24. Shadow
SHADOW
I sat on my bed, memorizing the sign language videos. We were three days into this, and I already had most of it logged away in my head. I could hold a fluent conversation. Asylum had flipped me off yesterday when I showed him, but I had only laughed at him. He had shoved me, and I tumbled into a snowbank.
It wasn’t often I was alone with her. Typically, Asylum was with us, but today I had her for the next hour while he did therapy.
“ I’m thirsty, ” I signed at her.
She blinked for a moment before replying that she was, too, and asked what I wanted to drink.
I grinned at her.
“ You, ” I signed back, feeling brave. Asylum told me I needed to get my shit together for her. I was wasting time being a shy prick. It was true. I was a bit shy still, but I was also still really embarrassed by my blowing my load twice in the span of a fucking hour with her.
She raised a dark brow at me in clear surprise.
I hadn’t kissed her since that night she’d gotten off on Asylum. It definitely plagued me to feel this deep desire for her and be too fucking scared to take it.
To be fair, this was really the first time I’d been alone with her since then. Any other time, it was only for a few minutes in public or while Asylum was showering.
“Me?”
I breathed out and nodded, forcing all my embarrassment at the previous time down and focusing on what I wanted in that moment.
“Can I kiss you?” I moved my hands quickly, watching as her eyes followed the movement.
She nodded.
Hell yes. Don’t fucking screw it up this time.
I leaned in slowly and brushed my lips against hers. The kiss was sweet. Soft. Tentative.
I pulled away and studied her. She gave me a smile that warmed every fiber of my being.
Screw it.
I went back in for more, this time, deepening the kiss. My dick was hard as hell, but I focused on the way her lips felt against mine. My hand on her waist as I gently tugged her to me. The way my heart flopped in my chest.
I broke the kiss off, breathless, and rested my forehead against hers.
“You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” I whispered as I cradled her face. “You saved me and don’t even know it.”
She shifted forward, her lips meeting mine again. This time, I let her take the lead, her tongue sweeping into my mouth and caressing mine. In this moment, everything felt right.
It was perfect.
But I needed to stop it before I went too far and embarrassed myself again. Not that I was close, but I didn’t want to give my body the chance to betray me.
I broke the kiss off again, my breathing heavy.
“I have to go slow,” I murmured. “I’m scared of what will happen if I let go. I don’t want to have another…accident, but I also don’t want to lose it on you. I struggle to control myself when I’m around you.”
She nodded and pulled away from me, a sweet, innocent expression on her pretty face.
“Fuck, Sirena.” I scrubbed my hand down my face. “I want to be the best version of myself for you. You make me want to be better. I’ve always just gone through the motions of life. Surviving. Hoping for something better.” I took her hands in mine. “Finding you has changed my world.” I brought her hands to my lips and pressed a kiss to her knuckles.
Her cheeks flushed pink, making my heart dance in my chest.
She was so perfect. How the hell I got so lucky, I’d never know, but I wouldn’t waste it. This was my chance to finally have everything I always wanted. I’d be damned if I fucked it up.
The door to the dorm opened, and Asylum stepped inside.
“Hey,” I greeted him.
He cast a quick look at us before taking off his jacket.
“Hey.” He came and sat on the bed next to us and tucked a strand of Sirena’s dark hair behind her ear. “You guys look cozy.”
“We are,” I said, smiling at her. She grinned back at me.
Asylum nodded. “Good. So. The Watchers are having a party at their place tonight. A bid to get Sin to cheer the fuck up and maybe get Cady laid. She’s in a major funk.”
I glanced at Sirena. She frowned at that. Sirena hadn’t really been doing much. She avoided the Watchers and Cady, claiming it was easier for everyone and wasn’t permanent. I had no idea why breaking things off with the Watchers had crossed her mind, but if I had to guess, it was because Sin called it off with her, and she knew it would tear it all apart. To prevent that, she severed the ties so the Watchers wouldn’t fight amongst themselves with one member breaking away.
While I hated that she missed them, I was grateful because it meant she was here with us.
“I thought maybe we could practice some hatchet throwing in the clearing before heading over,” Asylum continued.
Sirena was on her feet in an instant, grabbing her coat.
Asylum let out a bark of laughter at her eagerness, and even I grinned.
Within minutes, we were making our way to the clearing, Sirena wrapped up tightly in her winterwear, her mittened hand in mine.
We got to the clearing, and we set to work setting up some targets for her. We shifted around a few old snowy logs before returning to her.
