30. Chapter 30
Chapter thirty
Day 14 Denali, Alaska
A cursory glance when Aiden walked through his sister’s front door showed Kait’s personality all over the place. The open floor plan, the endless windows, the red and green color scheme, even the high ceiling with the dozens of tiny, diamond-shaped windows. He didn’t see Cosky anywhere in the design or decorating of their home. But then he wasn’t looking for his brother-in-law’s artistic stamp. He was far more focused on the aqua-haired beauty across the room.
She was standing so still and stiff, with such wariness on her face. His chest tightened and ached. He hated seeing her so uncomfortable around him. They’d never been uneasy around each other—not before they dove into bed, not while they were doing the dirty, and sure as hell not after. Until today. Until now.
“Have you heard anything about those nanobot things?” Kait asked, looking almost as uncomfortable as Demi.
Her eyes were bouncing between him and Demi so often, she was going to sprain them if she wasn’t careful.
“Not yet,” Aiden said. Dammit.
“Have you talked to your teammates’ families? Explained to them what happened?” Kait shot a worried look toward Demi.
Aiden tensed. “Not yet.”
He clipped the words out, hoping she’d get the message. SEAL deaths and family bereavement were not subjects he wanted to discuss in front of Demi, who was already skittish about such things. Relief hit when Cosky appeared from the other side of the kitchen.
“Babe,” Cosky walked across the living room to the front door and pulled a crimson coat off the coat tree. He held it out to Kait. “We need to get on the road.”
For the first time, Aiden realized Kait was dressed to kill. Hip-hugging black stretchy pants. A patchwork crimson and black jacket over a deep burgundy blouse. Her boots were crimson too, matching the jacket. Cosky looked like a bum by comparison. Although he had showered back at base before hopping on the Bell, and changed out of his BDUs into charcoal slacks and a light gray dress shirt since returning home. The accompanying jacket was—surprise, surprise—dark gray.
Cosky stuck to gray or black. Probably came from a life spent operating in the shadows, a life where standing out could get you and your brothers killed. No doubt, Kait was the only spot of color in his brother-in-law’s drab life.
Which was another touchy subject, one he mentally added to his list of things not to talk about in front of Demi. Because his life mirrored Cosky’s in every way, except for the woman by his side and the organizations they worked for. Although it was a tossup, whether Aiden even worked for WARCOM anymore. HQ1 might have declared him AWOL by now and sent the master-of-arms after him. Although, if that were the case, Dev would have mentioned it. Probably.
After a round of goodbyes, Kait and Cosky disappeared down the hallway next to the kitchen. The silence in the living room grew deeper and wider until the opening and closing of a door down the kitchen hall sounded as loud as an M14 blast.
“Their garage is through the utility room, which is down that hall,” Demi offered awkwardly.
The heavy silence must have been getting to her too.
“Good to know.” Aiden already knew how to access the garage in case they needed to escape the house through a secondary access point.
Earlier that afternoon, at the base, Cosky had unrolled a set of house plans across their cafeteria table and marked the access and escape points with a red marker. The more the dude talked about entrances and exits, the more obvious it became that while he might profess confidence in The Neighborhood’s shield, he wasn’t taking chances with Kait’s safety.
“How’s your cat?” What he really wanted to know was whether the damn thing was still scratching her to hell and back every time she got close to it. But asking that would just remind her of their last argument.
“He’s doing great.” Her dark eyebrows rose, and she nailed him with a knowing look. “Taking his meds like a little trooper. Hasn’t scratched or bit me since we arrived.”
Huh . That verified what Cosky had said, but such a dramatic shift in behavior seemed odd.
“But we both know you don’t give a shit about the cat.” There was a hint of challenge in Demi’s voice.
Aiden kept his face flat. No, he didn’t care about the damn cat. He only cared that it had hurt her. He added her cat to the list of topics to avoid discussing.
The silence grew to astronomical levels—until it resembled an emotional black hole, sucking the peace from the room and filling the space with unbearable tension. Driven to break the silence, he said the first thing that came to mind.
“How are you settling in?” Christ. He cringed. Talk about stupid questions.
“Fine.” Demi’s arms tightened around her waist. “What did Kait mean when she asked about nanobots?”
Ah, hell. Aiden groaned beneath his breath. Another subject he didn’t want to get into. “I’m afraid that’s classified.”
Demi’s lips pressed tight. “Kait knows about them.”
“Because she works at Shadow Mountain. She was there when Wolf’s crew found me.” And had been blessed with several days in isolation because of it.
She just looked at him, her stance still, her face watchful. “Aiden, I’m tired of all your secrets, of being locked out of your life.
Ah, Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
He scrubbed his palms down his face. This was a fucked if he did, fucked if he didn’t conversation. Explaining what had happened would illustrate how dangerous his job was, which could drive her away. But refusing to explain could—probably would—push her away too.
Before he could respond, her shoulders slumped.
“Never mind.” She sounded tired. Beaten.
He didn’t make the mistake of assuming he was off the hook, not with that determined expression plastered across her face. She was just refocusing her mental energy.
