Chapter 42 The Ache of You
~ brEN ~
Only one corridor deeper into the castle, dashing tears from my cheeks with the back of one hand, I was heading for a less-used wing, planning to take the servants’ stairs out to the courtyard and run to Akhane from there.
But two shadows separated from a dark corner of the landing in the middle of the stairs and I sucked in a breath to scream.
Gil clapped a hand to my mouth, and Voski hissed in my ear. “It’s just us!”
My heart hammered so loudly in my head, I struggled to hear him, but I pulled myself together, gripping the straps of my bags and fixed them both with a glare.
“What are you doing here?”
“We were coming to find you!”
I gave Voski a flat look. “I don’t need you. I’m just flying. No one will even know I’m gone. I’m safe.”
“Like fuck,” Gil muttered. “Flying where?”
“Home for me—and you’re reporting to Donavyn in the morning to help him, so get some rest,” I whispered checking over my shoulder.
“I can’t… it’s too… look, I have orders.
You have to help Donavyn. Both of you.” God forgive me for hiding his wishes from them.
Forgive me for the lie, but I knew Donavyn needed them more than I did.
Voski eyed me like he’d heard the thought, but I kept my face straight and glanced over my shoulder again, feeling a pang from Donavyn that matched the ache in my chest because I wanted nothing except to be close to him again. But when I turned back to them, both of them glared.
Voski was too perceptive, and Gil was too suspicious. If I didn’t do something to distract them, they’d figure out that I was hiding something, so I remembered Gil’s advice about the best defense is an offense, and I leaned in, whispering like I shared a secret.
“I’m not supposed to tell you, but… Donavyn’s going after Ruin.”
Voski went very still. Gil smiled.
“When?” Voski asked abruptly.
“In the morning. I can’t say more, but—”
“Go,” Voski said quietly to Gil, turning to our brother. “The things we discussed, go prepare. And get some sleep—but be in place before dawn.”
Gil nodded and started to turn, but then jerked back to me. “Wait… you’re flying?”
I felt Gil’s tension as I swallowed back tears and made myself raise my chin. “Yes. I can’t say more than that.”
Gil’s lips thinned, but he stepped forward and pulled me into a hug, lifting me and my bag as he squeezed me until I saw stars. “Stay alive!” he hissed in my ear, and the echo of Donavyn’s words made my vision blur. I nodded against his shoulder.
“You too.”
Then he set me down, and he was gone.
I waited until he disappeared at the top of the stairs before turning to Voski—whose eyes were narrowed and his expression stern.
“What’s really going on? You’ve got that look.”
“Look? What look?”
“When you were hiding what was going on with Donavyn… look, it doesn’t matter. I sent Gil off. He doesn’t need to know, and I won’t tell him—but you’re flying. You’ve got a bag. And you’re weepy. This isn’t a stealth patrol.”
Dammit. I shrugged the bag higher on my shoulder. “I can’t—my orders—”
“Bullshit. I read the messages Bren. And you just told us about the General. What are you up to?”
I cursed under my breath and considered my options. But I couldn’t get past the fact that Donavyn needed both of them more than me, so in the end, I told him the truth.
“I need you to stay here and look after him. Donavyn thinks he has to take care of me by sending you. But you and I both know Ruin won’t give two shits about honor.
He’s scheming to kill Donavyn because he thinks that will kill Kgosi.
Please, you have to stay here and help him, because he’ll put himself at risk to keep me safe. You know that!”
“Is that the orders you were given? To tell me to stay here?”
I stared at him for a second, then swallowed hard. “Voski… do you remember when we talked about Ronen, and why… why he’d never… be one of us?”
His expression grew guarded. “Yeah. Why?”
“Because… I’m telling you… sometimes… sometimes doing the wrong thing for the right reason is the right thing to do.”
His jaw rolled. “Who are you flying after?” he muttered, eyeing my leathers.
“No one! Literally, I am carrying a message. A very important one! Donavyn will tell you more when the time is right. No one even knows I’m leaving.
They won’t know until it’s too late.” I clenched my jaw and hissed at him between my teeth.
“You have to help him, even if he resists. You know what he’s like! ”
“But that means you’re flying alone… right?” Voski asked pointedly.
I nodded. “Who do you think is safer: Me with Akhane in the dark when no one knows? Or Donavyn here with these fuckers?”
“You, of course. But if they find out—”
“Even if they find out in the morning, I’ve got hours of headstart.
And we’re flying alone. We’ll barely stop.
I’m going to be fine—Akhane will protect me.
But Donavyn… you need to watch out for him.
Please!” I hadn’t meant to get emotional.
Had been determined to keep this professional. To convince him as a fellow Shadowfang.
But as I spoke, I envisioned it—Donavyn walking sternly, proudly, without hesitation to confront Ruin. The pure goodness in him. The ways he’d be prepared to give himself up as long as it saved others. What I’d lose—what we’d all lose—if he didn’t win.
He would win.
He had to win.
Please, God, let him win!
Voski stared at me, intent.
“I’m not telling you this as his mate, I’m telling you this as your sister: He needs you more than me. You know that! There’s so few people we can trust. I know he can trust you. Voski… please…”
His lips pursed and he muttered a curse under his breath as he clawed a hand through his hair, but he nodded reluctantly.
