Chapter Four #2
I walked her to her apartment, and we chatted back and forth.
It was casual enough, but the whole time, all I could think was that this girl was going to be my girlfriend.
My first real girlfriend. Not a high school experiment in losing my virginity, or a Tinder hookup, or a crush living exclusively in my fantasies.
An honest to God relationship I could bring home to my parents, to prove that I was capable of being someone they were proud of.
In hindsight, I was getting ahead of myself, but in that moment, I didn’t see it. I saw everything else… Handholding, and smiles. Double-dates and holidays. Moving boxes, and rings, and white dresses, and sonograms…
All the important things that made up a conventional happily ever after. Whether I’d seen myself having them or not.
“This is me,” Rey said when we stopped in front of her building.
And I used the elaborate scenes in my head as motivation to choke out the words, “Can I see you again?”
Her head slanted curiously. “Are you… done seeing me now?”
My brow furrowed in confusion, because honestly, I hadn’t expected that. But before I could even process it enough to respond, she grabbed me by the hand and tugged me along, inside her apartment.
Now, let me start by saying that sex before even a first date was not part of my initial plan.
Truthfully, I thought I’d have to work for it a lot harder than I did, being that we didn’t technically know each other at all.
That said, I’m still a guy, and turning down sex with a beautiful woman is not a skillset many of us possess.
So while that wasn’t how I’d anticipated my first night with Rey going, it was still amazing, and I couldn’t find it in myself to be disappointed. Relationships begin with one-night stands all the time. It’s not common, but it does happen. I wasn’t worried about it.
I definitely should’ve been. But again… hindsight is 20/20.
After we fucked—hard and dirty, thus solidifying my desire to lock this girl down—Rey and I exchanged numbers and agreed to get together for an actual date. I left her apartment walking on a damn cloud.
I was ecstatic . Not just because I’d gotten laid for the first time in a few months, but because I could feel the connection already. It was solid, something tangible I could reach out and grab. Finally , things were coming together.
Not that I wanted to put so much stock in a relationship as the thing to make me feel less like a zombie shuffling through my mundane existence… But I couldn’t help how good it felt to finally have something. Someone .
A person to be on my side for once. That partner in crime I was secretly yearning for.
I waited a few days to call her, so as not to seem too eager. And we made plans to get dinner Saturday night. I was as excited as I was nervous.
Saturday night came, and we had dinner, followed by more sex. I felt like everything was falling into place. Rey was perfect , and I could really see myself settling with her.
Settling down with her, I mean.
I used to think people in relationships were suckers. Unhappy with themselves and desperate to find someone to make them feel good when the rest of life was shit. To me, it seemed inherently selfish to put that burden on somebody. To rely on someone else to fix you.
But for all of my insecurities and uncertainties—the giant gaping hole inside myself I could never seem to fill, no matter what I did—I knew that the locust of my identity revolved around desiring connection I could never seem to find.
My family didn’t understand me… Shit, I barely understood myself.
I spent the next week texting with Rey, trying to make plans to see her again, because I was already addicted and ready to move full speed ahead on making the fantasies a reality.
Sure, I liked her, and the sex was fire.
But more than anything, I suddenly had a purpose. Something that made me visible.
Rey was busy with work and school, but we made time to see each other when we could. Okay… I made time to see her. She was becoming a bit elusive, but I refused to let it sway me. I was determined to look past every single red flag she tossed up and see only the future I’d concocted in my mind.
Unfortunately, it was becoming increasingly difficult to get her on the phone. Even our texts were dwindling, and I was frustrated. She was my girlfriend , I was sure of it. But she was dodging me, and I just didn’t understand why .
I swear to God, I paced for a full day. I just couldn’t fathom why I felt all these deep, longing things, and all she wanted was to fuck. I mean, I wanted to fuck too. Of course I did. But I didn’t want to just fuck, because that was basic shit.
I could fuck anyone. I wanted Rey for more than that.
The more I obsessed over it, the more unhinged I became. I hated the idea of losing the good, stable thing before I even had the chance to show it off. If I wanted to keep this relationship, I’d need to take matters into my own hands.
It was late, well after midnight. And it was raining, so not many people were out walking the streets. I left my bike up the block and walked to her building. And when no one was looking, I climbed the fire escape.
Cards on the table, it wasn’t the first time I’d done it. So I knew it was secure.
There was a window that looked right into her bedroom, and I knew how to keep myself hidden enough to peek inside. I just wanted to see her. To look at her. Find out what she could possibly be doing that was more important than returning her [alleged] boyfriend’s calls.
By the time I got onto her fire escape, my hoodie was soaked through. Raindrops were tumbling from my hair down my face as I crept up to her window and peered inside. My heart shattered to pieces in an instant.
Actions have consequences. That’s what people need to understand.
We come to a fork in the road, choose a direction. And that choice is directly responsible for where we end up.
Do we sometimes imagine what might have happened if we’d gone the other way? Sure. It’s normal to wonder. But ultimately, there’s no going back.
That was the night everything changed for me…
Because Rey was fucking some guy in her bed.
Some fucking prick was putting his dick in my girlfriend’s pussy on the other side of that window. And I was just standing, in the pouring rain, watching it happen.
Invisible. Nothing more than a shadow in the dark.
The events of that night brought me here. I didn’t know it at the time, but that moment was my fork in the road…
Peering through a window on Jane Street in the rain, I unknowingly chose a path that led me to a concrete tomb in the middle of the ocean.
That was the first time I laid eyes on Michelangelo Russo… But the thing is, I’m not sure I regret it.