41. Shadow
SHADOW
“I don’t like talking about it,” I said, my voice soft.
“Why not?” Ashes asked. “We’re all messed up here. It’s not like you’re anything more fucked up than me. I killed my twin because I couldn’t control myself.” Ashes looked at his hands as he opened and closed his lighter five times.
I knew all about Ashes and his twin sister. That he’d lost control, started a fire, and she’d died because of it. It fucked him up.
Everyone knew Church’s issues. He was a killer. A complete and true psycho. Mirage was schizophrenic with multiple personalities on paper. Stitches was bipolar and suffered from ADHD and anger issues. Sin had a personality disorder. Attachment issues. Hated himself more than he hated people, which said a lot. Sirena was mute from trauma.
And me.
A fucking freak of nature.
“No one is going to make fun of you,” Ashes continued gently. “But we do deserve to know you if you’re joining us.”
He was right. I knew he was.
“No shame in being different,” Mirage murmured. “We’re all a little strange.”
I sighed and looked to Sirena on Church’s lap. Her big, pretty eyes stared back at me. Comforting. Assuring.
If she thought it was OK, then I’d do it. For her, I’d do it all.
I blew out a calming breath and rubbed my hands down my thighs as a means to ground myself. I was just going to lay it all out for them.
“I have something called hyperthymesia,” I said.
“What the fuck is that?” Stitches demanded. “Your cock diseased or some shit? If that’s that case, you’re fucking out, dude.”
“No,” I said sourly, shooting him a glare. “My cock isn’t diseased. Hyperthymesia is a rare…disorder. It means I can remember everything in exceptional detail.” I paused and licked my lips. “I even remember my birth.”
“Oh, what the fuck?” Sin murmured. “Like, full-on coming out of your mom?”
I nodded and looked at my hands. “I remember every-fucking-thing. My father hated it. I was a piece of shit freak as far as he was concerned. He abused me because of it. Beat me. Verbally fucked me up. When my friend Kevin kissed me, he walked in on it, and that was it. The final straw to get me out of his house. He was friends with Everett. I was sent to him. And that’s what I’ve done since. Here and memorizing shit for Everett. Being used by him and his fucking cronies. A spy. A shadow.” I swallowed and didn’t look up.
“He used me, too,” Stitches finally said softly, his voice cracking. “He let them fuck me. Probably fucked me himself as well, but I was so high on the drugs they pumped into me that I didn’t know a face from a cock.”
“I’m sorry,” I said thickly. “I am. I’ve been fondled and fucked with too. Nowhere near the caliber of what you went through. I’m still a virgin in ways that count. But I want them dead. We share a lot of similarities, it would seem.”
“And now we share a girl.” Stitches sighed and sat back in his seat. “Totally fucked up. Who would have thought you and I were so much… alike.”
“Who would have thought,” I murmured.
“Wait. Do you remember being in the womb?” Ashes asked. “Because if you remember coming out… I’m sorry. This is fucking my head up.”
Everyone looked at me.
“I do remember some things. They’re foggy, but I do remember.”
“That’s so fucked up,” Ashes muttered. “Damn. So do you forget things?”
“Never,” I answered. “Everything is perfect detail. I’m exceptionally rare. Probably one of the only ones of my kind to the caliber I am.”
“That’s wild,” Church said. “No wonder my father collected you. He did that with Seth here. The voices. The visions. He likes tools he can twist, exploit, and use.”
“Does it ever make you feel crazy?” Sin asked.
“Yes.” I nodded. “The fact I can recall everything makes some things hurt way more. I wish I could forget some things.” I bounced my legs and raked my fingers through my hair. I had so many fucked-up memories in my head. So many things I begged God every night to take away, but like always, they remained.
“It’ll get better,” Mirage said. “Someday. All the ugly things will be replaced with beautiful ones. You’ve already started that journey.”
I looked at Sirena, who stared back at me with her large, luminous eyes.
“I have,” I whispered. “And I would do anything for her.”
Church said something to her I couldn’t hear, and a moment later, so sliding onto my lap. I hugged her to me, pressing a fierce, possessive kiss to her temple.
“Mine,” I whispered to her.
She snuggled against me, relaxing my nerves. I knew at some point I’d have to the tell the watchers about myself. I assumed I’d be made fun of since that’s how my life had always gone, but I was surprised at the acceptance.
“Where did you learn to fight the way you do?” Stitches asked.
“The underground. A man there taught me. He’s the same one who taught Church and, uh, Asylum. Mirage. And even you.”
“Ricardo.” Stitches nodded. “He didn’t fuck around and touch you did he?”
I shook my head. “No. Never. He paid for time with me and trained me. I think he probably just wanted me to be able to defend myself. Strange that he was even in the Underground to begin with since he seemed like a decent human.”
