Chapter 17
Fawnie
After Shadow fell asleep, I got up to get some water.
I checked on Bubby and found her sleeping happily in her little wool cave bed on the couch.
I left the door open so the hall light could filter into the room, in case Shadow woke up and had no idea where he was.
I undressed, put on a t-shirt and cotton pajama bottoms and crawled under the blankets.
Shadow was on top of them, still curled on his side, sleeping soundly.
I thought maybe it would be less intrusive to him if I kept a thin barrier of blankets between us.
Ridiculous in a way, considering what we did last night.
But I get the impression with him that intimacy scares him.
Not in the way some men give you all the bullshit about not wanting to be tied down.
In Shadow’s case, it’s like he’s afraid to open up.
So I want to respect his boundaries until he’s ready to let me in.
I wake with a start, blinking into the early morning sunlight spilling into the room.
I immediately run the events of yesterday and last night over in my mind when I find Shadow sitting with his back pressed up against the headboard.
Bubby is on the end of the bed. She’s stretched out, sleeping happily on her side, with one paw touching the tip of Shadow’s foot.
He fell asleep with his boots on. With his jacket on.
He’s in a t-shirt, jeans, and gray socks.
I’m instantly awake. My heart trips over itself. He didn’t leave. He shed his clothing and boots because he was either uncomfortable or too hot, but he didn’t just walk right out of here.
“Shadow?” I prop myself up on my elbow, staring up at him with blatant concern. I take in his tight jaw, tense shoulders, the fact that he’s so rigid. His eyes are so vacant, but they’re shiny. He seems so brittle that he’s about to break. “Are you sick?”
I get out of the blankets and sit cross-legged facing him. My hand shoots out before I can stop myself. His forehead is a little bit clammy, but cool. He’s not fevered.
His eyes shift to my face, and it’s the way he slow blinks like he can’t believe he’s really here, or that I could look at him like I truly care, because I do, that makes me swing a leg over both of his.
I kneel over him, keeping all of my weight to myself.
I run my hand through his hair and bring it around to cup his jaw.
He lifts his hand and I think he’s going to brush mine away, but he fumbles for something under his shirt. I’m a little shocked to see that he’s wearing a gold crucifix. He smooths the small cross, fingers working over and over the same spot.
“Hey.” I tip his chin up. “What are you thinking about?” It’s pretty clear that he’s not going to answer.
He turns his face away, but it tilts to the side. His fingers work harder, almost aggressive. I can’t watch the abject misery on his face and not have my heart break, especially not when his eyes start to glisten brightly with unshed tears.
My chest turns to lead, my heart throbbing with worry and pain at seeing Shadow’s anguish.
I don’t want to be clingy and suffocate this poor man, but if it’s companionship and a soul to soul connection that he needs and doesn’t know how to ask for, I want to give that to him.
I take a chance and drop my hand to his.
“Can I tell you something, Finn?” He grunts at the sound of his name.
I don’t know if that’s a yes, but he hasn’t shoved me off of him and tried to leave either.
“We think we don’t need to be told things like this, but I think we do, so I’m going to say it, and I’d like you to listen.
You don’t have to believe me right away. It might need time to sink in.”
Whatever’s going on in his head, he’s too weary to even slam up proper shields.
His eyes stay on mine, unblinking, glistening with tears I want to kiss away before they break both our hearts.
I’m definitely doing nothing to hide what I feel.
I probably have heart eyes going strong.
I don’t know if he doesn’t notice, or if he chooses not to see, but at least he doesn’t panic.
He’s likely used to seeing it.
I don’t know if I’ve ever been able to hide anything when I look at him.
I cup his face and brush my lips against his.
“You’re more than enough,” I whisper against them.
“You’re enough a thousand times over.” I put enough space between us that he can see the truth in my face when I give him the words I know he needs to hear.
“The fact that you exist in this world is my favorite thing ever. Your life matters. What you want matters. Your heart and all your feelings matter to me. You’re a good person with a beautiful soul.
I know it’s way too soon to say this, but you mean so much to me.
If you wanted to mean everything one day, I’d let you.
I’d love you the best I could. As close to unconditionally as a flawed person can get.
” I heave out a breath, shaking at the admission. I didn’t mean to go that far.
He doesn’t riot, or shove me off, or gather his things to panic rush out of here. He doesn’t snark me with dry humor, or stand up and shove the robe off and instruct me to look at his scars and tell him again just how beautiful he is.
He finally blinks and the tears that have sat unshed in his eyes spill over.
My heart shatters so loudly that the explosion of all those tender pieces seems to ring in my ears.
“Finn.” I gather the tears up with my lips, kissing the salt away.
I kiss his face tenderly until there’s no trace of them left, taking his misery inside of me. I want to give him back something lighter and kinder.
I carefully arrange my hands behind his neck, leaning forward to engulf him in a hug.
Or what I can of him, at least. He’s huge and I’m not.
I hold him and he leans forward just enough that he settles his chin against my collarbones and turns his nose into the crook of my neck.
I expect that he’ll remain stiff, but he surprises me by wrapping his arms around my back.
I melt against him and he sags into me, his familiar husky, raspy breaths filling up the room.
Can you love someone you don’t know? If you can, I’ve loved him since the moment his arms closed around me and he carried me out of the flames and went back for Bubby.
I’ve loved him every day since, without knowing his name.
And if it’s not possible, I know him now.
