Chapter 58 The Claw of Fear #2
I tore around the corner into his stable to find my dragon on his feet, nostrils flared and eyes fixed directly on me. His low rumble shook the stones under my feet and shivered through the building. I staggered to a halt in front of my dragon, panting, chest heaving.
He stared at me, not speaking, until something inside my chest cracked.
‘Kgosi, that man wants her.’
‘And she will not give herself.’
‘No, but what if he decides to take?!’
‘Akhane will protect her, and now Benji as well. Don’t underestimate him. He’s beginning to grow, and his courage is great.’
‘Benji? Are you joking? He’s a child—Bren could fight better—’
‘Then you have even less to worry about.’
‘That’s not—’
‘Donavyn, listen to yourself. Look at yourself. Think!’
I stared into those fathomless eyes, and the thing in my chest that had cracked, broke open.
Shit. Shit.
‘Keg, I can’t lose her.’
‘If you must, you will.’
I shuddered. ‘No. I can’t.’
‘She is in the Creator’s hands, Donavyn. Do you think it’s within your power to pull her from His grasp?’
‘No, but—’
‘There is no but.’ Kgosi snorted, washing me in that strange, choking smoke and steam that he’d used on us both after Bren severed our bond.
It burned in my throat and made my eyes sting, but when I’d finished coughing and blinked away the tears, my head was clearer, and my panic had eased to mere terror.
And I faced my dragon, and his solemn eyes locked on mine.
‘You have two choices, Donavyn: Attempt to control everything that occurs around you, and live in constant fear. Or trust the One whose power is truly paramount, and who is invested in your wellbeing.’
I clawed both hands into my hair. “God doesn’t always stop the world from destroying us—look what happened to Bren.”
‘And look where she is, as a result of it. Do you truly believe she’d be here, with us, if she’d been a happily married farmgirl? Would she carry this new strength she now possesses if she hadn’t had to overcome?’
I didn’t want to answer him, because the truth was, even though I knew that was true, I didn’t want to believe that that’s what it took to bring a woman to her purpose.
‘Ah, and now we find the true foundation of your vengeance, Donavyn.’
‘What? What are you—’
‘You wish God ill.’
‘What?! No! I wish Bren to be healthy and safe, and us to be together and—’
‘And you are unwilling to accept the Creator’s plan, if it would mean further pain?’
‘No, but—’
‘You question the Creator’s choices.’
‘I—’
‘You believe you could do better? You believe you have the power, the knowledge, the wisdom—’
‘Kgosi, STOP!’
I had sunk into the straw, hands clawed into it, my back to the wall of his stable. My heart still pounded, though I had stopped running minutes before. It threatened to burst out of my chest.
‘I knew you, Donavyn, when your heart was yet unformed, and your mind could have taken either path.’
‘Either path? What either path—what paths? You chose me. That was my path.’
Kgosi rumbled and nudged towards me in the straw. ‘Two strong hearts, two minds with pride, two powerful males… we had two possible paths, Donavyn—either to be the strength and honor this world needed. Or to take our power for ourselves. We chose correctly. At least, we have so far.’
I gaped at him. “What are you saying?”
‘I’m saying, you still have a choice. Should you choose yourself over God’s plan and purpose for you, He will allow it. He warns against it, because He knows only pain lies on that journey. But if you choose your own way, He will not force you to follow His way.’
‘I’m not trying to choose any path! I’m trying to save my mate from destruction!’
‘You see what she is, what she was made to be, the purpose she has been assigned, and the task she now undertakes… and yet, you fight.’
Rage punched me in the chest and I leaped to my feet, pointing at his smug snout. ‘I see a woman who was almost broken by men who were selfish, and a world that rejected her—and I didn’t!’
‘Yet.’
‘Yet? There is no yet! I’m not letting her go—’
‘Precisely my point, Donavyn.’
I frowned, heart thudding in my chest. “I don’t understand.”
Kgosi, his steps heavy, his body cramped in this space, lumbered forward and placed his wide face right on my chest, leaning into me and sighing heavily.
Despite my shaking, I was touched. I swallowed hard and embraced his face, laying my cheek against the broad expanse between his eyes, and scratching his eye-ridges.
“Keg, what’s going on?”
‘I love you, Donavyn. You are precious to me.’