Asylum handed her the hatchet. We’d been coming here almost every night to watch her learn to throw that damn hatchet. Honestly, she was a natural. Asylum seemed just as surprised by it as I was.
“OK, firefly. Line it up. End over end,” he instructed.
She threw the hatchet, and it missed its mark, making her let out a huff of air. I retrieved it for her.
“Like this,” I said, demonstrating how to hold the hatchet. “Remember what I showed you before? Bring your arm back. Keep your elbow in. There you go. Now throw.”
I watched her ax slam into the tree trunk she was aiming for. Asylum looked at me and nodded, a smirk on his lips. I grinned back and grabbed the ax for her.
I’d learned to throw things long ago in the Underground. One of the regulars was into it. Instead of feeling me up, he’d rent me out and teach me things. I had no idea why he did it, but I was grateful to him just the same. He taught me a lot, and since I never forgot anything, it has worked out in my favor.
I brought the ax back to Sirena, and we watched as she continued to slam it into the various targets we set up for her.
“Two-handed,” I said, getting behind her and helping her to hold the ax over her head. “Thumbs like this.” I demonstrated the thumb position for her. She nodded, and I handed it back to her.
She launched it into the tree trunk to Asylum’s growing smile.
She really was perfect.
We worked on it for several hours before she turned to us, her eyes bright and her nose red.
I watched Asylum tweak her nose.
“Want to fight?” he asked, raising his brows at her. “We can work on that stuff. I want you to be able to get out of tricky situations should they ever arise.”
She nodded eagerly, and that was all it took. Before long, they were knocking each other to the ground, grappling with one another, Asylum shouting instructions to her and demonstrating whenever he could.
I swapped out with him, demonstrating some of the skills I had, from disarming someone to applying pressure points that could bring people to their knees with just a thumb and two fingers. She was a natural.
“Damnit,” I shouted through a laugh as she brought me to my knees after disarming a stick from my hand with a move I’d taught her by simply grabbing and twisting at a pressure point.
She released me immediately, a triumphant smile on her face.
I let out a gasp of surprise when she tackled me, knocking me onto my back.
And then her lips were on mine, kissing me deeply in the snow. I kissed her back, losing myself in the moment as the sun set around us and the forest grew quieter.
Asylum didn’t try to interrupt. Instead, he took up a seat on one of the logs and sharpened her ax for her as she slid her tongue against mine.
“Fuck, what you’re doing to me,” I whispered against her lips between kisses. She answered by kissing me again.
I could get used to this.
And I hoped I got the damn chance because I was worth it. I just needed to keep proving myself.
* * *
It was unlike the Watchers to have people in their house, but they were making exceptions because the place was lit up and music was pounding out. People were on the patio, laughing and drinking.
“Weird,” I murmured.
Sirena nodded, apparently thinking the same thing.
“We’ll make a few rounds. Not stay too long,” Asylum said as we stepped onto the crowded patio. Church had a patio heater going, so people weren’t freezing out there, and Ashes had a burning barrel in the yard where people were gathered around. Someone had built a snowman, and Winston Hall was making out with it. I’d seen that guy kissing trees before, too. I was sure he’d be fucking the damn snowman before the night was over.
Sirena gripped my hand, and I cast her a quick look as Asylum placed his hand on the small of her back. I’d heard the whispers and rumors on campus. Everyone thought she was done with the Watchers for good, and I’d gotten her with Asylum.
I ignored it for the most part, but my friends kept trying to get me to spill what it was like to beat the Watchers and steal their girl. Not that Sirena and I had gone public, but we were seen on campus with Asylum whenever we were out and about.
But the way she threaded her fingers through mine and her nearness let me know she didn’t care what anyone thought.
I was OK with that.
She looked beautiful tonight. Her hair hung around her in wild black waves to nearly her waist. She’d lined her eyes in black liner and winged it out. And she was wearing the sexiest black dress I’d ever seen. I had no idea where she got it, but I really hoped she had ten more hidden away. Low cut and short. Black boots that reached mid-thigh.
Hell, what a vision, and she was holding my hand.
I felt like I’d won the world.
Of course, she wore her jacket so no one could see what she was wearing, but I knew. Asylum knew. He’d raised his brows at me when she came out of the bathroom before fanning himself.
Asylum opened the door and led us into the house. Smoke, strobing lights, and music met our senses.