Maybe not well enough, some people might argue but fuck that.
Everyone is different and every person deserves to have their own story and to be able to tell it.
I love this man.
I hope he can feel it radiating out of me along with all my body heat. I hope he can feel it throbbing from my heart as it beats pressed up against his chest.
I love this man.
A man that no one has loved properly. His own mother didn’t.
He trusted her and she wounded him so badly that I don’t know if it will ever heal.
I have no doubt that the guys at the club love Shadow like a brother, but what he needs is to be loved for all of who he is.
I don’t think he’s allowed anyone to get close enough for that.
I want to stand beside him. Do the best parts of life and the shit parts together.
I want to unabashedly be able to tell him how much I care, share all the depths of me.
I want to reveal myself to him and let him do the same.
No shame. No judgment. Just acceptance, warmth, and love in ways he’s never known.
He can have all my raw honesty right down to my own soul, whenever he wants it.
Building trust, letting him know that he can rely on me, letting him know that I’ll always be right here for him and with him from the smallest detail to the biggest triumph, is what’s important.
I don’t have to tell him all the things that are in my heart yet.
I can show him. Of course there’s fear in me, that he’ll reject me or he’ll just up and leave and be the one to ruin me, or he’ll break my heart without even meaning to, but listening to fear isn’t healthy.
Trusting your gut and your instincts and learning how to give your all to something you truly believe in, or to someone, is a special gift. I want to be able to give that.
Even if it hurts later.
Even if I’m scared shitless even thinking about not having this man in my life.
He’ll always be with me, and I know I’ll always be with him. We’ve changed each other irrevocably, not just on that night years ago, but right now, right here, locked in each other’s arms.
I trace small circles at the base of his neck and pull back, dropping kisses over his cheeks, the bridge of his nose, his jaw, ending at his lips. It’s not the kind of scalding kiss that I gave him last night. It’s slow and intimate and demands nothing in return.
“Can I make you breakfast?” I ask as I pull back.
His eyes flutter open. They’re a little bloodshot, rain washed, slightly red around the rims. They’re also the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen, windows to a deeply misunderstood, precious soul.
“Or tea?” I can’t stop my shit-eating grin. “I’m kidding. I have coffee. I could make us peanut butter banana sandwiches.”
He sighs deeply, shoulders heaving. “You like peanut butter banana?”
“Yeah. On the fluffiest white bread with zero nutritional value. I find it pairs well with a double espresso first thing in the morning.”
His eyes flick up to the ceiling, then back to my face. He seems more alarmed by the breakfast offer than anything I told him. “I’ve tried very hard to find you not perfect in every way, but there you go, proving me wrong. And I’m just here… just me.”
“I already know you’re not perfect, and that’s okay.” I kiss his cheek again. “It’s okay to be you. I like you. I like everything you are. More than enough. Always.”
He swallows thickly and audibly. I sweep my leg over the edge of the bed and off of his lap. I leave him alone with his thoughts, not because I want them to spin and wound him, but because I think it’s normal to need some privacy after a heavy, emotional conversation.
I don’t rush with the sandwiches or with making our espresso. For breakfast, I like fancy coffee. I like mine with steamed milk, and that naturally takes a while. I make him a double in a small mug and bring it and the plate back to the bedroom.
Shadow is sitting on the edge of the bed, feet on the floor, curled into himself.
He looks up when he hears my footsteps. I have the sandwiches on one plate on my left hand, leaving my other free to thread my fingers through the mug handles.
He brightens when he sees the coffee. He inhales, drinking in the fragrant aroma of dark, rich espresso. It overrides everything else, even the sweetness of the bananas.
“Mmm,” he mumbles. The gold flecks in the deep brown of his eyes light up when I set the mug into his hands.
The golden sun highlights the room so that I can see the twisted skin on the backs of his hands, twirling over some of his fingers.
“Mmm,” I agree. I brush a kiss over his forehead and plop down beside him and lean my head on his shoulder.
Bubby hasn’t moved. She’s just close enough that I can reach out and stroke her soft side.
“Thank you for staying last night,” I whisper.
“I know that you were tired but thank you for not leaving when you woke up. It had to feel like the only safe, reasonable thing to do, but you stayed.”
He doesn’t say anything, but I hear how loud he swallows before he even sips his coffee.
I reach over him and grab a triangle piece of my sandwich. “When’s the next time you work?”
His mug pauses halfway to his mouth. “Why? That sounds ominous.”
I laugh. “No. I have a surprise for you.”
He groans.
Yeah. The last time I tried to do something for him, it was a bit of a disaster, but just a little bit.
It ended in a good meal with laughter and obvious love between family and friends.
We might not have all known each other well, and it had the potential to be hella-awkward with my mom and Rita both there, but it wasn’t.
It turned into tonight, the first night we’ve spent together, and while I regret the pain and anxiety Shadow obviously felt before the symphony and his turmoil before it started, I can’t regret that I held him, that I kissed him, that I was there with him and he was here with me.
“I know, but this is a good one. I promise. It’s just you and me and your office.”
He blows out a long breath. “Tomorrow night. Thank god, or I might fucking combust before then.”
He knows it’s a sexy surprise, but he has no idea. I want to do something for him that I’ve never done with anyone. A super-hot, kind of filthy, first that I can give him.
I pass him a slice of his sandwich and try very hard to keep a straight face. “I promise it will be worth the wait.”