I swallowed a sudden lump in my throat. ‘As you are, to me. And I love you too, but—’
‘If I were to allow my fear to overcome me, I would shield you from all of this,’ he said in a low, heavy voice.
‘I would curl you under my wing, and allow none of it to touch you… and eventually, you would die. Because you were not made to sit in the safety of my shadow. You were made to lead. If I were to hold you from that, to keep you safe so that I did not fear, it would be the end of you.’
Oh, God. I thought I knew what he meant and I shook my head because I didn’t want to—
‘Donavyn, would you choose a life in which you acted, led, and worked—and perhaps died in your purpose—or one in which you were kept safe, swaddled from the world, and did nothing?’
I swallowed hard. “I’d choose to die pursuing what fills me,” I said hoarsely.
Kgosi rumbled approvingly. ‘And what do you think your mate would choose?’
I closed my eyes, quavering—until I thought of her in the hands of that black-haired shit and I shuddered. ‘This isn’t that. Kgosi, I was made to lead—as you said—and also to protect! You said, our mates were given to use for our protection, and our guidance—’
‘Protection from themselves, because none of us are perfect. Protection from evil only we might see on their behalf. Not protection from their purpose. Not protection from the plan made for them since before time.’
He blew a heavy breath from his nostrils, steaming my feet and legs. I almost turned away. I didn’t want to hear him be right.
I knew he was right.
But it meant… ‘I can’t let her go into the hands of a man that would destroy her.’
‘That’s the key, Donavyn. You don’t. You let her go into the hands of the Creator, who will empower her to fulfill every purpose she was given.’
‘But—’
‘You want Talon dead because he harmed her, because he hurt her. But without him, she would never have reached you.’
‘So, he shouldn’t be punished for destroying her? Abandoning her?’
‘Yes, he should be punished, and he will,’ Kgosi intoned, with every ounce of authority in his ancient bones. His dominance so heavy, it made me quiver. ‘But let the Creator select the time and place of his punishment. It is not your purpose to choose that.’
My head reeled. ‘But I would die for her, Keg. This isn’t selfish, I’d die for her.’
‘You’d also kill for her, and could you imagine what that would do to her, watching you be punished for what those men did? What do you think it would do to her? What do you think she would choose between your hands on his throat, and your execution, or his continued life?’
I slumped. ‘It would destroy her. She’d want me with her. Free.’
‘So, why do you cling to this hate? Why do you wrestle with vengeance?’
I swallowed and tried to do my dragon justice. Why was I so afraid? Why was I so angry? ‘Because I want to be the one who saves her,’ I said finally, shaking my head to clear it, though it didn’t need clearing. It was possible I’d never been clearer in my life.
I just wished I didn’t hate what I saw.
‘You want to be her God. You want to be her Savior. You want to be admired—and to indulge your rage with prideful hate. It’s not about her, Donavyn.’
‘I love her! I want her safe!’
‘Those are things you can continue to do better by living in health, and wisdom, and selflessness.’
Would I really choose my own grim satisfaction in killing Ruin, over her continued protection in a world in which he existed?
I hated what my dragon was saying. Hated to admit it to myself.
But so far, the answer to that question had been yes.
‘How do I protect her, love her, keep her safe, and not simply allow men like that to have their way?’
‘You fight evil, Donavyn. You retain honor. You lead others to do the same. You mold the world into a place where those little assholes are not tolerated. And you trust that the Creator who brought her to you, will heal her, and will punish the man who tried to destroy her.’
I sank back into the straw and let my head fall back against the wall. “Can you find her if we need to? If you become aware of a… a problem?”
‘I can. As can you, if you’re willing to listen.’
I swallowed hard.
‘But there will be no need, Donavyn, Akhane has a purpose as well. And it is to protect her.’
‘And the strange dragons?’
‘This is about so much more than dragons, Donavyn.’
I slumped, covering my face in my hands, and started to pray.
Because I wasn’t done being angry. I wasn’t done being afraid. I couldn’t be there where she was, and I would remain terrified until she was back in my arms. But I’d also heard my dragon. Heard his wisdom. And I knew he was right.
I need help, I pleaded. Keep her safe. Keep her smart. Let her see through traps. And let her stay in her strength. Then… help me to wait and trust. I need help.
I need a lot of help with that.