She took a deep breath and began. “I know we talked over the phone about the fact I intend to break things off with you. I was just waiting until I could tell you in person. I didn’t want to distract you during one of your missions.”
“Yeah.” The acknowledgement burned up his chest and throat and through his mouth. “I want to talk to you about that.”
She shook her head. Sorrow flashed across her face before it hardened with resolve. “There’s nothing to talk about. I haven’t changed my mind.”
Aiden’s heart took off, pumping like he needed the oxygen and energy to stave off a life or death threat. “Look, I know now that you want more than I realized. But I can give you everything you need. The wedding. The kids. The white picket fence. A home. I can give you all of that.”
“Can you?” A look of longing flared in her eyes, then died. “Because honestly… I don’t think you can.”
“I can.” He inserted confidence into his voice. But his heart kept racing faster and faster, and his chest was getting tighter and tighter. And the certainty grew that he’d already lost her.
“The wedding, the white picket fence, the kids, those are just symbols. You can’t give me the two things that turn those symbols into a home.”
The look of sorrow on her face churned like ground glass in his gut—tearing him apart. He could feel the emotional distance between them expanding, pushing her further and further away.
“I’ll give you everything, everything I can give.” It came out as a promise. A hoarse, raspy promise that edged into a plea.
She nodded and wiped her cheeks, even though she wasn’t crying. “That’s the whole point, Aiden. You can’t give me what I need. What I want. You’re not wired for it.”
Heat exploded in his chest. He felt like he was drowning in flames, like someone had dropped a lit napalm canister into his gut. “Demi, what we have is good. We can build on it.”
“What we have is sex. Fantastic sex, true, but it’s still just sex.”
That stopped him cold. What? There was more than sex between them. His voice sharpened as anger lit. “You know damn well there’s more than sex between us.”
“Really? What else?” Her voice sharpened as well. “We haven’t spent enough time together to build anything more. You’re never home! We don’t share a living space. We don’t have a routine together. We haven’t merged our tastes, discovered a favorite song, found a favorite restaurant, or even bought furniture or pictures together. We aren’t a couple, not even close. All we do during those rare days you’re in town is hop into bed. Sex. Sex. Sex. With periodic breaks for food—or for you to head off with your SEAL buddies for target practice. Even when you’re in Coronado, half the time you’re off with your teammates.” She took a deep breath before adding quietly. “All of which would be fine—if all I wanted was sex, because yes, the sex is out of this world—but I want more. I want someone I can share my life with.”
Aiden took a step back and regrouped. There had to be a way to make her see he could give her that life. “When we first hooked up, you told me you weren’t looking for anything but a fuck buddy,” he reminded her, keeping his voice calm, non-confrontational. “Friends with benefits—that’s what you said you wanted. So that’s what I gave you.”
Even though he’d wanted everything she was asking for now. They were finally on the same page, wanting the same things. So why did she seem to be slipping further and further away?
“I know.” Her voice trembled, but her shoulders were straight. Rock solid. Unbending. “But that’s not what I want now. I want a husband. A home. A family. I want what Kait has.”
“Which is what I wanted from the beginning with you. I only went with the fuck buddy arrangement to keep you close, to make sure I was the one sleeping next to you when you realized you wanted more than sex, when you realized you were ready to start over again, to move on from Donnie.”
She didn’t look convinced. But then why would she? He’d never shown her what she meant to him. He’d been too afraid it would send her running. Hell, he’d never even told her he loved her.
He needed to rectify that ASAP.
“Look…” He braced himself and leaped. “I’ve always wanted a life with you. I fell in love with you when Kait first introduced us, back when you were still married. I’ve been in love with you for God damned forever.” The look on her face shifted. But not to joy. Not to disbelief. She looked…shattered. Fear kindled. He doubled down on his reassurances, desperate to make her believe him. “Demi, I want that house with you. I want the wedding and the kids. I want a family with you. I want what Cosky has.”
Her face crumpled and huge, fat tears silently spilled down her cheeks. His chest burned. He drew her into his arms like she was priceless and fragile. But fear gnawed at him. Her expression was not one of relief. Her tears were the opposite of joy.
Something was wrong, but what? He’d told her he loved her. He’d told her they shared the same dream. Yet his love hadn’t changed her mind. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”
“Do you know how Kait and Cosky turned this house into a home?” she asked into his shoulder, her voice thick.
He frowned; the question was so simple—there had to be a catch to it. “Because they love each other.”
“No. Well, yes, that too.” Her laugh was raw, and so sad it made his entire body clench. “But there’s more to a home, to a life together than love. They share their lives, Aiden. They share themselves with each other.”
His frown dug deeper. “Demi, nothing is stopping us from sharing our lives too. We can have what Kait and Cosky have.”
She withdrew from his arms with a sigh and used her palms to scrub the tears from her cheeks. “When I said they share their lives, I meant they’re together almost all the time.” Squaring her shoulders, she looked him straight in the eye. “What’s your plan, Aiden? Kait says she’s not sure you’re going to return to the SEALs. Is that true?”
He watched her cautiously. “I’m not sure. Things are up in the air at the moment.”
She nodded, unsurprised by his confession. “If you don’t remain with the SEALs, are you going to join Wolf and Cosky and your other friends here at Shadow Mountain?”