There were tons of people scattered all over the place. The Watchers had a big house, so seeing it this full was surprising. It seemed like nearly everyone at Chapel Crest was there.
I hung Sirena’s coat next to mine and Asylum’s before retaking her hand. Asylum stayed close to us, his keen eyes observing everything with me.
I spotted Church across the room talking to Ashes.
I wasn’t exactly sure what she wanted to do. If I had to guess, she was eager to be here to see her sister.
The moment Sirena spotted her, she lit up and dragged me over to her, Asylum breaking away from us.
Cady’s eyes widened when she spotted us, and she got up from the stool she was sitting on. She hadn’t even tried to dress up. She was in sweatpants and a hoodie.
Sirena embraced her, both of them hugging one another.
“Wow. You look really good,” Cady said, her smile not quite reaching her eyes. “I’ve been trying to learn that sign language stuff. I remember a bit of it when we tried to learn years ago. It’s just not sticking.” She winced. “I’ll keep trying.”
Sirena squeezed her hand and backed away to give her space. I wasted no time taking her hand again. Cady glanced at the motion and offered us a sad smile.
“I’m so sorry,” she started. “It’s been awful here. I-I’d like to come see you. Maybe tomorrow?”
Sirena nodded eagerly, and Cady visibly relaxed.
“OK. I-I have a lot to tell you. I want to move back to my dorm. I hate it here. I know you want me to stay, but I can’t take much more. I’m an inconvenience to the guys, and I’m the reason you guys split.” Her voice cracked, and she wiped at her eyes.
Sirena hugged her again, and I looked around to see Sin standing in the living room, staring at us. His face was expressionless.
I turned my attention back to Sirena and Cady. They seemed to be fine now. After a moment, Cady excused herself to use the bathroom, leaving me and Sirena alone.
“It’s weird in here,” I said. “They never do this kind of stuff.”
She nodded, a worried expression on her face.
She moved closer as someone pressed past, and I wound my arm around her waist.
“How cute,” Stitches said, coming to stand next to us.
“Malachi,” I greeted him. I really didn’t want to fight with him tonight. Or ever. He was a tough son of a bitch, and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt him because it would hurt Sirena. And I knew he didn’t want to have to hurt me for the same reason.
Or at least I hoped so.
“Bryce,” he answered, giving me a sour look, his dark eyes taking in my arm around her waist. His noose around his neck was tied a bit tighter tonight.
He held his hand out to Sirena. “Dance with me?”
She seemed surprised by his request but took his hand, leaving me standing alone. I thought Stitches would be a dick, but he completely ignored me as he led her to the makeshift dance floor.
I watched him pull her against his body and rock against her. I looked past them to see Sin watching closely, a pained expression on his face. If I had to guess, that was the look of a man desperate to cut in.
“Hey, Bryce,” Ashes greeted me a moment later.
I looked at him. “Hey.”
“I’m glad you guys could make it,” he continued, taking a hit from his vape and blowing out a cherry scented smoke ring.
“Yeah, no problem.”
We both watched Stitches dance with Sirena. He was entirely too close to her for someone who was no longer her boyfriend. In the grand scheme of things, I knew it was all bullshit. She was his as much as he was hers. This wasn’t permanent, and either I swam with the sharks or was eaten by them.
“We miss her,” Ashes said suddenly.
“I know. She misses you guys, too.”
Ashes nodded. “Sin is getting better. He came out the last few nights for dinner. Will only do it though if Claws isn’t around. I guess it’s better than nothing.”
“Good. She said she was thinking about leaving.”
“She’s mentioned it to me, but it’s a bad idea. Church won’t allow it. As much as she’s a pain in the ass, we made a promise, and we’re going to keep it. For Sirena. Besides, you know how unsafe this place is.”
I nodded. I did know.
“So how is she?” he pressed.
“She’s…good. Seems sad sometimes, but I think she’s doing OK.”
He was quiet momentarily as the music changed and Stitches continued dancing with her.
“Malachi never dances,” Ashes mused softly. “It’s weird to see.”
I said nothing as I watched them.
Ashes cleared his throat. “How are you? With her?”
I shrugged. “We’re OK. I’m happy if that’s what you’re asking.”
“You know that’s not what I’m asking.”
“I’m not fucking her,” I said. “I haven’t. I won’t. I know how she feels about you guys and why she left. It was so Sin wouldn’t lose his shit. She didn’t want you guys to fall apart with him gone. This was her way of trying to save you because she loves you.”