“We all have our secrets. Our reasons,” Mirage murmured.
I looked at him and nodded. We did.
Everyone went silent for a long time before Church spoke up.
“I think we should watch you and Sirena.”
“What?” I looked over at him sharply.
“It’s strange for us to see you this way with her. She’s been ours, and now we’re sharing. I think for all of us, it would be good to watch.”
“I’m not-I’m not ready for sex,” I sputtered out. “I-I can’t?—”
“Then make her come.” Church settled back in his chair and steepled his fingers. “We don’t mind watching that either.”
I swallowed hard and glanced around the room. No one was protesting.
Fuck. I was going to end up embarrassing myself.
Again.
“All you have to really do is lie back and let her take the lead,” Ashes said. “Unless you have other ideas.”
“What do you want?” I whispered to Sirena, deciding it should be her choice. “You want me to make you come?”
She trailed her lips along my jaw before humming softly in my ear.
Damn, I wanted to, but I knew myself.
If I excused myself to the bathroom, they’d know I was a fucking twerp. I had to make it through this.
What a damn problem to have.
She slid off my lap, went to her knees, and reached for the button on my pants.
I took a deep breath, trying to focus solely on her and not the audience we had. She unbuttoned my jeans, and I shifted so she could remove my pants.
Carefully, she pulled me free from my boxers and stroked me.
My fucking body was tense, but my dick came to life the moment she touched me. It was supposed to be about her, but she took the lead and licked up my shaft.
“Fuck,” I groaned, tangling my fingers in her hair with a trembling touch.
There was no way I was going to make it. Especially if she sucked me?—
“Oh my god.” The words tumbled out of my mouth as she engulfed my dick with her mouth.
“S-Sirena,” I choked out as she worked me over. My eyes rolled back in my head at the intense pleasure she was delivering to me.
This wasn’t going to work. Not one fucking bit.
I could already feel myself ready to burst.
I went to pull her off me, but it was too late. She sucked harder, and I came, my body practically convulsing as I unloaded in her mouth.
I didn’t even last five fucking minutes.
Stitches and Church both chuckled, sending my humiliation soaring to new levels.
She swallowed me down and wiped her lips.
“That was… fast,” Ashes said, wincing at me.
I hiked my pants up and stumbled past Sirena. I didn’t stop until I was in the bathroom. I swore softly and stared at myself in the mirror, tears burning my eyes.
“Fuck,” I snarled. “FUCK!”
I didn’t want to think the watchers did this to me to humiliate me, but what the fuck? I couldn’t blame them, though. This was my problem. One I’d never had in my entire fucking life, but with her…
GODDAMNIT.
A soft knock sounded on the door, and I quickly wiped my eyes.
“Yeah?” I called out.
“You decent?” Mirage asked through the door.
“Yeah,” I muttered.
He opened the door, came in, and closed the door behind him.
“You OK?” he asked as I washed my hands.
“I’m fine,” I said, turning the water off.
“Don’t lie to me.”
I sighed and looked at him. “I look like a fucking idiot. I just came in her mouth in under five fucking minutes. That has to be some kind of record.”
Mirage didn’t say anything for a moment.
“We’ll work on it.”
“How?” I demanded. “How the fuck do I work on it? Maybe-maybe I shouldn’t be with her. I can’t do shit right?—”
Mirage reached out and took me by the shoulders and gave me a shake.
“Stop,” he said. “You may be too stupid to see it, but I just saw a girl who gives a fuck ton about your pleasure just swallow you down and forego her own desires. She knew she could have crawled onto your lap and dry humped the fuck out of you, but she chose to give you something first. Focus on that.”
I shook my head and looked past him.
“You just need to get laid,” Mirage said.
I snorted. “How? I can’t last two fucking minutes.”
“Tolerance. My carrot idea is still an option.”
I rolled my eyes. “No thanks.”
“You could fuck someone else,” he said softly, his tone serious, as he dropped his hands from my shoulders. “Lucy, maybe.”
I snapped my attention to him. “I am not fucking someone else. I don’t goddamn cheat on my girl.”
“You’re thinking about leaving her.” He cocked his head to the right and nodded. “You think it’ll be better.”
I looked down at my feet. “I’m embarrassed, man. I can’t compete with these guys. There’s no fucking way.” I breathed out. “Do you fuck other girls? Like, recently.”
“Mm, not recently,” he said. “It’s been a few weeks, but yes.”
“Even though you love her?”
He nodded. “They don’t mean shit to me. It’s more of a duty working for Everett and all that. Sometimes I do it and pretend they’re her. It helps.”
“I can’t do that. I love her. I want her to be my first. My last. My only.”
