
“Which part?”
“The part about us not hanging out together. I think people might make assumptions about that too: He says they get along and the band’s not breaking up, but they don’t spend time together?”
“Yeah, I see your point.” Glancing at my notes, I asked, “I know you said you haven’t read everything that’s out there, and you said you don’t want to be perceived as a victim, but is there anything people are saying about you that you wish they would stop repeating?”
“Hmm.” Taking his time, Braden looked down at his hands, no longer shaking—if they had ever been—and seemed to really contemplate his answer.
“I’m tired of hearing how I’m the scorned man or jilted lover.
That’s stupid and uninformed, and I suppose that’s partly on me because I didn’t want to talk about it.
More than that, though…I really don’t appreciate how a few people have speculated that something is wrong with me, like I was sleeping around on Dani or just a bad choice in general.
I mean, where do they come up with that shit? ”
Although it was rhetorical, I felt like we were having a real conversation. “They’re just filling in the blanks.”
“Yeah. So I hope going on record just once will change all that.”
“It can’t hurt. So…where is your focus nowadays?”
“On this tour, of course. On giving our fans the best show ever at every single stop. That’s always been my focus.
Bassists are always kind of dismissed because we don’t usually do the flashy shit, but my job is to add depth and help the rhythm.
You might not notice the bass in a song, but you’d notice something was missing if it was gone.
” After a second, he added, “I know you do,” reminding me of my very first interview with him.
I had to force down a giddy smile.
“Anything else you want to add about that? Like what happens after the tour?”
“Sure. We’ll have another album—all four of us.
Together. We’re not going anywhere, no matter what anyone thinks…
and maybe in the future, our friendship will go back to what it once was.
That’s what I want, and I think that’s what Dani, Zack, and Cy want too.
Like, when we were first touring, we used to play card games together every night when we weren’t playing—you know, we’d make a sandwich in the hotel room and then sit on the floor and play Spades or Hearts or something.
And we don’t do that anymore…well, we’re not doing it during this tour.
And I think that’s all on me, because I haven’t felt ready.
But I hope that I can get back there, because those guys really are my best friends in the world.
And I might not ever feel close to Dani again, but if I can get to a place where we can at least talk, that would be good enough.
” He licked his lips. “Um…please don’t print that last part—about Dani. ”
“No problem. Anything else you want to tell your fans about this topic?”
Drawing in a long breath through his nostrils, Braden looked at the glossy wooden table while pondering. “No. I think this is good.”
“Great. Do you want to talk about this tour or album?”
“Yeah, sure.”
As we moved into what was a standard rock interview, Braden actually smiled and laughed several times…
and I was so glad he’d agreed to this conversation.
I only hoped that I would be able to do it justice, sharing with his fans the warm human being underneath the story people couldn’t seem to stop talking about even now.