“That’s what Church tells me,” he said. He was quiet again for a few minutes. “You two do look good together. I-I could get used to it.”
I finally looked over at him. “Really?”
He shrugged. “Yeah. Eventually. If it means she comes back and Sin gets his shit together, then yeah. But I’d say yes anyway because I want her happiness. If it’s you, so be it.”
“I still haven’t proved myself,” I muttered.
“You’re on the way,” he said, clapping me on the shoulder. “Give it time. It’s all any of us can do. We need to get shit sorted before Spring because once the snow is gone, I’m taking my girl on my motorcycle.”
“It’ll be fixed by then,” I said solemnly. “I want everyone together, too.”
He gave me a quick smile. “I’m going to make sure Church isn’t cutting Danny Linley. I saw he’s here.”
“Good luck,” I said as Ashes waved me off and disappeared into the crowd.
The guys seemed more relaxed. Quiet, even.
I found that confusing.
I stood awkwardly in the kitchen area, not knowing what to do. Deciding that having a drink was in order, I went out to the back patio and got myself a red plastic glass of beer. I leaned against the railing and stared at the lake for a long time. In fact, I’d drunk down three glasses before someone moved to stand next to me.
I glanced over to see Sin.
“Hey,” I greeted him, straightening myself a bit.
“Hey,” he grunted, tipping his drink to his lips. He pulled out a joint, lit it a moment later, and dragged in a deep hit before offering it to me. “Want some?”
I didn’t make it a point to get high, but fuck it.
I took the joint from him and inhaled deeply before handing it back. I blew out the smoke and relished in the high that began to build inside me.
“Thought you’d tell me no,” he said, laughing softly.
“It was a test?”
“Everything is a fucking test.” He took another drag and blew out. “How is Sirena?”
“She’s good.” I took another drink of my beer. “She misses you guys,” I repeated to him what I’d told Ashes.
He said nothing, opting to smoke more.
“Don’t you miss her, Sinclair?”
He stared out at the lake for a long time. I wasn’t sure if he was even going to answer me.
“I’m dying without her,” he murmured. “I punish myself for my sins against her and Cadence. Tomorrow, Church is making Cady take a pregnancy test. She hasn’t had her period.”
My stomach dropped at his words.
“Are you OK?” I finally asked.
“No.” He shook his head. “I’m fucking not. I don’t know what I’ll do if it’s positive. I-I don’t want a fucking kid with Cadence.”
I nodded. I could understand that. It would mess up a lot of things.
“Keep the faith,” I said gently.
He scoffed. “Sirena won’t come back if I’ve knocked up her sister.”
I contemplated my answer for a moment before finally saying it.
“Listen, I don’t know if you don’t know Sirena the way I do or what, but you’re wrong. Sirena loves you. Intensely , Sinclair. Even if Cady is pregnant with your kid, she loves you both so much. You’re her family. You breaking up with her hurt her. It was a stupid as fuck thing to do because look at you now. Alone and miserable, wondering about the what-ifs with her. All you had to do was realize you had the most wonderful girl in the world. That alone would make everything better. You don’t even know how fucking lucky you are.”
He was quiet for a long beat.
“I didn’t want to break up with her. I just didn’t know what else to do. I-I feel so guilty, but I know I’d do it again if it meant she was OK. She means everything to me. Does that make me a bad person?”
“No. It doesn’t. You need to tell her you love her and want her back,” I said. “Tell her how you’re feeling instead of keeping it locked inside. She’s an excellent listener.”
He stared out at the lake again for a long time.
“I know she is. She’s everything I’ve always wanted. I just… fuck .” He blew out a breath. “Could you do me a favor?” he finally asked.
“Sure. Name it,” I answered.
He looked over at me, his eyes glassy from his alcohol and high.
“Fuck her for me.”
I blinked rapidly and raised my eyebrows at him.
“You heard me,” he muttered, looking out to the lake again. He sucked in another drag and blew out the smoke. “Fuck her. If you fuck her, maybe it’ll help me feel better.”
“How would me fucking her help you feel better?”
“Because we’ve both fucked someone different. Knowing you’re getting her off might be the punishment I need right now.” He turned toward me. “She likes it when you go slow and kiss her lips. Her neck. If you need to be rough, you can. She likes that, too, but I think sweet and gentle is the way to go for you. Go deep. If you’re eating her out, place your hand on her lower abdomen and gently apply pressure. She’ll come almost immediately if you’ve got your tongue on her clit and your fingers on her g-spot.”
