Chapter 19 Tell Me the Truth
~ DONAVYN ~
I snuck back into our chambers an hour before first light, the hood loose around my shoulders.
Any guards or servants who saw me at this time would assume I’d been with Kgosi—which was correct.
I planned to return to bed and try to sleep for a couple of hours, so was careful to open and close the door into our suite very quietly, wincing when the door handle creaked.
But when I slipped into the bedroom, Bren was awake and sitting up in bed, with the note I’d left spread on her knee.
When I stepped inside, her head snapped up and she gave a deep sigh. ‘Thank God. Tell me what happened.’
‘He agreed. I’ll send Benji to him tomorrow—Ruin sends every Fourthday.’
Her jaw dropped. ‘Every week?!’
‘Apparently. It remains to be seen if the notes are sent to the same people. But even if they aren’t… why send on the same day every week? It’s a risk—and against protocol.’ Inconsistency was key to obscuring our intent in this game. A predictable spy was a dead—or compromised one.
Bren’s expression was shocked, but I knew she’d be more bothered by my other news. I sat on the side of the bed and took her hand.
Her head snapped up—she’d been looking at my note—and her eyes were wary.
‘I need to tell you… I also learned that Ruin knew we were here—or at least, that I was—before you discovered him.’
She didn’t respond, just stared at me. But I felt the chill creep through her in the bond.
‘I’ve been thinking about it my entire trip back,’ I went on, holding her shocked gaze.
‘If Ruin knew we were here, it would explain how he got to you so quickly at the inn. But then, why was he shocked when you found him—you were certain he didn’t expect to see you?
I find that confusing,’ I told her. ‘I don’t like being confused. ’
Bren swallowed. ‘He was shocked by me,’ she said, even in the bond her voice was faint. ‘He didn’t expect to see me. Specifically. You said he knew you had a chit with you?’
‘Yes.’
‘Well… however he learned that, he didn’t know who I was—because he was furious when he saw me. Convinced I’d somehow followed him. Come looking for him. As if I pursued him. Unrelated to the dragons.’
She slipped her hand out from under mine and hugged herself, shaking her head. I couldn’t tell if she was on the verge of tears, or rage.
‘Bren. Talk to me,’ I sent carefully. ‘This won’t get easier. Talk to me about him. And how you’re feeling.’
Demonstrable rightness, I reminded myself.
Bren stared at me as if she wasn’t sure what to speak of first. Then she huffed. “I’m furious that he still holds any place in my mind, let alone between us, or in our lives,” she muttered.
I shook my head. ‘He takes no place between us. None.’
‘But he has, Donavyn. I thought I was free of it. I thought you’d freed me—I knew you meant to. And I felt like you had. But these last few days, he’s… I keep remembering…’
I took her hand again. ‘You had a shock and needed time. That is not giving him a place. That is giving you time to heal.’
She stared at me, and the rigidity left her jaw, but her eyes shone with something more than love. Her brow furrowed—worry, or fear, or both.
I leaned in, cupping her face and drawing her closer. ‘Stop hurting yourself. Stop worrying. I’ll wait,’ I sent.
Her eyes welled. ‘But… I don’t want to wait. I don’t want to give him more time and space and… I don’t want any of this anymore. I want… I want you. I don’t want to think about him—I want to be consumed by you.’
It wasn’t hard to smile at that. “You know I’m always happy to consume you, Love.”
She smiled, but it faded quickly. “I’ve wanted you for days.”
I lifted one hand to trace back a strand of hair that hung down her cheek. “What kept you away?”
I regretted the question the moment she tensed. “Because I’m afraid of… freezing up. Or crying. Or… I don’t know. I just feel fragile. I want you. Then I think about it, and I get scared.”
Aching inside for her, I stared into her eyes. “Do you know, to your bones, that if you tell me to stop, I will? Always?”
She nodded, but the fear didn’t leave her gaze.
“And do you know, without even a flicker of doubt, that I love you, whether we join or not?”
“I think so.”
I frowned. “You aren’t certain?” I was surprised by the pain that sang in my chest at that. “Let me make you certain. Bren, it is you I love, not your body. I mean—” I caught myself in horror, realizing what I’d said. “Of course, I adore your body, but that’s not, I mean, it wasn’t—”
To my relief, Bren laughed, then leaned forward and kissed me. But before I could reach for her, she pulled away again. “I know, Donavyn. I believe you. Don’t worry.”
We stared at each other and Kgosi’s advice rang in my head.
But I wasn’t sure how to take that step with her in such a fragile state.
I cleared my throat. “Bren, when you’re ready, I’ll love you with my body—and if, in the midst of that, you grow fearful, or sad, or simply stop wanting me, I’ll give you whatever space you need.
” I cupped her face and pulled her back to me. “And I won’t make you pay for it.”
Her breath caught and her eyes reddened. At first, I thought I’d misjudged. But then she nodded, and put her hand over mine on her cheek. “Of course. I know that. I just—”
“No, Bren… hear me. Because it’s true. Whatever we do, we do together, or not at all. I would be horrified if I asked something of you and it made you feel even a hint of what he made you feel.” I stared into her eyes as she blinked away tears, stroked her cheek with my thumb. “I’m yours.”
“And I’m yours,” she breathed.
“Not what I meant.”
“What—?”
“I’m yours, Bren. Whatever you want me for. However you want it… I’m yours.”
She looked shocked, and uncertain, so I stood up and turned to face the bed where she sat, opening my hands and showing her that I was surrendered.
“Tell me what would make you feel loved and sure. Should I undress? Go to sleep in the other bed? Touch you? Tell me. Whatever you want, Bren. I’m yours. ”
She gazed at me, wide-eyed. Stunned.