He instinctively shook his head. “I don’t belong here.”
“No? Then where do you belong? What will you do?”
Scowling, he backed up, creating space between them. There was an undercurrent to her question that scratched at him. Instinctively, he realized she was finally getting to the reason she was breaking up with him, and he wouldn’t like it.
“Are you asking what I’m qualified to do for a living?” Although he sensed that wasn’t what she was asking—it was something more. Something deeper. “Former SEALs are in high demand once they leave their teams. Trust me, I won’t have trouble finding an alternative career path.”
“I know you won’t.” Except…she didn’t look relieved. “But whatever you do next will mimic your life as a SEAL, won’t it? Saving people, protecting people, rescuing people. Going after bad guys. Racing all over the world being a hero.” She paused, and her voice dropped to a whisper. “How often would you be home?”
And there it was. His throat tightened. “Demi—”
“I don’t want an absent husband, Aiden.” The resolve on her face was rock solid. Her voice strengthened. “I want a man who is home every night. Someone who eats dinner and breakfast with me. I want a man who’s around to play with our kids, to teach them baseball and basketball, to take them camping on weekends. I want a husband who is embedded in our lives, not lurking in the periphery.” Her voice thickened. “I want a husband who trusts me enough to share his secrets.” Her voice turned watery. “Who trusts me enough to talk about his nightmares. I want what Kait has, a committed, present husband.”
Aiden took another step back, his mind spinning.
“I trust you,” he protested. But the thought of revealing his nightmares knotted his gut. He needed to protect her from what he’d seen…what he’d done. He needed to keep his personal life with her separate from his job.
If he left WARCOM, his new career would probably be in private security. There wouldn’t be as much blood, or as much death in that line of work. The nightmares were bound to ease, maybe even vanish. At least he wouldn’t disturb her sleep anymore.
Except a foggy, elongated face tried to push its way into his mind. He shoved it back. He had no clue what mission had spawned that freaky nightmare. But he’d had enough of it. Time to put it to rest.
He refocused, trying to find an argument that would appease her. If he joined a private security firm, he wouldn’t be gone as long, or as often, as during his career with the SEALs. Although the job would still call him away. Even something as simple as protecting the rich and famous would involve traveling with the client—living with them when necessary. And rescue operations would involve even more time away from home—the planning, the scouting, the actual operation.
Unable to remain still, he circled the living room, his mind flipping through everything she’d said. He needed to buy some time to come up with a compromise that would convince her to give him another chance.
“Everything is fluid right now. I have no idea what I’ll be doing tomorrow, let alone a month from now.” He paused his pacing and turned to her, skimming a tired hand over his head. The exhaustion was back, sucking the ability to rationalize from his brain. “How about we pause this discussion until we have a better idea of where I’m headed and what I’ll be doing?”
The only thing he knew for certain was that he’d be going after Kuznetsov as soon as he had a location. And yeah, that would involve several days away from Demi. But it was critical that they lock the bastard and his weapon down. Of course, bagging and interrogating Kuznetsov was just the beginning. They’d still need to identify the party responsible for developing the nanobot weapon and passing it off to Kuznetsov. Taking down the weapon’s developer would mean even more time away from Demi. But he wasn’t willing to sit out on either operation. Demi would just have to accept that.
“But we know one thing already, don’t we?” Demi’s voice was too quiet and knowing for Aiden’s peace of mind. “You won’t be taking a nine-to-five desk job pushing papers around, will you? Anything you choose to do will be full of adrenaline and risk. It will be hero stuff. And heroes die.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “That’s the other problem, Aiden. Death already took one man I loved. Losing him almost destroyed me…did destroy a part of me.”
His breath caught. He took a shaky step toward her, suddenly seeing the chasm in front of them. “Demi—”
She held up her palm. “No. Let me finish. Before I met Donnie, before his death, I could have sent you off into danger, because part of me would have been certain you’d always come back. Part of me would have been certain that death would never happen to us, that we’d be spared. Donnie’s death cured me of such foolish thinking.” She took a deep breath and shook her head. “I’m sorry, but I won’t sit around waiting for a knock on my door telling me I’ve lost you. I won’t open myself—or my children—to that kind of pain.” She sucked in a deep, raw breath and continued quietly. “I know what you do is important. I know the world needs men like you, men willing to sacrifice themselves to keep the world safe. But having to wait on the sidelines while you’re off fighting the evil in the world, uncertain whether you’re alive or dead, uncertain if I’ll ever see you again… I can’t do it. I won’t do it. A life like that, full of uncertainty and fear, would destroy me.”
Aiden reeled back, his hope that they could find a compromise extinguished by her explanation.
She’d been right. He couldn’t give her what she needed. He was incapable of taking a pencil pusher job so she could have her safe husband.
If waiting on the sidelines, constantly fearing that knock on the door would destroy her, then sitting back, and letting others risk their lives to keep the world safe, would destroy him.
Numbness crashed into exhaustion, freezing him from the inside out, until nothing but emptiness remained. There was no compromise here. No way they could work their way through this. No way they could remain together.
Not without destroying each other.