“Then do it. Stop waiting. You’re scared. You’re embarrassed. I get it. But you have to move past that shit. Take her if you want her. I have an idea. We can practice.”
“I’m not letting you put that carrot in my ass,” I said wearily.
He chuckled. “I’m not going to jam my carrot in your ass. I have another idea. Come on. Let’s get out there. You can’t stay in here all night.”
“How the fuck am I supposed to go out there and face them, face her, after that shit?”
“You hold your fucking head high and just do it.” He opened the door. “Come on.”
As much as I wanted to just climb through the fucking bathroom window and disappear into the night, I followed him back to the living room.
Sirena was cuddled up on Sin’s lap when we entered the room. She smiled sweetly at me before untangling herself from him and coming to me.
“Hey, cupcake,” I murmured. “I’m sorry about that. I’m…” I looked around the room to see the guys watching me.
God, how fucking embarrassing. What they had to be thinking. Probably ready to boot my ass out after only just joining.
She didn’t let me finish. She pushed me down onto the couch, removed her hoodie and sweatpants, and straddled my lap. I stared up at her, my heart beating hard.
Her lips met mine in a soft kiss. I could taste alcohol on them. She’d drunk something. I knew she was high because her eyes were so glassy.
She unbuttoned my pants again. She didn’t even try to take them off. Ashes moved forward, tugging them down my legs for me, and gave me a wink.
I didn’t like Church and Sin hurt her earlier. The blood was still visible on the bandage. I was careful to avoid squeezing her too hard on her hip as she ground her hot pussy against my bare cock.
Breathe. Easy. Focus. Give this to her. She wants it. You can do this. You have to do this. Don’t fucking embarrass yourself again.
I had to admit, it felt good to have her on me like that.
I didn’t much care for having an audience, but that was probably because I didn’t want to blow it for a second time in front of them and never live it down.
She continued to grind against me. Her lips met mine again, and I deepened the kiss. She moaned softly as she moved faster.
I vowed I wasn’t going to come at all this time. This was all about her.
I jutted my hips upward to meet her grind. Within moments, she was unraveling for me, her body trembling and her pussy soaking my groin from her orgasm.
I slowed her to a stop, and she stared into my eyes, her brows crinkled.
“Just you,” I murmured to her.
She understood and kissed me again.
When she broke away, it was because Church was taking her and bringing her to his lap.
I exhaled, feeling like I did a decent job. Ashes gave me a quick thumbs up, and Mirage nodded.
Sin and Stitches had gotten up and were trying to join Church and her.
“Come on,” Mirage said, nodding his head to the patio. “Let’s talk.”
I knew he didn’t want to see Sirena being fucked, so I followed him out to the patio after grabbing my jacket.
“You did good, man. I’m proud of you,” he said as he leaned against the railing.
“Thanks. Did I look like a fucking noob?”
“No. You looked like a man who loves a woman and wanted to make her happy. It was hot, honestly. Got my dick hard.”
I snorted at him.
“You’re going to do fine. I think you’re in your head too much. Always thinking. Stop thinking. Just do it and enjoy it.”
“Is that your idea to help me?”
“Mostly. Either that or my carrot.”
I rolled my eyes. “Do you think it will help?”
“The carrot? Couldn’t hurt.”
“No, man. If I got out of my head and just went for it.”
“Yeah. I do. I think you overthink. Once you’re in the moment with a girl, it’s different. Yeah, it feels good, but I think you won’t feel so pressured once you do it. If the first time sucks, you have a fuck ton of times to make it up. Just do it.”
We were quiet for a moment as I contemplated his words.
“Why did you want to come out here?” I asked, deciding to change the subject.
“I’m not ready to see them rail into her,” he said, staring up at the stars. “I guess I’m like you in that respect. I want us to be alone when it’s my time with her. At least at first.”
“Are you ever really alone?”
He smirked at me and tapped his head. “No.”
We both stared out at the frozen lake.
“What have you seen, Mirage?”
“That shit is going to get rough. I don’t know everything. Just know bad shit is around the corner.”
“And Sully? What are you going to do about that?”
“Play the game,” he murmured. “Play to win.”
I looked at him. “Are you sure? It’s going to fuck you up.”
“Rather it fuck me up than her,” he said, looking over at me. “I owe her after the shit we put her through.”
“Paying your penance,” I said softly.
He went back to being silent, and I looked back through the window to see Church had moved Sirena to the couch and was between her legs, Stitches’s dick buried in her throat while Sin and Ashes watched.
Someday, I’d be in there with them.
I breathed in, vowing it would be sooner rather than later.
It was time I claimed her.
Maybe Mirage was right.
I just needed to do it.