“Thank you. Thank you!” I hugged him quickly, squeezing hard, but not letting myself hold on, because I was fraying at the edges. I had to get out of here. Had to get onto Akhane and hold her instead, and fly.
We had to fly like the wind.
“Don’t worry about me. Akhane will keep me safe.”
Voski didn’t talk, just nodded, his eyes dark and intent as he clasped my arm, then let me go, watching me, grim-faced as I drew back, trotting down the stairs and looking at him over my shoulder. “Thank you,” I repeated, then swallowed back the lump in my throat. “God bless you.”
Then I ran.
The chill wind of night flight dried the tears from my cheeks. Akhane had remained mostly silent as I’d harnessed her and prepared for takeoff. To my surprise, Kgosi wasn’t present, but then, neither was Donavyn. So maybe I understood.
The first minutes of flight were breathless and dark. I wrestled a heavy weight of grief and fear that curled its fingers around my neck and wanted to drag me from my dragon’s back. And I felt a similar turmoil in Akhane. The yearning to return battling defiance for our enemies.
Below us, Emberholt city shrank slowly, the circular walls of each district lined with streetlights and lanterns even at this late hour.
I remembered my first view of the city from Kgosi’s back, Donavyn’s steel arms around me and his chest vibrating at my back as he growled instructions in my ear. My stomach churned with the ache to return, but I swallowed and focused on Akhane.
‘We need to lean east. Avoid Hanson’s country estate and those dragons.’
‘Yes. Kgosi made it clear,’ she replied in a weary voice, though the hint of her dry humor was there. Kgosi had, apparently, been quite clear with his instructions.
Neither of us spoke again for almost an hour. I wondered if my dragon, like me, fought with her own emotions. Or if the dragons, so certain of their place in this world and their purpose, accepted these unknowns with the same aplomb they faced other challenges.
‘I am certain of my path, Little Flame, but that does not mean I love less than you,’ she chided me.
‘I’m sorry, Akhane. I didn’t mean—’
‘I know. But remember… You are safe with me, as I am with you. Your tears honor your mate—and my yearning honors mine. We do not lower them by missing them, or fearing their loss.’
That sent a clang of fear through my chest. ‘You fear losing Kgosi? You think… you think Carnage can beat him?’
‘Of course, I fear it—even the strongest of us must fall at some point, Bren. I would be foolish to ignore the risk. But no, I do not believe Carnage will remove Kgosi from the herd. Not without dishonor.’
‘Would the other dragons accept him as Primarch if he cheated?’
‘I don’t know, and that’s the truth. I worry many would fear the loss of the herd—the scattering that occurs when the Primarch is removed without a strong replacement—more than a Primarch who has proven strong, yet without scruples.’
‘They’d rather have a bad, strong Primarch, than no Primarch at all?’
There was a quiet disapproval in her as she considered her response.
‘Not all, of course,’ she admitted. ‘But while my kin are powerful, they are not flawless, Little Flame. And those who waver in weakness… yes, I fear they would grasp at the safety offered by a dragon like Carnage over the uncertainty of a scattering herd.’
Holy shit, even though I knew that was possible, I hadn’t had time to consider what might happen if Carnage somehow undermined Kgosi in a way that allowed him to take the Primarcy.
But it was, I realized, precisely what Ruin planned to do to Donavyn: Remove the powerful leader without proving yourself stronger, then stepping into the void left by his absence.
And I could easily see how many of the Furyknights would follow a character like Ruin… I had been awed by him. For years.
‘I think perhaps men and dragons aren’t so different as I thought,’ I told her.
Akhane gave a low grunt that vibrated in her chest and spine, under my seat.
‘Doesn’t it offend you, though, when you think about that?
’ I continued, the flare of anger briefly overriding my fear.
‘Doesn’t it just piss you off when you think of these males who’ve been so strong and powerful just handing themselves over to these fuckers, when they had such incredible leaders that they should have protected? ’
Akhane’s ribs expanded, then contracted in a heavy sigh. ‘I try not to focus on anger, but on what is right, and what is true.’
‘But if the people and dragons we’re fighting don’t care what’s right—’
‘Following others into their folly will never make you wiser, Bren,’ Akhane said gently. ‘And focusing on fear will never make you braver.’
God, that made my chest ache.
I swallowed and turned that over in my mind. ‘So, you and Kgosi discussed this? The risks? The… the ways this might go wrong?’
‘Of course we did. And just like you, we clung while we could. But… just like you, the moment came when we must walk into the purposes the Creator made for us. And tonight… tonight our purposes take us in different directions.’
‘You both agree on your purposes, then? You don’t argue about it?’
‘We do… at times. But not today. Today we are certain. There was no disagreement, only… yearning for another way.’
I felt that. My eyes stung again as my mind tripped back to those moments clinging to Donavyn, his strength covering me, his desperation, my fear… ‘I think I know what you mean. But the fear… the thought of losing him… it makes me feel sick, Akhane. ’
And to my surprise, she didn’t protest. But in the bond, her heart drew closer to mine. And that ache… that quiet, heavy ache.
‘I love you, Akhane,’ I sent, trying not to weep.
‘I love you, too, Bren. And our mates… they will win. We will be reunited. And we will all be stronger for this.’
I prayed she was right.