I swallowed hard at his words. “Sin, man. I-we don’t have that kind of relationship?—”
“You could if you listen to me. Please do this for me, Bryce. Shadow. Fuck. Tease me with it. Record yourself getting her off and send it to me. Make me hurt. I want to fucking hurt.”
“You’re seriously messed up,” I muttered.
“You don’t know the half of it.” He turned back to the lake. “I want this. I know Church said no to it, but to fucking give me—us—a chance, I think I need this. I won’t tell Church.”
I sighed. “Sin, I’m not going to do that?—”
“Please?” He looked over at me. “I-I need it more than my next breath. The shit I’m doing to myself as punish isn’t working. Look.” He pulled his sleeve up on his black Henley and showed me the ugly cuts deep in his flesh. He’d carved her name deep into his skin on repeat. He moved to his abdomen and lifted his shirt to show me further damage. He’d practically covered himself in her name. Some of the wounds were wrapped. Some were in later healing stages. Some were still damp with fresh blood. But every single one was her name.
“I love her,” he choked out. “Please. Punish me.”
I looked away from him, my stomach twisting.
“Why don’t you ask Asylum to do it?” I finally asked softly.
“Because I like Asylum.” He let out a soft, sad laugh. “You’re the one I’m on the fence about. Seems like Asylum will join us eventually. But you? I don’t know, and that’s what makes you perfect.”
“Sin, I-I can barely kiss her without fucking everything up,” I muttered.
“What do you mean?”
I sighed. The last thing I wanted to do was admit my… issues.
“I’m a virgin,” I mumbled. “I don’t get very far if you know what I mean.”
Sin raised his brows at me. I thought he’d laugh, but instead he pushed off the railing and turned to me.
“Jerk off before you do anything with her. Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and blow your load in there. Come out. Rock her world.”
“Uh.” I scratched my head. “You think that will help?”
“It’s how I got through my first time with a girl.”
I nodded and looked to the patio door. There were too many people for me to see if she was still with Stitches.
“I’ll send you pictures and videos,” I murmured. “If it’s what you want.”
“It is,” he choked out. I didn’t need to look at him to know this was painful for him.
Sirena emerged moments later, looking gorgeous as hell, Asylum at her side. She came straight for me, but her eyes were on Sin. She was cautious in her movements, worry on her face.
The moment she got to me, I wound my arm around her.
I was a little tipsy, so that helped loosen me a bit.
“Hey, cupcake,” I greeted her. She snuggled against me, her eyes on Sin.
He looked like he was going to tear her away from me. Like he was suffering.
So I did the only thing I could do. I gave him the misery he was asking for. I reached out and put my fingers beneath her jaw and directed her attention at me. I leaned in and pressed my lips to hers. Her lips were stiff and unmoving beneath mine for a moment, making me scared that maybe I’d fucked up, but finally, her lips parted, and I kissed her deeply.
She was breathless when I broke away from her. I caught Asylum’s eye. He seemed confused and concerned as he looked from me to Sin. He even shifted so he could get between us in case Sin snapped.
Sin let out a scoff followed by a bitter laugh as he shook his head. Finally, he looked at Sirena.
“You look beautiful tonight, siren,” he whispered.
She moved to step toward him, but he immediately backed away.
“Bryce. Asylum. Have a good night.” He walked away and disappeared into the house.
“That was…bold,” Asylum muttered. “You’ll have to clue me in.”
“I just wanted to kiss her,” I said softly. “I’m ready to leave if you guys are.”
Sirena turned toward me and made the sign for paintbrushes. I nodded, understanding she wanted to grab some. I’d seen the look on her face when she realized she’d forgotten one of them when she’d unpacked.
I watched her walk back into the house.
“He wants to be punished, huh?” Asylum asked softly.
“I thought you didn’t know.”
“Well, it took me a minute, but I caught the gist. You going to do it?”
“Yes,” I whispered. “Because I love her and want her to be happy. If she leaves me to return to the Watchers and I don’t get to join, I’ll be OK knowing she’s happy.”
“That’s noble of you, but it won’t be that way.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I’m an excellent cameraman. We’re all coming home, Shadow. I promise you that. We’ll start tonight.”
I looked over at him to see him staring up at the stars. He was a strange guy. He just seemed so sure about the things he knew.
I wish I could be that certain.
“You can,” he said. “You will. Trust me.”
Hell with it. I was willing to bet.